Hi all, just wanted to see if anyone had any advice for me about my dilemma.
So it has now been almost 8 weeks since my wife and I last had sex. In fact, since last summer our sex life has dwindled to about once a month. We moved to a new condo recently, which has been a headache and a half, but still you'd think we could make time for a quickie or something. We have been married for over a year, but together as a couple since Jan. 2000.
One of the issues is that she struggles with some residual back pain from a car accident in 1999, which can be quite excruciating for her at times. I knew this going in, she has good days and bad days, and on the bad days there is no sex, of course. What's happened is that during our entire relationship sex usually was once every 2 weeks - not enough for me, but I understand her dilemma and never pushed the issue. The other problem is that she never initiaties sex. I can think of only 3 times in 4 years that she actually made the first move, otherwise it's me asking every day or every other day if sex might be on the agenda. She usually smiles sheepishly and says maybe. This gets rather tedious, but I still love her.
The pain issue I understand can be a block, but I think overall she just has ZERO sex drive. This has been discussed countless times between us, me bringing it up at various stages, and I always ask if she could please just initiate every now and then. It can be really depressing when your partner never shows interest in you sexually, never surprises you sexually, never shows curiousity about sexuality - who knows if she even masterurbates. Meanwhile, I have a high sex drive (I am a man, after all) and during the past 4 years I have been my own best sex partner, masturbating every other day, some weeks it is everyday. I do not think she knows how often this is for me.
It is really frustrating because with the lack of sex, it's starts to feel like I am simply married to my best friend. We still laugh and talk and everything, but any sense of physical intimacy just seems gone, like we just are not lovers as well as friends. She feels bad that it has been so long since we had sex and that it has been so infrequent, but that doesn't help us any. Sometimes I wonder if I should look elsewhere. I don't know, anyone have any advice? :(
First of all: don't fuck up and do something you can't take back.
I suck at advice, but I dispense it freely, regardless. So take this with a grain of salt:
* Is she on any medication, including birth control pills or anti-depressants, that could be affecting her hormone levels? My wife was on Ortho-Novum for years, and eventually lost her sex drive totally; I very nearly sought out other partners and stopped spending time with her. Once it caused her to stop having periods, too, and we'd spent tons of money on pregnancy tests, she decided to stop taking them. EUREKA! Problem solved. She was a TIGRESS again! Grrrrrrr!
* Is there anything in her past that you know of that could be causing her to avoid sex? "That you know of" is the key phrase there. You're still pretty much newlyweds and I imagine there are still things you don't know about each other: maybe you should ask. Gently. Sensitively. You're on your own there.
* Have you actually talked to her about all this, or just us? Let her know how you feel, and what you want, but BE CAREFUL -- the discussions I had with my wife during the "sex drought" often made her feel defensive, guilty and inadequate. Thin ice, Matt. Be very, very careful. I can't tell you how close we came to splitting up over it, and that would've been a tragedy of epic proportion. Yes, you're own your own again!
* What gets her juices flowing? Erotic stories, pillow talk, being treated like a queen, silly Skinemax softcore? Find out! Mine likes stories, as it turned out, and I wrote like a madman. The first ones were WAY too male-centric, vulgar, graphic and explicit -- finally I found a voice and pacing and scenarios that literally had her crawling the sheets by the time she finished them (--if she finished 'em at all -- GOAL!)
(Hard drive crash - lost all the stories. Snapped the floppies with the backups. Now suffering writer's block. So don't ask )
Open, honest, empathetic communication is key -- try your words out loud before you say them to her. See how it makes you feel to hear them. Go from there.
Lots and lots of simple romantic gestures are good, too. Just don't set the bar too high like I did! I'm kidding. Set it as high as you need to, but don't OVERDO it -- you'll make her feel pressured. Women see through your agenda, so don't have one. Just do it because you want to - not because you expect something in return. You'll gets yours, don't worry!
Thanks, cobalt, I think you give out helpful advice!
She is on birth control, just whatever she orders from Osco drug store, has been on it since before I even met her. The only "drug" per se is Excedrin Migraine for her back pain induced migraines. The only consequence of taking this too often is that it leaves her feeling nauseous.
