I also disliked the "what are you doing?" dialogue from Robby. It was like he needed cue-cards.
Great review.
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| Saki At-Large 2087 Posts 11/99 |  Posted - Apr 9 2000 : 5:16PMAction Sports Sex 5 (1999) Studio: Vivid Raw Directed by: Robby D. Starring: Shelbee Myne, Dayton Rains, Felicity, Elizabeth Starr, McKayla, Envy, C.J. Bennett, T.J. Hart, Jessica Jewel, Bobby V., Brandon Iron, Pat Myne, Steve Taylor Running Time: 2:09 Format: Double Sided, Single Layer DVD Features: Animated main menu; full motion video chapter selection; 2 photo galleries with 65 photos; 8 random video clips; and trailers for Action Sports Sex Vols. 1-3 and Sin-a-Matic Vols. 2-3. The First Word: If it wasn't for the irritating chatter and really, really bad boob jobs, this gonzo would have had a chance... Plot Synopsis: This is a first-person gonzo with Robby D. as the cameraman. No plot, just the typical gonzo B.S. of picking up girls off the street, even though we know that they're all porn stars. In this case, most of the pickups involve "finding" bikini-clad girls on the beach and brining them back to a sparsely-furnished house and fucking. There are five scenes in this 2-hour plus video, with the first being a four-way between Bobby V., Shelbee Myne (sporting her awkward new breasts), Dayton Rains (a petite brunette with an interesting talent), and Felicity (a very pretty blonde from the Czech Republic). Next, Pat Myne and Bobby V. tag-team these two pairs of girls: Shelbee plus Elizabeth Starr (ugh--see below) and Envy plus McKayla (the third and final natural boobed girl in this gonzo). The third scene is a fairly conventional one-on-one with Bobby V. and C.J. Bennett. Although the start of the fourth scene suggests the possibility of another group sex scene, we have to be satisfied with just a boy-girl with long-haired T.J. Hart and Brandon Iron. Finally, the video ends with a scene between dirty-talking and dominant Jessica Jewel and Steve Taylor. There's a little surfing footage thrown in, but this series has become Action Sports Sex in name only. What I Liked: Hot action: For the most part, the sex is pretty exciting and proves to me that Raw can produce good gonzo and all-sex titles, despite its Vivid lineage. You've got all of the elements that turn raincoaters on: girls gagging on huge dicks, clear penetration shots, lots of anal, facials, cum bubbles, and dirty talk. With this action combined with some better looking girls would have made for a great gonzo, but alas, we have see the action performed by some really marginal chicks. Good looking guys and a few cute girls: I normally don't touch on the looks of the guys, but I need something positive to say about this DVD, so... With the exception of dorky looking Pat Myne, the guys in this video are ideal gonzo studs: tanned, muscled, well-hung (and hard--there's nothing worse than a big, semi-hard dick). I was particularly impressed with Bobby V., who is pretty much the ideal porn stud, except for his annoying tendency to whack his cock with his hand to distract himself (?!?!). Anyway, the guys are joined by a couple of cute girls who stand out like an oasis in the desert. Dayton Rains is a cute girl (and would be even cuter without the tattoos) who has the unusual ability to shoot things out of her pussy, a skill she demonstrates by ejecting a ping pong ball and squirting water from the pool--way cool! The other notable girl is the innocent looking Czech blonde, Felicity, who looks fabulous in her little pink bikini. I'll take two of her, to go! What I Didn't Like: Girls that defy nature: I've said before that I don't mind fake tits if they are done well and don't look fake. However, most of the girls in this film are so obviously fake that they could get a job at a carnival freak show. First example: Shelbee Myne. She was one of my favorite starlets until she decided to get implants--massive ones. They look look like the nose cones on a missile--absolutely unnatural, even when covered by a bikini top. Next example: Envy. Her new boobs are so heavy that they swing away from her chest, and would probably fall off if they weren't attached. It's also pretty gross to see the scars on the undersides of each breast. Third example: C.J. Bennett. Aside from her bleached blonde butch hairdo and pimply butt, C.J. sports a pair of melon-sized rocks that have absolutely no range of motion. Then there's T.J. Hart, who has the most normal looking boob jobs, but they still don't hang well in doggy position and have nipple scars. Add Jessica Jewel to the long list of unattractive breasts in this video. But the one who takes the cake is over-the-hill stripper Elizabeth Starr. She looks like a younger version of the old lady in There's Something About Mary, but with like 10 more pounds of silicone stuffed in some week-old helium balloons. I know I sound completely harsh for complaining like this, but it's just a total turnoff to see such poor examples of cosmetic surgery. The suburban homeboy lingo: The thing I hate the most about the Action Sports Sex series is the insistence that everyone sound like they're the boyz in the hood. Examples of Robby D.'s vocabulary: "Where you at?", "Duuude!", "Yo! Check it out!", "Man, look at dis!", "Fuckers were tearing that shit uuuuup", "Can you believe this shit?", and "Oh, (insert name), what are you doing?!?". Maybe I'm a little too far removed from today's youth, but I don't think anyone really talks like that, and if they do, I feel sorry for them. Robby D's gonzo technique: The second scene was frustrating to watch since the action was on two different floors of the house, and Robby would run back and forth to film both threesomes. Duuuuude, get a second camera! Hell, some of the homeboys that were just spectators could have run a video camera. The result is what I call gonzo interruptus (GI), where the camera pulls out of the action just when it is getting interesting. Another example of GI is Robby's insistence on acting like the roving reporter during the sex scene. I really could care less what his friend sitting on the couch thinks about the performance, nor what the people walking onto the set have been up to, at least not while there's a couple fucking on the floor. It's an all-sex video, so I want to see what's relevant. Save