advice/opinions from the ladies on ADT

Author	Post
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 21 2007 : 7:48AM Okay ladies of ADT, I'm looking for you opinions and thoughts on this... Got home from the bar last night and was really depressed because of this situation: I was at the bar and in comes this group of people. Definitely was some sort of local office/business people going for some after work drinks. Anyway, one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life is in this group. She seemed to be very down to earth from what I could tell. The whole time I was contemplating buying her a drink or at least introducing myself. It was kind of hard because she was always socializing with people in the group but I did have my chances. (It was big group, maybe like 15 of them) Over the last few weeks I've tried to adapt a new way of thinking. I've tried to tell myself, "you only live once so go for everything you want." Kind of like phrase in the movie Shawshank Redemption "get busy living or get busy dieing". Not that I'm shy, but I never ended up buying her the drink or introducing myself for these reasons: 1)Kind of insecure about my current career and my ability to get a decent job if I loose the one I have now. (I currently make about 43,000 a year so even that's not great) 2) Also kind of insecure about my looks. I would say I'm average looking at best. She was kind of tall and I'm only about 5'9. I know there are many women that only like men at least their height or taller. I think she was about 5'10 maybe 5'11. 3)Even if she was interested in me, I have some serious issues in the bedroom. I'm 33, have only had sex a few times. Not that I haven't had opportunities. When I was younger, had a full head of hair and thinner, I was above average looking IMHO. It's just that I never really liked sex. Liked the kissing and cuddling but never had desire for sex. Sometimes I can't even maintain an erection. The short version of my story is that the only thing that seems turn me on enough to give me orgasms is some of the black porn stars that I really like. (I'm white) So even by some miracle if she was interested in my looks and didn't care too much about my ability to be a provider financially, I have to drop this bomb on her. It's the last one that puts it over the top. I just kind of felt for an insecure guy that's average looking and will never have a lot of money, the fact she has to deal with that problem is just too much work for a guy like me. Maybe if I was rich and good looking, it would somewhat offset this problem. I know you ladies can't answer for the women I would have love to met, but I was wondering what your thoughts on this are? I'm NOT looking for sympathy, but honesty. Do you think that my thought process is pretty accurate in the likeliness of her being interested? How would you react in this women's situation? (you can answer that by telling me your opinions about a guy buying you drink at a bar, up to the part where you've been out a few times and were told about the bedroom problems) I've been thinking about this situation all night. I know most likely our paths will never cross again, but I'm trying to get some insight for the future. I'm trying really hard to change my way of thinking to the whole "you never know unless you try" spiel but it's a tuff hump to get over. I realize some of you may want to tell me "next time, go for it!" but keep in mind, every time a women shoots me down, the ego will keep taking a beating potentially worsening the situation. Sometimes I say to myself "life is just easier by accepting the fact I will always be single". Remember, honesty is the key here. Not sympathy! I guess I'm looking for two things: 1)What's important to you in a relationship? Even if you say "for me it's all about the sex!" or "Money is a huge factor in my relationships". 2)Your advice for me and my situation. What should I have done with the women at the bar? What should I do in the future? Am I right about the fact that if I were rich and good looking, my bedroom problems wouldn't be such a big deal? Thanks and really looking forward to any input you might have. Sickguy [Link]
Ivory Sex Object by Proxy "We all want our time in Hell." 647 Posts 8/04	Posted - Nov 21 2007 : 11:47PM I don't really know what to say because I don't know what you were wanting to happen if you had bought her a drink. Are you looking for a lifetime partner, a short-term fling... Also, if you're feeling insecure about your career, your looks and your sexuality, that will reflect in the sort of energy you put out. Well, that's all for now. Sorry not to have more to offer. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 12:13AM First off, I would like to thank you for responding. I was looking more for a long term relationship. I guess what I was ultimaltey hoping to hear, is that women are more into personalty rather than money and looks. I guess that would give and many other men out there confidence. For me, this is only half the equation. The other half of the equation is the whole sex issue. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 12:13AM sickguy wrote: First off, I would like to thank you for responding. I was looking more for a long term relationship. I guess what I was ultimately hoping to hear, is that women are more into personality rather than money and looks. I guess that would give and many other men out there confidence. For me, this is only half the equation. The other half of the equation is the whole sex issue. Click to expand [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 12:18AM Why would you want to interact with a woman who you don't believe is a good match for you? You say "The short version of my story is that the only thing that seems turn me on enough to give me orgasms is some of the black porn stars that I really like." That seems to indicate that you aren't really very turned on by white women, even if you recognize that they are attractive. Why seek a white woman as a relationship partner (long term or short)? If you just want to socialize, then you should have offered to buy her a drink and tried to start a conversation with her, even though she was in the company of others. You certainly can't socialize if you don't make any move to do so. For all you know she was obligated to make nice with a bunch of people she barely knows from work and doesn't really like and would have really liked any excuse at all to talk to someone else. If you want to know if women want to date men who can't maintain an erection with them and who aren't confident in their own attractiveness and position in life, the answer is pretty much "NO". No more than a man would want a woman for a partner who was anorgasmic (with him) and who didn't think she was attractive enough to score or successful enough to deserve to score. If you're asking whether or not women are as obsessed with looks as men are, the answer is no. Unless you're seriously unpresentable, most women overlook a few flaws. That doesn't mean good looking guys don't get the first glance and some appreciation, it just means you don't have to be a good looking guy to get the second glance and a date. Yes, the size of your wallet matters. It matters most to women who want your wallet. Do you want a woman who wants your wallet or a woman who wants you? As long as you're not a lazy good-for-nothing scumbag, most women are okay with that. Hell, plenty of women take the lazy good-for-nothing scumbags, but you probably want to stay away from them. Quite frankly, I think your lack of bedroom performance would be more of an issue in a relationship than your bald spot, your spare tire, and your company's downsizing. Really, I can't think of anyone who WANTS a partner they know is not turned on by them. [Link]

sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 9:43AM Kimi Lixx wrote: Why would you want to interact with a woman who you don't believe is a good match for you? You say "The short version of my story is that the only thing that seems turn me on enough to give me orgasms is some of the black porn stars that I really like." That seems to indicate that you aren't really very turned on by white women, even if you recognize that they are attractive. Why seek a white woman as a relationship partner (long term or short)? Click to expand First off, I would like to thank you for your input Kimi. Your one of my favorite posters here ADT. You always have great insight and informative posts. Anyway, I don't know where you got the idea that the women was white. She was black. I don't think anywhere in my post I mentioned her race. Maybe I should have. This was sort of the issue. I thought she was so attractive that I was hoping everything in the bedroom would work itself out. I won't really know unless I get the opportunity. I'm just kind of nervous that even women like this, it still might not work. (I know it's kind of confusing. It's hard for me sometimes to explain in writing) Edited by - sickguy on 11/22/2007 9:44:18 AM [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 11:14AM sickguy wrote: Anyway, I don't know where you got the idea that the women was white. She was black. I don't think anywhere in my post I mentioned her race. Maybe I should have. Click to expand I thought she was not black (which doesn't mean she is white) because you said you would have to "drop this bomb on her". Which I took to mean you would have to explain to her that you only get turned on by black porn performers, i.e. not her. Now if she's a gorgeous black woman, you must think she's at least as physically attractive as the black porn performers you've seen. Why are you worried that you could not perform with her? What "bomb" do you need to drop on her? That you get turned on by porn? That's no bomb, all women know that already. Are you only turned on by porn? If so, you need to quit looking at porn for a while and let your mind reset. People can get habituated and that's not a rut you want to be stuck in. [Link]
stinkfist Senior Member Subterfuge...... 7401 Posts 4/07	Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 6:53PM Sickguy,(im male)but think that was a really honest post to make.You did not pull any punches told it like it is and for that alone good on you.As someone who has and still does suffer terribly from anxiety and depression..the feelings of never being good enough etc.Im sure that we all have feelings like that at some point in our life,i hope that you have people in your life that you can turn to for support as your self esteem seems really low just now,surround yourself with people who like you for who and what your are..learn to like yourself first.All the best. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 11:22PM @Kimi Bigno Kimi!!! That's pretty much the problem. It seems like the only thing that turns me on is porn. I can't exactly say to a women, "do you mind acting like a porn star when we have sex? Otherwise I might have some problems with the equipment..." @Thanks for the support stinkfist. Even though we don't know each other, that means a lot man. Edited by - sickguy on 11/22/2007 11:25:14 PM Edited by - sickguy on 11/23/2007 9:21:01 AM [Link]
ma meeshka Iconoclastic Member 3939 Posts 4/06	Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 11:38PM sickguy wrote: It seems like the only thing that turns me on is porn. Click to expand hence your username. it's so apt, i don't need to comment. oops, i did. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 23 2007 : 9:25AM ma meeshka wrote: sickguy wrote: It seems like the only thing that turns me on is porn. Click to expand hence your username. it's so apt, i don't need to comment. oops, i did. Click to expand yep... [Link]
kataboom master blaster ad astra per aspera 995 Posts 6/03	Posted - Nov 23 2007 : 9:52AM dude if the only thing that turns you on is porn then man thats a big problem out of the gate. work on that first & dont worry about all the other stuff. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 1:44AM Sickguy, I was struck by your post and have some thoughts: Change your user name to something other than “sickguy” -- something that feels positive to you. If you use any other self-defeating names on other message boards, change them too. If you’re not a smooth talker, bars are not the best places to meet women. I’m not sure they’re the best places for that any which way. What are your interests and hobbies? Try to get involved in groups where you can pursue these with other people, including female other people. That’s a better way to meet a woman that you’ll have things in common with. Regarding self-esteem: You shouldn’t accept low self-esteem as a given. Instead, work actively on feeling better about yourself. Just a couple of random ideas: Have you ever thought about taking acting lessons? Or dancing lessons? Both activities are good for building confidence and physical self-assurance. I wouldn’t worry too much about being shorter than a woman you find attractive. Some women definitely prefer taller guys, but some don’t care much either way. My wife is 5 inches taller than me. I second Kimi’s suggestion about making it a point to date black women. If they turn you on the most, why date white women at all? Regarding sexual confidence: It might make sense for you to find a nice, cute, black escort to help you in this area. Be upfront – tell her that you want a sexual re-education and that you’re more than happy to pay for it. Good luck! . [typos] Edited by - bob on 11/25/2007 8:49:40 PM [Link]
lilacwine Member "Don't let your lava love turn to stone." 489 Posts 5/06	Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 6:33AM "Porn women" don't exist outside of porn. It's a fantasy that the industry has created. It's about as real as "professional" wrestling. Learn to get turned on by "real" everday women. Unless of course, your porn fixation is your way of keeping real intimacy at arms length. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 1:13PM lilacwine wrote: Unless of course, your porn fixation is your way of keeping real intimacy at arms length. Click to expand This is an issue to think carefully and honestly about. It's another good reason for you to take a hiatus from porn-watching. [Link]

sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 5:23PM Thanks for the suggestions guys. Bob, I don't know where the notion of me dating white women came from. It's only black women that I try to date. Anyway, I personally think the escort idea is the only hope I have. I tried it a few times with minimal success. I think I need to give it another shot though. Thanks for the input. I'm taking all ideas, thoughts and suggestions seriously. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 8:56PM sickguy wrote: I tried it a few times with minimal success. I think I need to give it another shot though. Click to expand I think the key is to find someone you like and who seems open to what you're looking to get out of your time with her -- namely, confidence -- and become a regular. If you find the right escort, it won't matter to her (and shouldn't matter to you) if your initial experiences aren't "successful". [Link]
jayo All-Star Member 2117 Posts 7/04	Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 9:26PM sickguy wrote: Anyway, I personally think the escort idea is the only hope I have. Click to expand That kind of thought has a bad habit of coming true, since one tends to look for all the evidence that supports it, and dismisses anything else. I know how it is. I could have written most of the first post on this thread with only a little bit of editing. All I'm saying is, if you go into the game thinking you're going to lose, you probably will. If you go in thinking you'll win, you may still lose, but at least you didn't defeat yourself. [Link]
BlackSix All-Star Member pornography wasn't sex but fantasies of an impossibly hospitable world 12377 Posts 9/07	Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 10:58PM Is it really that hard to get laid? Or are you looking for a real relationship? Edited by - BlackSix on 11/25/2007 10:58:30 PM [Link]
Dracula Member Women's necks are too damned sexy for me! 756 Posts 3/06	Posted - Nov 26 2007 : 12:00AM A lot of good advice here and here's one more... Just relax and try and have fun. This shouldn't be a science project, it should be about relaxing and having fun. Go ahead and ask that girl for a dance, if she says no, ask another, and another and another. Keep asking, keep going back, and keep it fun. Don't worry about those negative thoughts, focus on having a good time and see what happens. Good luck! [Link]
NerdGod Member Using a 2 inch cock like it was 12 480 Posts 7/06	Posted - Nov 26 2007 : 2:55AM I have a question that a female customer asked me but i have no clue. she asked me "how can i have a squirting O?" So is there anything a female can do to get one??? [Link]
conquistador Deactivated User Hellhamster. 2947 Posts 10/03	Posted - Nov 26 2007 : 3:29AM ^^^^^ What does that have do with this thread? Read threads before posting, please. [Link]
ma meeshka Iconoclastic Member 3939 Posts 4/06	Posted - Nov 26 2007 : 3:50AM possibly meant to click post new topic instead of reply. i do that often. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 5:21AM BlackSix wrote: Is it really that hard to get laid? Or are you looking for a real relationship? Edited by - BlackSix on 11/25/2007 10:58:30 PM Click to expand No it's not. I think I may have painted the wrong picture of myself here. I'm actually a very sociable person. In fact, I was always part of the popular groups in school growing up. None of my friends really no about my little dark secret of erectile problems. They just think I'm this super picky person that has bad luck meeting women. The problem is this: The women has to look like Beauty Dior or one of my other favorite black porn stars to turn me on. I have no confidence when I see women of that quality. That's when my self esteem starts to go down hill. All those thoughts start coming into my head. I don't make enough money, am I good looking enough and so on... Then I have to deal with the fact that if she is interested, unless she fucks like a black porn star, there could be some problems. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 5:25AM @Bob, I tried to change my user name but I don't think you can. Plus, now that I'm a bit of a regular here with over 500 posts under my belt, it would be a shame to start over I also wanted to thank you for your input. [Link]

Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 10:20AM sickguy, You can change your username by e-mailing Drew or Steph -- they work the magic. You won't lose your postcount that way. If you're worried about name identification, you can always call yourself something with "guy" in it and keep the same avatar. Heck, you could put f/k/a sick guy in the "location" text of your avatar. Anyway, just suggestions. I don't mean to be pushy. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 11:57AM sickguy wrote: Then I have to deal with the fact that if she is interested, unless she fucks like a black porn star, there could be some problems. Click to expand I really do hope you understand that "porn sex" is not "real sex". What you watch in a video is not, generally, what the performers would choose to do for their own pleasure. It's an amalgam of what the video director believes the viewer is stimulated by, what it is possible to capture quickly on camera, what the performers are capable of, and what (hopefully) looks good. Just about nobody fucks like a porn star outside of a porn set. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 12:47PM In real life, I can't imagine "reverse cowgirl" being anything other than a calisthenic exercise. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Nov 29 2007 : 12:35AM Kimi Lixx wrote: sickguy wrote: Then I have to deal with the fact that if she is interested, unless she fucks like a black porn star, there could be some problems. Click to expand I really do hope you understand that "porn sex" is not "real sex". What you watch in a video is not, generally, what the performers would choose to do for their own pleasure. It's an amalgam of what the video director believes the viewer is stimulated by, what it is possible to capture quickly on camera, what the performers are capable of, and what (hopefully) looks good. Just about nobody fucks like a porn star outside of a porn set. Click to expand Oh I realize that. I just meant standard missionary doesn't do anything for me. I'm hoping to meet a women that is open minded enough that will like doggy style or something. I don't know why, but missionary doesn't turn me on at all. I wasn't hoping to meet a women that wouold do ATM and say the types of things porn stars say during sex. God, it's exhausting being me... [Link]
Pagoda Senior Member Thread Killer 1747 Posts 10/05	Posted - Nov 29 2007 : 6:07AM Some thoughts... You were right to avoid approaching that woman in the bar, due to the circumstances. When a woman goes out with a large group of work collegues, she might be embarrassed to receive that type of attention from a stranger. If she were out with her girlfriends in a nightclub, it would be a different scenario. There's a time and place for everything, and that was not the it. Don't kick yourself for passing up the opportunity. I think it would been a bad social move, and wouldn't have worked out well. Regarding your taste in women, you're constricted to a small dating pool. Know this because my BFF is a black woman who's attracted only to white men. She has struggled, well into her thirties, to find a guy she wants to date, let alone have a long-term relationship with. Even worse, she's been written off by so many guys, she feels unattractive and hopeless. It's hard when the person that catches your eye doesn't even notice you. I've been there, and it doesn't feel good. I don't know what you can do to increase your odds, other than to follow Bob's advice and get out into the world and participate in activities you enjoy. Addressing your insecurities about money and looks. Yes, most women want a guy who can at least take care of himself. He can pay his bills, he can pick her up for a date in his own car. It shows maturity when a man has those things covered. Another sign of maturity is good grooming. There is no reason why a man can't look his best. Make room in your budget for some nice, classic clothing. Get regular haircuts and take good care of your skin. You don't have to look slick or hip, and you don't have to pretend to be somebody you're not. Invest time and money in your outward appearance, and you'll feel vastly better about yourself. Now for your problems in the bedroom. You are disconnected from the reality of sex. Porn reaches you through only two senses; sight and sound. Real sex with another human being involves touch, taste and smell, too. You need to incorporate those senses into your fantasies. I suggest you switch from viewing porn to reading erotic fiction. You might want to start with a book or two by Kimberly Kaye Terry. Click! She writes for Ellora's Cave, which is a publisher of women's erotica. Her characters are usually black female/white male. It might give you some insight and perspective, and help you incorporate all the sensual aspects of sex into your fantasies. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Nov 29 2007 : 10:33AM ^^^ I love that you have such an encyclopedic knowledge of erotic fiction. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Dec 9 2007 : 8:33PM Okay ladies and gents... Now I really don't know what to do. I tried the escort thing last night. I was very attracted to the women and she made me feel really comfortable. I kind of explained to her I have some problems in the bedroom. She started off by giving me a little strip tease which got me going. She was ginding up against me and I was getting aroused. When it came time to to the deed, "Mr.Limp" showed up. We decided to try some oral.(condom on) This was working pretty good. I was hard for about five or 10 minutes but was unable to reach orgasam. I think if I didn't have the condom on, there might have been a chance to ejaculate. The thing that bothers me the most is this: When I was about to do the the deed,it's almost like the anticapation is more exciting then when it's starts to happen. Within minutes, I just get bored. When I'm by myself stroking, I have no problems. Has anyone ever heard of anything like this??? I told her I was going to try it with her a few more times. The problem is I can't really afford to keep going to see this escort to solve this problem. I think at this point I'm just wondering if anyone has ever heard of anything as strange as this? Edited by - sickguy on 12/9/2007 10:54:26 PM [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Dec 9 2007 : 9:15PM It's not so strange. I think you're experiencing garden-variety performance anxiety. It's not erectile dysfunction, because you can get hard when you're jerking off. You're alone when you're jerking off, so you're not "performing" for anyone. The big tip-off for me is that you were aroused during the striptease and grind -- you were in the moment, focused on her, and not worrying about yourself. When you "were about to do the deed", you got into your head and out of the moment -- hence the arrival of "Mr. Limp". You need to relax and learn to stay in the moment. Turn off "rational brain" and switch on "animal mind". If she's sympathetic, tell her that you're working on loosening up. Could you trade backrubs with her? If you need a little assistance getting out of your head until you build up your confidence, try smoking some pot (alcohol isn't a good replacement). When I first started having sex (way back in the Dark Ages), I dealt with performance anxiety. Stick with the program and it'll go away. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Dec 9 2007 : 10:50PM Thanks Bob Well, I told her I've set aside about 1000.00 for this. This gives me about 5 kicks at the can sort to speak. I told her I'm going to use all this money with her trying fix myself. I'm hoping by encounter # 3 or 4 that it works. Ecounter 5 would just be some batting practice incase I meet the black women of my dreams, I'll be a little more experienced. If not I'm just going to accept the fact I'll be alone forever, try to eccept it and some how deal with it. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Dec 9 2007 : 11:16PM ^^^ Don't accept anything less than happiness. If you're not where you want to be by Encounter #5, just save up another $1,000. Or find a patient non-pro. Either way, keep trying until you're where you want to be. Hang in there, man. Everything will work out. [Link]