We have certainly discussed this before, during the droughts, sometimes right after we have finally actually had sex. And yes, she has become defensive as well so it is territory I have to tread carefully on. Each time we have discussed over the last 4 years she has promised our sex life would improve and she would initiate - and then nothing changes. And I have tried to find things that might turn her on - soft core stuff we have seen on Showtime she just seems to laugh at, I bought a big Sex Guide book which she pretty much ignored, we visited a sex store to buy a gift for a friend, but nothing peaked her interest there either. I guess I am tired of having to make ALL the effort for us to have sex at all. I have tried to just stop flriting with the idea and being coy, just to see if eventually she would bring it up and flirt, but no dice, just business as usual.
I am tired of feeling like I am constantly begging for sex and eventually she feels able, takes a 45-minute shower to loosen up her back and finally we can start something. But then with so much time elapsing between each time we have sex, we lose any sense of comfortability with each other, any sense of play and so it can just be awkward, going through the motions.
I realize I am venting here, sorry about that, I just don't know where else to vent and I do not have a therapist!
Okay, where to begin... Women often don't think about sex the way men think about sex. This shouldn't be a shock for you, but really try hearing what I'm saying. They don't think about sex the same WAY men think about sex. Not just not as often, not just not the same physical acts - all of sex, not the same way. I'm not surprised your wife laughs at porn, I do, too, it's ridiculous. Sex toys are mostly ridiculous, too. Why would I want to buy a plastic penis? I already have a living penis(yours) I am not interested in. More positions? Great - I don't want to get into any position. Watch other people doing things I don't feel like doing? That is not arousing. - This is what it might seem like from her point of view. All that stuff you think might be arousing and sexy is just crap to her. Crap is a turn-off, not a turn-on (for most people).
So, you probably already know that, even if you don't get it. What do you do about it? I'm gonna make an edgy statement here, so don't freak out on me. First, I would carefully examine my lovemaking techniques and skills. Matt, I'm not blaming you, so don't get defensive, just listen. I run into a significant number of married men in my profession who state "my wife isn't interested" who are such incredibly bad sex partners that I can't figure out why their wife ever put out once, let alone ever again. It's not their fault! They WANT to be good partners, they want to give pleasure, they try so hard to be considerate it's almost annoying, but they lack any skill whatsoever. It could be the reason your wife is not interested is because there is nothing for her to be interested in.
Second, yeah, if any of her meds have CHANGED since her sexual appetite has dwindled, it might be an issue. I doubt it, though, considering what you've said.
Third, pain is a lousy thing. Back pain, even from a previous injury, can often be relieved with careful and consistant exercise - talk to a physical therapist.
Fourth, try to get her thinking about sex more often. Do some detective work here, her sexual triggers may be things you don't think about at all. Scents, activities, foods, just about anything could play into it. If you want her to think sexy thoughts, give her a sexy (to her!!) environment. No, that doesn't necessarily mean turn your bedroom into a 105 degree candle factory or your bathtub into a bubble machine - it might be a simple as a pot of sage on the kitchen table.
Fifth, don't stop asking for sex just because it wounds your male pride. The less you do it the less she is going to think about it, and the less you're gonna get it as it becomes easier and easier for her to say "no thanks". Lots of couples make a date night and keep it every week. It doesn't matter if her back hurts, or she has her period. Sex is not just you putting your penis in her vagina. (or her mouth or her butt or her hand)
Sixth, get a therapist. There are oodles of them out there for couples. She might have things to say that she just can't say straight to you without neutral backup. She might have feelings she isn't even sure about. There may be stresses neither of you are aware of. It might sound hokey, but what's worse - a shrink or a sexless marriage?
I own that book, I recommend grabbing that before you fork out on therapy.
Frankly, I have talked at length to someone in the same position that you are in who was going to therapy with his wife, to no avail. His situation might be different than yours, but in his case I felt that his wife was finding therapy to be an adversarial situation (= she's broken and we are going to try to fix her) that she wasn't enjoying. After he told her that they could stop therapy, things got better. If you go the therapy route, make sure it's something that she wants to do and keep an eye on it as it goes to make sure that she feels that it's something that you are doing together, not something imposed on her.