the street interviews and play them over the credits or something! DVD Extras: I noticed that Raw's side B package of extras has been updated! Now there's a new visual theme that replaces the familiar "theater lobby" interface. This time it's a futuristic, outer space, geometric design that's unusual (and somewhat difficult to navigate since you don't know where the hot spots are). There are eight video clips on this side, each more or less a complete scene from Vivid's library. Maybe it speaks to my disappointment of Action Sports Sex 5, but I think I actually enjoyed the side B more than I did the main feature. Again, it would have been nice if Vivid labeled each scene a la music video style. Also, I was hoping that they would have included newer preview trailers to complement the updated extras content, but it is the same Raw trailer package that they've been using for quite a while. A/V Quality: Very solid for a gonzo; nothing to write home about, but nothing distracting either except for a couple video dropouts now and then. Maybe it's my imagination, but I think there are two different groups of people who master Vivid's DVDs, one set that does the Vivid feature films, and another that does the virtual sex and Raw titles. The difference is like night and day... The Last Word: I know that there are some good reviews on this title out there, and I would have agreed with them, if it weren't for the distractions along the way. The action is hot to watch, the guys are well hung and can keep wood, and there are a couple of really cute girls in the mix. However, the video is almost completely ruined for me by Robby D's shooting style and the freaks of nature that make up most of the female cast. As an "all natural" fan, this video is my worst nightmare, and I can't recommend it to anyone. Themes: Massively fake tits, homeboy talk, easy women, anal sex Category: Gonzo Overall Rating: 2/5 Female Performers' Looks: 1/5 Male Performer's Looks: 4/5 Sex: 3.5/5 Plot/Acting: N/A Extras: 3/5 A/V Quality: 4/5 What it's worth: $10 Saki ------------------ [url=455144]My Adult DVD List (Updated 04/04/00) | [url=455145]My Adult DVD Reviews [Link] |
| Oneloa Member 848 Posts 2/00 |  Posted - Apr 9 2000 : 6:10PMI also disliked the "what are you doing?" dialogue from Robby. It was like he needed cue-cards. Great review. [Link] |
| Darkmage Member State of Denial 328 Posts 11/99 | Posted - Apr 9 2000 : 10:17PM Quick question about the A/V: Video dropouts or audio dropouts? What happens when you get a video dropout? White noise, black screen, fuzzy pink bunnies? ------------------ "If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?" [Link] |
| Saki At-Large 2087 Posts 11/99 | Posted - Apr 9 2000 : 10:35PM A major dropout would be a distortion that affects most of the screen, such as when you play over a damaged section of a VHS tape. Regarding your examples, I would view all of them (including the fuzzy pink bunnies ) to be catastrophic video errors. I hope that makes sense and clarifies things. In the case of this video, we're talking less than 2 seconds worth of footage out of 2+ hours that showed a minor flaw. Not that much to get worked up over, which is why I gave the video a Very Good rating. Saki ------------------ [url=455144]My Adult DVD List</A (Updated 04/04/00) | [url=455145]My Adult DVD Reviews</A [Link] |
| PornBoy Deactivated User 642 Posts 2/00 | Posted - Apr 11 2000 : 5:35AM [Link] |
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| Busta Hymen Member Simi Valley 49 Posts 12/99 | Posted - Apr 14 2000 : 8:30PM I have already sold both titles to some other unfortunate one. Perhaps, he'll be more on a level that could appreciate this. [This message has been edited by Busta Hymen (edited April 14, 2000).] [Link] |
| torris Senior Member Deep within Mila's anus 1827 Posts 1/00 | Posted - Apr 17 2000 : 9:14PM Action Sports Sex (Vivid RAW) Production date: 3/14/98; 1 hour 53 minutes Produced/Directed by Robby D Where I bought my copy: [url=138595]www.adultdvdnow.com</A DVD Clarity: Slightly grainy, not annoyingly so. Probably good by Vivid's poor DVD transfer track record. DVD Extras: Nothing extra to entice you if you're on the fence on whether to buy over rent. . Interactive Rooms (a handful of Vivid scenes that I think are the same on all their DVDs) . Previews of other Vivid RAW titles . Dark Room - still footage from the movie . Chapters . Multiple Angles?: NO Girls: Sabina Johnson, Caroline, Angelica De La Soul (sic), Azlea, Shelbee Mine, Inari Vachs, Barrett Moore Parolees: Jake Steed, Mr. Marcus, Steve Taylor, Darren, Pat Mine, Rick Masters, Don Upton, Lexington Steel, Tony "Smegmaboy" Tedeschi, Rudy, Steve "Supercuts" Hatcher Raincoater Index: Facials: 7 facials in 7 scenes Anal: 4 anals, 1 DP in 7 scenes Condoms: 2 condoms in 7 scenes Silicone: 2, possibly 3, out of 7 girls Girl-Girl Filler: 1 short scene out of 7 Skank Factor: MEDIUM (Sabrina, Caroline and Inari are wholesome. Angelica, Shelbee, Azlea and Barrett had tattoos; Angelica had a tongue stud) Rating: +6 (Starting at a baseline of zero, with plus or minuses given for the strength of the scene. A movie with a positive rating would have more to recommend it than to discourage it). In this case, Action Sports Sex had four scenes that kept my FF'ing to a crawl. Setup: I picked this up thanks to the preview on another Vivid RAW DVD purchase I made, Sin-a-Matic. Mainly was interested in having this for an Angelica de la Sol anal scene. I love her look but didn't think she had the guts (ha ha) for anal. Based on that one scene alone, this DVD was worth the cash for the purchase. I don't know if she's still in the biz, but she has the makings of an anal queen! The rest of the DVD was fairly decent, yet all the posturing and bobbing and posing from the whiggers and all the extreme sports action (yawn) was slightly annoying. It was kind of like Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars: Phantom Menace, I expected it to be much more aggravating than it actually was, but still could have done without a lot of the hand jive. Robby D is a fairly likeable dipshit stoner but his "did you believe that, dude" shtick was fairly lame. Yeah we know that's a dick in her ass. Now if you had said, "Dude I can't believe that's your dick in her eardrum" we strokers might be amazed. This DVD