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All Forums > Sex Talk > Sex Talk Forum Page 35 > looking for advice on friendship/relationship
AuthorPost
Xenomorgue
Deactivated User

50 Posts
9/06
Posted - Nov 3 2006 : 1:23PM
I am an older guy (48), always been single, who only recently has started to date women. About a year ago I was on a blind date, which turned out te be surprisingly pleasant and continued for about three hours. Since then she and I have quite nice contact. We have gone to a couple of fine restaurants for dinner (yes, I pay the bill). Sometimes we drink a glas of wine at her place. We also phone, email and MSN each other regularly. You could say that a friendship has developed.

On the other hand we both realize that there is not much to base our friendship on. We have very different life-styles, characters, interests etc. There is no physical attraction between us (maybe if we had met 15-20 years ago?). I don't think that there is a real chance that what we now have, will develop into courtship or a sexual relationship.

Perhaps I should be happy with the status quo. However I am a bit frustrated that there isn't any development or progress. For me the novelty factor, i.e. talking to a charming woman and taking her out for dinner, is already wearing off. Sure it is kind of nice but not earth-shattering. Our MSN/email contact is okay but it is just the kind of small talk that I can easily do without. In fact I tend to prefer the contacts with my best friends, guys who I have known for many years and who share my interests.

I am at a crossroads, wondering where to go.

astroknight All-Star Supporter
Questionable Moderator

Tastes so good...
4187 Posts
11/99
Posted - Nov 3 2006 : 4:48PM
Some of my best friends are women. It's nice to have a variety to the conversation and to be able to get a woman's point of view at times. At the same time, I can understand some of your frustration after chasing after a few of these women in my younger days. How a relationship works and what category it falls into isn't necessarily defined by the sex of the person. If all she wants is a friendship, she can also pick up the bill (or at least the tip) some of the time.

"Vegetarianism for me is about saying ‘yes’ to things - even meat." - Coupling

jayo All-Star Supporter
All-Star Member

2117 Posts
7/04
Posted - Nov 3 2006 : 10:14PM
My advice: keep looking for one where there's a mutual attraction. You don't have to block this one's phone number, but if you don't think anything'll come of this, look around for one that will.

croy
Platinum Member

Discovry
4574 Posts
3/04
Posted - Nov 3 2006 : 10:26PM
If you have no other relationship beyond being friends, why is there any question? She isn't your girlfriend, she is your friend who is a woman.
So stay friends and move on.
Xenomorgue
Deactivated User

50 Posts
9/06
Posted - Nov 4 2006 : 4:39PM
I don't think that the friendship will last.
 
croy
Platinum Member

Discovry
4574 Posts
3/04
Posted - Nov 4 2006 : 10:07PM
Regardless, a friendship is not mutually exclusive with another relationship.
jayo All-Star Supporter
All-Star Member

2117 Posts
7/04
Posted - Nov 4 2006 : 11:28PM
Seriously, we might be more helpful if you had a more specific question in mind.
Xenomorgue
Deactivated User

50 Posts
9/06
Posted - Nov 5 2006 : 1:30PM
Okay jayo, here are a couple of axioms you may comment on.

(1) Dating is -like gambling and religion- a form of self-deception. It feeds on anxiety but gives only false hope.

(2) As you get older dating becomes more illusory, as both the probability of mutual attraction and the probability of compatibility in life-style etc become smaller and smaller.

(3) If you date a woman and end up being "friends", this is like receiving the consolation prize for failed courtship.

(4) While MM fiendship is robust and lasting, MF friendship is volatile and transient.

catfacemcgee
Member

43 Posts
7/06
Posted - Nov 5 2006 : 4:53PM
women like confidence. you appear to have none.
relax, try to meet people for the fun of meeting new people. maybe then something will spark.
jayo All-Star Supporter
All-Star Member

2117 Posts
7/04
Posted - Nov 5 2006 : 7:30PM
False hope of what? Millions of people date and some of them are successful. Hell, I'm the world's worst at it, and I don't think it's that bad.
We're fairly close in age. It's true a lot of the good ones are taken, and a lot of the ones left are banged up, but I do find a fair number of women who are around my age are attractive.

The thing I like about age is a lot of women (and men) are more grounded and mature. They've gone through their Princess phase and they're no longer looking for Prince Charming, they know we're flawed and they know which flaws they can live with (spending too much time in the garage getting dirty) and which they can't live with (liars, cheats, greedy, self-centered, etc).

