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| Bobcat Senior Member  1490 Posts 2/08 |  Posted - Jul 18 2009 : 6:24AMWhen I was in my 20's I found that my dick got hardest when being intimate with girls, I'd get so hard that it was painful at times. Now in my 30's, I've found that I get harder on my own watching porn and I never lose my erection. Strangely, with girls, I've started to go off the boil at times and even go limp  , it's not a permanent thing and a bit of self manual stimulation does the trick and gets me hard again.It's not a big deal for me, but I feel a little awkward with my partner, I wonder if at the back of her mind she thinks that she's not a big enough turn on for me, yes I do reasure her.What I don't understand is why being with a real female, who I desire and lust after more than anything else, doesn't get me as hard as watching porn? Does anyone else have this problem too? [Link] |
| TedtheBellhop Member 767 Posts 6/09 | Posted - Jul 20 2009 : 4:38PM [Link] |
| Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01 | Posted - Jul 20 2009 : 5:40PM I used to have a hell of a time becoming aroused and having an orgasm with a partner. It really didn't matter what he/she did physically or how I felt about them emotionally. It wasn't about whether I was physically attracted or not. I could want them with all my might and still... zip, nada, nothing. I could have an orgasm easily (like, in less than a minute) when I was ALONE masturbating, but I couldn't even masturbate to orgasm with a partner present. For me, it was all about what I needed to do in my head in order to get my body where I wanted to go. A partner was too much of a distraction, no matter how pleasant that distraction was, it detracted from my arousal. I had to learn to get out of my head and in touch (literally) with my body. I had to force myself not to have fantasies while I masturbated and to truly pay attention to what my partner did to my body without trying to 'help it along' with a mental image or fantasy. It wasn't fun, and it was frustrating, and I had cramps in my forearms and a raw clit from masturbating and getting nowhere. There were a lot of nights I just gave up and tossed around the bed for the rest of the night and was a total bitch to people the next day. By the time I finally got over the mental problem, I was physically acclimated to one particular vibrator and had to break myself off that. Which was also no fun! It was worth it. [Link] |
| Bobcat Senior Member 1490 Posts 2/08 | Posted - Jul 21 2009 : 5:27PM I think Kimi is closer to the truth, when she says a parnter is distracting. I'm perhaps concentrating too much on how beautiful I find the female body and not enough on trying to get off, resulting in a lose of erection? [Link] |
| Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01 | Posted - Jul 21 2009 : 6:54PM For example, I really enjoy having my breasts touched. Its highly arousing for me. Back then, if my partner touched my breasts, all that would happen is that I would immediately start thinking about how ugly they were and how much I must be turning my partner off and they were only touching my breasts because they thought they had to for foreplay and I wished they wouldn't and ... on and on... and any possibility of arousal or enjoyment of the activities at hand was gone. It wasn't just my breasts, either. It was pretty much everything. I'm too loose, I'm too dry, I'm sweating, I'm not working hard enough, I'm too quiet, I'm too loud, that sounded too fake... Seriously, I was so wrapped up in what I thought of myself having sex there was no way for me to enjoy the sex I was having. I first got into BDSM because the idea of being a submissive and someone just telling or making me do whatever they wanted so that I could stop worrying about it was irresistible. If I could be perfectly obedient and they weren't satisfied, it was no longer my responsibility. [Link] |
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Hardware  All-Star Member Your other left 14594 Posts 3/02 | Posted - Jul 21 2009 : 7:51PM [Link] |
| mharris127 Senior Member 1844 Posts 8/09 | Posted - Sep 1 2009 : 5:18PM For the OP, relax and let it flow. You will then get your erection and it will be fine, you will satisfy your woman. You also don't sound like you have any form of ED, but if you ever get it there are medications like Viagra to help. [Link] |
