Why do people have fetishes?

Author	Post
rwmoose Deactivated User 77 Posts 2/09	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 1:40PM I have a big oral fetish - swallowing and deepthroating in particular. When I am watching scenes I am not logically reasoning with myself trying get aroused... it just happens. I remember reading something awhile back where Rodney Moore was saying that he preferred swallowing because it is more intimate than facials to him, and that the girl actually takes apart of you into her body and accepts him. Maybe theres some truth to that, because when I see a girl deepthroat(not just taking a cock deep into her mouth, but when it actually breaks the barrier and slides into her throat i get aroused). Anyway, I was reading some of my psychology coursework and Freud was talking about anal-retentive and oral expulsive personalities. Maybe that has something to do with it. Any ideas? [Link]
ilovemichaelstefano Member 28 Posts 5/09	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 1:44PM I have no theories, I get very turned on when I am desperate to pee and like watching desperation videos. I would love to pee on a guy when he is inside me, I have no idea where this comes from. On the otherhand I hate watching deep throating, I have a very sensitive gag reflex. [Link]
Dubious_Leftovers Senior Member And on that fateful day, the hatred consumed me... 1423 Posts 3/09	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 1:56PM Generally, in some cases it could be the first thing that you find sexually stimulating in your formative years... which could be anything. From there on, you may find that particular stimulus exciting throughout your life. Also, a fetish could be borne from a social or sexual taboo when one becomes older, which may have more to do with re-enacted social situations recreated in S&M environments (the whole "slave" and "master" thing are based on learnt societal interactions for example). It's very complex, with loads of variants, but I'm not in the mood to hypothesise too much right now... [Link]
JohnHenry Member 165 Posts 3/09	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 2:08PM Moose, I had similar fetishes, re deepthroating and swallowing. Today, it's barely interesting to me. What I finally realized, was that I enjoyed dominating my partner sexually, and that her willingness to go a lot further than the average blowjob was an expression of her submission. Once I learned the psychological underpinnings of my fetish, the fetish itself seemed to be a lot less important than the causes, and I've learned to enjoy a much broader spectrum of sexual interaction. Regards, John [Link]
RandomPrecision Senior Member Enjoy! 8175 Posts 3/06	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 2:36PM I think we have sexual fetishes (Or interests or whatever you want to call them) for the same reason some people like seafood and others don't. Reason being, who fucking knows? Maybe we shouldn't want to know. Maybe if you knew why your fetish turns you on it would ruin it. [Link]

ninja1 Senior Member 2939 Posts 1/08	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 3:07PM RandomPrecision wrote: Maybe we shouldn't want to know. Maybe if you knew why your fetish turns you on it would ruin it. Click to expand I'd sometimes like to "ruin" my fetish, because it is virtually impossible to find. Or maybe switch to a different fetish that is more prevalent in porn. Such as a "girls with 1 nose" fetish. [Link]
RandomPrecision Senior Member Enjoy! 8175 Posts 3/06	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 3:20PM ninja1 wrote: I'd sometimes like to "ruin" my fetish, because it is virtually impossible to find. Or maybe switch to a different fetish that is more prevalent in porn. Such as a "girls with 1 nose" fetish. Click to expand I think most people with any kind of unusual interest or fetish would probably agree with that sentiment but when you really think about it, how sure are you that you wouldn't be a completely different person without your fetish? Are you sure you'd like being someone else? How much of you is there in your fetish? [Link]
rwmoose Deactivated User 77 Posts 2/09	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 5:22PM I have just started reading up on psychology so my understand is very elementary. From what I have been reading so far it reminds me of the id, ego , and super-ego...when the id cant be pleased it gets the ego to find a alternative to the original desire. Kind of like what ninja1 is doing. JohnHenry why did u go through the efforts to trying to pinpoint the origins of your fetish? Were you filling unfulfilled? Do you think people with oral fetishes (in general) have issues with domination? [Link]
jayo All-Star Member 2117 Posts 7/04	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 6:16PM Most people have something special that rings their bell. Mine's nipple sucking, preferably on busty women, but it doesn't have to be. I don't know why. I link it with the same wiring that makes me find women attractive, and likes the color blue, and certain kinds of music, and so forth. I don't know why, I'm just wired that way. [Link]
jettyman Member No matter what size the tits are....play with them.... 732 Posts 12/08	Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 6:27PM I don't quite know what happens in our bodies and brains, but when we do or see something that gives you a sexual rush/high or urge, it sure does feel good and you want to do it again. What locks us on to a certain action, that we get sexual gratification from it is unknown to me as well, but I know what I like. Like many fetishes it's one mans meat is another mans poison, it's often been said "what is he/she getting out of that". I will be honest with you I like mainstream sex movies with any boy/girl numbers involved, but one thing I like to see (and do, btw) is tit slapping. I know some people might not like it or find it degrading, but it's an urge I get and I don't know why, but I do get a thrill out of it. Well that's my view on fetishes for what it's worth.........And I'm going to blame Steve Holmes for my tit slapping fetish......That's my excuse anyway. . [Link]
BumBum Member 395 Posts 1/07	Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 9:02AM This is a great topic. Why do I have a spanking fetish? My life might be easier if I didn't. Maybe not. I'm glad to know, though, that it is a fetish shared by many others, judging from how much material is available online. If we could get answers to the fundamental question of why we have fetishes, perhaps we could get insight into why people have compulsions which drive them to commit illegal acts, such as child porn. Perhaps those tortured souls could be helped, and the victims along with them. [Link]
NewRomancer Deactivated User under THEIR avatar 738 Posts 7/08	Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 9:58AM Why do people anything? Cause that's what people do.... [Link]
markaudess Marie Madison Media 68 Posts 2/04	Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 12:30PM I'm inclined to agree that it happens in the formative years. Back in 'the day', when I used to edit content for David Slaughter, he told me that the most popular fetishes take place at ground level - feet, shoes, stockings, panties... So that makes all kinds of sense to me. Myself, I have a smoking fetish, love to see hot girls smoking, and preferably fucking, and while in recent years, that fetish niche seems to have all but died out - it's nearly impossible to find good smoking fetish anymore, even Marie (Madison) doesn't shoot it anymore, it's still the thing that 'gets' me. I'm pretty sure my own smoking fetish comes from my teen years, when my first big 'crush' was a 16 year old who smoked, and myself being raised a Jehovah's Witness, my overly sheltered childhood gave me the double whammy of linking my first hard on to the sights and smells of cigarette smoke. And I was like 15, or so. For whatever reason, a fetish develops from our brains making a sexual connection to things that are inherently NOT sexual, and I think it can happen at any age. - Mark Audess Maddy G Productions [Link]
echoplex Member 197 Posts 9/08	Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 6:39PM I've theorized a few times myself, but each time it only seemed to intensify it. I don't think it would change a thing, even if I knew exactly why. I think it's better to save the headache and not ask questions. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 8:07PM I understand my fetish. I'm reasonably certain I know when it started, why it started, and why it persists. Knowing doesn't change anything and doesn't help with the frustration of dealing with it one single bit. [Link]