was also worth it for the "train wreck" factor of the Shelbee Mine/Pat Mine coupling. Yow. More of that later. Scene 1: Sabrina Johnson, Mr. Marcus, Jake Steed +2 Scene 1A: Caroline, Steve Taylor, Skinheadboy (Don Upton?) +1 The movie starts off with three guys watching some surfing and then the backwards baseball cap and cotton beanie in July wearing mofo's steal some guy's nice digital camera. Of course this is the cornball setup for Robby D and his sidekick Pat to film a porn movie. Mercifully, only two minutes were wasted in this canard. If this were a Seymore Butts movie, it probably would have been fifteen minutes squandered. They take the stolen camera into a snowboard shop. I think we've found the secret to ending the race wars as the white guys with their tattoos and suburban homeboy lingo fits right in with the black guys. A lot of the whiteboy equivalent of bro, (how do you phonetically spell it, braaah?), dudes and fuck this and fuck that is pretty much the order of the day. Steed and Marcus look cool, staying above the fray, not saying much as they watch the girls and ignore the flyboys buzzing in search of desperate street cred. So Sabrina and Caroline are looking to try on some clothes and Sabrina is encouraged to try on a nice little pink top on in front of the loiterers. Sabrina is a wonderful UK trollop. Pretty face, lovely long brunette hair, creamy white skin but not too pale, nice natural breasts that look great on her lithe frame. Rather tall and that Scottish accent is way sexy. (Now I know why women of all ages get so juicy over Sean Connery). Caroline, who looks like a more vacant, Euro version of Melissa Hill is a petite brunette with a tight body and medium sized natural(?) breasts. Marcus and Jake follow Sabrina into a corner where she strips down and sucks off the two big black guys. Her luminescent white skin looks good surrounded by the black and tan of Marcus and Jake. Your standard Twister set of couplings ensue, Robby's camera work is good enough to not over concentrate on genitals-only fucking until we've seen some good looks at the two on one action. Then Jake anals her in missionary, giving us a good look at her butterfly labia. Then it's Marcus' turn in her ass from doggy. He rams her deep and hard while she sucks on Jake's snake. Not enough looks at her face in rapture before Steed slides under for the DP. The DP is kind of a mess of limbs akimbo and this little gal is lost between the two men. The double facial is quite nice as she's in submissive position, mouth open, cupping their balls. Marcus drops a few spurts right over her mouth, Jake gets a few blasts that covers her well. A good amount of post cum knob polishing of both men shows us she's not afraid of sperm. Another excellent Sabrina Johnson performance. I would have rated it higher if I hadn't seen her do it so many times before. She spoils us with her enthusiasm and orifice elasticity. Attention then turns to Caroline who gets Team Whiteboy (TM - Robby D). Steve Taylor and some tattoo bellied skinhead. She sucks Taylor's limp dick as he struggles to get wood. Caroline has a great little body but her face is somewhat marginal with shoulder length reddish brown hair. Her breasts look to be about the size and shape of Nadia Moore's. I guess only her doctor knows if it's the set her Lord blessed her with. Cut to your standard doggy/suck threesome that is perfunctory outside Skinboy slapping Caroline's thighs like he's riding a pony at Churchill Downs. Cut to Taylor finally getting enough wood to ride her ass (condom) in doggy style. Skinboy takes his turn in her colon and this is an improvement somewhat. Even though he's got a little flopsy in him, his cock is bigger than Taylor's and he doesn't seem to require a condom. Good reverse anal cowgirl shots with him part way in her ass bouncing. Her tits look good but almost a little too round, however no noticeable scars underneath if you're keeping score at home. Then something amazing happens: As Caroline oohs and ahhs looking straight at the camera as the Eurobims are wont to do, Skinboy reaches up and paws both of her breasts. Caroline, in heavy accent, slaps him away and yells "Vat you doing? Leave them alone please, I'm not an animal". That throws Skinboy for a loop until they go back to rutting by numbers with Skinboy barely touching her out of fear of another rebuke. Cut to both Taylor (condom gone now?) and Skinly doing Doggy Fucking in the Round. Skin just doesn't seem to have the magic touch with her as he drives too deep in her ass and she reaches back at him again. Poor guy is squeezing his nutsack like Alex Sanders trying to keep it hard enough for her. That just ain't working out so they mercifully cut to the facial. She looks rather homely here with her eyes screwed shut, tongue out like a baby bird waiting for Momma bird's worm. Neither facial is much to speak of. More wound up on the floor than on her face. (Steve Taylor is a fucking disgrace of a performer to begin with; Skinboy has some potential.) Despite her screwface during the facial, afterwards she seems delighted for some quick knob polishing. Weird scene: half a turn on, half a turn off at the same time. Scene 3: Angelica and Robby D & Shelbee Mine & Pat +2 Robby and Pat hit the road for some ski action through a blizzard. At a gas stop they run into Angelica and Shelbee who they had ignored back at the clothing store while Sabrina and Caroline were being put through the paces. So in tried and true porn movie "reality" it appears that the ski lodge has double booked the same condo, at the same time for Robby and Pat & Angelica and Shelbee. Pray tell, how will they decide who gets the cabin? After a little bonding at the local supermarket, we go back to them all snug and cozy playing snookerball in the cabin. That goes into a little half assed tongue licking by the two girls. Strictly porno bullshit, ruining the reality of whatever set up of the gals getting to like the roguish snowboarders this scene was striving for. Some pro forma rug munching ensues but not detailed enough for a real scene if you're into that sort of thing. After a jacuzzi sequence and watching Shelbee and Pat in the shower, I was thinking this was getting to be as annoying as a Seymore movie waiting for some real sex to take place. Robby sneaks away for some