BustdownGal Member 539 Posts 7/06	Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 3:43PM Trumpet Fanfare "Bring out the Tough Love Bitch!" Tough Love Bitch is carried out on a bed by 4 gay porn studs Sick, 1. Go to the doctor and have him test your testosterone to make sure you're medically ok. Tell him absolutely everything about your temporary dysfunctions. He may be able to help you tremendously. And he will very likely give you a free sample of Viagra. In fact he probably has so much Viagra lying around that you can get 2 packets. 2. Fuck your "$43,000 I'm so poor" story. Some of us are making in the low 20's with hundreds of thousands of grad school debt. You ain't hardly poor, son. =) 3. The way to get over cold-approach anxiety is to approach without thinking. If you see a target, approach her within 3 seconds of noticing her. I can tell just from the length of your initial post that you think too much. Don't think--Act. If she's with friends, that's a bonus: just talk to her friends. Join the group. You're there to meet new people and 15 just walked in. This will help ease your anxiety because you're the life of the party. You're the guy who's making everyone feel at home. Call the bartender by name and order a round for everyone. Be THAT guy. Women of beauty travel to bars with groups. Get used to it. 3b. You're the life of the party. Now what? Do you just walk up to her and say "I would like a longterm relationship with you?" No. Ask yourself what you really want in this moment. To ask her out? You're both already out. To get her number? For what? She's already right there. What you want is to get to know her to see if she is a quality person. Or if she is even an available person! She could be married to someone in the group! If you think of your goal as wanting to know a little about this stranger, as opposed to "MUST FUCK WOMAN TONIGHT OR ME WORTHLESS", then your anxiety will not fly to the stratosphere. 4. Women in general care more about social status than money or looks. You must constantly demonstrate that you are of high value. Or, as we say in my LOTR re-enactments, "show your quality." If you demonstrate low value (by putting yourself down or being self-effacing), you will LOSE. Stop that. Sell it, don't fell it. Money is not confidence. Otherwise, the guys who make minimum wage working in that bar you were in wouldn't be getting more pussy than you. 5. Read "The Game" by Neill Strauss. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 3:54PM ^^^ Having your doctor check your testosterone level is a good precaution, although I doubt that's the problem. Viagra is a good idea too, although it won't help you get out of your head. It will, however, keep the blood in your head. In general, I think BustdownGal's advice is excellent -- although she could be gentler. [Link]
Pagoda Senior Member Thread Killer 1747 Posts 10/05	Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 7:59PM I'm concerned about Sickguy's admission of boredom. This is a big red flag. It suggests that garden-variety sex might not be your cup of tea. It sounds like you need continuous sensory stimulation in order to let go of yourself and enjoy the moment. This is a radical proposition, but I suggest that you make an appointment with a local femme dom, or even a professional sub. In one scenario, both your pleasure and hers are taken completely out of your control. In the other scenario, you are forced to control your own arousal as a demonstration of your dominance. Either way, I think it could work out positively for you. You'll learn something about yourself. You'll discover whether you're naturally dominant or submissive. Neither is better than the other. I think there are many fewer natural dominants out there in the world. Most people feel more secure when they can surrender the decision-making to somebody they can trust. There's a level of freedom that one can only reach when he puts himself into another's keeping. So maybe you and the escort can act out a couple of role-playing scenarios. I highly suggest that you let her dominate you first, in order to put her at ease and earn her trust. It doesn't have to be elaborate, nor involve contraptions or verbal humiliation. It can be as simple as letting her sit on your face, or her allowing you to pin her arms behind her back while she pleasures you. Give it a try. You can only learn and grow from the experience. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 8:15PM And stop masturbating for a while. Seriously, guys get so accustomed to their own touch and their own internal fantasies that they lose the ability to enjoy outside stimulation. [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 8:22PM Thanks BustdownGal Actually I've been to the doctor for tests. They told me I should be the opposite. I should have a high sex drive. The other thing is, I am the life of the party. I wear all the 'in-style" clothes and dress well. I'm extremely socialable. When I go to the bar, I get a big cheer like Norm from "Cheers". People think I'm funny. When I was younger, I was always in the popular groups at school . In fact, when I was in grade school, I was the guy all the girls wanted. Hell most of my closest friends don't understand why I've been single for long. My family is starting to think I might be gay.(they don't say it but I can tell because it's not talked about why I'm single anymore) People who aren't close to me think I get my fair share of women. My looks have slipped a bit because I put some weight on and I'm balding but I'm still not bad. I work with what I got. I keep my head shaved and wear diamond earings and dress nice. I feel like posting a pic of myself. Nobody really knows about this deep dark secret of mine. I think I may have painted/misled everyone in my original post. I think it's more the problem with sex is really eating away at me. I remember watching Howard Stern one time and they were having this contest for the oldest virgins. The winner got to sleep with a porn star. There was this black guy who was about 25 years old that wasn't bad looking and basically told the same story I'm going through. He won the contest and got to sleep with the porn star. They interviewed him and ask if it worked. He said yes. He said probably because she was a porn star and really knew what she was doing. This is the only time I've ever heard of anything like this. It's just very difficult for a guy to accept because that is big part of being a guy. Anyway, I want to thank you guys for listening and your advice. I'm going to keep trying with this escort. I just felt bad because I think she even felt a little awkward. Non the less, she nice, attractive and is willing to try to help me. I'll keep you all posted. In the mean time, if anyone has ever heard of anything like this I would be interested in hearing about it. Thanks Edited by - sickguy on 12/11/2007 3:16:25 PM [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 8:24PM Kimi Lixx wrote: And stop masturbating for a while. Seriously, guys get so accustomed to their own touch and their own internal fantasies that they lose the ability to enjoy outside stimulation. Click to expand This I'm going to try. I know it's a serious challenge but I really think this might help. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:21PM sickguy wrote: In the mean time, if anyone has ever heard of anything like this I would be interested in hearing about it. Click to expand In my profession I've heard this, and things like this, so many times I think it may be a fairly common thing. Seriously, more guys have problems with sex than you've ever think because, like you said, guys just don't talk about their sex PROBLEMS with other guys. Every guy is a super stud when he's talking to his buddies. Behind closed doors, it's a different story. [Link]
stinkfist Senior Member Subterfuge...... 7401 Posts 4/07	Posted - Dec 11 2007 : 9:37AM Your right kimi,i never lost my virginity till about 21 or 22..but to friends etc i lost it at 16...Sickguy,from reading that you went with an escort etc that was a huge step to take,the fact that your going there expecting to perform has its own downfalls as well,stress,anxiety etc.Without seeking all the details from you.You said you will go back at least another couple of times.Im guessing you checked out photos etc then booked the girl.Maybe a more experienced and sympathetic mature woman would have been best for you(im only guessing here)but a lot of escorts provide services for nervous first times right through to disabled clients,you maybe could have shared a few e-mails explaining your shyness and went there knowing that the woman fully understands the situation..even booking for 30 minutes,get a massage,maybe even just hand relief,see how you get on..then on your next visit maybe your feeling more confident and get oral.i know it might be costly going but its something your wanting to go through with.Going there expecting to go through with everything was a big ask..of anybody.Your getting lots of help here on this thread.i hope things work out for you. [Link]
Kensington Chapp Senior Citizen Mine is the biggest. 610 Posts 7/07	Posted - Dec 30 2007 : 8:16AM Kimi Lixx wrote: Just about nobody fucks like a porn star outside of a porn set. Click to expand Speak for yourself Sickguy, I'm not sure I can offer you any useful advice but I do feel your pain in a different way; anytime I see a hot broad who appears worthy of my time and hence I am willing to waste time chatting her up, I notice that she's already had 10 to 15 guys hit on her already today. And it's only 1400. This puts me off attempting to make any sort of connection as I feel like she'd automatically put me in the desperado gimp category along with those other guys. The only time I do chat up women is when they approach me, or I get a really convenient opportunity. Hence my perpetual single status. I really shouldn't be here Edited by - kensington chapp on 12/30/2007 8:18:06 AM [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Dec 31 2007 : 12:36PM Kensington Chapp wrote: Kimi Lixx wrote: Just about nobody fucks like a porn star outside of a porn set. Click to expand Speak for yourself ... Hence my perpetual single status. Click to expand You're doing all the speaking required. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Dec 31 2007 : 8:18PM ^^^ [Link]
Kensington Chapp Senior Citizen Mine is the biggest. 610 Posts 7/07	Posted - Jan 1 2008 : 8:44AM Kimi Lixx wrote: You're doing all the speaking required. Click to expand Your point would be a valid one if it weren't possible for a chap to have intermittent sexual encounters without the occurrence of a established relationship. I really shouldn't be here [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Jan 2 2008 : 12:05AM Kensington Chapp wrote: Kimi Lixx wrote: Just about nobody fucks like a porn star outside of a porn set. Click to expand Speak for yourself Sickguy, I'm not sure I can offer you any useful advice but I do feel your pain in a different way; anytime I see a hot broad who appears worthy of my time and hence I am willing to waste time chatting her up, I notice that she's already had 10 to 15 guys hit on her already today. And it's only 1400. This puts me off attempting to make any sort of connection as I feel like she'd automatically put me in the desperado gimp category along with those other guys. The only time I do chat up women is when they approach me, or I get a really convenient opportunity. Hence my perpetual single status. I really shouldn't be here Edited by - kensington chapp on 12/30/2007 8:18:06 AM Click to expand Thanks Kensington chapp. For me it's kind of strange. I've been going on all these blind dates over the past year because I've been on a local phone dating service. I've been on about 10 this year and I would say 9 of the women wanted to pursue it. I just wasn't attracted to them. I don't know if confidence is the issue with me anymore as I think it's more about my problems in the sack. [Link]
goofy Deactivated User 16 Posts 12/05	Posted - Jan 2 2008 : 2:33PM sickguy - You really are asking some good, serious questions. And, you got some some really good, serious opinions between the nonsense on this board. The problem is that there is no right or wrong answer and no one on this board or anywhere has the answer. You have to do what you're comfortable with & what works for you & not worry about what "they do" in the movies, TV, etc,... One thing you should do is speak to a professional counselor that may be able to help. The very best to you, Goofy [Link]
sickguy Deactivated User I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan 736 Posts 9/06	Posted - Jan 2 2008 : 7:19PM Hey People, I just wanted to reiterate how thankful and how much I appreciate everyone' s input and support. It's really nice to know how many people out there are trying/willing to help other people with there problems. Thanks so much everyone. [Link]