jayo All-Star Member 2117 Posts 7/04	Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 9:45PM Kimi Lixx wrote: I understand my fetish. I'm reasonably certain I know when it started, why it started, and why it persists. Click to expand Is there a way you can throw some light on the subject without violating your privacy? [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 9:51PM jayo wrote: Is there a way you can throw some light on the subject without violating your privacy? Click to expand Depends on which particulars you're interested in. I won't go into specific detail about any of it, but some areas are more open than others. [Link]
Lezasslickfan Member 407 Posts 6/09	Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 11:45PM yea, i have one big fetish and that is lesbian rimming. Maybe its cuz my favorite feature of a woman is her ass and i love to watch another girl lick it. [Link]
RandomPrecision Senior Member Enjoy! 8175 Posts 3/06	Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 12:05AM frank123 wrote: lesbian rimming Click to expand I can't say for sure but you're probably going to be a pretty unhappy individual if this is your main sexual interest. I have only seen this done well and enthusiastically a small number of times. Most of the time, the women are obviously not only not into it but so repelled by it that it's written all over their faces. Frequently, the tongue doesn't even contact any part of the ass. Often, women who will swallow loads with a genuine smile just won't do this. [Link]
rwmoose Deactivated User 77 Posts 2/09	Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 12:50AM Kimi Lixx wrote: jayo wrote: Is there a way you can throw some light on the subject without violating your privacy? Click to expand Depends on which particulars you're interested in. I won't go into specific detail about any of it, but some areas are more open than others. Click to expand I can fully respect your decision to keep your fetish private. (I was thinking that maybe you especially want to that because you are public figure) But I can relate because as I was typing in my fetish for a few moments I hesitated. Maybe that restraint came over me because I am not used to communicating explicitly about sexual things, but I think more likely it was because my fetish is closely tied to who i am at my core. I felt vulnerable. [Link]
Goodspeed Member Squirt Aficionado 697 Posts 3/09	Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 12:23PM My first girlfriend was a squirter. Nothing major except for a little leakage here and there, usually from cowgirl or doggy. I guess she just had sensitive vaginal muscles or something. It was before I even knew it was such a big subgenre in porn because I was only limited Vivid or Digital Playground movies. My friends didn't even know what it was back then so my discovery of it was from her. She was also my first sexual partner so since then I just thought it was a cool thing to get a girl to do or watch happen. I suppose a shrink would tell me this started as something I wanted recreate with every subsequent girl after her because I wanted to recreate our old relationship, which I guess is true and since that was also around the time I got into watching a lot of porn it's always been something I look for. [Link]
UnkwnUsr2 Member 443 Posts 2/05	Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 3:01PM From a science perspective AFAIK there's no consensus or even enough hard data on why people have the fetishes they have (unfortunately). There's a bit on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_fetishism#Psychological_origins_and_development . The Freud stuff isn't really something you should be looking at for guidance in the 21st century. Can't really hold up to modern psychology/neuroscience. The idea that a fetish is usually connected to some specific childhood event isn't actually that likely for most cases and more of an unsubstantiated run-of-the-mill theory grounded in fundamentalistic behaviorism. It doesn't make any more sense than the idea that all your food preferences somehow stem from childhood experiences where eating a certain food item correlated with some pleasurable emotion. A lot of it is genetics, hormones and brain development. Though of course you need to distinguish between something like necrophilia or pedophilia and a foot fetish or whatever, as well as different degrees of fetishism. [Link]
Dubious_Leftovers Senior Member And on that fateful day, the hatred consumed me... 1423 Posts 3/09	Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 7:37PM ^Okay, but the vast majority of the brain development happens at the childhood stage. It's the period where we learn the workings and physics of ourselves, our bodies and the whole world around us. Now as a young kid, I had very deep sexual feelings before I knew what was gay, straight or anything - I didn't know what a vagina was specifically- all I knew of it was that it was a hole that girls have in the same relative place boys have willies, and the purpose of both was to pee with... that is all... nothing sexual. The thing I fixated on at that early stage, was feminine legs/feet, and it's something that's stayed with me to a certain extent but of course been superceded by my sexual attractions to the primary sexual organs, which its sexual uses were LEARNT at a later stage and ingratiated into my sexual identity. The fact that the foot thing, I later found out wasn't a primary sexual organ leads its attraction to be labeled a fetish. Simple as that. What we're attracted to, we're attracted to. Its usage in a primary sexual sense dominates if it were to be considered a fetish or strange (e.g. balloons etc...) (What's above is my take on the childhood aspect, and doesn't address the adult societal aspect I mentioned earlier... that's a different thing again). [Link]
Loraine Senior Member 1559 Posts 3/04	Posted - Jun 9 2009 : 8:12AM There used to be a lovely but sadly now defunct site called Deviant Desires by researcher and author Katherine Gates - her book is still available. Her site had an interesting "map" that can still be seen here at another site. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jun 9 2009 : 9:17PM Loraine wrote: Her site had an interesting "map" that can still be seen here at another site. Click to expand Oh great, I looked at the map. I'm not on it. How messed up AM I? [Link]

