Recently myself and others here at ADT have expressed less than positive sentiments regarding the state of adult features especially the rampant spread of so called parodies. Fear not, for in this post I come to make amends, break bread, and offer a gift to those industry insiders, outsiders, and everyone else caught in between some sticky crevasse. My gift comes as a way of saying thanks to those brave filmmakers and performers who in the past and even today have endured legal harassment and community standard violations to provide us armchair pornographers with the good, bad, and indifferent adult entertanment that we demand. Here it is: a conceptual pitch for a sure fire parody hit with no reimbursement required.
Hardcore Wars
Those of you old enough to remember watching Showtime circa 1981/1982 while waiting for the next airing of Smokey & The Bandit 2, For Your Eyes Only, Urban Cowboy, Time Bandits, or The Empire Strikes Back will fondly recall a very short (and very funny) parody of Star Wars called Hardware Wars. Some snippets to jar your memory:
usage of actual cinnamon buns as a hairpiece
"Relax kid, it's only a movie"
"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss three bucks goodbye"
a battery powered dune buggy
some very menacing home cooking appliances capable of intergalactic travel
a cantina scene more other worldly than Lucas could ever conceive of
The planet Basketball
"In other words, you pull the plug"
"This is your father's flashlight" "Gee, wow, golly"
An alien life form bearing an uncanny resemblance to Cookie Monster that tries to grab a bite out of said hairpiece above
Not to be confused with Space Nuts which was a parody of Space Balls, you will be doing a XXX parody of a proven low budget parody with unlimited potential so there is little chance to screw it up.
usage of used condoms as a hairpiece
"Relax kid, it's only a porno"
"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss three tits goodbye"
a battery powered blow up doll
some very menacing marital aids capable of intergalactic travel
an orgy scene more gaudy than Guccione could ever conceive of
Evan Stone's balls
"In other words, you insert the (butt) plug"
"This is your father's phallus" "Gee, wow, golly" [substitue Fleshlight for phallus if incest bothers you]
An alien life form bearing an uncanny resemblance to Bridget The Midget that tries to grab a slurp out of said hairpiece above
Since the original was only 13 minutes or so in length, the porn parody must stay true and not exceed 15. For John Lyons, myself, and others, this translates into sex scenes being very short and sweet, meaning we won't have to sit through another 25 minute fuck fest featuring Dana DeArmond that completely takes us out of the picture. (Sorry to be picking on Dana as of late, after all she is a current favorite of mine, but I hope she has the charisma to endure some good natured ribbing from a fanboi in between some big cock boning from a freak of nature boy.)
If the studio heads are clueless as to what to do with a 15 minute XXX short, it's obvious that they never were dedicated fans of the original in as much that they actually sought out a home video copy of it that wasn't a fourth generation VHS dub from a friend of friend's older brother's friend. Had they done so in the era before the advent of DVD, their quest, like for some of us, would have eventually wound up with a worn out ex-rental tape that came in clamshell called Hardware Wars And Other Film Farces. On it were other shorts called Bambi Meets Godzilla, Closet Cases Of The Nerd Kind, and Porklips Now. So in order to fill out a full length DVD, I offer you again the following porn parody titles to complete the package:
Dana Meets Dongzilla - Keeping true to the original's 90 second running time, this story features the lovely Ms. DeArmond walking about the forest completely nude and aloof only to be suddenly super saturated with the semen from a 30 foot phallus. Talk about your monster cum shot. Eat your heart out Rodney Moore!
Real Close Encounters Of The Nerd Kind - Nerdy alt girls appear from outerspace to give unsuspecting nerdy virgins the space ride of their lives. Once again Dana graces the screen, this time bespectacled in her trendy eyewear helping out an earthling travel in and out of wormholes and learning to create his own Milky Way via a fresh facial.
Porno Lips Now - A reporter for a sex blog (James Deen) is sent deep into the ghetto to locate the porn star rumored to have the ultimate blow job lips. Clips of her lips only have been surfacing on Youtube fellating a pink dildo making him and every other male (and female) cream in their jeans. Unbeknownst to him, what lies waiting for him in the bowels of a bombed out crack house, is one big, bad mamoo, Panterra, centerpiece of Blane Bryant's BBBW 27.
So there you have it folks. One, legit, sure thing, money in the bag, XXX parody we can all agree with. And most importantly rent and/or purchase. In closing, to paraphrase Alec Baldwin's character, Blake, in Glengarry Glen Ross: Fuck You, that's my name. You know why mister? Cause you drove a Hyundai to the studio, I drove an 80,000 dollar BMW. That's my name. This watch costs more than your car. I made 970,000 dollars last year, how much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Run of the mill pornographic hack. Fuck you, go home and play with your wang. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cock suckers. You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a shoot. If you don't like it, quit. I can go out there tonight, with the resources you got and make a film that moves 100,000 units. Tonight. In ten hours. Can you? Go and do likewise. Get mad you son of a bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to make good porno? It takes brass balls to make good porno. Go and do likewise, gents. The money's out there, you film it, it's yours, you don't, I got no sympathy for you. If not, you're going to be shining my shoes. And you know what you'll be saying? Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar: ''Oh yeah, I used to be a porno king. It's a tough racket.''