| jeuronymous Member 50 Posts 9/09 | Posted - Sep 22 2009 : 1:18PM When I finally realized I had a real problem (at age 30) I began trying to deal with my confidence. I was able to cum through oral every time and began to love that. I would get to the point where I was almost ready to cum, then start having sex (without condom) with my girlfriend. With a little practice I was able to cum a few times during intercourse, though most of the time my erection was partial. I had a traumatic sexual encounter (psychologically) that really took the wind out of my sails while I was in route to a complete recovery and on the verge of having "normal" intercourse. I am creating a blog about all of this and will post a link later on. Basically following this experience I got back into masturbating compulsively and without much discretion at home. I went through that a couple years of that until last fall, when I stopped watching anything that would cause me to masturbate. It has been nearly a year since I have masturbated. I've been with three girls since then. I have had opportunities for two or three others, but like Kimi said, if I'm not attracted I just can't get excited about it. Two of the three girls I was with, I tried to have sex with and didn't last very long. One of them had already drained me orally, and I just can't recover quickly enough to get hard again. She was with me for 3 or 4 days and we had oral twice. The second girl I had sex with, it felt pretty good inside her for a minute or so, then I went soft. She ended up blowing me and it was not a very good feeling orgasm. The third girl I've had oral sex with a couple of times and we really feel comfortable with one another and trust one another, but I can't seem to bring myself to put a condom on and have sex because the sensation is just not there and I don't want another failure. I think we are going to work on this together, as she has her own intimacy issues. If anyone is interested in following this story, I will provide the link soon. Kimi I am glad I saw your post. It is one thing to recover from an addiction, but I have another huge step to go through. For people that want to dismiss this and say "don't worry about it, just relax and have fun", etc. well, obviously that is true, but getting to that point where you can just relax and have fun is very difficult for some people. It is alot like stage fright. It's performance anxiety. Some very great actors and singers never get over their stagefright, while others are totally comfortable being on stage. Wish me luck in being able to finally enjoy what most people can. I can use the support. Edited by - jeuronymous on 9/22/2009 1:20:46 PM [Link] |
| BYOB_Kenobi Senior Member “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Kierkegaard 2684 Posts 8/09 | Posted - Sep 23 2009 : 1:01AM You might wanna do an internet search for material on this subject, as it should be prevalent. Good luck man. BTW, don't forget that males undergo hormone changes during mid-life too. So although the cause is probably psychological in nature, there's a real biological component you might wanna rule out, if you continue to have problems. [Link] |
| RandomPrecision Senior Member Enjoy! 8175 Posts 3/06 | Posted - Sep 23 2009 : 7:12AM You may think of it as your physical body simply getting older and not working as well as it used to and I'm sure that contributes to it but your mind ages too. Things that were once fresh and exciting are now routine. Older people tend to see reality more than younger people. Young men will often see porn girls as perfect where older men have had enough time to develop specific preferences. Ever notice that when you you discover a new fetish or something, it's like your dick got a new lease on life for a while? Edit - Also, WRT getting harder with porn than with real women, it's to be expected. Your hand isn't judging you (going back to psychology). You're not thinking your hand is going to be disappointed or amused if you can't perform or if you don't live up to some kind of expectations. Masturbation allows you to completely let go. You can do that with a partner too but it's not easy. At any rate, when you get used to being completely relaxed with porn, it can be a bit jarring to suddenly have a breathing, thinking sex partner and be concerned about what's going on in their head as well. I guess what I'm saying is you get used to jacking off and it's hard to change even if the change is supposed to be good. Edited by - randomprecision on 9/23/2009 8:05:54 AM [Link] |
| ppchaser Member 30 Posts 9/09 | Posted - Sep 23 2009 : 11:41AM i think it's the age. there's a big difference between 20s and 30s in men. men peak sexually in their 20s. that can explain why erections were harder then and why it's easier to come. besides, at 30+, you'd have probably drank your share of alcohol, smoked some, and taken meds, which can affect your arousal and orgasm. i really don't think masturbation is the villain here. men need to jack off regularly, especially if they're not having regular sex. otherwise, there are health repercussions. [Link] |
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