jayo All-Star Member 2117 Posts 7/04	Posted - Jun 9 2009 : 9:45PM Kimi Lixx wrote: Depends on which particulars you're interested in. I won't go into specific detail about any of it, but some areas are more open than others. Click to expand I was purposely being vague so you could determine your own boundaries, but what I was getting at is this: the main question seems to be where do fetishes come from? You said you knew how yours developed. So I was curious: was it something you think you were born with that was developed by behavior, or something you learned? Was it something that was immediately gratifying, or was it an acquired taste? Do you think it was a healthy growth process, or something you are now stuck with whether you like it or not? I'm trying to walk the fine line between learning what you know, w/o crossing into particulars that you don't want to talk about. Edited by - jayo on 6/9/2009 9:46:51 PM [Link]
Loraine Senior Member 1559 Posts 3/04	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 2:08AM Kimi Lixx wrote: Loraine wrote: Her site had an interesting "map" that can still be seen here at another site. Click to expand Oh great, I looked at the map. I'm not on it. How messed up AM I? Click to expand You, my lovely, are special. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 2:21AM Loraine wrote: Her site had an interesting "map" that can still be seen here at another site. Click to expand I wonder how she developed her map. Anyway, interesting for me to see that "clothing" and "pleasure through pain" are right next to each other. [Link]
Loraine Senior Member 1559 Posts 3/04	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 10:47AM Hi Bob, it's a real shame her site went blank, it was quite wonderful. I don't remember how she put her research together. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 11:14AM jayo wrote: I was purposely being vague so you could determine your own boundaries, but what I was getting at is this: the main question seems to be where do fetishes come from? You said you knew how yours developed. So I was curious: was it something you think you were born with that was developed by behavior, or something you learned? Was it something that was immediately gratifying, or was it an acquired taste? Do you think it was a healthy growth process, or something you are now stuck with whether you like it or not? I'm trying to walk the fine line between learning what you know, w/o crossing into particulars that you don't want to talk about. Click to expand And I appreciate your respect for my boundaries more than you can imagine. I do not believe it was something I was born with. I can remember a time when my sexual fantasies (immature and unrealistic as they were) fell solidly within the "ordinary" stuff a young girl might think about. I have mentioned in other threads that I was an abused child. There was a particular act my abuser performed that was generally the culmination of an episode. Over 8 years of abuse, and thousands of episodes, I developed a "focus" on that culminating act. I am sure it originally just contained the knowledge that the unpleasantness was just about to be done with, but over time the 'looking forward to a lack of unpleasantness' transmuted into 'looking forward to pleasantness' and eventually, in my adult life and absent from the abuse, into pleasure in the act itself. It isn't healthy. I am stuck with it. I have tried to push it out of my mind. I have tried to decline the opportunity to indulge it. I have never been successful - not even once. If it's offered, I take it. Every time I am physically able to indulge in it (which is exceedingly rare - no more than a handful of times in 25 years), there is a heavy burden of guilt and shame and associated memory. Unfortunately, my sexual fantasy life revolves almost entirely around it - pretty much every time I masturbate it's there, even when I actively try to fantasize something else. I will say that I don't ever actively seek it or ask a partner to do it, but I think that is probably part of the fetish, rather than any kind of self-control on my part. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 11:15AM Loraine wrote: You, my lovely, are special. Click to expand Your avatar is special!!!!!! [Link]
TedtheBellhop Member 767 Posts 6/09	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 2:53PM In retrospect, my post was not appropriate for this thread. Edited by - TedtheBellhop on 6/11/2009 11:32:35 AM [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 3:39PM I'm beginning to have an idea about where my fetishy interest in BDSM comes from -- which for me is switchy, involving arousal from both dominance and submission. I have a very loud inner critic. As a consequence, I often experience myself in terms of a duality between my primary "acting self" and my secondary "self-observing and negatively-appraising self". People sometimes use the expressions "beating oneself up" and "struggling with oneself". I live with a persistent awareness of these psychological dynamics operating in an almost literal way. And so I contain within myself both sadist and masochist. The most fundamental S & M experience I have is the one going on inside -- the relationship between me and me. ------------------ Edited by - bob on 6/10/2009 9:06:34 PM [Link]
Ramsey Senior Member Trina Michaels fan 10332 Posts 10/02	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 4:10PM Because feet are the most beautiful bodypart on a woman? [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 6:06PM Kimi Lixx wrote: Every time I am physically able to indulge in it . . . there is a heavy burden of guilt and shame and associated memory. Unfortunately, my sexual fantasy life revolves almost entirely around it - pretty much every time I masturbate it's there, even when I actively try to fantasize something else. . . . I will say that I don't ever actively seek it or ask a partner to do it, but I think that is probably part of the fetish, rather than any kind of self-control on my part. Click to expand Issues of guilt and shame around fetishes can be huge. I don't want to invade your privacy, Kimi, but I have a question (if you don't mind answering): I know from your posts lately that you are very much in love. Can you discuss your fetish with your boyfriend -- not as a way of seeking it, but just as a way of airing it? If you can't, do you wish you could? (I'm not saying that you should discuss it -- or should want to -- I'm just asking.) [Link]

Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 6:27PM Bob wrote: I know from your posts lately that you are very much in love. Can you discuss your fetish with your boyfriend -- not as a way of seeking it, but just as a way of airing it? If you can't, do you wish you could? Click to expand Yes, I am No. I can't. Yes. I wish I could. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 9:34PM Thanks, Kimi. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 9:45PM Over the last couple of years, I've started to discuss my fetish interests with my wife more openly, but it can be excruciating. She's a fairly good listener (better and better all the time), so that's not the problem. I also don't think the problem arises because she doesn't share those interests. I believe it has more to do with my own feelings of exposure and vulnerability around such an intimate topic. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 12:26AM Bob wrote: I believe it has more to do with my own feelings of exposure and vulnerability around such an intimate topic. Click to expand I would be willing to tell him everything, except that I believe if he knew it would crush his sexual ego, perhaps to the point of being unable to perform at all. Since that is not desirable, I am keeping my fetish to myself. If it becomes less dangerous to tell him in the future, I will. [Link]
JohnHenry Member 165 Posts 3/09	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 12:33AM Hi Kimi, In my experience, and just in my experience, I've found that the more I try not to get my own fetishes met, the more I crave them. Sometimes just knowing I have the option to play the way I like to play is enough to satisfy me. We're fed the mistaken belief that relationships should never have hiccups, problems, or snags. Healthy relationships embrace compromise. Obviously, you know your man better than we do. Perhaps there's a way to share your fetish with him, without quite illustrating how deep it runs, and how important it is to you? Warm wishes, John [Link]
Harri Patel Senior Member #SDNY he's all yours. -- Michael Steele 5110 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 12:49AM Kimi Lixx wrote: It isn't healthy. I am stuck with it. I have tried to push it out of my mind. I have tried to decline the opportunity to indulge it. I have never been successful - not even once. If it's offered, I take it. Every time I am physically able to indulge in it (which is exceedingly rare - no more than a handful of times in 25 years), Click to expand Color me boggled. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 12:50AM JohnHenry wrote: Perhaps there's a way to share your fetish with him, without quite illustrating how deep it runs, and how important it is to you? Click to expand I already tested the waters with lighthearted suggestions of things similar in nature to my fetish. It didn't go over well. It's not going to happen, nothing even remotely related is going to happen, and that's just the way it is. It isn't the end of the world. I would be willing to give up sex entirely to be with this man, a limited sex life is a compromise I am willing to make. For what it's worth, I have always had to make sexual compromises in my relationships. Heck, I didn't have a single orgasm with my husband for the first two years of our marriage. It just isn't the end of the world. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 2:50AM Kimi Lixx wrote: I already tested the waters with lighthearted suggestions of things similar in nature to my fetish. It didn't go over well. Click to expand This resonated with me. I used to toss lighthearted suggestions too, and my wife would lightheartedly bat them away. It made me feel frustrated. In order not to feel completely bottled up, I eventually had to make my interests more explicit to her. Her initial reaction was extreme discomfort, but that lessened when she realized that I wasn't going to pressure her to act out my fantasies, that my more modest goal was simply to share them with her so that I wouldn't feel hidden. This more direct communication, which she then took up herself, has ultimately improved our sex life. She more into wearing provocative lingerie than she used to be and she sometimes lightly plays off my fetish interests with sexy talk during lovemaking. We are having more and hotter sex than at any time since the first year of our 23-year relationship. Bottom line, though, is that my wife isn't comfortable with BDSM scenarios, so we don't (and won't ever) play those games. I wish we did, but it's not going to happen. When it comes right down to it, though, my wife is much more important to me than my fetishes are, so a limited sex life is a compromise that I'm also willing to make. But it has taken me six years of internal and marital strife to get to a place where I can start to see these things clearly. (Please understand that I'm not giving any advice here -- far from it. I'm just relating my own, unique experience. Every situation is different. Among other things, sharing my fetish with my wife didn't have any negative effect on her ego.) [Link]
