I've been in love with two girls in my life, those were the only two girls I REALLY wanted to fuck, but didn't b/c I was in love with them... this is all old, I've learned my lesson... but of course atm, I'm not talking to any girls nor am I trying(which is really hard to do, but I'm focus on earning money atm) so this is kind of a venting and curiosity thing...
So, yeah, first girl, my first love, she was not the open type, she was the type of girl to give hints, and hope you did something... whether they were subtle or physical... at the time of these events, I didn't know sex starts before intercourse...
first night after a year of being friends, I had her over my apartment, while watching a move I gave her a massage, had her topless in prone position, while I was over her back... I mean, it was the first night over, I had no idea I would even get that far, I was young, just being aggressive, but I was thinking the entire time, I can't fuck this girl on the first night, so I let her go....
To set up the second moment... she had told me once in a discussion/argument we had, that she wanted a guy who liked to play fight... she used the word wrestle, but I knew what she meant, because I had already been with a girl who would do that as its a natural way for a shy girl to initiate sex without trying to be sexy are asking for it verbally, its physical contact...
so yeah, I began playing around with her more and one day at my apt. I ended up between her legs, which I knew what I was doing... and she had her eyes clothes like she was waiting for me... but I was frozen... I knew what to do... but I cared for this girl and didn't want to rush it... I fucked up again..
another time was similar to the wrestling, I had her on her back, legs in the air, and she just looked at me in the eyes... I think about that I kill myself mentally... complete regret...
She was in my kitchen cleaning our dishes after we had just ate, I came in to help put the food up, and walked up behind her, kissing her neck, no resistance, but I didn't... I didn't... an idiot in love I was...
This happened so much... until... one night she came and told me she thought she was pregnant, and I lost it,
this was a turning point in my life... my life derailed, I'd lost atleast 4 years due to depression... no job, dependant on mom... I was destroyed... don't really want to mention her race, b/c ppl get distracted and focus only on that, but she was white, of german heritage... which being young and naive didn't matter to me, she looked like any other dirty blonde girl in America
I run these moment through my head every time I watch a scene with the girls that look like her... an example would be kitty marie(she would playfully do the same voice kitty does during scenes)
Then I meet this young latina(my angel, I called her, she got me a job at this little dollar store she worked at, after meeting her when buying batteries... Id often carry my acoustic to the store because I always practices scales and songs while walking or on campus... and although I never liked girls jumping at me b/c I played guitar, I took to her, and we became friends.... which is what people do at work most of the time... its an easy place to fall for someone because you spend most of your life with them..
So... yeah... skipping the months we had spent getting to know each other, hanging out at an empty store, meeting other randoms who would come to work and leave, we became close... the moment I'll never forget is when she tied my shoe... I mean she fuckin tied my shoe... I fell in love when she did that... it was just us two in the store at night stocking shit.. she was being lazy sitting on the floor in facing things, and my converse came untied and she offered to tie it... it felt like for every... I'll never forget that moment, then she looked up at me and smiled and went back to work... girls can destroy you... by doing little shit like that... but to continue...
So... I got fired... then she got fired... then the manager quit, and the owner sold the store... I still live near the store, and it sucks seeing that place... but yeah, after we couldn't see each other regularly she came over my apt twice, she used to give me rides home as I lived close and would walk to work.. but never came over to my place... but..
heh... right before she got fired... she wanted me to fix her laptop... I mean, my ego tells me this was a way for her to see me, I did fix it though, ... but I also invited her over to chill and do some music shit when she came to pick it up,
I made music and she wanted to sing... she didn't really, as it turns out, it was just a childhood dream... anyway... she song one selena song to test out my new equipment... and then we watched the selena movie and some music videos... we just hung out... talking about music like we always did... until it got late and my time was up and she went home, she was only 19 at the time...
Three moments for the first night that haunt me... when she first walked into my apartment, and I gave her a hug, she was kind of a tomboy so I was playing around with her... she kept saying my name... which was failure number one...
Then...before she song the song, she stood in front me while I was sitting in the chair at my computer desk, not close, but she had these tights on, and her body... I was definitely looking... and she was looking back as she caught me... I just let it go... b/c were doing shit... sigh..
That night the last moment was we were both laying on my bed watching the selena movie, and I had to piss, so I had a small college student apartment, and in order to get off the bed w/o walking in front of the tv in my one bedroom, I had to crawl over her, or I did... and she looked me.... those eyes... another moment lost... I fucked up again... love and respect got in the way...
The second time she came over, she meant business... of course I fucked it up by not trying at all... so... sigh... she texts me while she was on campus that she wanted to come over again... "I want to come chill with you, can I come over?" the text reads on my old phone which I'll never throw out... I remember this moment... I began to clean up my apartment, I took a shower, set everything up... it took forever for her to get to my place... we texted a few times... and in one of the text, I said something about her being a grown, she replied "I'm not a woman yet" I mean, girls always fuckin joke around... I mean, that text... I'd show ss's if asked, I still have all these texts in my old phone....
this time we decided to play guitar and w/e so I told her to bring her guitar
anyway, she finally gets here, I'm waiting in front of my apartment as she approaches, this cute latina chick, big eyes, 19... oh and I forgot to mention... at the time a virgin... shes walking towards me with her guitar and backpack on smiling... I'm looking at her the entire time, I remember my neighbor speaking to me, and me responding to him late... as all kinds shit was going through my head while she walked towards me holding her guitar...
she gets to me, hugs and shit, we go in... I check out her acoustic... which was new and barely played... played something on it, taught her some shit, and we played together... during one point, she stopped while we were playing, she was doing rythm with chords while I would practice improvisation over her, a good way to practice... and she stared me... I didn't really didn't understand the look though, she kinda frowned... then smiled and started playing again... I still don't get that moment to this day...