tender moments with Angelica whose resistance is crumbling. Then he comes back to a quick scene with Shelbee and Pat sucking and fucking by the fireplace. That coupling is a red herring that never concludes as Robby goes to check on Angelica in her room. Angelica is snug under the covers and Robby pulls them back to reveal her jilling off with a vibrator and anal dildo in her ass wearing only her pajama top. Angelica is a pretty Latina with beautiful eyes and a very ripe mouth, long wavy black hair. Sort of a little kid demeanor but also seems somewhat intelligent. She ought to switch to some taco salads instead of the three burrito combination platters as she looks a little chubbier than usual in this video. That's not really a problem for me, I think her womanliness and big natural boobs is a refreshing change from the usual coke thin robofoxes that litter most videos these days. Her tits are large and hefty yet also have a little droopyness with small, flat, darkbrown nipples. She also has a big blob of something tattooed on her right belly and a tongue stud. She reminds me of what a child of Vanessa Del Rio might look like if she was doing porn in the 90s. She masturbates with the two appliances for Robby's entertainment. The purple Anal Rouser in her colon is quite a piece of torture. It must be ten inches long and corkscrewed. I was pretty impressed that she could get it to the hilt considering it has six knobs on it, each ball successively larger. Sexy in a freakish sort of way. She masturbates while telling him she's never had actual anal sex, you can hear her slick pussy "pop" while she rubs herself. (I love that sound because it's such a rare commodity in porn films). Cut straight away to Angelica on her knees asking Robby not to go really deep as he throat fucks her. Of course he immediately makes her cough, with a sheepish apology, of "did I do that?" that all men who have pushed the envelope can relate to when they get that hairy eyeball look to knock it off. She gives the appearance of a pretty wet sloppy blowjob but despite her enthusiasm rarely takes more of him in her mouth than necessary. Of course, she has to spit too. Sigh. Reverse missionary is next as her zaftig body looks good splayed on his cock with her large breasts undulating. Not much vaginal sex before he cuts to piledriving her ass in missionary (no insertion shot). He's wielding the camera so it's hard to get a good long look at her body and ass at the same time. So he cuts back and forth and I never like that in anal scenes. Wish he could have had someone else running the camera while he spelunked her ass. They never switch to any other position, although he does fuck her for a decent amount of actual time in her butt before he blows a good thick load on her right cheek. (A pretense of knob polishing as she rubs his cock across her closed lips). Not the best executed anal scene but since she is a favorite of mine, her doe eyed enthusiasm and winsome personality make it alright for me. Better than most first time anal debuts. Scene ends the next morning with a quickie: Pat and Shelbee fucking that quickly ends in a dollop of cum on her chin. Scene 4: Shelbee Mine and Pat Mine; +2 Sometime after their ski excursion, Robby goes to Pat's bachelor pad and catches him in a 69 with Shelbee. Pat looks like a grungier, more buff, tattooed, white trash version of Ralph Malph from Happy Days. Shelbee is a rather nondescript blonde with hair barely touching her shoulders who looks somewhat like Bridget Fonda. She's rather short but has a nice round ass and natural cupcake breasts with little puffy nipples. She has a garish triangular shape tattoo on the small of her back. Looks like someone you'd see in the neighborhood not the usual porno fodder. I guess these two are married in real life. From 69, (we never see her sucking him), he goes straight into her ass from missionary. She encourages him to "fuck that ass" while she rubs her pussy. We get to view a few gape shots and re-insertions. A lot of time (too much) is spent on the reverse piledriver position as Shelbee holds her ass cheeks apart in doggy formation.. Plenty of gape shots but I get tired of that position because you can't see her face. He cums in her ass and then just when you thought it was safe to move to the next scene...I lost my lunch. She squats over him and her ass does a little Mila-esque bloom and she drops his load back into his mouth afterward. His tongue is out and waiting like someone dripping Thanksgiving gravy from a turkey baster into his mouth. I had to go brush my teeth after watching that spectacle. For the purposes of this review, this counts as a facial -- for him. Blecch. +2 for the circus attraction aspect not for eroticism. Scene 5: Inari Vachs, Rick Masters, Lexington Steele, Tony "Smegmaboy" Tedeschi, Darren: Zero I can't think of a bigger loser in porn than Rick Masters. Any scene with him in it is gonna suck. This is the most vacuous slob in porn with his sunken chest and beer belly, he is both flotsam and jetsam. I guess he does porn because pandhandling takes too much fortitude. This scene is lackluster for several reasons, none of which have to do with Inari herself. Who is both cute and adorable. Her wanton sluttiness is definitely not put to good use. The crux of this scene is that Rick is getting his surfboard shaped and they go to the shop to see what's taking so long. Smegmaboy Tedeschi looks even greasier than usual and hides behind a surgical mask the whole time (praise Jah for small favors). Darren, black, an AC Green look alike (which is hugely funny if anyone out there follows pro basketball) invites Lexington Steele to show up for a little action to set the stage for the makings of a great mini gangbang, but alas... Inari is proof that great things come in small packages. She's got windswept hair, a pink bikini top and tight black shorts covering her bubble butt. She gives the camera a little tease, shaking her tits with a big grin the whole time. She "tut tuts" when Masters undoes her top. If all girls had her demeanor I could be convinced that pornstars fuck on film because they love sex. She sucks Masters with the usual drool but she can work her mouth around a dick like few others. It's gross to watch her dribble spit out of her mouth and back in like she's sucking loogies