Author

Post

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 21 2007 : 7:48AM

Okay ladies of ADT, I'm looking for you opinions and thoughts on this...
Got home from the bar last night and was really depressed because of this situation:
I was at the bar and in comes this group of people. Definitely was some sort of local office/business people going for some after work drinks. Anyway, one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life is in this group. She seemed to be very down to earth from what I could tell.
The whole time I was contemplating buying her a drink or at least introducing myself. It was kind of hard because she was always socializing with people in the group but I did have my chances. (It was big group, maybe like 15 of them)
Over the last few weeks I've tried to adapt a new way of thinking. I've tried to tell myself, "you only live once so go for everything you want." Kind of like phrase in the movie Shawshank Redemption "get busy living or get busy dieing".
Not that I'm shy, but I never ended up buying her the drink or introducing myself for these reasons:
1)Kind of insecure about my current career and my ability to get a decent job if I loose the one I have now. (I currently make about 43,000 a year so even that's not great)
2) Also kind of insecure about my looks. I would say I'm average looking at best. She was kind of tall and I'm only about 5'9. I know there are many women that only like men at least their height or taller. I think she was about 5'10 maybe 5'11.
3)Even if she was interested in me, I have some serious issues in the bedroom. I'm 33, have only had sex a few times. Not that I haven't had opportunities. When I was younger, had a full head of hair and thinner, I was above average looking IMHO. It's just that I never really liked sex. Liked the kissing and cuddling but never had desire for sex. Sometimes I can't even maintain an erection. The short version of my story is that the only thing that seems turn me on enough to give me orgasms is some of the black porn stars that I really like. (I'm white) So even by some miracle if she was interested in my looks and didn't care too much about my ability to be a provider financially, I have to drop this bomb on her.
It's the last one that puts it over the top. I just kind of felt for an insecure guy that's average looking and will never have a lot of money, the fact she has to deal with that problem is just too much work for a guy like me. Maybe if I was rich and good looking, it would somewhat offset this problem.
I know you ladies can't answer for the women I would have love to met, but I was wondering what your thoughts on this are? I'm NOT looking for sympathy, but honesty.

Do you think that my thought process is pretty accurate in the likeliness of her being interested?

How would you react in this women's situation? (you can answer that by telling me your opinions about a guy buying you drink at a bar, up to the part where you've been out a few times and were told about the bedroom problems)
I've been thinking about this situation all night. I know most likely our paths will never cross again, but I'm trying to get some insight for the future. I'm trying really hard to change my way of thinking to the whole "you never know unless you try" spiel but it's a tuff hump to get over. I realize some of you may want to tell me "next time, go for it!" but keep in mind, every time a women shoots me down, the ego will keep taking a beating potentially worsening the situation. Sometimes I say to myself "life is just easier by accepting the fact I will always be single".
Remember, honesty is the key here. Not sympathy!
I guess I'm looking for two things:
1)What's important to you in a relationship? Even if you say "for me it's all about the sex!" or "Money is a huge factor in my relationships".
2)Your advice for me and my situation. What should I have done with the women at the bar? What should I do in the future? Am I right about the fact that if I were rich and good looking, my bedroom problems wouldn't be such a big deal?
Thanks and really looking forward to any input you might have.
Sickguy

[Link]

Ivory
Sex Object by Proxy

"We all want our time in Hell."
647 Posts
8/04

Posted - Nov 21 2007 : 11:47PM

I don't really know what to say because I don't know what you were wanting to happen if you had bought her a drink.
Are you looking for a lifetime partner, a short-term fling...

Also, if you're feeling insecure about your career, your looks and your sexuality, that will reflect in the sort of energy you put out.
Well, that's all for now. Sorry not to have more to offer.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 12:13AM

First off, I would like to thank you for responding.
I was looking more for a long term relationship.
I guess what I was ultimaltey hoping to hear, is that women are more into personalty rather than money and looks.
I guess that would give and many other men out there confidence.
For me, this is only half the equation. The other half of the equation is the whole sex issue.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 12:13AM

[Link]

Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 12:18AM

Why would you want to interact with a woman who you don't believe is a good match for you?
You say "The short version of my story is that the only thing that seems turn me on enough to give me orgasms is some of the black porn stars that I really like."
That seems to indicate that you aren't really very turned on by white women, even if you recognize that they are attractive. Why seek a white woman as a relationship partner (long term or short)?
If you just want to socialize, then you should have offered to buy her a drink and tried to start a conversation with her, even though she was in the company of others. You certainly can't socialize if you don't make any move to do so. For all you know she was obligated to make nice with a bunch of people she barely knows from work and doesn't really like and would have really liked any excuse at all to talk to someone else.
If you want to know if women want to date men who can't maintain an erection with them and who aren't confident in their own attractiveness and position in life, the answer is pretty much "NO".
No more than a man would want a woman for a partner who was anorgasmic (with him) and who didn't think she was attractive enough to score or successful enough to deserve to score.
If you're asking whether or not women are as obsessed with looks as men are, the answer is no. Unless you're seriously unpresentable, most women overlook a few flaws. That doesn't mean good looking guys don't get the first glance and some appreciation, it just means you don't have to be a good looking guy to get the second glance and a date.
Yes, the size of your wallet matters. It matters most to women who want your wallet. Do you want a woman who wants your wallet or a woman who wants you? As long as you're not a lazy good-for-nothing scumbag, most women are okay with that. Hell, plenty of women take the lazy good-for-nothing scumbags, but you probably want to stay away from them.
Quite frankly, I think your lack of bedroom performance would be more of an issue in a relationship than your bald spot, your spare tire, and your company's downsizing. Really, I can't think of anyone who WANTS a partner they know is not turned on by them.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 9:43AM

First off, I would like to thank you for your input Kimi. Your one of my favorite posters here ADT. You always have great insight and informative posts.
Anyway, I don't know where you got the idea that the women was white. She was black. I don't think anywhere in my post I mentioned her race. Maybe I should have.
This was sort of the issue. I thought she was so attractive that I was hoping everything in the bedroom would work itself out. I won't really know unless I get the opportunity. I'm just kind of nervous that even women like this, it still might not work.
(I know it's kind of confusing. It's hard for me sometimes to explain in writing)

Edited by - sickguy on 11/22/2007 9:44:18 AM

[Link]

Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 11:14AM

I thought she was not black (which doesn't mean she is white) because you said you would have to "drop this bomb on her". Which I took to mean you would have to explain to her that you only get turned on by black porn performers, i.e. not her.
Now if she's a gorgeous black woman, you must think she's at least as physically attractive as the black porn performers you've seen. Why are you worried that you could not perform with her? What "bomb" do you need to drop on her? That you get turned on by porn? That's no bomb, all women know that already. Are you only turned on by porn? If so, you need to quit looking at porn for a while and let your mind reset. People can get habituated and that's not a rut you want to be stuck in.