By the way, a cheap way to possibly get counseling in some states is to file for divorce. In Arizona when I lived there if you don't have kids, counseling was available and free, and if you did have kids, the counseling was free and mandatory. I'm just saying!
There are so many things that enter into something like this - upbringing, abuse, hysterectomy, childbirth, hormones, prescription drugs, illness, etc. That book has a very comprehensive approach and can give you a good scope on it.
By the way, if she doesn't initiate, it may be a totally separate thing - unconscious fear of seeming slutty, or a fear of rejection based not on you but on earlier experiences (not necessarily sexual ones), etc. Try not to take the initiation thing too personally. I know there's nothing like having somebody 'can't-help-themselves' ravenous for you, but, still, try not to take it personally. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't ask her. Take (offer) the physical intimacy that you want - not sex, necessarily, but physical intimacy. Go to bed when she goes to bed, or linger there in the morning, snuggle up, stroke, spoon, look into her eyes. If your dick is hard, it's hard, maybe it's going somewhere and maybe it's not and you can just enjoy it being hard. Also, anytime during the day when you want to touch her, touch her. Let her know without pressure and without asking for anything that it's a joy for you to look at her and touch her.Ask her. Tell her. Sometime when you are touching her and turned on, offer to let her watch (be complimentary and a little smooth about it).
If she is uncomfortable being held and stroked, uncomfortable with the idea of you being hard, and with watching you masturbate, then this is about more than a sore back. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at least in the ballpark on a couple of items. *WHEW* I'm getting better at this!
Now, I feel OK about the REST of what I was going to say. (I refuse to retract my birth control statement, 'cause that was a REAL, amazing difference. Hormones -- WOW, whatta concept.)
Let me first of all second everything: to my wife porn is "watching other people fuck; it does nothing for me". - CHECK!
The things that ramp us up to fuck don't necessarily ramp women up and you're gonna have to play "sex detective" to figure out what it is (mine was words, I'm lucky I have a small skill with that -- yours is your own egg to crack -- GOOD LUCK! ) - CHECK!
Women don't think about sex in the same way, or as often - CHECK! (That can be changed, by the way, and you've just been given the keys to the kingdom - now GO! Ride away, Sir Knight, lance in hand!) -- mine often comes home from work, telling me with surprise "I couldn't stop thinking about nasty jungle sex with you all day today" - and I assure you, things did NOT start out that way.
And in my case - it wasn't technique, I'll have you know (gave mine her first and uncountable thousands of skillfully-evoked orgasms since - male pride aside, I'll get her to register here and you all can ASK HER ) -- it was this one thing:
* Be assertive about it. There, I said it. "I'm tired" should be met with "You can sleep when you die" -- my wife cracks up every time I say it.
And mean it - if you demand it, you'd better do it (and do it WELL, apparently! ).
I went from a sensitive "well maybe next time, *SIGH*...guess I'll just masturbate" to "fuck that -- roll over!" real quick-like.
And laugh and joke around a lot, I did, like "I'm gonna come so hard it'll blow the top of your head off!" -- when you're laughing, and she's laughing, and she associates sex with fun and laughter, you're making progress. And -- you've established yourself as meaning what the hell you say.
It was lots of fun in my case; my wife ended up getting over a lot of shame issues she had, and I educated her on how to get me off and she figured out how to get herself off in the process (she never masturbated before we met) without feeling dirty, guilty, or weird. It's made the difference, I believe, between complaining, having affairs, using porn as a substitute for sex -- and being in the best sexual relationship you can imagine.
That confidence, too, spilled over into my everyday life and I found out I enjoy being in charge. I never wanted to be in charge of other people before, but I rather enjoy it now, and my wife enjoys it too (she asks for it enough - so be careful about opening Pandora's Box 'cause they'll wear you the hell out).
I'm not a bully or a sadist, and I doubt you are, either. My wife initiates a lot more now, and you should hear the things that come out of her mouth sometimes - things that would make a pornstar blush.
As for skills - she's amazing, and only gets better with time. *ahem* I don't need pride to know I'm good .