through a straw. It might be funny when Adam Sandler teaches the little kid that trick in Big Daddy, but has no place in a fuck film. Ugh. It's not long before the other boys back her into a corner and she's sucking all their cocks. Two black guys and two pasty white guys. Too much dick stroking around her while she moves from guy to guy. I got dizzy watching her play "ring around the hosey". Then they all cum on her head, specifically in her hair. Now who on earth thought that was a good idea? Don't they know that cum belongs on a girl's face? Stupid. To make a bad idea even worse, she then takes a hair brush and brushes their wadshots into her hair. Besides, with the setup, I was hoping the two black guys would give Smegma and Rick the bum's rush and we'd see a DP (reprising the Sabrina Johnson interracial scene that led off the movie). Now who wouldn't pay full fare to see little Inari with her ass crammed with Lex's 18"er? Stoopid stoopid stoopid. Scene 6: Azlea, Barrett Moore, Steve "Supercuts" Hatcher; -1 (docked for the intrusive nature of the white colored condom) Steve and crew are skateboarding at the beach when they run into Barrett and Azlea who are rollberblading. Steve is actually looking half decent with an honest to god haircut instead of the usual "scissors in the mirror job to save $3" cut from which we've loathed him all these many years. Azlea is a brunette who has fake tits, a tattoo around her belly button, left shoulder and a jaded attitude. For some reason I really found her fetching here. She's fairly attractive and her body is rather plump and juicy like a Ballpark frank. Barrett is a tall, long legged redhead with an ugly, flat face who looked much better when she kept her sunglasses on. She has a great body sullied by a tattoo above her bikini line and asscheek. So they go into a stoner's van and get down to it. They take turns sucking him, with lots of ball nuzzling from Azlea. Hatcher is pretty into it from the strength of his tusk in their hand and mouth. Barrett is a pretty animated cocksucker. He fucks Azlea (condom on) whose ample ass looks good while she rides him. Barrett then takes her turn on Hatcher. She's got such a long body it's hard to see good action from the cramped confines of the van. You can see her pucker wrinkles on her tits though wrecking what was probably once a Nikita like body with legs that go on for days. Hatcher fucks Azlea in the ass with a slow insertion shot as she guides his pace before thrusting away in missionary. She switches to forward cowgirl anal and really seems to be getting some good momentum going while Steve fingers Barrett. Steve jerks off in Barrett's hand and she rubs it into Azlea's pucker sacks like Oil of Oh-lay. (No postcum knob polishing from these professionals who probably went straight for their pay envelope as soon as Hatcher launched his load). Standard scene but Hatcher never looked better. Maybe there's a correlation between a decent hair cut and a hardon. I would have rated this higher if it had ended in a facial of Azlea, (I would have subtracted another point if it had landed on Barrett's dogbone mug), but loses points for the presence and distraction of the white condom. You know, if these porn companies are gonna insist on condoms, couldn't they at least try and pick out the least opaque brand? Overall this was a pretty good movie, that was only mildly insufferable with all the Extreme games airhead focus and had De la Sol's only filmed anal in her short career, which was worth the price of admission for me. Yet it also included footage you don't see too often in most porn vids: the gal yelling at the parolee and male to female felching. The only real demerits were the missed opportunity in the Inari sequence and a condom wrecked anal scene. All in all, Robby D covers the waterfront better than others of his ilk like Kid Sparkle and Matt Zane. Torris "I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on" [Link] |
| torris Senior Member Deep within Mila's anus 1827 Posts 1/00 | Posted - Apr 17 2000 : 9:30PM Production date: 8/10/98; 1 hour 53 minutes Produced/Directed by Robby D Where I bought my copy: [url=138595]www.adultdvdnow.com</A DVD Clarity: Fairly good; the outdoor footage looked better than the indoor footage, which is usually the opposite in porn movies. DVD Extras: Nothing extra to entice you if you're on the fence on whether to buy over rent. . Interactive Rooms (a handful of Vivid scenes that I think are the same on all their DVDs) . Previews of other Vivid RAW titles . Dark Room . Chapters . Multiple Angles?: NO Girls: Alana, Sana Fey, Emilia, Jeanna Fine, Randi Rage, Elena, Kary Evers, Raylene (Vanessa, Peris Bleau - not listed on the box) NOTE: (I was unclear who Kary Evers and Peris Bleau actually were so it's very likely I have them mixed up). Parolees: Jake Steed, Mark Davis, Mr. Marcus, Rick Masters, Brandon Iron, Julian St. Jox, Chris Canyon, Jack Hammer, Wes Raincoater Index: Facials: 1 out of 6 scenes Anal: 4 out of 6 scenes Condoms: 6 out of 5 boy/girl scenes Silicone: 6 out of 10 girls Girl-Girl Filler: 1 out of 6 scenes Skank Factor: DANGEROUSLY HIGH 3 tattooed: Jeanna, Raylene and Emilia; no obnoxious piercings (Kary Evers is a hardened Phyllis Diller look a like; Randy Rage is a blowpig; the usually vibrant Raylene looks dull and listless here; Sana Fey looks like she likes her job but has a Hall of Shame Titjob; Vanessa has looked better; Jeanna Fine is over 90 years old in Porn Years; Peris is from Skank Island; Elena is bubblicious; Emilia is a chubbette redeemed by her massive clit; Alana is a nice little slice wasted in lesbo crap). Rating: -7 (Starting at a baseline of zero, with pluses or minuses given for the strength of the scene. A movie with a positive rating would have more to recommend it than to discourage it). This movie was terrible and missed plenty of opportunities to be something better. Do not waste your money on a rental much less a purchase unless you want a gander at Emilia's huge clit. Setup: Well it didn't take long for this series to fall into the crapper. It didn't help that it was filmed in the Post-Condom Apocalypse but it is bloated with the usual porn skanks that make renting and watching porn an entirely depressing experience. (Jesus, how many more movies must we endure Jeanna Fine sneering through