[Link]

stinkfist
Senior Member

Subterfuge......
7401 Posts
4/07

Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 6:53PM

Sickguy,(im male)but think that was a really honest post to make.You did not pull any punches told it like it is and for that alone good on you.As someone who has and still does suffer terribly from anxiety and depression..the feelings of never being good enough etc.Im sure that we all have feelings like that at some point in our life,i hope that you have people in your life that you can turn to for support as your self esteem seems really low just now,surround yourself with people who like you for who and what your are..learn to like yourself first.All the best.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 11:22PM

@Kimi
Bigno Kimi!!! That's pretty much the problem. It seems like
the only thing that turns me on is porn. I can't exactly say to a women, "do you mind acting like a porn star when we have sex? Otherwise I might have some problems with the equipment..."
@Thanks for the support stinkfist. Even though we don't know each other, that means a lot man.
Edited by - sickguy on 11/22/2007 11:25:14 PM
Edited by - sickguy on 11/23/2007 9:21:01 AM

[Link]

ma meeshka
Iconoclastic Member

3939 Posts
4/06

Posted - Nov 22 2007 : 11:38PM

hence your username. it's so apt, i don't need to comment.
oops, i did.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 23 2007 : 9:25AM

yep...

[Link]

kataboom
master blaster

ad astra per aspera
995 Posts
6/03

Posted - Nov 23 2007 : 9:52AM

dude if the only thing that turns you on is porn then man thats a big problem out of the gate. work on that first & dont worry about all the other stuff.

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 1:44AM

Sickguy,
I was struck by your post and have some thoughts:
Change your user name to something other than “sickguy” -- something that feels positive to you. If you use any other self-defeating names on other message boards, change them too.
If you’re not a smooth talker, bars are not the best places to meet women. I’m not sure they’re the best places for that any which way.
What are your interests and hobbies? Try to get involved in groups where you can pursue these with other people, including female other people. That’s a better way to meet a woman that you’ll have things in common with.
Regarding self-esteem: You shouldn’t accept low self-esteem as a given. Instead, work actively on feeling better about yourself. Just a couple of random ideas: Have you ever thought about taking acting lessons? Or dancing lessons? Both activities are good for building confidence and physical self-assurance.
I wouldn’t worry too much about being shorter than a woman you find attractive. Some women definitely prefer taller guys, but some don’t care much either way. My wife is 5 inches taller than me.

I second Kimi’s suggestion about making it a point to date black women. If they turn you on the most, why date white women at all?
Regarding sexual confidence: It might make sense for you to find a nice, cute, black escort to help you in this area. Be upfront – tell her that you want a sexual re-education and that you’re more than happy to pay for it.
Good luck!
.
[typos]
Edited by - bob on 11/25/2007 8:49:40 PM

[Link]

lilacwine
Member

"Don't let your lava love turn to stone."
489 Posts
5/06

Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 6:33AM

"Porn women" don't exist outside of porn. It's a fantasy that the industry has created. It's about as real as "professional" wrestling. Learn to get turned on by "real" everday women. Unless of course, your porn fixation is your way of keeping real intimacy at arms length.

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 1:13PM

This is an issue to think carefully and honestly about. It's another good reason for you to take a hiatus from porn-watching.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 5:23PM

Thanks for the suggestions guys.
Bob, I don't know where the notion of me dating white women came from. It's only black women that I try to date.
Anyway, I personally think the escort idea is the only hope I have. I tried it a few times with minimal success. I think I need to give it another shot though.
Thanks for the input. I'm taking all ideas, thoughts and suggestions seriously.

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 8:56PM

I think the key is to find someone you like and who seems open to what you're looking to get out of your time with her -- namely, confidence -- and become a regular. If you find the right escort, it won't matter to her (and shouldn't matter to you) if your initial experiences aren't "successful".

[Link]

jayo

All-Star Member

2117 Posts
7/04

Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 9:26PM

That kind of thought has a bad habit of coming true, since one tends to look for all the evidence that supports it, and dismisses anything else.
I know how it is. I could have written most of the first post on this thread with only a little bit of editing. All I'm saying is, if you go into the game thinking you're going to lose, you probably will.
If you go in thinking you'll win, you may still lose, but at least you didn't defeat yourself.

[Link]

BlackSix

All-Star Member

pornography wasn't sex but fantasies of an impossibly hospitable world
12377 Posts
9/07

Posted - Nov 25 2007 : 10:58PM

Is it really that hard to get laid? Or are you looking for a real relationship?
Edited by - BlackSix on 11/25/2007 10:58:30 PM

[Link]

Dracula
Member

Women's necks are too damned sexy for me!
756 Posts
3/06

Posted - Nov 26 2007 : 12:00AM

A lot of good advice here and here's one more... Just relax and try and have fun. This shouldn't be a science project, it should be about relaxing and having fun. Go ahead and ask that girl for a dance, if she says no, ask another, and another and another. Keep asking, keep going back, and keep it fun. Don't worry about those negative thoughts, focus on having a good time and see what happens. Good luck!

[Link]

NerdGod
Member

Using a 2 inch cock like it was 12
480 Posts
7/06

Posted - Nov 26 2007 : 2:55AM

I have a question that a female customer asked me but i have no clue.
she asked me "how can i have a squirting O?"
So is there anything a female can do to get one???

[Link]

conquistador
Deactivated User

Hellhamster.
2947 Posts
10/03

Posted - Nov 26 2007 : 3:29AM

^^^^^
What does that have do with this thread?

Read threads before posting, please.

[Link]

ma meeshka
Iconoclastic Member

3939 Posts
4/06

Posted - Nov 26 2007 : 3:50AM

possibly meant to click post new topic instead of reply. i do that often.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 5:21AM

No it's not. I think I may have painted the wrong picture of myself here. I'm actually a very sociable person. In fact, I was always part of the popular groups in school growing up. None of my friends really no about my little dark secret of erectile problems. They just think I'm this super picky person that has bad luck meeting women.
The problem is this:
The women has to look like Beauty Dior or one of my other favorite black porn stars to turn me on. I have no confidence when I see women of that quality. That's when my self esteem starts to go down hill.
All those thoughts start coming into my head. I don't make enough money, am I good looking enough and so on...
Then I have to deal with the fact that if she is interested, unless she fucks like a black porn star, there could be some problems.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 5:25AM

@Bob,
I tried to change my user name but I don't think you can.
Plus, now that I'm a bit of a regular here with over 500 posts under my belt, it would be a shame to start over

I also wanted to thank you for your input.

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 10:20AM

sickguy,
You can change your username by e-mailing Drew or Steph -- they work the magic. You won't lose your postcount that way.
If you're worried about name identification, you can always call yourself something with "guy" in it and keep the same avatar. Heck, you could put f/k/a sick guy in the "location" text of your avatar.
Anyway, just suggestions. I don't mean to be pushy.

[Link]

Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 11:57AM

I really do hope you understand that "porn sex" is not "real sex". What you watch in a video is not, generally, what the performers would choose to do for their own pleasure. It's an amalgam of what the video director believes the viewer is stimulated by, what it is possible to capture quickly on camera, what the performers are capable of, and what (hopefully) looks good.
Just about nobody fucks like a porn star outside of a porn set.

