We’ve heard all the arguments before: it’s degrading, dirty, cheesy, and altogether in very bad taste. For all these reasons, many straight women aren’t down with porn movies. But isn’t it also possible that the clincher is the lack of yummy male performers — guys worth fantasizing about?

Any of you who’ve watched porn know that there are a wide variety of ugly men in porn, from the badly-groomed hirsute type in 70s-era porn to today’s gym-addicted, over-cut performer who has been waxed, buffed and polished within an inch of his life. Nothing makes us hit the fast-forward button quicker than a guy with eighties-rocker hair and too much jewellery. The gay porn genre seems exempt from this problem — luckily for those of us who enjoy all-male action — but that’s poor consolation for those among us who are looking for hot, het, on-screen sex.

So: are there attractive men in straight porn? We, your fearless authors, scoured the triple-x video stores for titles with potential, and sat ourselves down for an all-night porn-fest, in a quest for men who give off genuine heat. What we found wasn’t all that encouraging (although at the very least it may serve as a cautionary guide to which actors to avoid), with one or two notable exceptions. We’ve based our ratings (from one to five stars) on some characteristics that we felt are worth mentioning and work either to compliment or to the detriment of the performers. Plot (or obvious lack thereof) we have refused to comment upon, for what are probably very obvious reasons to those of you who watch porn.

Anthony Crane (1 star)

Seen in: "Beast"
On the upside: There is no upside here.
Points off for: Really bad hair — thinning, with a receding hairline, and should be shaved off or clipped; should never have been given a lead role, because he lacks charisma; wears an awful bandanna throughout most of the film, which makes him look like Steve van Zandt; pasty white-boy body (which might account for why he keeps his t-shirt on in his one sex scene); and most unfortunately, his mouth hangs open while fucking.
Not necessarily his fault: Has a crazy, mirror-punching, screaming scene; sports a terrible fake scar that looks like he spilled glue on his cheek.
Could be good, could be bad: Dick has a mushroom-shaped head.
In sum: Oh, the humanity! Overacting + lack of physical appeal = big zero, baby.

Joel Lawrence (2.5 stars)

Seen in: "Objects of Desire"
On the upside: Good hair; not a bad physique overall; gets his whole mouth in on oral action; manages to deliver the line, “I’ll pretend that I’m a woman,” with a straight face.
Points off for: Out-of control pubic hair; unattractive dick; face of a guy who in Hollywood, would get stuck playing thug roles (pseudo-prize fighters and Russian mafia men); isn’t sure where to put his hands; gets a little waylaid by overly-tentative tongue flicking in his oral scene; bad with boobs.
In sum: The Gary Busey of porn. Looks like he’d be happier cleaning his guns.

Alec Metro (1 star)

Seen in: "Beast"
See him for yourself at: http://search.excaliburfilms.com/pornlist/malepgs/alecmetro.htm
On the upside: We got nothin’ to work with, here.
Points off for: Beefy; kinda pasty; bad, spiky hair with way too much gel; face of the average frat-boy — vaguely unattractive; bad head technique — uses way too much spit and laps like a dog; wrinkly ball sac; seems like a jerk.
In sum: Looks like he’s getting paid to date-rape his partner.

Mystery Guy (3 stars)

Seen in: "Beast" (unfortunately, we couldn’t tell which actor played this scene, so we can’t credit him by name)
On the upside: Vaguely cute: porn’s answer to Matthew Perry.
Points off for: No personality whatsoever — but then, he was playing a submissive.
Not necessarily his fault: Wears eyebrow makeup.
In sum: What do you get for the girl who has everything? This guy could make for a cute little pet.

Herschel Savage (2.5 stars)

Seen in: "Taken"
See him for yourself at: http://search.excaliburfilms.com/pornlist/malepgs/herschelsav.htm
On the upside: Nice physique — natural and not overly muscled; dick is fairly attractive (though huge, as you might expect); acting is okay, though here he only has to act like an average Joe.
Points off for: Playing Ginger Lynn’s grumpy, cheating husband; being a big lug; sneering, jowly fucking; cheesy hair.
Not necessarily his fault: The camera guy took too many shots looking up Herschel’s nostrils; he’s basically got this asshole kind of vibe (this could be the result of good acting).
In sum: The porn equivalent of the guys on The Sopranos.

Randy Spears (3.5 stars)

Seen in: "Taken"
See him for yourself at: http://search.excaliburfilms.com/pornlist/malepgs/randyspears.htm
On the upside: Looks like he’s paying attention to his partner’s clit; very attractive balls; nice body; lovely ass.
Points off for: Unconvincing dirty talk; hair gets badly messed and sweaty while fucking; another gold chain wearer.
Not necessarily his fault: Has his mask on crooked in a scene where he is obviously trying very hard to be serious.
Could be good, could be bad: Chest hair (Adrienne likes it; Olivia likes her men hairless).
In sum: Generic porn guy — not offensive, but not fabulous.