a blowjob before she's finally put out to pasture?) I bought this to collect the anal scene of one of my A list girls, Raylene, but shouldn't have wasted my time. She looked like road kill and if I wanted to watch someone's eyes roll back in their head while getting fucked, I'll pull out my copy of The Exorcist and watch Linda Blair jill off with a crucifix. Not only is this an inept video, but some of scenes didn't even have proper conclusions. This is the worst porn flick I've seen since Extreme's Free at Last. And even that movie had some redeeming qualities. This one only has two: the Russian firecracker Elena and a Euro girl, Emilia, with a huge clit that, of course, is never properly exploited but is quite a sight to behold. Scene 1: Kary Evers, Elena and Brandon Iron +1 Brandon and the two girls are working out on the punching bag at the gym. Elena is a tiny white blonde from Russia with a little kid's grin. Like Leanni Lei, she looks all of twelve with little skeeter bite titties and probably still gets carded at PG movies. Kary is a hagfish who looks straight out of Leisure Slime central casting: fake white blond (wig?), whorish face, fake tits, plastic smile, orange, tanning bed skin and allergic to cock. The whole gamut of horrors. Brandon looks like a refugee from gay porn, with his buff, hairless body, receding hairline, sleazy attempt at a mustache and homely mug. Robby D is already annoying with his feigned, naive wonderment that he can't believe that Brandon is pulling down Kary's shorts, with his teeth, right there in the gym. Now wait a minute, we're all not so stupid to think that this isn't your standard porn setup, as hackneyed and tired as the pizza boy motif. Now maybe Robby D would have a right to look perplexed and amazed if this was Oscar De La Hoya slipping Lennox Lewis' trunks to his knees. Elena is a little pixie dynamite who seems to have a level of enthusiasm about what she's doing to counteract Kary's steely facade. The two girls both free Iron's impressive tusk from his boxing trunks and box it for a few strokes. Elena mouth dives onto his cock and takes deep strokes down her throat where Kary is content to lick the length of his shaft and try to avoid opening her mouth further than necessary in order to get paid. Elena is a great little cocksucker and it's apparent right away that Kary is just gonna get in the way in this scene. Brandon fucks Elena in tall doggy, while she holds onto the heavy bag (condom of course). Her moans are too over the top but her puffies look great here. Then Kary squats over him and here her body looks pretty good: tight waist, wide hips, shaved bush grown to stubble in a Dorito formation. If she has a breast implant (they look too perfect), they are tastefully done a la Nina Hartley's. The editing on this had the attention span of a six year old on Christmas Eve. Before Kary could even get more than ten strokes on Iron's rod, it switches to Elena in the same position. This continual switching was preventing any consistency from building eroticism. Then it's a series of side by side doggy on the wrestling mat and that just looks like two disembodied holes in juxtaposition. (Is this called the bike rack position?) Then cut to Brandon fucking Elena's ass full bore. (No insertion, while Kary, true to form, snarls to fuck that dirty ass ). Brandon stops to relube and you get some good gape shots as he builds back to ramming speed like a train going over a mountain pass. Much better than just cutting to him ramming away. Spoon and RACowgirl, the latter especially nice as she bounces off his cock. The cum shot is a total botch as Elena squats over Kary, who is on all fours, and Iron dribbles a decent load down her ass crack. No knob polishing, in fact Kary is up like a shot and out of Brandon's reach the second that wad shot commences. Put Elena on your list. She'd be a perfect Max Hardcore cocksocket. Avoid Kary like the crabs. Scene 2: Randi Rage, Raylene and Rick Masters -2 Cut to a soccer field as Raylene and Randy Rage kick the ball around. Raylene looks bored, like she just woke up from a nap, her long hair straight and limp. In fact thanks to the clarity of DVD, I could swear I saw some eye cheese stuck to her :-). Randy is porkchop homely. She looks like the worst genetic mutation of Rebecca Steele and Courtney Love: dirty blonde hair, greasy and unkempt, big nose, raccoon eyes, cigarette rasp, round plastic tits. Very little to entice you - unless you like hairy arms. The setup is that Raylene will do anything, wink wink nudge nudge, for a new pair of soccer shoes. So they hie on over to the local sports shop where we find Rick Masters in all his loser glory slouching on the couch. Huge groan. I would rather have watched the two Chinamen standing around playing pocket pool manhandle these girls than endure the enfeebled slacker posterboy, Masters, wreck another scene. After watching them smell Raylene's corn chip toes, they convince the girls to go in the back for special shoes. Who says Gonzo flicks don't tell a story as ineffably lame as plot-style porn? Raylene rolls up her T shirt exposing her store bought udders and the two girls take turns noshing on Masters' digit. Raylene then eats Randy out while Masters tries to get hard enough to put his condom on. Raylene mounts him and starts into her godawful moaning routine, that sounds like a moose call during hunting season. Then it's Rage's turn as we watch Rick fuck her in missionary. For some reason her tube socks pulled up past her knees turned me on. Maybe it was nostalgia for the 70s. She has nice labia and appears wet as we hear juices slide against latex, (let's all pretend it wasn't excess lube for a little something to redeem this tripe). She also has some delightfully revolting butt acne. Doesn't Astroglide make an Oxy 10 ointment for this sort of thing? Her puckersacks were in evidence as she mewls to Raylene, as they kiss, that she'd like to see her friend take it in the butt. Raylene says she doesn't take it in the butt. So cut to Masters in Raylene's ass from the missionary position, (missed opportunity in the segue of how Raylene is convinced to go anal, but probably just as well considering how cliched the scene has been up to this point). Raylene's eyes are literally rolled back in her head and she's gasping and wheezing