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Nov 27 2007 : 12:47PM

In real life, I can't imagine "reverse cowgirl" being anything other than a calisthenic exercise.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Nov 29 2007 : 12:35AM

Oh I realize that. I just meant standard missionary doesn't do anything for me. I'm hoping to meet a women that is open minded enough that will like doggy style or something. I don't know why, but missionary doesn't turn me on at all. I wasn't hoping to meet a women that wouold do ATM and say the types of things porn stars say during sex.
God, it's exhausting being me...

[Link]

Pagoda
Senior Member

Thread Killer
1747 Posts
10/05

Posted - Nov 29 2007 : 6:07AM

Some thoughts...
You were right to avoid approaching that woman in the bar, due to the circumstances. When a woman goes out with a large group of work collegues, she might be embarrassed to receive that type of attention from a stranger. If she were out with her girlfriends in a nightclub, it would be a different scenario. There's a time and place for everything, and that was not the it. Don't kick yourself for passing up the opportunity. I think it would been a bad social move, and wouldn't have worked out well.
Regarding your taste in women, you're constricted to a small dating pool. Know this because my BFF is a black woman who's attracted only to white men. She has struggled, well into her thirties, to find a guy she wants to date, let alone have a long-term relationship with. Even worse, she's been written off by so many guys, she feels unattractive and hopeless. It's hard when the person that catches your eye doesn't even notice you. I've been there, and it doesn't feel good. I don't know what you can do to increase your odds, other than to follow Bob's advice and get out into the world and participate in activities you enjoy.
Addressing your insecurities about money and looks. Yes, most women want a guy who can at least take care of himself. He can pay his bills, he can pick her up for a date in his own car. It shows maturity when a man has those things covered. Another sign of maturity is good grooming. There is no reason why a man can't look his best. Make room in your budget for some nice, classic clothing. Get regular haircuts and take good care of your skin. You don't have to look slick or hip, and you don't have to pretend to be somebody you're not. Invest time and money in your outward appearance, and you'll feel vastly better about yourself.
Now for your problems in the bedroom. You are disconnected from the reality of sex. Porn reaches you through only two senses; sight and sound. Real sex with another human being involves touch, taste and smell, too. You need to incorporate those senses into your fantasies. I suggest you switch from viewing porn to reading erotic fiction. You might want to start with a book or two by
Kimberly Kaye Terry. Click! She writes for Ellora's Cave, which is a publisher of women's erotica. Her characters are usually black female/white male. It might give you some insight and perspective, and help you incorporate all the sensual aspects of sex into your fantasies.

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Nov 29 2007 : 10:33AM

^^^
I love that you have such an encyclopedic knowledge of erotic fiction.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Dec 9 2007 : 8:33PM

Okay ladies and gents...
Now I really don't know what to do. I tried the escort thing last night.
I was very attracted to the women and she made me feel really comfortable. I kind of explained to her I have some problems in the bedroom. She started off by giving me a little strip tease which got me going. She was ginding up against me and I was getting aroused. When it came time to to the deed, "Mr.Limp" showed up. We decided to try some oral.(condom on) This was working pretty good. I was hard for about five or 10 minutes but was unable to reach orgasam. I think if I didn't have the condom on, there might have been a chance to ejaculate.
The thing that bothers me the most is this: When I was about to do the the deed,it's almost like the anticapation is more exciting then when it's starts to happen. Within minutes, I just get bored.
When I'm by myself stroking, I have no problems.
Has anyone ever heard of anything like this???
I told her I was going to try it with her a few more times. The problem is I can't really afford to keep going to see this escort to solve this problem.
I think at this point I'm just wondering if anyone has ever heard of anything as strange as this?
Edited by - sickguy on 12/9/2007 10:54:26 PM

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Dec 9 2007 : 9:15PM

It's not so strange. I think you're experiencing garden-variety performance anxiety.
It's not erectile dysfunction, because you can get hard when you're jerking off.
You're alone when you're jerking off, so you're not "performing" for anyone.
The big tip-off for me is that you were aroused during the striptease and grind -- you were in the moment, focused on her, and not worrying about yourself. When you "were about to do the deed", you got into your head and out of the moment -- hence the arrival of "Mr. Limp".
You need to relax and learn to stay in the moment. Turn off "rational brain" and switch on "animal mind". If she's sympathetic, tell her that you're working on loosening up. Could you trade backrubs with her? If you need a little assistance getting out of your head until you build up your confidence, try smoking some pot (alcohol isn't a good replacement).
When I first started having sex (way back in the Dark Ages), I dealt with performance anxiety. Stick with the program and it'll go away.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Dec 9 2007 : 10:50PM

Thanks Bob
Well, I told her I've set aside about 1000.00 for this. This gives me about 5 kicks at the can sort to speak. I told her I'm going to use all this money with her trying fix myself. I'm hoping by encounter # 3 or 4 that it works. Ecounter 5 would just be some batting practice incase I meet the black women of my dreams, I'll be a little more experienced.
If not I'm just going to accept the fact I'll be alone forever, try to eccept it and some how deal with it.

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Dec 9 2007 : 11:16PM

^^^
Don't accept anything less than happiness.
If you're not where you want to be by Encounter #5, just save up another $1,000. Or find a patient non-pro. Either way, keep trying until you're where you want to be.
Hang in there, man. Everything will work out.

[Link]

BustdownGal
Member

539 Posts
7/06

Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 3:43PM

*Trumpet Fanfare*
"Bring out the Tough Love Bitch!"
*Tough Love Bitch is carried out on a bed by 4 gay porn studs*
Sick,
1. Go to the doctor and have him test your testosterone to make sure you're medically ok. Tell him absolutely everything about your temporary dysfunctions. He may be able to help you tremendously. And he will very likely give you a free sample of Viagra. In fact he probably has so much Viagra lying around that you can get 2 packets.
2. Fuck your "$43,000 I'm so poor" story. Some of us are making in the low 20's with hundreds of thousands of grad school debt. You ain't hardly poor, son. =)
3. The way to get over cold-approach anxiety is to approach without thinking. If you see a target, approach her within 3 seconds of noticing her. I can tell just from the length of your initial post that you think too much. Don't think--Act. If she's with friends, that's a bonus: just talk to her friends. Join the group. You're there to meet new people and 15 just walked in. This will help ease your anxiety because you're the life of the party. You're the guy who's making everyone feel at home. Call the bartender by name and order a round for everyone. Be THAT guy. Women of beauty travel to bars with groups. Get used to it.
3b. You're the life of the party. Now what? Do you just walk up to her and say "I would like a longterm relationship with you?" No. Ask yourself what you really want in this moment. To ask her out? You're both already out. To get her number? For what? She's already right there. What you want is to get to know her to see if she is a quality person. Or if she is even an available person! She could be married to someone in the group! If you think of your goal as wanting to know a little about this stranger, as opposed to "MUST FUCK WOMAN TONIGHT OR ME WORTHLESS", then your anxiety will not fly to the stratosphere.
4. Women in general care more about social status than money or looks. You must constantly demonstrate that you are of high value. Or, as we say in my LOTR re-enactments, "show your quality." If you demonstrate low value (by putting yourself down or being self-effacing), you will LOSE. Stop that. Sell it, don't fell it. Money is not confidence. Otherwise, the guys who make minimum wage working in that bar you were in wouldn't be getting more pussy than you.
5. Read "The Game" by Neill Strauss.

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 3:54PM

^^^
Having your doctor check your testosterone level is a good precaution, although I doubt that's the problem.
Viagra is a good idea too, although it won't help you get out of your head. It will, however, keep the blood in your head.
In general, I think BustdownGal's advice is excellent -- although she could be gentler.