Might not work for you, but it worked for me, and Kimi and Lindi damn sure wouldn't lie to you.
Thanks everyone, for your words of wisdom, it always helps to know people out are listening! :)
Kimi, I have wondered about my abilities as a lover, but whenever my wife and I do end up having sex, she seems to orgasm each time, sometimes she has gone numb (in a good way) after a particularly long, good session. She seems to reach orgasm pretty quickly - or maybe I have been fooled many a time. I think I have always been quite the attentive lover, with her and all my past girlfriends. I love providing oral sex and go for hours, plus even during intercourse I go as long as necessary that the woman reaches orgasm before I am concerned for my own. I think these are good things about me and I miss making the most of these aspects of myself.
I guess I just start to feel lonely and unloved going so long without the phystical intimacy. We can hold each other and kiss, but when you reach 8 weeks and it still never goes anywhere near actual sex, wouldn't that frustrate any normal person?
I make it a point to always keep my wife laughing, so I certainly try to keep her smiling even when I am lamenting our sex droughts. I guess I just am tired of going in circles with this part of the relationship and feeling like the only one who ever gets horny. I have asked her directly what turns her on, but she again sort of smiles and seems incredibly embarrassed to reply. When talking about sexual fantasies awhile back, she admitted to having none, not one simple sexual fantasy at all. That I found strange, most women I've ever dated had at least one. I will persist and try to find something that gets her motor running, other than just obligation or pity.
I probably should not sound so defensive, I actually really appreciate all of you taking the time to add lengthy replies to my post! Cobalt, Kimi and lindi, thanks very much...
Well, I guess that could be a possibility, as long as there is something that she finds arousing. Sometimes she seems so non-sexual that I would love to hear about anything slightly sexual which turns her on!
She probably is embarassed. That part I don't find strange at all. You can help her get past that, if you're not pushy about it. Don't insist she come up with something, that'll just get you in trouble with that whole "you think I'm inadequate" mess again. She really may not have an active sexual fantasy life: it's OK, man, really.
When you get past this, and you will, you'll be surprised, like I said, what's going to start coming out of her mouth! My wife was exactly the same way.
She still is, to a certain extent, although now when I ask her what her fantasies are - she says they all have to do with me. Awwwwwww....
She may be lying to protect my fragile male ego (like I care), but it's better than the old feeling of awkwardness a question like that used to provoke. Besides, it's rather nice to know your partner isn't quite as twisted and steeped in pornographic thoughts as you are.
But I've also dug out of her that she has a definite submissive streak, and that's what I exploit in the stories. I can't always be as hardcore in real life as I can through a character I've made up; but reading it and putting herself in the scenario gets her so worked up that I don't have to. She fills in all the blanks in her fertile imagination, and I just provide a playful spanking here and there. Among other things...
Oh, yeah - another tip: don't compare your real life to porn, ever, at all. I only mention it because this is, after all, a site dedicated to adult movies. Gonzo specifically, as is being addressed in several threads, is so grim these days. You know one thing I find lacking that we've talked about here? Laughter. Grunting, groaning, crying, slapping, choking, verbal abuse ... it's so bleak! Believe me, you can be assertive in the bedroom without resorting to bullying.
It's good to hear you haven't lost your sense of humor -- that's your secret weapon. It's not going to be easy, no one here's going to tell you that, but you can't fall into the trap of the "blame and shame game". Just keep on keeping things light, and be persistent, but not a royal pain in the ass about it.
Another stop sign you just reminded me of: using obligation and pity as leverage are your enemy . Shun them! It might work once or twice, but it WON'T be worth it.
An anecdote for you Lindi reminded me of: one night I asked if I was gonna get any, and was met with a noncommital reply, so I said "Well hell, I'm horny, mind if I masturbate?" She, with mock indignation, laughed "What, right now? Right in front of me?"
"Well, hell yeah...you know I do it anyway, don't you?" and I just started doing it.
Pretty soon, she asked me "So, why are you so horny? What are you thinking about?" Thinking quickly , I replied "You, of course. If I can't have you, I'm going to fantasize about what I'd like to do to you."
It wasn't long before she said "Why don't you just show me what you want to do to me?" YES!! YES!! No need to ask twice! Thank you, sweet Lord!
