In contemplating the patterns of my life, I've decided to identify as bigendered.

Bigender people think of themselves as male and female. If you're new to this concept, a good place to start is the paper "Gender Identification and Sexual Perception Among Genetic Females with Gender-Blended Self-Perception in Childhood and Adolescence." (Whew! Long title, but not hard to read.) The authors, one of whom is a medical doctor, propose a spectrum of gender types similar to the Kinsey scale. Although my childhood was different, my self-perception is similar to Participant C.

Basically, I can conceptualize myself easily as either woman or man. During nighttime dreams and daytime fantasies, I may freely picture myself as either gender. (For a brief example, you can jump to this thread.) Sometimes I shapeshift between the two. I don't necessarily take active control of the process; more typically, I just relax my mind and show up in one form or another.

Bigenderedness can result in interesting episodes of mental glitchiness during my daily activities. If I'm in my masculine mind, I sometimes dissociate for a second or two if I catch my reflection in the mirror. The external image doesn't align with my internal sense of who I am at the moment. Forms with boxes marked "male" or "female" are briefly disorienting, strangely humorous, or downright irritating, depending on mood. I usually do better with public restrooms--maybe because the easily remembered symbols don't trigger the more analytical, masculine part of my mind.

When I chose my reviewer name and submitted my first review to AdultDVDTalk, I was all fired up about bringing a woman's perspective to this endeavor. I could see the female critics were outnumbered, and I believed my opinions and feedback could possibly help make porn more accessible and friendlier to other female viewers. That was probably overambitious and definitely overcompensating.

I've often felt like a failure as a female. At times, I've angrily accused myself of being "only half a woman" (a more telling remark than I initially realized). My mother's been dead for 14 years and I have no daughters (or any children), so I sometimes feel the thread of femininity through my life has been cut at both ends. When I was a child, it wasn't especially clear to me that I'd grow up to be one form or the other, male or female. Sometimes I played with "boy" things and sometimes with "girl" things. As I matured, I went through phases (especially at age ten) where I desperately wished to be reborn a boy. I also went through phases where I was happy to be a girl. And I went through phases where I gave it very little thought, but there was nonetheless a lingering sense of "differentness."

I believe I've adapted well as an adult, cultivating a loving, long-term relationship with a remarkable and patient man who appreciates me as a whole person. I don't think my self-perception in any way indicates a pathology in my neurology. After mulling all this over, I'm feeling a new sense of peace toward the "half-womaness" that is so much a part of who I uniquely am.

There have been times when I've felt incredibly alone, however, which is why I'm now sharing this in a public forum. My heart is on display (see avatar) in case anyone else out there also feels different and alone. Regardless of your gender, I wish you good health and high spirits.

Here are at least a couple others (the sites, unfortunately, aren't terribly current):
Chris, a bigendered, genetic female
Norrie, a bigendered, genetic male

P.S. In case you're wondering, it's still perfectly okay to call me a "she," although I've been amused and greatly cheered by a few friends who've taken to privately calling me "he." Thanks, guys 'n' gals.

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