ma meeshka Iconoclastic Member 3939 Posts 4/06	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 6:09AM Bob wrote: my wife is much more important to me than my fetishes are Click to expand indeed. i think sharing fetishes as a means of airing them instead of accomplishing them is very healthy. but when you test the waters and things don't seem so good sometimes you just have to keep them to yourself. what can you do then? post them on an online forum? i guess that's good because you have anonymity. [Link]
SexyHard Member 673 Posts 6/07	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 10:37AM RandomPrecision wrote: I think we have sexual fetishes (Or interests or whatever you want to call them) for the same reason some people like seafood and others don't. Reason being, who fucking knows? Maybe we shouldn't want to know. Maybe if you knew why your fetish turns you on it would ruin it. Click to expand I only started reading this thread, so forgive me if I'm about to repeat what someone else has said. I would distinguish between a "fetish" and an "interest." My ex-wife was a bit of an exhibitionist. She liked to have sex in nature, and would almost always seek out natural environments that weren't that far off the beaten trail. Often people were aware of what we were up to, and that just added to the excitement. (We once got a round of applause.) I am personally both an exhibitionist and a voyeur. Back before Guiliani turned Times Square into Disneyland on the Hudson, I would seek out the strip clubs where it was alright to pull your dick out during the show. This satisfied both interests, I could watch sexy women dance around, and watch couples have sex, while also being watched myself I would call this an interest. We stayed away from truly public places, and would always do things far enough off trail, that people could discretely ignore us if they were so inclined. I've never jerked off in any public venue other than a strip club where it was allowed, and I have never peeked in someone's window. I even close the curtains before watching porn or having sex at home. More importantly, we didn't need to be outside to have sex, and more than 99% of our sexual contacts were in complete privacy. I can have sex without watching or being watched. If she/we needed to be watched in order to get off, I would call this a fetish. I would imagine that some of the people on this board have a porn fetish-- that they need porn in order to get excited. The vast majority of us probably have an interest in porn. [Link]
TedtheBellhop Member 767 Posts 6/09	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 11:34AM Sexy, great point. My previous comment was not appropriate for this thread. In the porn world the word "fetish" is thrown around lightly and is used inappropriately as such. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 5:41PM ma meeshka wrote: but when you test the waters and things don't seem so good sometimes you just have to keep them to yourself. Click to expand Everyone is different. But for me, keeping things to myself caused me emotional trouble. Even though my wife didn't joyfully take up my fetish interests, it was better for me to air them with her. If I had aired them and she had then rejected ME (as opposed to not opting into my interest in BDSM games), I wouldn't feel at all positive about our relationship. There can be full acceptance of the person without any participation in the activities. what can you do then? post them on an online forum? i guess that's good because you have anonymity. Click to expand Starting to post on ADT back in 2003 was one of the first things I did to start working through my issues. It continues to be an emotional safety valve. With regard to compromise, in an on-going relationship it's always in flux. The sexual compromises are easier for me during the times when my wife and I are getting along best; because the relationship feels so rewarding in general, the sexual deficits seem much less significant. On the other hand, when our relationship becomes strained for non-sexual reasons, the sexual deficits feel much bigger. Trying to maintain balance and perspective through all the ups and downs is beyond tricky. [Link]
ma meeshka Iconoclastic Member 3939 Posts 4/06	Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 7:48PM i know what you're saying. i was mostly thinking of things like... if you're into scat... it might just be the best thing to keep to yourself... but i guess it also depends on who your partner is and how they handle things. [Link]