after that, we watched music videos and talked... and she was kinda opening up about her relationship with this girl... she at the time was kinda dating this girl, who I knew as she stopped by the shop, and who she didn't' want to know she was at my place(man, if I didn't fall in love, I could've very well have been fucking both of them easily, I fucked up, I fucked up....) the thing with this girl was she was the daughter of a catholic preacher, and of course if you know catholic Hispanics they're pretty strict parents in terms of sexuality.. and they had problems with the parents... to cut this part short, to me, this was all just another moment I passed up... this girl in conflict... with two people she liked... yet she was at my apartment... see I actually cared about her so I talked... if she were any other girl, I would have taken advantage of that conversation...
but my stupidity that night didn't end there, because the night wasn't over... now I tried... I did... so I get on my bed were we were in my small apartment... and I lay on my back while we talk... she's sitting on the edge... I mean... never have I had a girl on my bed that I didn't fuck... I even had her in the hand trick... we were comparing hand size, b/c she had these tiny hands..... sigh... another moment lost... if you don't know the hand trick its to get the girl to touch or grab your hand and you either put it on your cock or act like it was an accident and she gets a handful of it... and shit can happen from that... as you should already be something of interest to her if shes at your apartment... look at me giving advice I didn't follow...
at one point in the conversation as she was explaining to me how she met her first boyfriend(who I had met as he came to the store twice to talk to her, I know he still wanted to fuck, she told me, but he cheated on her as she didn't want have sex with him at the time and she left him)... and her saying she likes guys to be forward, I remember replying "the more forward and aggressive a guy is, the less he cares for you" which is true, but how ironic, here I am with this girl in my apartment, not being aggressive at all because I cared for her... often girls can explain so much w/o them or you understanding how to use that information... I wasn't being aggressive... I was literally just chilling on my bed with this cute ass 19 year old latina virgin....
there were many points in the conversation in which I could've made a move, but I just wanted to chat that night... for some fucking moronic reason... oh wait.... I lost my virginity to a girl that had been a close friend.... I wold go to her house after school and play video games... and one after noon she jumped my bones and I fucked the shit out of her... then thought, well, friendship is obviously the best way to get laid... and it was, it did work for me... I met many girls who I befriended... didn't love, and was aggressive... and enjoyed them... but this time, my logic had back fired on me.....
So... after talking for about 45mins.... I know I know... I fucked up... she was ready to go... I failed... that was the last time I saw her... we texted the same weekend, I was ready to go for it... I was like fuck it... I had just got a new apartment, a new queen size bed and was going to destroy... I invited her over, she was like yeah I'll come for, even asked me to help her with her homework as I used to help her study at work for tests..... pfft, I've been with three girls who have asked the same(although, being a nerd I actually helped them and fucked them) but for some reason, my last text I never got a response... and I haven't spoken with her in 3 years... I still see her on my facebook friends list to the right, but I'm not sure how that works, if she removed me or not, which I'd assume she did, would I still see her, idk... but yeah, I lost it again... went back into depression...
met an older porti rican chick after, but I was too bumbed out to be a good friend to her.. and when I did try the, "only way to get over is to get another" method... she was done with me... she kinda moved on mentally... and I faded into sorrow, sorrow guys don't get to have, we're supposed to move on and not care... but most the of the time, any guy I knew that lost a girl atleast fucked her, its always easier to move if you've atleast had sex..
I mean... the thoughts that ran, and still do run through my head are just like any other imagining another guy fuckin his girl... I'm destroyed mentally by these two girls... I can still chat with a girl, but until recently, I was just not great in a conversation with a girl... I'm still recovering, I even managed to look at her facebook page... all those years, I didn't want to see her hugged up with another guy... my friends always tell me, dude she's probably fucking another guy right now, legs in air getting fucked hard, to make me thing of her as any other... and yeah... she probably has lost her virginity and had lots of sex, even a threesome with her friend... I think all the worse to try and get her out of my head... but she tied my fuckin shoe... she tied my fuckin shoe... she tied my fuckin converse....
I recently thought about sending her a msg, but its too late... if my music takes off(which I just got back into), or after my business grows, I'd def. call her up with the mindset of fucking her to clear my mind.... but I'd have to be on some boss shit with money in my pocket, right now I'm still just a poor college student... I was sick, and have been in the hospital a lot lately... I'm doing better... exercising again... even saying hi to girls, although my entire outlook on relationships has changed, its get money now and play later... I pass up beautiful girls who smile at me and even conversate... I'm just throwing all of my energy into music and business...
I do want to start a porn site, that's an option in my life, but as I want to be the starting talent, I want to be in better shape, so I'm working on that,which I think is the safest way to have sex w/o being accused of rape in weinsteins america, or having to deal with a lot of bullshit... every young guy who knows how to earn money or talk to girls should start a site, a great way to earn more money, have sex, and be free, or support the industries growth
I read stories about guys who can't get girls, that's not what I want to know about, I have to know if there are guys have done everything, but just didn't seal the deal for some stupid reason, I mean, I was just being me, I didn't try to get these girls in situations to have sex, I actually really liked them, but I didn't want them think all I wanted was sex, and that our friendship didn't mean anything... gosh, I was a simp twice in my life... sigh... I mean, I once met a girl at gamestop, invited her to my house to play games and we fucked for a month straight... I've had the good moments... its just that I fucked up...
But yeah, I feel like I'm the only guy in the world who lost opportunities that has screwed them up in the head, I'm haunted by these moments... lol girls aren't the only ones who can regret a moment, its the opposite for me, as I wish I would have been more aggressive, but I was younger, and still had more to learn, although I thought because I was successful earlier on in life, I'd never have a problem... but I did...twice...