I posted this over at dvdtalk, but I want some adult point of views. I'm sure I'll get a lot of the same responses, but what the hell.
She was the first person I ever loved. We're still talking, but it's just not the same. I feel pretty bad. I haven't really wanted to sleep...didn't really eat much today... I'm trying the best I can to think about ANYTHING other than her and do SOMETHING to keep my mind occupied. Today is better than the past day or so, I guess it's been better, but I'm still pretty sad. Everyone's told me to stop talking to her, but I personally don't think that's best for me. If I don't talk to her, I'd be even worse. She broke up with me. It was a long distance relationship, and she needed/wanted someone close. It lasted 3 months.
Even find someone else you are sure you won't care for nearly as much. Maybe you won't (and maybe you will), but the mere fact of finding someone else you become intimate with will ENORMOUSLY change your perspective.
Talking to her may help you in the interim, if she's being nice, as it sounds she is. But it won't do it for you.
If you're on that good terms, ask her to help you find someone else. Guilt trip her into it. She might want to have you where she has you, but if so, call her on that.
This last may well not be the best solution, but you know, be working all the possibilities.
Was the relationship very sexual in nature? If it was you need to go out and get laid. The healing power of sex with someone else can be amazing. Some people would refer to this phenomena as the "rebound" relationship. Get it over with and out of the way so you can move on to a more meaningful relationship where you won't constantly be comparing your partner to the one you love(d).
It's best to seek out someone who is also on the rebound and is conscious of that fact. I'm not advocating that you intentionally use someone just to get her off your mind. I'm suggesting that you find someone that's interested in using you while helping you get her off your mind. (If that makes any sense at all.)
BTW, welcome to ADT. Nice to see you here. I wish it could be under better circumstances.
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Posted - Oct 31 2001 : 8:49AM
hey pilot,
exercise - it produces endorphins, to quote dictionary.com "Endorphins reduce the sensation of pain and affect emotions." exercising is really important to combatting any kind of depression.
do things for yourself - what do you never have time to do?
write - writing is great for venting and moving on
eat healthy food - your diet affects your hormones, emotions, etc.
you will find someone else. it's great that you realize how lucky you were to have found love at all. that realization will help you find it again. while i can see how casual sex helps forget, it's not for everyone.
the good news is, the first love hurts the most (it only gets easier :)
Although, I have agreed mostly to what Dex has said in previous threads. This I am totally against. Suffer through your feelings. Yes, it sucks. You will however, get through the pain and you will grow from your experience. I feel that is what's needed when going through the end of the relationship. Yes, I immediately started going out with girls when my wife left me. I did however, make a commitment to myself for not getting sexually or emotionally involved with another until I had resolved feelings within myself. It's helps you be more secure in yourself, and your confidence level grows when your happy with who you are as a person. Getting a "fix" will only keep you from focusing on the problem at hand, and you need to resolve those issues before getting in bed with another. Stuffing down feelings, doesn't let you get comfortable with yourself.
If you're not comfortable with who you are how do you expect someone else to be?
"I rather my women shake than rattle" -DigitalDave
One other thing, if she broke up with you and she's still calling, it's time for her to move on.
I would tell her nicely that I need to move on, and in doing so I can't talk to you for awhile. I really hope we can be friends, but please give me some space for now.
Yeah, I sorta agree with this too, although I know you were trying to disagree with me. <gg> It's hard to give simple answers. It depends on where the guy is at.
As Drew said as well, I think sex with someone else helps. A lot. Especially when you were the one who was left. Especially early on in someone's love life, it helps to demystify some of the still lingering attraction, or more accurately as he has described it, deeply aching lovesickness.. Some of it after all was based upon the wonders of sex and emotional intimacy, rather than things truly unique to that girl. Well just sex and any degree of emotional intimacy at all which good sex usually brings to at least some degree will make what he felt before no longer feel so incredibly, terrifyingly unique -- and gone. Unique yes, but not the only good thing going.