Wow, that was a long time ago...[sigh]
P.S. A "serious" joke: Don't ever tell her you sure would love to fuck her and her sister at the same time..SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! I still haven't lived that one down. Keep yer big mouth shut. They know we think dumb shit like that, but you don't have to prove it.
I just hope that in telling you all this, you can avoid some of my mistakes and skip to the good parts sooner. It could've turned out a whole lot differently for me, and it almost did. This is an ongoing process that, in the long run, will help make your marriage healthier and happier. Just don't give up. You reap what you sow. And if, a year from now, all this hasn't made a lick of difference: kick to the curb!
Matt, has your wife tried therapeutic massages for pain relief?
I've noticed an interesting little side effect from professional massages. Although they're nonsexual in nature, they help me feel so happy and comfortable in my body that I'm normally very much in the mood for sex later in the day with my husband.
Porno movies, sexy videos, xxx. Adult DVD Talk at your service. 6409 Posts 11/99
Posted - Apr 2 2004 : 5:29PM
make a nice dinner, buy a bottle of whatever she likes to drink and then ask her :) alcohol (up to a point) can help with horniness and helps drop inhibitions. not that you need to depend on drinking to get some sex, just that it may help break some ice.
This is from a newsletter email that I get from the Xandria Collection. The article was about why Viagra doesn't generally work for women. The current issue isn't up yet on their website, but the home page is here, and you can click to the most recent editions. The article will be near the bottom, after the purple area, and is called Maker of Viagra Gives UP on Using it for Women, and will eventually be in the Featured Articles archives alphabetically under M. If you click on Featured Articles, there are other good things, including one under V for 'Viagra.'
Daylight Savings Time, is it really Necessary? 972 Posts 3/04
Posted - May 4 2004 : 1:55AM
Matt47,
Wow, you are lucky to have all the great advice swung your way, I wish I had it a few years ago. What Cobalt, Lindi, Kimi, Steph, and Yogagrrl said are all good pieces of advice. Now I'm a guy who enjoys sex, hell I like to have sex every day (even more than that) and luckily I get it, well most of the time. A few years ago I had a gf who had the lowest sex drive in history. Within the first week of dating we had sex which she initiated and everything lasted for about two months. We had sex like every time we were together and again she did most of the initiation. Well for some reason things just came to a stand still. I was much younger than I am now and wasn't nearly as "skilled" in the art of talking and thinking things through.
Needless to say our relationship ended. Come to find out she was having problems with her uterus and was too ashamed/embarrassed to tell me. I like you kept "asking" if sex was a possibility and got the response of "I don't know". So I know what it is like. Now Cobalt gave you the best response to that so I'm not even going to touch it. What I have learned since then is this:
You need to be the one to take charge. Asking all the time will only make her think that you can't make decisions. Try new things sexually with her, and let her do what she wants to do. Tell her that you dreamed about her and what you did. Touch her and make her feel like she's sexy. Listen to her, REALLY LISTEN to her. Maybe she feels that you aren't as interested in her (hey I've been there)? Think about how you were when you two first met. Maybe you've changed and gotten use to her (been there too)? Maybe she's gotten use to you? In that case go out of town for a week or two and see how she reacts when you return (just don't tell her that it is because of her or anything to do with your relationship). I did this with my Fiancee (well I left for a LOT longer than that; work!) and when I was gone (we were having problems prior to me leaving) she really thought about things and me. When I got back our problems seemed to fade away. You know that saying, "you don't know what you had, until you lost it?" well that is so true. Luckily in my case we were able to see this.