in discomfort, real or imagined? Now come on Raylene, how about a little effort for your payday? Masters is hung like a hamster and yet she's carrying on like she's got Rocco up to his short & curlies in her bowels. This is so far from erotic that it's nothing short of pathetic. She squeals that it's not working, yet Robby eggs Masters on by saying, "looks like it's working to me". Raylene howls, "how far is it in?". Robby, ever helpful, says, "10 inches, only nine more to go". (The only thing ten inches on Rick Masters is the empty space between his ears). Raylene, in perfect Valley Girl whine, cries out about how bad she needs a vibrator. Randy, looking embarrassed for her friend, calls out, "Will a shoe work?" That line had me in stitches, perfect ad-lib! Masters rarely gets more than his head in her colon in that position. Doggy anal with her on the couch sounds just as bad, like she's giving birth to one of the Humanoids From the Deep. Although good closeup looks of Masters pumping in her ass nonstop, we can't see of course, but it looks like he's got momentum to go fairly deep. Rage slaps Raylene's ass beat red and that's just making a bad situation worse. Finally Masters jacks off on Raylene's boltons as the lovely Mexican struggles to stay conscious and everything is right again in the world. Of course he runs away when they find out he doesn't work in the shoe store. Ergo, no post cum knob polishing. Scene 3: Sana Fey, Vanessa and Jack Hammer, Mark Davis, Shmatte Boy (Chris Cannon?) -2 The next scene has Sana Fey showing up at the gym, with her boyfriend, to lift some weights. She's none too pretty: wide face, Daffy Duck mouth, Dumbo ears, high forehead, thin greasy auburn hair, humongous fake tits and too tall. She probably makes a fortune off of guys like Voyager dancing her way across country. She looks way too hard to be anything but a robofox performing sex by numbers. At least she seems to have a nice disposition. I knew this was gonna be murder on my fast forward button, but I didn't know it was gonna go on for nearly half an hour. Christ. There are a gaggle of other steroid boys flexing their pecs, including Pat Mine from volume 1. Way too much time, over three actual minutes, is spent throwing Sana Fey's suitcase pimp around the wrestling mat while nothing else is happening sexually. Mark Davis, (who keeps his shirt on the whole time to hide his gut), Jack Hammer with a haircut probably mandated by his parole officer and a greasy tattooed loveboy in red shmatte take turns getting sucked and fucked by Sana. Midway through the scene, little Vanessa, (cute French-Mauritian girl with cleft palate) shows up to work out with her hair up in a bun and in a tank top. They goad little miss priss into matching Sana Fey and she goes over and sucks on Davis' soft-hard making some annoying mouth noises to cover up for the fact that he's struggling to maintain an erection. I love Vanessa: exotic skin, cute and small, but there's too many people and too much going on to get a grip on either girl for long. And Sana is hard to watch period. Most of the action takes place with her getting fucked doggy style while holding onto the weight bar. The absolute worst position considering her mangled breasts. Her pucker sacks should win some sort of award for the most obvious bad breast job in porn, wresting the title away from Bunny Blue and Jordan Lee. Cut to Hammer banging away in her ass (no insertion, condoms of course), then it's Davis' turn and she flinches from his uncut sausage at first but we do get an insertion shot. Shmatte Boy doesn't get any ass time. He would have needed a footstool anyway to reach the Amazonian Sana Fey. Vanessa is a good cocksucker, but we rarely see any more of her body, for some reason she doesn't want to take off her tank top. At first I thought she had recently bought a new set of boobs, but she's still got the pair Vishnu or whoever she worships gave her as Shmatte Boy bangs her, pro forma - no view of him inside her - from behind. (I knew that with all the Caucasians in the scene that the chances of Vanessa taking it in her bung were slim to none). Meanwhile back at the ranch, Sana squats over Hammer's cock in her ass, reverse cowgirl formation. I love this position for anal insertion and she does look good with her twat red and open, impaled on the felon's cock. Scene ends with the proverbial train as Vanessa does a good job of deep throating Davis while Shmatte Boy struggles to get his cock into Vanessa's pussy. However, his legs are too short to accomplish this task as she is face down on the weight bench. Anal would be the obvious position and for a flickering moment Robby D calls out for that too. Vanessa brushes that idea away. Finally, Davis spoos on Sana Fey's dirigibles. Vanessa licks it up like pudding, (counted as a facial since she slops around in the mess). Hammer jerks off for hours before he manages a good couple of spurts on her tits. Vanessa slurps it up and get's piefaced as she swaps some of it with Sana. Shmatte Boy (who let this loser into porn?) manages two drops after looking like he was about to pinch a loaf. No after cum cock play. Bad scene and too much of it. Scene 4: Jeanna Fine and Mr. Marcus, Julian St. Jox, Jake Steed -1 Jeanna Fine. If I were ever to want to join the Fundamentalists to ban porn forever, it would be so I could be spared ever having to see Jeanna Fine in movies again. Who was once my all time favorite, is now the ultimate box cover poison as she went from being a great actress and believable performer to the most jaded of all sex industry workers. She now has such a bored look about her that you'd think that sucking and fucking in porn was part of her carrying out the terms of her parole from the Big House. In what appears to be a bicycle repair shop, Marcus, Julian and Robby are talking about dick sucking foibles of girls who scrape their teeth etc. They complain that they've never gotten what amounts to a great blowjob. Jeanna, in typical black dress, asks to use their restroom. They cut up about her DSLs: Dick Sucking Lips. But figure that a girl with such great lips probably can't suck dick to save her life. As Jake appears, it's more about deepthroat versus wet, sloppy ones. Of course, Jeanna re-appears and has overhead all this, and pouts that she's been stood up for