Author

Post

rwmoose
Deactivated User

77 Posts
2/09

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 1:40PM

I have a big oral fetish - swallowing and deepthroating in particular. When I am watching scenes I am not logically reasoning with myself trying get aroused... it just happens. I remember reading something awhile back where Rodney Moore was saying that he preferred swallowing because it is more intimate than facials to him, and that the girl actually takes apart of you into her body and accepts him. Maybe theres some truth to that, because when I see a girl deepthroat(not just taking a cock deep into her mouth, but when it actually breaks the barrier and slides into her throat i get aroused).
Anyway, I was reading some of my psychology coursework and Freud was talking about anal-retentive and oral expulsive personalities. Maybe that has something to do with it.
Any ideas?

[Link]

ilovemichaelstefano
Member

28 Posts
5/09

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 1:44PM

I have no theories, I get very turned on when I am desperate to pee and like watching desperation videos. I would love to pee on a guy when he is inside me, I have no idea where this comes from.
On the otherhand I hate watching deep throating, I have a very sensitive gag reflex.

[Link]

Dubious_Leftovers
Senior Member

And on that fateful day, the hatred consumed me...
1423 Posts
3/09

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 1:56PM

Generally, in some cases it could be the first thing that you find sexually stimulating in your formative years... which could be anything. From there on, you may find that particular stimulus exciting throughout your life.
Also, a fetish could be borne from a social or sexual taboo when one becomes older, which may have more to do with re-enacted social situations recreated in S&M environments (the whole "slave" and "master" thing are based on learnt societal interactions for example).
It's very complex, with loads of variants, but I'm not in the mood to hypothesise too much right now...

[Link]

JohnHenry
Member

165 Posts
3/09

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 2:08PM

Moose,
I had similar fetishes, re deepthroating and swallowing. Today, it's barely interesting to me. What I finally realized, was that I enjoyed dominating my partner sexually, and that her willingness to go a *lot* further than the average blowjob was an expression of her submission. Once I learned the psychological underpinnings of my fetish, the fetish itself seemed to be a lot less important than the causes, and I've learned to enjoy a much broader spectrum of sexual interaction.
Regards,
John

[Link]

RandomPrecision
Senior Member

Enjoy!
8175 Posts
3/06

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 2:36PM

I think we have sexual fetishes (Or interests or whatever you want to call them) for the same reason some people like seafood and others don't. Reason being, who fucking knows? Maybe we shouldn't want to know. Maybe if you knew why your fetish turns you on it would ruin it.

[Link]

ninja1
Senior Member

2939 Posts
1/08

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 3:07PM

I'd sometimes like to "ruin" my fetish, because it is virtually impossible to find. Or maybe switch to a different fetish that is more prevalent in porn. Such as a "girls with 1 nose" fetish.

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RandomPrecision
Senior Member

Enjoy!
8175 Posts
3/06

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 3:20PM

I think most people with any kind of unusual interest or fetish would probably agree with that sentiment but when you really think about it, how sure are you that you wouldn't be a completely different person without your fetish? Are you sure you'd like being someone else? How much of you is there in your fetish?

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rwmoose
Deactivated User

77 Posts
2/09

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 5:22PM

I have just started reading up on psychology so my understand is very elementary. From what I have been reading so far it reminds me of the id, ego , and super-ego...when the id cant be pleased it gets the ego to find a alternative to the original desire. Kind of like what ninja1 is doing.
JohnHenry why did u go through the efforts to trying to pinpoint the origins of your fetish? Were you filling unfulfilled? Do you think people with oral fetishes (in general) have issues with domination?

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jayo

All-Star Member

2117 Posts
7/04

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 6:16PM

Most people have something special that rings their bell. Mine's nipple sucking, preferably on busty women, but it doesn't have to be. I don't know why. I link it with the same wiring that makes me find women attractive, and likes the color blue, and certain kinds of music, and so forth. I don't know why, I'm just wired that way.

