"Maybe its been a topic before... But what about Fetishes not shared by your partner? Do you hide them? Get off on them by yourself? Try to get your partner into them? Find an escort to do it with? How does one handle it?"
Shakespeare had it all wrong: "To act out or not to act out, THAT is the question."
My own "answer": My wife knows about all of my fetishes. Most of them rotate around dominance/submission and BDSM stuff (I like it "lite", flexible, and reciprocal) with trashy lingerie preferred (although I'm not interested in reciprocity of attire in terms of "feminization"). Given my wife's fairly narrow sexual comfort zone, oral sex (me going down on her) and anal sex (both me doing her and her doing me) constitute "fetishes" of mine, too, I suppose. Trying (and not too hard, truthfully) to have her experiment with me early on in our relationship -- we're talking 14-15 years ago -- was a complete disaster and one I'm not likely to repeat.
I love my wife, I have no desire (and never have had it) to spend my life with anyone else, or to pull our family (of two beloved young children and one beloved old dog) apart. However, my wife is not "up for" opening up our marriage so that I can act out any of my many sexual fantasies (that she doesn't want to participate in) with other women. By the way, none of my fantasies involve multiple partners -- I like to watch that stuff in videos, but I'm not interested in sharing my wife sexually, or being shared by her.
I'm coming to believe that any good, well-lived life ends up being about priorities, but also that priorities often end up being about frustration!
If someone could give me a clue regarding what the fuck to do about THIS problem, it would save me a fortune with my therapist (and probably reduce my monthly porn bill significantly, too).
I have fetishes that the my partner doesn't share and I know that he has fetishes that I do not share. Probably why I suggested the topic. I worry at times that this makes him feel unsatisfied, or just perhaps lonely in not being able to share them with me. He knows that I love him and care for him deeply, and he tells me it's okay I don't share them. But you always want to make your loved one as ahppy as possible and it's hard when you feel you can't do all that you can.
I guess the best thing to do is enjoy that which we both enjoy, to let him have his fantasies, and for me to have mine. It's when your fetishes/fantasies become obsession that the problem begins.
I've pondered this question over and over again for years, and my answer is pretty much the same. And Bob, I have no helpful insights on a solution to your dilemma. I will say that if you can communicate your desires to each without being judgmental, then you are off to a good start. It really depends on the nature of your particular fantasy or fetish and your partner's attitude that will determine how you handle it. Amarie, if there is something specific you would like to discuss, there are many people here willing to discuss things openly. Your concern about not being able to please your partner is valid, but are you able to discuss the specifics with your partner?
In our relationship I am the adventurous one. My wife is content to let her fantasies remain fantasies. I have no problem with making all of our fantasies real. So it takes compromise. But we are able to discuss everything, usually without being judgmental. That makes for a solid relationship. There have certainly been issues for me that became obsession. Fortunately I've been able to find alternative avenues of outlet that do not compromise our relationship.
Speaking of obsession, I'm getting concerned about the pull this forum is having on the rest of my life. This forum is one of those alternative avenues of outlet.
And a word on therapists, while I'm thinking about it. Sitting in a chair and spilling your guts to a therapist never solved anyone's problem, unless your problem was having no one to talk to. Heeding a therapist's good advice about what you can do for yourself is what will solve your problem. The good advice part is the hardest to get.
RobHammer wrote:Is this your (bad) experience talking, Rob, or your street-smart stoicism?
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Well, that has been a problem for me regarding certain intimate, core issues in my life, especially when there's been no one who's been interested in listening long enough (most non-professional listeners DO have their own busy lives to lead), who's been smart and subtle enough, intuitive and insightful enough, and detached yet determined enough to be of any use. Am I supposed to feel bad about that?
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Two thoughts occur on this one: First, being a savvy and careful shopper is just as important when it comes to therapy as it is when it comes to precious stones, produce, porn, or anything else worth buying in life that's relatively plentiful in quantity but relatively rare in quality. Second, I've found that most of the benefits of therapy to me have inhered not so much in a therapist's ability to "give good advice" or to "solve problems", as in a talented therapist's ability to facilitate and guide my own self-excavation -- leading to greater self-understanding, self-criticism, and self-acceptance, all in good measure.
So, there I go spouting off again, despite all of my therapist's staunch admonitions to the contrary . . .
When you can't share your fetish or fantaisies, isn't that one of the point where porn is the ideal outlet ? I'm from the school that believes sexual frustration is not reason enough to cheat on your partner/spouse. Of course I'm not talking the basics here, but if, say, your wife could not in the world indulge in golden showers, this is no cause for endless (& pointless) discussions or treachery. A big part of a relationship is compromises. That's where masturbation & pornography come in, no ? Of course, if your partner objects to these too, maybe that's where problems begin.
You and I are from the same alma mater and you've really hit the nail on the head for me. Occasionally, I suppress a desire to take a "correspondence course" toward earning "an advanced degree". But I don't have to work hard to suppress (or to elect not to act on) that desire, because I basically and fundamentally believe in the teachings of our school.
