Since joining ADT shortly after its inception, I've averaged a blistering 1.2 posts per month, most of which were submitted years ago, and even then to Story Time (you know, the ghetto forum). I've since lurked around the various topics and threads, and have come to understand that there's much for me to learn.
My apologies in advance for the lengthy nature of this particular post. It appears that I've been saving up. Feel free to read all, some or none of the items below. I just thought I'd share what I've recently learned from pornography in general, and from ADT in particular.
Almost every pornstar in Los Angeles is a potential murder suspect
Each night when I pray for the health of my family and a hand job from Bree Olson, I ask God to watch over the safety of this house's occupants. If a violent crime should ever occur there, it may take an infinite number of crime scene investigators an infinite number of years to process all the DNA that's lying around the place. And for the peace of mind of the people who live there, I hope they never succumb to the temptation of turning on a black light in the living room, which will surely look like a glow in the dark Jackson Pollack painting. Or the roadmap to every spermophobe's worst nightmare.
Psst...I'm starting a rumor that Sharon Mitchell is demanding to stop by once a month to take a sample from the couch just so people can continue to fuck on it. Pass it a long.
No matter how many times I masturbate to her, I still won't know what Stoya's name means
There's been some speculation as to the derivation of Stoya's name. I'm certain that it's eastern European, and even though I'm terrible with languages, I feel pretty strongly that it means "Holy shit, I think I want to fuck Stoya!" What? That doesn't make any sense to you? Then we must agree to disagree.
And even though it's highly unlikely that it appears as such on her birth certificate, I've begun referring to her vagina as Little Debbie. Why? Because it's as moist as a snack cake and I want to eat it.
Sex smells like a drunken flower shop
Stay with me on this. According to his description, Jean Paul Gaultier's perfume appeals to the olfactories with notes of rum, roses, bourbon and daffodils. Tricia Devereaux wears John Paul Gaultier's perfume. Tricia Devereaux is also sexy. Therefor, through the transitive properties of sex, sexiness smells like the combination of summer flowers and the kind of liquor I used to mix with Coke. Personally, my nose isn't that sensitive, as all perfume smells to me like either old ladies or pretty ones. That said, I think we can agree that Ms. Devereaux belongs to the latter caste. But what this really means to you and me is that a trip to the fragrance counter at Macys and the online purchase of a sex doll can make for an interesting weekend when combined with just the right amount of imagination.
Our founding fathers don't give a shit what you think
Within the past month, members have been deactivated for general douchery, and on their way out the door have collectively chanted the common mantra of web board assholes everywhere, "So, whatever happened to free speech?"
Free speech is in the same place it has always been - in the mouths of the people who choose to express it. But free speech isn't necessarily the same thing as a free pass. If you come to a party at my house and act like a dick, I can kick you out and still keep my ACLU membership. Parties at Steph and Drew's house, apparently and logically, follow rules of behavior that are no less lenient. Besides, I suspect their parties have better weed than mine, but just as many Velveeta based finger foods.
College didn't do much to improve my vocabulary
I've discovered that the following words, phrases and concepts have been introduced into informal American discourse: Quagging, Dirty Ass to Mouth, Nasal Sex, and Bloody Pussy Porn. Additionally, all of them make it difficult for me to obtain erections and keep down solid food. If I were forced, gun to my head, to pick a favorite, it would have to be Dirty Ass to Mouth, but only because it makes me think of the good old days when ass to mouth was squeaky clean and lemon scented.
Not being one to sit something like this out, I offer the following neologisms for future consideration:
Am-Pro Pornography: A cousin to the Pro-Am genre, this new classification of porn is produced by amateurs who have mistaken themselves for professionals. Such productions are characterized by audio recorded with the camera's internal microphone, thus making the performers inaudible, even as the camera operator sounds like the mouth breathing voice of God. Other characteristics include: annoying wide angled auto-focused camera work, DVD menus built with Roxio's Easy Media Creator, and pre-scene interviews that begin with, "So, what's your name?"
Meta-Screwing: The kind of screwing a consumer gets when buying Am-Pro Pornography (see above) or anything ever distributed by Leisure Time.
Copulatory Dissonance: (1) The psychological impact made by that which shouldn't get you off, but does anyway. Like, say, nasal sex or Charlotte Rampling in The Night Porter. (2) The juxtaposition of two unexpected pornographic elements in the same scene; often characterized by the approach of director Brandon Iron who speaks softly, but carries a big dick.
Stormy Daniels will soon be guest hosting Good Morning, Chattanooga
Al Sharpton is throwing himself in front of fewer TV cameras these days than Stormy Daniels, surprising if only because Sharpton's tits are every bit as big as hers. Having recently accepted the newly established Crossover award at this year's AVNs, Stormy even found herself on stage during the only moment of the evening the mainstream press cared to mention - Jenna Jameson's retirement. Since then, she's been the subject of a press release announcing that she'd scored a ticket to the Grammys and thusly appeared on The Tonight Show, The Late Late Show, CBS News, Jimmy Kimmel, MTV, and the E! Network. Upcoming appearances may also include an infomercial for a vacuum that cuts hair, whatever new thing Byron Allen is trying to syndicate and a guest appearance on Sesame Street where she was called in as a last minute replacement for the letter "Q."
While all this is well and good for Stormy, my Tivo's hard drive is now filling up in inverse proportion to my favorite bottle of lube.