I don't know if this belongs here, or if someone else started it, but I have had troubles meeting and talking to women. The main reason is because I'm scared they already have bofriends. If I ask, "do you want to go out on Saturday." or whatever, I'm scared that they will say no, because they already have a boyfriend. And most of all I'm scared that this will make things more Awkward in the future. As a friendship.
Since I go in and out of college, the only chance I meet girls is at my job. Thier have been a couple that I like, but shaky, because I work with them. I don't go to bars, because I don't really drink.
So does anyone have any advice for me?
1. When you guys meet a girl, do you autmoaticaly go up to them and ask them out? Get to know them first?
2. For the women here: Do you go out with other guys( as a friend), even though you have boyfriends or married? Does your boyfriend mind? I know some of my friends do.
First of all, try not to let this get you down. There's a whole world of women out there and one of these days you'll strike it lucky for sure - most likely when you least expect it! At least that's my own personal experience.
You say you don't go to bars, well I wouldn't worry too much about that. Bars & discos often tend to be "cattle markets" anyway and not the best place to get to know women if you're looking for something more than just a fling.
Try and build up an active social scene - for example, take up a sport that women do as well (just for example, I do karate - and we've got some real nice chicks in our club!), join clubs or associations, take up a foreign language or photography or something at night classes, accept invitations to parties and meals if any come your way and throw parties and gatherings yourself. Attend work-related social functions, where you'll not only see the usual faces from your regular place of work but maybe from elsewhere as well. These are all good ways to make new friends and /or meet women.
If you do find yourself falling for someone at work, then why not ask her out? Plenty of relationships begin at the workplace.
But wherever it is you meet a girl you're keen on, just take things easy, chat to her normally and if you find that she responds favourably, that you can talk to her easily and have a laugh together, then ask her out for coffee or a meal and just take things from there. Just don't try and rush things and don't try and pretend to be something you're not. If there's a chemistry there, you'll notice soon enough.
Finally - don't let the fear of rejection put you off. It seems to me from the tone of your mail that your basic problem is that you lack confidence. Try and put that aside (most women DO like a guy to be confident) and remember that rejection happens to the best of us, my friend - we've all been blown out at some stage!!! Sure, the chances are that at some point you'll meet a girl you really like, you'll ask her out and she'll turn you down. But that's life! Chalk it up to experience and move on. Don't brood over it. Just remember that there's plenty more where she came from!! There's an old saying: "Faint heart never won fair maiden" and it's very true. So if there's a girl that you're keen on, just take the plunge and ask her out. And if you do get rebuffed, what the hell - you're no worse off than you were before, right? And you never know - she might just says 'yes' and you've got yourself a date!
Anyway, good luck.
floraman
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DenverDon Benevolent
Firmly Embedded in Depravity 5914 Posts 7/02
Posted - Sep 21 2003 : 12:17PM
First off Jem, I wouldn't just automatically ask the girl out. You're dating a person and personality, not just a set of looks. I would try to get to know them a little first.
I also like the way floraman made the following statement:
What the hell,here's my sob story.My situation is worse now that I'm gaining weight,getting older and have a big social anxiety thing going.But hey,messed up/fat/anti-social/lazy people can get laid too right?
Frankly,I'm frustrated as to why it appears so "easy"to everyone else.Sure,people get shot down,or relationships don't always work out,even casual dating ones.But so many people I meet have had a lay here or there,in between girlfriends,or they can date on a regular basis(and they are doing more than holding hands kids,come on...).I've always felt invisible(boo hoo),no one ever seems to notice ME.I've spent many years trying to be comfortable with who I am,and still working on it.People say just be yourself,that seems to turn women OFF from me,I mean,I say whatever I want,I'm not rude,but I find alot of guys say what they THINK women want to hear"Oh you're a hardcore feminist,yeah,I'm down with that totally."You know,they keep everything slanted towards the woman,I can't help it,I'm not going say Green Day rocks just cuz she likes them because they SUCK OK!Know what I mean? I find women either see me as an amusing novelty or a weirdo.
And before I became a shut in,I did things I liked to do,like take some classes or go to shows.I'm INVISIBLE!Or when ladies start talking to me I'll say something that makes them roll their eyes as if to say"OK,stay away from THAT guy.."
It seems MOST people have had some type of dating life,EXPERIENCE!The older I get the longer the divide between my emotional/sexual maturity and that of potential women gets.How can I relate?I mean seriously,even I know when a woman is showing interest,but it rarely happens,at least not women I'm attracted to.I just don't get it.People take it for granted,they say just do this,or when you're not looking,etc.WHY is it so easy for the rest of you!I don't even think I'm desperate,I would just like to have some emotional/sexual companionship once in awhile before this wasted life is over.
What Would Dr.Phil Say? "Son I think you should sprinkle some seed in your underwear and water it twice a day and try to grow yourself a pair of balls."
Don't ask a girl out unless she wants you to... problem solved lol
Ok... that probably wasn't very helpful, I'll try and do better.
1. Be almost unatainable. Don't go begging for it, all that will do is: a) Scare her off. b) Make you look desperate, and make her vomit.
2. See how she reacts to your presense, or better yet, get a friend to keep an eye on the situation since its one of the frailties of human nature that we are totally incapable of knowing when someone is flirting with us in most situations.
3. Talk about yourself honestly... let her get to know you, and listen to her do the same (Trust me, she will talk about herself.
Remember, most relationships are not manufactured, they just happen, and it tends to work much better when they are not manufactured because you don't have all that tension around when everything is moving on a natural progression.
Jem, try and find comfortable settings to meet people with similiar interests. Get involved in the things that you care about in life, get to know other people who share your passions. Once your living your life, meeting women really is something that takes care of itself, no matter your looks, charisma or financial status.
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IamADipshit Deactivated User
39 Posts 8/03
Posted - Sep 23 2003 : 10:50PM
Yo whats up my man, you know I sweat this stuff just like you, few days ago I started a similar post to this one. I have found you need to first feel comfortable around the women before you can do anything else. Find a girl you feel you can talk about stuff with. Then just go with the flow and see what happens. If you both feel comfortable, and you are saying what you want to be saying. What I mean is you don't feel like you have to say certain things or act a certian way around her. If you can act natural (as much as possible) then ther is a good chance a realationship may workout! Of course the bot of you will feel a bit nervous at first, that's only natural. I take it you are the shy quiet type, maybe frustrated with the way things are going. You have a right to be upset, i understand if you are. It sucks not beibg able to meet the right person, but the flip side to that is maybe the girls you are around just aren't for you. You said you were curious as to how you get girls to go out with you. The girls that I have gotten were ones that hung out with my friends or freinds of my own friends. I find once they know who you are and see that you have guy friends and go out you can be "in" with them. Some girls may like you now and you either don't know it or don't have the courage to talk to them. It's tough but part of it is in your head. You can make it easier! Also, you can meet girls on your own talk to some of the quieter girls in class that you find attractive and are NICE. Don't always go for the prettiest girl because chances are they have the attitude of a godzilla and alrady are corrupted by all the guys hitting on them. Plus you may not have a lot in common with them. To sum it up talk to the girls that you could see being friends with and feeling comfortable around who you find attractive this way a relationship could develop. And remember most girls even if they like you will not ask you out, you are the man and you have got to do the "dirty" work. GOOD LUCK!!!
