Introducing Kalani Luana| Author | Post |
|---|---|
| biggun Member outthere 67 Posts 7/00 |  Posted - Sep 3 2001 : 1:49AMokay, long time no venture in here. well, i just found out the first piece of bad news in my current relationship. this guy an di have fantastic sex and i thought we were completely compatible until tonight when he dropped the bombshell. curious if there is a way i can change his mind or make him see things differently or if i should just drop the whole subject and just enjoy what i have with him. well, i was feeling a little frisky while talking with him on the phone and of course the conversation turned a little x rated. turns out that he doesnt like talking like that. so that brought up the next subject matter--kinkiness. my guy feels that using something kinky or enjoying it is a sign that your partner is not doing their job and arousing you--that you need outside stimulation in order to get turned on or enjoy sexual things. so that means he would never watch porn with me, never want to videotape or even see pictures of me naked. nothing kinky--outside sex, public sex, not wearing any panties, talking about sex and telling him what i want to do to him or want him to do to me, handcuffs, lotions, etc. he doesnt even like for me to use the word fucking. (can i say f*ck in here???). for him, he feels that is dirty and just a physical thing. he can never have just physical sex with someone he cares about but he can fuck someone he doesnt care about. for him, doing kiny things would shift me from the person he cares about to the nonimportant fling thing. he feels that if i use those things that it shows that i dont care about him or that i cant get aroused by him. is there a way i can show him that uding these things or being like that is just a form of foreplay for me and arouses me???? i have tried explaining it to him but he just gets defensive and angry and thinks i am trying to change him (i guess i am in a way???). this is the first (and hopefully only) disagreement we have ever had but i consider it a pretty major one since it is a big incompatibility. any suggestions about what to do??? talk to him again at a different time? reserve my kinkiness to when i am alone? just chalk it up to the one bad thing about him and get over it??? sigh..... at a loss here folks and i know you guys come up with some good suggestions. hoping you can help a poor girl out :(  [Link] |
| Evil_Rip Senior Member Power overwhelming 1117 Posts 12/99 | Posted - Sep 3 2001 : 7:15AM I love it when YOU talk dirty to me. YOU make me so horny when YOu... or whatever.. instead of focusing on I.. and yoruself.. to get him use to the idea of this "kinky" suff use the word YOU. That way he'll actually feel like he's doing that. Men almost never change... Evil_RIP  [Link] |
| diver Member Tenn. 39 Posts 1/01 | Posted - Sep 3 2001 : 7:29AM Of course, I'm a guy doing all this talking but I like the kink and just when I thought I would never find a lady who was ok with various things, voila' !!!!.... there she comes. and cums, and cums. My personality has become more open with her and we enjoy all the phone sex, dirty talk, occasional dildos, etc. It is really just a normal thing to grow in these areas and it is sad that some just aren't allowing the fertilizer to reach their roots. If your guy is turned off by this, then his interest is not in pleasing you and that incompatibility issue is a very LARGE one and your sexuality should not have to suffer this setback. If you could get him to participate just one time in some of your kinky stuff, and see how turned on you get, maybe... just maybe.... but then again, his hangup is knowing you developed this taste with someone else. That may well be his main obstacle. [Link] |
| Janitor Retired Porno movies, sexy videos, xxx. Adult DVD Talk at your service. 6409 Posts 11/99 | Posted - Sep 3 2001 : 8:12AM no man is perfect. i wouldn't give up over an initial incompatibility. i disagree with evil (only on his last line) - men can change. do you think he's more afraid of kinkiness, or that he alone can't please you? sounds like he feels inadequate. i have a vague recollection of reading some book about men having an inate desire to put their girlfriends/wives on a pedestal - to basically give them goddess status. maybe when the word fuck comes out of your mouth, it affects your goddess status? of course if this is the problem, how's he going to handle you going to the bathroom or queefing (sp)? how long have you been with him? maybe over time he will get more comfortable with your wild side. [Link] |
| Michael Saint Photographer Alexis Texas is always lovely 1062 Posts 2/01 | Posted - Sep 3 2001 : 10:38AM Steph is right in one regard that men tend to put the women we love on pedestals but I am not sure that is your friends problem (if it can be called that). He seems to have a very set belief system in this area and a logical reason for feeling the way he does. Though I disagree with her in the "men can change" opinion depending on this guys age. The older I get the more I feel I am less likely to change any of my behavior to accomadate another person. Probably why I will never get married. My suggestion is to try and find out where his opinion comes from. Has he had a bad experience, his parents what? That should be able to tell you if you can change his mind or not. If his opinion comes from a bad experience then it is a matter of trust between you and him and you can work on that. Though if it is something he has grown up believeing then IMHO you will have to learn to deal with this loss or find a new man since those beliefs tend to be very well ingrained and not very changeable. [Link] |
| biggun Member outthere 67 Posts 7/00 | Posted - Sep 3 2001 : 4:33PM p.s. steph--he is 27 and divorced so i think that he may be set in his ways but he handles a lot of other "natural" aspects of life with me well. who knows?!?!?! [Link] |
| dumblonde Senior Member 2352 Posts 7/00 | Posted - Sep 3 2001 : 9:45PM Hey biggun, good to hear from ya! Of course everyone's bullshit tolerance threshold is different, and I have a very low one, but I suggest strapping on a big dildo to loosen him up a little, sounds like he needs it. Where did you find this jerk? To be honest, I've never known anyone so rigidly opposed to those things you mentioned, and they're not even all that kinky. But DON'T bring it up again! Continue posing as his 'ideal woman' until you can run for your life, he sounds like a serial killer - Sorry to sugarcoat it [Link] |
| tricia_devereaux Evil Angel DVD Patience is a virtue, but who wants to be virtuous? 4283 Posts 4/00 | Posted - Sep 3 2001 : 10:06PM Guys AND girls rarely completely change, at least not deep down. Even those that do change may someday end up resenting it, but there are the rare times that someone realizes that they like the change in themselves. If you're willing to risk losing him, maybe play it cool for a little bit, and then someday talk about something pretty tame while you two are being intimate. Maybe something like you were thinking of him when you were on the elevator that day and you had fantasized that he was there with you and things got hot. Make the story your own, but you get the idea. See how he reacts to something tame like this. I don't know what the steps should be, but follow your instincts. For someone as deeply sexual as you seem to be, a conflict such as this one that lasts for a long time could be a relationship killer. Even if you decide to change and tame down for him, then there's the chance that you'll end up resenting him. [Link] |
astroknight  Questionable Moderator Tastes so good... 4187 Posts 11/99 | Posted - Sep 6 2001 : 12:18AM I have to agree with many of the others, normally people don't change (and that's not to say that it's impossible). I hope you can make him see the likght, but normally when people get ot that age with those opinions, they don't change. [Link] |
| -lunacy- Senior Member 1081 Posts 4/00 | Posted - Sep 6 2001 : 11:50AM No to sound cold, but maybe you should be looking for greener grass. Dosn't sound like he's got much apptitude for stretch . [Link] |
| Use the code below to link to this topic or a specific post. |
| URL of this thread |
| Link to this post with HTML |
| Link to this post with Forum Code |