[Link]

Pagoda
Senior Member

Thread Killer
1747 Posts
10/05

Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 7:59PM

I'm concerned about Sickguy's admission of boredom. This is a big red flag. It suggests that garden-variety sex might not be your cup of tea. It sounds like you need continuous sensory stimulation in order to let go of yourself and enjoy the moment. This is a radical proposition, but I suggest that you make an appointment with a local femme dom, or even a professional sub. In one scenario, both your pleasure and hers are taken completely out of your control. In the other scenario, you are forced to control your own arousal as a demonstration of your dominance. Either way, I think it could work out positively for you. You'll learn something about yourself. You'll discover whether you're naturally dominant or submissive. Neither is better than the other. I think there are many fewer natural dominants out there in the world. Most people feel more secure when they can surrender the decision-making to somebody they can trust. There's a level of freedom that one can only reach when he puts himself into another's keeping.
So maybe you and the escort can act out a couple of role-playing scenarios. I highly suggest that you let her dominate you first, in order to put her at ease and earn her trust. It doesn't have to be elaborate, nor involve contraptions or verbal humiliation. It can be as simple as letting her sit on your face, or her allowing you to pin her arms behind her back while she pleasures you. Give it a try. You can only learn and grow from the experience.

[Link]

Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 8:15PM

And stop masturbating for a while. Seriously, guys get so accustomed to their own touch and their own internal fantasies that they lose the ability to enjoy outside stimulation.

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 8:22PM

Thanks BustdownGal
Actually I've been to the doctor for tests. They told me I should be the opposite. I should have a high sex drive.
The other thing is, I am the life of the party. I wear all the 'in-style" clothes and dress well. I'm extremely socialable. When I go to the bar, I get a big cheer like Norm from "Cheers". People think I'm funny. When I was younger, I was always in the popular groups at school . In fact, when I was in grade school, I was the guy all the girls wanted.
Hell most of my closest friends don't understand why I've been single for long. My family is starting to think I might be gay.(they don't say it but I can tell because it's not talked about why I'm single anymore) People who aren't close to me think I get my fair share of women. My looks have slipped a bit because I put some weight on and I'm balding but I'm still not bad. I work with what I got. I keep my head shaved and wear diamond earings and dress nice. I feel like posting a pic of myself.
Nobody really knows about this deep dark secret of mine. I think I may have painted/misled everyone in my original post. I think it's more the problem with sex is really eating away at me.
I remember watching Howard Stern one time and they were having this contest for the oldest virgins. The winner got to sleep with a porn star. There was this black guy who was about 25 years old that wasn't bad looking and basically told the same story I'm going through. He won the contest and got to sleep with the porn star. They interviewed him and ask if it worked. He said yes. He said probably because she was a porn star and really knew what she was doing.
This is the only time I've ever heard of anything like this. It's just very difficult for a guy to accept because that is big part of being a guy.
Anyway, I want to thank you guys for listening and your advice.
I'm going to keep trying with this escort. I just felt bad because I think she even felt a little awkward. Non the less, she nice, attractive and is willing to try to help me.
I'll keep you all posted.
In the mean time, if anyone has ever heard of anything like this I would be interested in hearing about it.
Thanks

Edited by - sickguy on 12/11/2007 3:16:25 PM

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 8:24PM

This I'm going to try. I know it's a serious challenge but I really think this might help.

[Link]

Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Dec 10 2007 : 11:21PM

In my profession I've heard this, and things like this, so many times I think it may be a fairly common thing. Seriously, more guys have problems with sex than you've ever think because, like you said, guys just don't talk about their sex PROBLEMS with other guys. Every guy is a super stud when he's talking to his buddies. Behind closed doors, it's a different story.

[Link]

stinkfist
Senior Member

Subterfuge......
7401 Posts
4/07

Posted - Dec 11 2007 : 9:37AM

Your right kimi,i never lost my virginity till about 21 or 22..but to friends etc i lost it at 16...Sickguy,from reading that you went with an escort etc that was a huge step to take,the fact that your going there expecting to perform has its own downfalls as well,stress,anxiety etc.Without seeking all the details from you.You said you will go back at least another couple of times.Im guessing you checked out photos etc then booked the girl.Maybe a more experienced and sympathetic mature woman would have been best for you(im only guessing here)but a lot of escorts provide services for nervous first times right through to disabled clients,you maybe could have shared a few e-mails explaining your shyness and went there knowing that the woman fully understands the situation..even booking for 30 minutes,get a massage,maybe even just hand relief,see how you get on..then on your next visit maybe your feeling more confident and get oral.i know it might be costly going but its something your wanting to go through with.Going there expecting to go through with everything was a big ask..of anybody.Your getting lots of help here on this thread.i hope things work out for you.

[Link]

Kensington Chapp
Senior Citizen

Mine is the biggest.
610 Posts
7/07

Posted - Dec 30 2007 : 8:16AM

Speak for yourself

Sickguy, I'm not sure I can offer you any useful advice but I do feel your pain in a different way; anytime I see a hot broad who appears worthy of my time and hence I am willing to waste time chatting her up, I notice that she's already had 10 to 15 guys hit on her already today. And it's only 1400.
This puts me off attempting to make any sort of connection as I feel like she'd automatically put me in the desperado gimp category along with those other guys.
The only time I do chat up women is when they approach me, or I get a really convenient opportunity.
Hence my perpetual single status.
I really shouldn't be here
Edited by - kensington chapp on 12/30/2007 8:18:06 AM

[Link]

Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Dec 31 2007 : 12:36PM

You're doing all the speaking required.

[Link]

Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Dec 31 2007 : 8:18PM

^^^

[Link]

Kensington Chapp
Senior Citizen

Mine is the biggest.
610 Posts
7/07

Posted - Jan 1 2008 : 8:44AM

Your point would be a valid one if it weren't possible for a chap to have intermittent sexual encounters without the occurrence of a established relationship.

I really shouldn't be here

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Jan 2 2008 : 12:05AM

Kensington Chapp wrote:
Kimi Lixx wrote:
Just about nobody fucks like a porn star outside of a porn set.
Click to expand
Speak for yourself
Sickguy, I'm not sure I can offer you any useful advice but I do feel your pain in a different way; anytime I see a hot broad who appears worthy of my time and hence I am willing to waste time chatting her up, I notice that she's already had 10 to 15 guys hit on her already today. And it's only 1400.
This puts me off attempting to make any sort of connection as I feel like she'd automatically put me in the desperado gimp category along with those other guys.
The only time I do chat up women is when they approach me, or I get a really convenient opportunity.
Hence my perpetual single status.
I really shouldn't be here
Edited by - kensington chapp on 12/30/2007 8:18:06 AM
Click to expand

Thanks Kensington chapp.
For me it's kind of strange. I've been going on all these blind dates over the past year because I've been on a local phone dating service.
I've been on about 10 this year and I would say 9 of the women wanted to pursue it. I just wasn't attracted to them. I don't know if confidence is the issue with me anymore as I think it's more about my problems in the sack.

[Link]

goofy
Deactivated User

16 Posts
12/05

Posted - Jan 2 2008 : 2:33PM

sickguy -
You really are asking some good, serious questions. And, you got some some really good, serious opinions between the nonsense on this board. The problem is that there is no right or wrong answer and no one on this board or anywhere has the answer. You have to do what you're comfortable with & what works for you & not worry about what "they do" in the movies, TV, etc,...
One thing you should do is speak to a professional counselor that may be able to help.
The very best to you,
Goofy

[Link]

sickguy
Deactivated User

I'm unofficially Beauty Dior's #1 Fan
736 Posts
9/06

Posted - Jan 2 2008 : 7:19PM

Hey People,
I just wanted to reiterate how thankful and how much I appreciate everyone' s input and support. It's really nice to know how many people out there are trying/willing to help other people with there problems.
Thanks so much everyone.

[Link]