1. Porn is best watched alone. Tastes are so individual that the only way to successfully get one for someone else is not to. Watching it with someone else {unless it’s a frat brother or a friend of a different sexual orientation) is only going to lead to A. Sex, if you’re lucky or B. Someone walking out of the room in embarrassment or disgust. Here’s the test: if they don’t want to come to the store with you to choose it, they’re probably not going to like it, which leads to the next rule.
2. Don’t buy porn for people who haven’t seen it before (i.e. your wife) unless it’s a gag gift. Any adult who has never seen a porno, not even accidentally, has been actively avoiding it and doesn’t want to see it. It’s the 21st century--porno is everywhere. Even those who choose to avoid it are more likely than not to have accidentally seen it: walked in on someone watching it; popped in the wrong tape at a friend’s house; typed in “whitehouse.com” instead of “whitehouse.gov”; any of a number of ways. Unless the person you’re buying for gives you specifics, don’t expect them to like it.
3. Porno does not have anywhere near the cinematic quality of a standard Hollywood movie. The vast majority of porn has the quality of a home video. This is not an exaggeration. Don’t go into the porn room with high expectations, no matter what the box says. The porn videos with the highest production values are one level below a substandard 90’s music video. DO NOT believe those people who talk about the “Golden Age” where “porno movies actually had plots.” Those people are in love with their *memories* of those movies, not the reality of them. If you watch Behind the Green Door or Deep Throat after The Godfather or Star Wars, you’ll laugh at the very idea of comparing pornos to real cinema. If you’re looking for “something erotic for your spouse, but not too hardcore/too slutty/too graphic,” then leave the porn room and rent one of the following: Crash The Unbearable Lightness of Being Breaking the Waves Legends of the Fall Frankie and Johnny Mulholland Drive Damage 9 1/2 Weeks Last Tango in Paris Wild Orchid
Porno reaches for one emotion: horniness. That simple. The emotional range is not even wide enough to include lust or desire. The question to ask yourself is, “Do I want to watch people performing sex acts?” If the answer is “Yes,” then go for it knowing that’s all you’ll find.
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Posted - Jul 11 2002 : 9:49AM
Yeah, but home videos can be far more entertaining than many Hollywood movies. Porn directors have a lot more leeway to do things hollywood directors can't (like the box of cheesy poofs in DMJ 6.)Some of it. Much of it makes me laugh (which is either the result or the cause of other emotions.) There are some great intentional porn comedies, and some hilarious unintentional porn comedies.
The rawness of porn (versus the "polish" of hollywood) is what makes it entertaining beyond jackoff material.
Although I don't agree with these guidelines entirely, they do merit some consideration. Mainly I'd just like to address this final point:I think this is true for average porn. But not all porn is average. The best porn goes beyond horniness, beyond lust and desire even, to love and passion. I might not recommend this DVD to a typical beginner (because of the undeniable emphasis on playfully rough anal sex), but check out John and Tricia's scene in Buttman's Toy Stories for the perfect example.
Except that many people are just nervous about going to a store to help you choose it. I admit that this is not a large number, but many people who are first interested in porn are a little embarrassed or shy and I think many of them would rather have it picked out for them by somebody who has an idea as to what they'd like. Broad generalization here, but I think this especially goes for most women when they start due to the stereotypical image of the guys in the sex store of porn section of the video store.So if somebody had a very sheltered childhood, seems interested, but is a little nervous or scared to take that first step, you should let them lose out rather than sharing something you think they might like. There's a lot of mainstream movies out there that border on porn (such as the list you included), which might open their minds to porn by people like Michael Raven, Antonio Passolini, Nic Andrews, and Jonathan Morgan. People often do better when they're not having others looking down at them for not having the same experiences as them.Attitudes like this I think are a big part what keeps porn at that level. When people keep emphasizing the negative and bottom of the barrel, many coming in will think that's all they should aim for. Rather than pointing out the high points in porn, such as many of the golden age titles, the aforementioned Raven, Morgan, Andrews, and Passolini and making them strive for the best, attitudes like this make people aim for the worst. Although there are some things porn has more leeway with (such as the Cheesy Poofs Steph mentioned), it also has a lot more limitations put on it than the mainstream movies for what can be done, are done on a shoestring budget over a few days, and are much more limited as to where they can be distributed, shown, etc. The cast are basically hired to fuck rather than act, and there are quite a few out there who can do both very well. Check out Michael Raven's Flash , which was about one step above most of the features you mentioned and done with a fraction of the budget.Then why is the idea of "couples porn" to be for something to watch with a loved one? Yes, it's partially for getting in the mood, but many couples also watch it to get new ideas. Why is one of the first things people mention about Jonathan Morgan's features that you'll laugh your ass off?
I'll agree with YogaGrrl that you have a few points here worth considering, but they also seem to be done with the same line of thought as judging all black people as Rodney King, all Islamic people as Osama Bin Ladens, and all white people as guests on the Jerry Springer Show.
Porn is the purest documentry form. It hides nothing, it promises nothing. I'd sure like a $50.000.000.00 porno budget though, keep guys like Lucas honest. Flying, sucking, throbbing, oooozzzzing, laser guided pussy everywhere. OOOOOoooo,,,,yeyh..Do you think this helped the question? Nighty, Night, CRASHHHHH...
Cal Somewhere. out of the bay, it happens.... eventually................
It's weird now looking at the responses to one of my first posts (if not my first) now that I know better all the posters who responded.
BTW, Astro, it's not my "attitude" that most porn does not have Hollywood cinematic quality; it is a fact. [50 out of 11000 a year = minority.] I am fully aware that if Michael Raven or Jonathan Morgan had a $50 million budget that they could make something better than Poison Ivy 2 or Monkeybone. But they don't have $50M, they have about a 200th of that. My purpose in writing these rules was to help people trying to buy a first porno, to give them the reality so that they can have as much info as possible when taking that step. Many people unfamiliar with porn think that they're Hollywood movies with explicit sex (like the infamous Friday Night B-movies on Cinemax.) I want them to be cleansed of that notion. I also think that recommending titles, alone, isn't as helpful as giving newbies tools for making their own decisions.
-- No hay mejor aderezo que la carne encima del hueso.
They probably need an IMHO disclaimer somewhere in there. "Rules" sounds kind of authoritative, and personally, I don't agree with some of the rules--and I'm the one who tends to be an ambassador of porn and "teaching people how to fish" for it.
Actually, Saki, I've thought the exact same thing about the word "Rules". Any alternatives? I've considered "Guidelines" and "Hints", but "Rules" seems more of a "grabber" opening.
How about instead of "watching alone", looking at is as an opportunity to explore together as significant others. If you end up watching it alone all the time, won't it get lonely?
This topic is duplicated in the Lighter Side forum. Since the discussion seems to have really taken off there in the last couple days, I'm going to go ahead and lock this thread, and encourage those interested in participating to check out this one. :) Just don't want to have two duplicate disussions happening.
Posted - Jul 11 2002 : 12:40AM