Everything that I have listed are things that I have done with my fiancee and things seemed to have worked. It is growth on both parts, but more on my own. I have become more in tune to her needs as opposed to mine and in return have gotten so much more. I think that the more emotionally connected a woman is to you the more physical she will be with you. It sure was that way in my relationships. When I met my fiancee she was sooo not as sexual as I was. I remember when she asked me what I liked and had done her facial expressions were "oh my god" (and I didn't even tell her much at all). She claimed she had never masturbated before, which I didn't believe and that she never even had sexual impulses. Why did I go out with her again? Well to be completely honest I don't really know. There was something about her, something that to this day I don't know. Yeah, I know what I love about her now but thinking back to how I felt then, I just don't know. It took a while but soon she started to loosen up and to try new things (now she is just as sexual and maybe even more so). As Cobalt said it takes time, especially if your with someone who hasn't had a sexual past. Does she initiate sex? Oh yeah, more than I do, in fact it's sort of a race. Does she act like a slut in bed? Oh yeah! It's like she has a whole different personality during sex. I give her all the credit though because it is her that brought out the best in me which allowed her to be who she really wanted to be and not ashamed/embarrassed to act on her inner most desires.
I have been with her now for going on 2.5 years and in that time we have never been so into one another. My secret? I can only say that when I look at her, I can only think of her. When I go out with her, I never look at another woman. We went down to the lake this weekend and there was ass everywhere. I'm talking trim. Now my fiancee is gorgeous and very attractive without a doubt but in my past I've been with hot women and still looked. But my eyes didn't once gaze at any ass other than hers. Am I in love? Most definitely and I show it everyday, but it goes deeper than that. I fantasize about her like every day when she's gone, even when I watch porn I can't think about being with anyone other than her. I feel the same thing from her. It's like we have a special bond. I hear it from other people as well. My neighbors and friends. Her parents and relatives. She leaves little cards and notes all over our house when she leaves for work or wherever telling me what she wants to do to me and how much she wants and needs me. But things weren't always that way and for a time I never thought they would be.
If you really have no idea what is wrong with your wife I suggest you check out some books on relationships, or better still check out some psychology books. I read these things all the time and think they have helped. Men aren't born with a thought in there head about women other than curves so these things will help! I recommend a book called: "Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps", by Barbara & Allan Pease. They are both married and have been for many years. Their kids are all grown up and they still are madly in love with one another. The book talks about how women think differently than men and vise versa. It gives some great insight on how to approach common problems that men and women face. It talks about everything from sex to intimacy. The book has a lot of humor in it so it isn't just another boring science book.
I am no expert and I don't try to be. I have given you just an example of what I have learned and done over the years. I have much to experience and learn and these next couple of years will really push my relationship with my Fiancee. Sometimes I wonder if we will still be together. I mean I have seen people fall apart by just being away from one another for like a year during a tour in Korea even boot camp, and they had a really strong relationship prior. I hate thinking about things like that, but I am a realistic person and beings I am going to be under a great deal of stress and time consuming school, I just hope that she can work through it and understand that I need to get pass these times. I guess it all comes down to how deep that connection goes.
You might even have to ask yourself, "Should I have to really work this hard to get what I want?" Yeah working at a relationship is a must, a marriage, I say a definite must (I really don't believe in divorce) but when you are really not happy than maybe something has to change. After all if your not happy than the other person isn't going to be either. Ask yourself and even make a list of all the things that you love and cherish about your wife and share them with her. Really think, THINK hard about what it is about her that fills your life and heart. After you do this look at it and perhaps you'll see something you don't see now? Show this to her, let her see it and I'm sure you'll be rewarded in some way or another. I'm sure I'll be asking advice here as well sometime down the road. We are all here to help one another and I hope that I have given you an idea on where to go, at least got you thinking. You have my best and I hope that you and your wife can find a way to get pass this, because I feel that if you wrote here you must really want her.
Oh and about what Cobalt said about the having a 3 way, I wouldn't go down that road either!! But in my case it was my gf's cousin. She was down with it and it happened (to this day I will never know how it did maybe it was the weed) but I had to pay more attention to her cousin..OOPS!
One of my most all time favourite books and I've read a squillion is Jack Morin's "The Erotic Mind - Inner Pathways to Sexual Excitement". Sounds as dry as toast but it's actually jam packed with wonderful information, ideas and discussion about sex and the nature of relationships. It encourages the reader to explore and understand their desires and ways of sharing those desires with a partner.It's the kind of book you read once or twice and dip back into often.