I think a limited relationship with someone else helps as well, if it's possible. Even a just friends (without sex) relationship with another woman can help, a lot actually. This isn't so hard to find, often. You really might want to look into that for a bit pilot. Also when you're just friends with women, they will sometimes set you up with someone they know. Particularly good for a guy who so far isn't so good a finding gf's I think.
On the other hand, jumping into another full and deep love or obsessive relationship feet first probably isn't usually the best thing to do. There can be real strong urges for some people to settle and attach to the next warm female body that lets you have sex with her and shows some emotional interest. That or looking for exactly the same sort of person as the first one, when maybe that isn't what will really work best.
So yeah, for the full bore love thing again, take your time.
Take this from someone going through the same thing right now. AVOID HER! AT ALL COSTS! If you still care about her fine, but she most likely doesn’t care about you the way she did before.
Seeing her and talking to her will just make it worse on you. DON'T TORTURE YOURSELF! If you still want to be friends great. I highly recommend not to burn bridges. Let her know that you still care about her and you'll be there for her if she needs it. Then just let it and her go.
Usher said it best on his latest CD "life’s a prison when you’re in love alone”
You don’t want to trap your self. You’ll never be happy again if you do.
Everyone tells me to avoid her :P I wish it were that easy. Since all of this, I've had a real difficult time sleeping, because whenever we'd talk on the phone and such, I'd *ALWAYS* lay in bed. So she asked me if I wanted to call her last night, which I did. I told her just for a few minutes, but it ended up being an hour. During the course of the conversation she sounded real tired, and I asked her twice if she wanted to go to sleep, she wanted to talk more. I'm unsure if she wanted to talk to me, or if she just did it, because she knew I was sad. I doubt she's having as a difficult time as I am. She still does care. She says talking to her is no problem, but I'm just unsure about how to really handle some things. I bought her a necklace (before she broke it off), and she got it, like .. two days after she broke it off. She offered to pay me back and stuff if I wanted, but I told her to keep it. It's not like she wants to forget, but I don't know. She's wearing the necklace, but I just don't know...
I really hate to say it but time is probably the best way to get over a girl you truely love. That's tough because it can take awhile. I was head over heels for a girl in high school and after it didn't work out and we graduated it took me like, 2-3 years to really start to get over her. I'd think about her at least once a day, then once every few days then once a week, then once every couple of weeks....on down the line. I'd always thought the old Chicago song "Hard Habit to Break" was a little corny but after some retrospection it was obviously written by someone who had really been in love with someone. Being in love is a habit and almost an addiction that can be tough to get over.
Though I admit that I am not the best person to answer this, here is my input. I kinda turn to Music Therapy.
Recommended songs:
Girl, Don't Go Away Mad (just go away)--Motley Crue Boot Hill--SRV Red House--Jimi Hendrix
Still Campaigning for Inari Vachs I want a lover, who's gonna be another copy of Racquel Welch, I'm gonna buy her a house and a maid named Jill, spend the rest of our lives in Beverly Hills, I'll never have to feed her and she'll stay pretty all the time Endorphin's ADT Lair FREE THE WEED
I also recommend music therapy, but I go a different way than Endorphin - the entire album Black Rose by J.D. Souther - it's all good broken hearted get over it stuff.
I have other stuff to say, too. A long distance relationship can be emotionally intense, it almost has to be because there isn't anything else to hang it on. That's the catch - there isn't anything else. When a woman (or sometimes a man, but less often) hangs on after a relationship is over it is frequently a case of "not burning your bridges behind you". She might want to move on and find a relationship, but if it doesn't work out for her, well there you are, waiting to pick her back up. She never has to let go of that emotional support. You shouldn't be her backup, she's making you her second best option. Don't waste your time, you're worth more than that to someone else who wants you to be their BEST option.
As for getting over it, do something else! It doesn't have to be another relationship, but sitting around mooning about how miserable you are because it's over now won't get it off your mind, you'll only reinforce your concept of how miserable you are. Join a gym, visit your cousin in Texas, get a new job, read War and Peace, paint your car red, white, and blue - with tempera paints - with your fingers, it doesn't matter what you do, just DO something.