That's up to you. I have far more women friends than men, and I've had as much or more trouble with the guys than with the girls.
croy
Platinum Member

Discovry
4574 Posts
3/04
Posted - Nov 5 2006 : 10:23PM
All of these are giving up before you start. If you have determined there is no way to win, why bother playing at all?
1) All those long relationships and marriages out there say that hope is not false.
2) As people get older, they are more reluctant to change their routine to take a risk. If people have learned what is important and what is not from their life experiences, their relationships at that point will be better. Less illusions to encumber the relationship. Many have found that previous relationships help with the current one because something was learned from pervious mistakes.
3) Sometimes a real friendship is better than a short fling. Well, those short flings are fun.
But this is another lame excuse for not trying. If you don't try you get nothing.
4) Not at all, I have friends that are women. These aren't one of those stupid things where I haul stuff around for them or buy stuff in vain hope of getting some.
In one of these friendships her husband became a good friend too.
DzaR
Deactivated User

Deep Within The Consciousness Of My Own Mind
64 Posts
9/06
Posted - Nov 9 2006 : 11:47AM
Ayuh. Next time you take her out for dinner, see if you can't get an invite back to her place, or invite her back to yours. Either way is fine there.

Then this is what you do ...

When she goes to the W.C., confidently go through her purse and find her little book where she keeps all her girlfriends' phone numbers. Confidently copy out all the ladies' names and numbers you find in there, then, obviously, hide your copy for later perusal. Confidently replace her little book where you found it, and when she returns from the W.C., confidently act as if nothing has happened (just pretend that you are Tom Cruise, super-duper actor, full of confidence 24/7/365 & 1/4, although everyone in the world knows that he is a complete asshole).

If nothing in the way of sex happens between you both that night, then make good use of your confident-o-so-confident thievery skills.

Call her girlfriends, one by one, as any man of confidence would do, ask them for a date, and see what happens from there.

Women love a man full of confidence (i.e. an absolutely narcissistic asshole).

licker
Senior Member

Heretic, Iconoclast, Skeptic
1141 Posts
8/03
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 8:33AM
Hmmm. Late to the party but I'll contribute a few comments.
Maybe. I am the same age as you, and I am finding that some single women in our age group have had plenty of time to develop a range of unpleasant neuroses. Also there is much evidence of child-like attitudes. They often are still waiting for Daddy to arrive and rescue them from all of life's hardships. I really feel that people ought to grow out of this attitude by the time they reach 50.

Unfortunately, the way many girls were raised in the 1950s, there are going to be a lot of Cinderella Complexes out there.

I'm giving it a rest for a couple of years. Or maybe 3 or 4.

Well, as your hormone levels get lower, sexual attraction becomes less and less of an urgent factor. Common interests matter much more. Also, you won't be so willing to put up with a lot of misery, sulks and tantrums just to have a partner. This fact may be new and surprising to her as much as it is to you.

It still can be fun to find a partner whose company and conversation you like. Many things like holiday travel, for example, can be more enjoyable as a couple. That came out sounding really lame, but you probably get my drift.

Strongly disagree. Worthwhile female friends are damn hard to find. Make the most of the ones you have.
If one of you still views the other as a potential sex partner, then it's going to end in tears. If you are genuine friends because of common interests, the chances are better.
ziniaraya
Member

London
194 Posts
4/03
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 2:39PM
Personally, I don't get the cross roads, wondering where to go bit.

You say 'there is no physical attraction between us'. The way you put it, suggests that is on both sides. So all that can leave for both of you is the objective of friendship.

And that's what that small talk, MSN messages,'not earth shattering stuff', is all about. I'll bet that is all you are really doing with your pals - and it is enough. So, if it ain't enough with this woman, then really you might as well admit that (a) an ongoing friendship with her is not a starter and (b) that if your still thinking about it, then really your holding out for a shag and she just ain't interested. So my advice is - delete the phone number from your phone - now (and that other bit of paper with the details so you don't get tempted later) - and move on.

Z.


croy
Platinum Member

Discovry
4574 Posts
3/04
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 10:23PM
As opposed to when, exactly? What is that blessedly sane and balanced age range?
 
licker
Senior Member

Heretic, Iconoclast, Skeptic
1141 Posts
8/03
Posted - Nov 21 2006 : 12:29AM
Can't really say, since it's only personal experience, but from memory the women I dated in my teens and twenties seemed closer to sanity than those I've been with recently.

It's probably just the luck of the draw, or perhaps that the girls I met back then were all university students with a wider and more positive outlook on life.

croy
Platinum Member

Discovry
4574 Posts
3/04
Posted - Nov 21 2006 : 5:49AM
That's baggage, not neurosis.
licker
Senior Member

Heretic, Iconoclast, Skeptic
1141 Posts
8/03
Posted - Nov 21 2006 : 8:50AM
Whatever.
Xenomorgue
Deactivated User

50 Posts
9/06
Posted - Jan 21 2007 : 10:15PM
Update: the friendship has ended.

She and I got along really well. We liked each other's company. The conversation was always pleasant, never a quarrel. But in the end we had too little in common, and we could not agree on the terms of our friendship.

croy
Platinum Member

Discovry
4574 Posts
3/04
Posted - Jan 21 2007 : 11:02PM
No smoke, no fire.
All Forums > Sex Talk > Sex Talk Forum Page 35looking for advice on friendship/relationship

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