From the books closing pages; The Passion-Fulfilment Paradox
As you've explored the most profound subjective rewards of the erotic adventure, you've come face to face with one of the most fundamental of all erotic paradoxes; even though passion and fulfilment have a close, reciprocol relationship, there is an unavoidable tension between them. While the idea of perpetual fulfilment holds an undeniable appeal, the truth is that never-ending fulfilment, if there ever were such a thing, would ultimately lead to boredom- the polar opposite of passion.
Of course passion seeks fulfilment as its greatest reward. In so many ways fulfilment enhances passion because it teaches us an enormous amount about the secrets of arousal. It is equally true, however that fulfilment inevitably subdues passion because it quenches need, and thus desire. And without passion there is no reason for passion.
You might think of the passion-fulfilmnt pardox as part of the larger human drama in which satisfactions of all kinds sow seeds of discontent. But for those who accept the ways of the erotic mind, passion and fulfilment are accurately seen as two essential aspacts of a whole. When you know what you want and are lucky enough to find it, you not only feel uplifted and enlivened, but also satiated- not a bad feeling at all. Yet it's just a matter of time until new desires begin to stir. You're dancing to the age-old rhythms of eros.
Here's a link to an interview with the author if anyone's interested. I listened to it on the weekend and he does a good job of summarising the book's key points(within the limits of the interview structure.)
But the wild things cried, "Oh please don't go- we'll eat you up-we love you so!" Where The Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak
Thanks very much for your words, Coyote! Yes indeed I have received copious amounts of advice here by many, by esp lindi, cobalt, yogagrrl and it has all been helpful. I hope I wasn't a burden to anyone! Of course, every relationship is different and requires different ways of handling issues, but everyone's examples and suggestions gave me hope that my relationship can improve in this area. The topic has come up at home recently again, just me restating how important physical intimacy is important to me and to us as a couple, we need it more than once a month and even more than twice a month. She is aware, she is sorry, she will try to be better about it. She and I are still great friends, we really click on most every level, so it's not all bad, of course. I am hearing from everyone that things can change over time. I guess I just get impatient, feeling like if I wait 10 years for her sex drive to actual appear, my own sexual prowess may have diminished! :(
And I am still wondering if I should tell her at all about my secret little porn collection...
Daylight Savings Time, is it really Necessary? 972 Posts 3/04
Posted - May 4 2004 : 11:43PM
Wow you've been together how long and she doesn't know you have a porn stash? How interesting. Though I am a sympathetic person I must say that "taking time" isn't an excuse to how should I put it, just not face the point at hand in a reasonable time frame. I don't think that you wanting sex more than once a month is hardly selfish nor something that should be thought of as "required". Sex in all its forms should be a necessity for both parties. Sure women and men have different ideas about it, but it all comes down to one thing, "pleasure".
Whether it be in a physical or emotional way, it is pleasure none the less. Your wife say's she's sorry and will try harder, but I mean does it really take so much to be turned on or want sex? I really don't think so, at least for a long period of time. Hell I know that there are days when I don't want to have sex but even if I don't want to, I still am open to it. I know that I'm a guy and I think with my penis 60 percent of the time but we are all human and we all have the basic feelings and emotions. Sex shouldn't be something that is placed, timed or required, it should be something that both people want and share. Now I know that there are circumstances and that's fine, but to have the dilemma persist than maybe something should be done. I don't know you or your wife and I am only speaking objectively but perhaps if it persists you should consult professional help in some form. But nothing is better than talking and trying to work through it. However friendship shouldn't be the driving point of a relationship. It is important, well very, but passion, romance, intimacy are also very important. I wish you the best!
Thanks for the link, Lorraine, there are some good articles there!
Oh, and Coyote, my wife have been married for 16 months but have been living together for a total of 4 years at this point. And yeah, I have successfuly kept my porn stash hidden this whole time. The great thing about DVDs is that you can store them in regular CD cases, even underneath the actual CD, and they're much easier to hide this way! I only have around 10 DVDs total right now, as I have swapped out older DVDs when I purchase new ones, to keep the number at or around a dozen.
You do make an interesting point about friendship perhaps not being enough to sustain a committed relationship, but it's also very rare to consider your mate your best friend. I take this into account when reconciling with our stilted sex life, but I am scared that one day it will not be enough for me...