Colt Steele (1 star)

Seen in: "Objects of Desire"
See him for yourself at: http://search.excaliburfilms.com/pornlist/malepgs/Colt_Steele.htm
On the upside: Sadly, we can find nothing nice to say here.
Points off for: Facial hair and long ponytail make him look like he’s stuck in the 80s; weirdly compressed six-pack abs; veiny dick; finger-fucking technique consists of poking his finger in without enthusiasm or care; perfunctory and badly-aimed head technique (didn’t even touch her clit!); pubic stubble.
In sum: If he would cut his hair, he could have a decent career as a gay-bar go-go dancer. He doesn’t belong in porn.

Lexington Steele (4 stars)

Seen in: "Taken"
See him for yourself at: http://search.excaliburfilms.com/pornlist/malepgs/Lexington_Steele.htm
On the upside: Stunningly beautiful ass; lovely body, smoothly muscled; baldness avoids the whole hair issue.
Points off for: Bad, wispy moustache.
Could be good, could be bad: Cock is frighteningly large (even for porn); luckily he helps by holding the base so his partner doesn’t have to take the whole thing in.
In sum: His ass is worth three stars all by itself (no kidding!). There’s potential for upward mobility here, but we didn’t get to see as much of him as we’d like. If you’re looking for the prettiest guy in porn, he’s probably it.

Evan Stone (4.5 stars)

Seen in: "Taken", "Beast"
See him for yourself at: http://www.evanstone.com/
On the upside: Lovely smile, which he shows fairly often; has the confidence to appear on-screen in a flaccid state; nice chest; looks like a fantastic tit-sucker; actually looks at his partner during sex; gives great, genuine head (not just perfunctory tongue-flicks); nice big hands (well-trimmed fingernails, too) and uses them well; able to deliver the line, “Two ex-French-paratroopers are guarding the house right now,” (Taken) without cracking up; provided his partner with what we believe to be the only authentic female orgasm all night. We could see why Nina Hartley said that while working with him, she “[kept] fucking in between takes because [we were] having too much fun to stop.”
Points off for: Looking basically Cro-Magnon, with a low forehead and really long hair; is the porn equivalent of Fabio; needs conditioner (in a bad, bad way); sports a chunky gold bracelet in Beast.
Not necessarily his fault: Wears awful, blousy shirts in both movies.
Could be good, could be bad: Nipples point down; chin cleft; dick is of staggering proportions, even for porn — erect, it reaches his navel.
In sum: Despite looking like the guy on the cover of every bodice-ripper around (we would love it if he would cut his hair!), he looks like a great lay — and we can’t honestly say that about any of these other guys.

Kyle Stone (half star)

Seen in: "Objects of Desire"
See him for yourself at: http://search.excaliburfilms.com/pornlist/malepgs/Kyle_Stone.htm
On the upside: Appears in only one scene.
Points off for: Absolutely the most hideous man we’ve ever seen in porn; hair looks like a toupee; flabby body; creepy, veiny dick; geeky voice; ball sac is oddly shaped, making it look like he has one gigantic testicle.
In sum: Clearly a sympathy case on the part of the director — why else would he have been cast? Avoid at all costs.

Lee Stone (1 star)

Seen in: "Beast"
On the upside: Nada.
Points off for: Hormone-enriched — overly muscular; veiny, humongous cock (it matches the rest of him); lockjaw.
Not necessarily his fault: What’s up with all these guys having the same last name?
In sum: Take it back to the gym, buddy.

Tyler Woods (aka: The Pool Boy) (2 stars)

Seen in: "Taken"
On the upside: Okay physique; has nipple rings and both ears pierced.
Points off for: Basically scarily sleazy-looking; bad, overly gelled hair; gold chain; looks like he’s in pain during the cocksucking portion of his scene; the vibrator from Ginger Lynn’s solo scene had more personality.
Could be good, could be bad: Seriously shaved; dick has a major upward curve.
In sum: Meh.

Well, there you have it, folks. By the end of the evening, I think we would have considered giving points to anyone who’s name was more creative than Stone or Steele (or Woods, Spears etc.; we get the symbolism okay? No need to beat us over the head with it!). Eyes swimming and brains woozy from too much fast forwarding, we have crafted this little slice of criticism to save our porn-watching peers some hours of up-the-nose shots, diffident sex, bad hair, and tit fumbling. We are so selfless. The quest for the attractive man in straight porn continues…

Courtesy of Soapboxgirls

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