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jettyman
Member

No matter what size the tits are....play with them....
732 Posts
12/08

Posted - Jun 6 2009 : 6:27PM

I don't quite know what happens in our bodies and brains, but when we do or see something that gives you a sexual rush/high or urge, it sure does feel good and you want to do it again. What locks us on to a certain action, that we get sexual gratification from it is unknown to me as well, but I know what I like. Like many fetishes it's one mans meat is another mans poison, it's often been said "what is he/she getting out of that". I will be honest with you I like mainstream sex movies with any boy/girl numbers involved, but one thing I like to see (and do, btw) is tit slapping. I know some people might not like it or find it degrading, but it's an urge I get and I don't know why, but I do get a thrill out of it. Well that's my view on fetishes for what it's worth.........And I'm going to blame Steve Holmes for my tit slapping fetish......That's my excuse anyway.

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BumBum
Member

395 Posts
1/07

Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 9:02AM

This is a great topic. Why do I have a spanking fetish? My life might be easier if I didn't. Maybe not. I'm glad to know, though, that it is a fetish shared by many others, judging from how much material is available online.
If we could get answers to the fundamental question of why we have fetishes, perhaps we could get insight into why people have compulsions which drive them to commit illegal acts, such as child porn. Perhaps those tortured souls could be helped, and the victims along with them.

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NewRomancer
Deactivated User

under THEIR avatar
738 Posts
7/08

Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 9:58AM

Why do people anything?
Cause that's what people do....

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markaudess
Marie Madison Media

68 Posts
2/04

Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 12:30PM

I'm inclined to agree that it happens in the formative years. Back in 'the day', when I used to edit content for
David Slaughter, he told me that the most popular fetishes take place at ground level - feet, shoes, stockings,
panties... So that makes all kinds of sense to me.
Myself, I have a smoking fetish, love to see hot girls smoking, and preferably fucking, and while in recent years,
that fetish niche seems to have all but died out - it's nearly impossible to find good smoking fetish anymore,
even Marie (Madison) doesn't shoot it anymore, it's still the thing that 'gets' me.
I'm pretty sure my own smoking fetish comes from my teen years, when my first big 'crush' was a 16 year
old who smoked, and myself being raised a Jehovah's Witness, my overly sheltered childhood gave me the
double whammy of linking my first hard on to the sights and smells of cigarette smoke.
And I was like 15, or so.
For whatever reason, a fetish develops from our brains making a sexual connection to things that are
inherently NOT sexual, and I think it can happen at any age.
- Mark Audess
Maddy G Productions

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echoplex
Member

197 Posts
9/08

Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 6:39PM

I've theorized a few times myself, but each time it only seemed to intensify it. I don't think it would change a thing, even if I knew exactly why.
I think it's better to save the headache and not ask questions.

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Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 8:07PM

I understand my fetish. I'm reasonably certain I know when it started, why it started, and why it persists. Knowing doesn't change anything and doesn't help with the frustration of dealing with it one single bit.

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jayo

All-Star Member

2117 Posts
7/04

Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 9:45PM

Is there a way you can throw some light on the subject without violating your privacy?

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Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 9:51PM

Depends on which particulars you're interested in. I won't go into specific detail about any of it, but some areas are more open than others.

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Lezasslickfan
Member

407 Posts
6/09

Posted - Jun 7 2009 : 11:45PM

yea, i have one big fetish and that is lesbian rimming. Maybe its cuz my favorite feature of a woman is her ass and i love to watch another girl lick it.

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RandomPrecision
Senior Member

Enjoy!
8175 Posts
3/06

Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 12:05AM

I can't say for sure but you're probably going to be a pretty unhappy individual if this is your main sexual interest. I have only seen this done well and enthusiastically a small number of times. Most of the time, the women are obviously not only not into it but so repelled by it that it's written all over their faces. Frequently, the tongue doesn't even contact any part of the ass. Often, women who will swallow loads with a genuine smile just won't do this.

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rwmoose
Deactivated User

77 Posts
2/09

Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 12:50AM

I can fully respect your decision to keep your fetish private. (I was thinking that maybe you especially want to that because you are public figure) But I can relate because as I was typing in my fetish for a few moments I hesitated. Maybe that restraint came over me because I am not used to communicating explicitly about sexual things, but I think more likely it was because my fetish is closely tied to who i am at my core. I felt vulnerable.

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Goodspeed
Member

Squirt Aficionado
697 Posts
3/09

Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 12:23PM

My first girlfriend was a squirter. Nothing major except for a little leakage here and there, usually from cowgirl or doggy. I guess she just had sensitive vaginal muscles or something. It was before I even knew it was such a big subgenre in porn because I was only limited Vivid or Digital Playground movies. My friends didn't even know what it was back then so my discovery of it was from her. She was also my first sexual partner so since then I just thought it was a cool thing to get a girl to do or watch happen. I suppose a shrink would tell me this started as something I wanted recreate with every subsequent girl after her because I wanted to recreate our old relationship, which I guess is true and since that was also around the time I got into watching a lot of porn it's always been something I look for.