a dinner date. Marcus suggests that she sucks all their dicks instead. Since the bruthas don't care to hear about what life in America was like before Lincoln freed the slaves, the ancient crone drops to her knees and starts gumming each of the studs in succession. Jeanna's dick sucking prowess has deteriorated along with everything else. No deepthroat action and she's content to let her fist do most of the work. Praise Allah, we never actually see her naked. She jerks Marcus off onto her bloated tits; rinse and repeat for Jake and then Julian. No facial and no knob polishing, no dice. Scene 5: Emilia and Wes -2 Robby goes to the beach and talks to some baldheaded black guy named Wes, who is playing basketball. Emilia waddles over to the court on high heels. She's a rather tall, voluptuous white blonde with a round ass on top of long legs. Ok face and personality, a little sloppy in the belly with natural, flabby tits. She looks good in her striped summer dress. Wes tells her he's got a mansion they can go to for some one on one b'ball instruction. Wes helps her learn to shoot by pushing on her ass. Wes makes a bunch of faces to Robby filming this and he reminds me of the black guy who used to work with Al Bundy in the shoe store on Married With Children. Lots of bullshit about stretching and having her bend over to pick up the ball ensues. Her legs, on closer inspection, have a little too much cellulite for that kind of display. Emilia is from Finland but has been "in country" long enough to get some cheap tattoos on her shoulder and across her bikini line. More juvenilia as she sits in a chair and Wes massages her "basketballs". Emilia seems along for the ride and parts her thighs to reveal a set of black panties. In order to get Laker tickets she is encouraged to suck Wes' dick. Rob slips her panties to the side and showcases a huge clit popped out of its hood. It reminded me of the little puppet guy in the Little Caesar's pizza commercial; it was that defined :-) Robby touches it like he's afraid it's going to bite his finger. I started to dream about the possibilities of what could be done with a clit this erect without much coaxing, but wondered if Robby and Wes had the courage to engage the beast. Care to hazard a guess? Of course Wes avoids it like the plague. In fact we never get a good look at her friend again. Wes licks her *ass* from behind rather than suckle her clit. Cut to Wes fucking her (white condom on black dick) in missionary. Her clit is so big that even the camera, try as it may, can't hide it. On closeup it sticks out as big as the tip of your thumb, but Wes steers clear from it with both cock and finger. Look parolees and porn directors, this is a part of a woman's body. Emilia is not a she-male. You're not a fag if you touch it. In fact, it's such a rarity that you really do your film a lot of good to exploit and manipulate such a delightful female sexual organ. This is a fetish that perverts such as myself seek out in fuck films today. So wise up you boneheads. They slip into reverse cowgirl anal and linger there for all of ten seconds before rotating around to woman on top and doggy. No chance to really get into rhythm before the real owners of the mansion chase them out of there. No cumshot, no nothing. Idiotic and useless. Maybe Wes can't get off in front of a camera. Anyway, this is a good introduction for further investigation of someone who can really put this girl and her giant clit to good use instead of enduring this wannabe director's abject fear of her fleshy nubbin. Scene 6: Alana, Peris Bleu - 1 Robby follows some black dude into the woods who has discovered two girls fondling each other on a blanket. Alana is a pretty, long haired, dirty blonde with nice small breasts. Peris has a homely heart-shaped face, with rather short black hair and store bought tits. They kiss for all of two seconds before the methlab edit jumps to them riding a double headed dildo. Alana appears to have a nice erect clit too. But sharing plastic minimizes any bodily contact and the camera is right up on the genital action so it's about as erotic as cuts of meat on display at the butcher shop. Alana inserts a golden vibrator in Peris' ass, brushing flies away from her crack. Then it's Alana's turn for the double dong prong. Bleu frigs her friend's clit instead of rolling the hood back. (If you look closely you can see a clit the size of a pea ready to be exposed). That's it, yawn. This movie was terrible in nearly every way. Where Volume 1 used fresh girls, Volume 3 relied on retreads and hardened sexcare workers. The setups in each scene, to a T, were lame, lazy and lousy. The editing and camera work was equally inept. And really, outside of Elena, there was a total lack of real eroticism and the scenes were akin to sportfucking which isn't what I look for in a porn video today. With the garish condoms, the lack of facials and the silicone overkill the raincoater is not well served either. I won't be fooled again Vivid, so fuck you Steve Hirsch and Robby D. A Raylene anal scene won't be the price of admission the next time. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Torris "I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on" [Link] |
| sonic Deactivated User 1178 Posts 12/99 | Posted - Apr 18 2000 : 3:14PM Though I admit..I enjoyed today A.S.S #3..it was hot..but this guy with the camera is WANNABE STAGLIANO! Sorry dude, but you cannot mimic the best of the best! [Link] |
| sonic Deactivated User 1178 Posts 12/99 | Posted - Apr 18 2000 : 5:49PM I agree with you on chapter 5 of A.S.S.#3..the little biatch that ran for cover like a little..biatch. Left Emilia with her HUGE clit all alone..damn I never seen such a huge clit on a chic on my tv screen, it's the size of half my thumb! She comes out in Lewd Conduct #2. Though I haven't seen that one yet. Here's hoping she puts that juicy big perky clit in good use. The dudes are dicks man. I mean they think they are actually funny talking about dick and ass on front of her trying to say stupid kid shit games behind her back just because she doesn't understand english and the meanings of those words. What fucking kindergarden jabronies. It sickens me that Emilia wasted her time having sex with that wannabe crackhead. [Link] |
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