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UnkwnUsr2
Member

443 Posts
2/05

Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 3:01PM

From a science perspective AFAIK there's no consensus or even enough hard data on why people have the fetishes they have (unfortunately). There's a bit on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_fetishism#Psychological_origins_and_development .
The Freud stuff isn't really something you should be looking at for guidance in the 21st century. Can't really hold up to modern psychology/neuroscience.
The idea that a fetish is usually connected to some specific childhood event isn't actually that likely for most cases and more of an unsubstantiated run-of-the-mill theory grounded in fundamentalistic behaviorism. It doesn't make any more sense than the idea that all your food preferences somehow stem from childhood experiences where eating a certain food item correlated with some pleasurable emotion.
A lot of it is genetics, hormones and brain development.
Though of course you need to distinguish between something like necrophilia or pedophilia and a foot fetish or whatever, as well as different degrees of fetishism.

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Dubious_Leftovers
Senior Member

And on that fateful day, the hatred consumed me...
1423 Posts
3/09

Posted - Jun 8 2009 : 7:37PM

^Okay, but the vast majority of the brain development happens at the childhood stage. It's the period where we learn the workings and physics of ourselves, our bodies and the whole world around us.
Now as a young kid, I had very deep sexual feelings before I knew what was gay, straight or anything - I didn't know what a vagina was specifically- all I knew of it was that it was a hole that girls have in the same relative place boys have willies, and the purpose of both was to pee with... that is all... nothing sexual.
The thing I fixated on at that early stage, was feminine legs/feet, and it's something that's stayed with me to a certain extent but of course been superceded by my sexual attractions to the primary sexual organs, which its sexual uses were LEARNT at a later stage and ingratiated into my sexual identity.
The fact that the foot thing, I later found out wasn't a primary sexual organ leads its attraction to be labeled a fetish. Simple as that. What we're attracted to, we're attracted to. Its usage in a primary sexual sense dominates if it were to be considered a fetish or strange (e.g. balloons etc...)
(What's above is my take on the childhood aspect, and doesn't address the adult societal aspect I mentioned earlier... that's a different thing again).

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Loraine
Senior Member

1559 Posts
3/04

Posted - Jun 9 2009 : 8:12AM

There used to be a lovely but sadly now defunct site called Deviant Desires by researcher and author Katherine Gates - her book is still available. Her site had an interesting "map" that can still be seen here at another site.

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Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Jun 9 2009 : 9:17PM

Oh great, I looked at the map. I'm not on it. How messed up AM I?

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jayo

All-Star Member

2117 Posts
7/04

Posted - Jun 9 2009 : 9:45PM

I was purposely being vague so you could determine your own boundaries, but what I was getting at is this: the main question seems to be where do fetishes come from? You said you knew how yours developed. So I was curious: was it something you think you were born with that was developed by behavior, or something you learned? Was it something that was immediately gratifying, or was it an acquired taste? Do you think it was a healthy growth process, or something you are now stuck with whether you like it or not?
I'm trying to walk the fine line between learning what you know, w/o crossing into particulars that you don't want to talk about.
Edited by - jayo on 6/9/2009 9:46:51 PM

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Loraine
Senior Member

1559 Posts
3/04

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 2:08AM

You, my lovely, are special.

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Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 2:21AM

I wonder how she developed her map.
Anyway, interesting for me to see that "clothing" and "pleasure through pain" are right next to each other.

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Loraine
Senior Member

1559 Posts
3/04

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 10:47AM

Hi Bob, it's a real shame her site went blank, it was quite wonderful. I don't remember how she put her research together.

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Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 11:14AM

And I appreciate your respect for my boundaries more than you can imagine.
I do not believe it was something I was born with. I can remember a time when my sexual fantasies (immature and unrealistic as they were) fell solidly within the "ordinary" stuff a young girl might think about.
I have mentioned in other threads that I was an abused child. There was a particular act my abuser performed that was generally the culmination of an episode. Over 8 years of abuse, and thousands of episodes, I developed a "focus" on that culminating act. I am sure it originally just contained the knowledge that the unpleasantness was just about to be done with, but over time the 'looking forward to a lack of unpleasantness' transmuted into 'looking forward to pleasantness' and eventually, in my adult life and absent from the abuse, into pleasure in the act itself.
It isn't healthy. I am stuck with it. I have tried to push it out of my mind. I have tried to decline the opportunity to indulge it. I have never been successful - not even once. If it's offered, I take it. Every time I am physically able to indulge in it (which is exceedingly rare - no more than a handful of times in 25 years), there is a heavy burden of guilt and shame and associated memory. Unfortunately, my sexual fantasy life revolves almost entirely around it - pretty much every time I masturbate it's there, even when I actively try to fantasize something else.
I will say that I don't ever actively seek it or ask a partner to do it, but I think that is probably part of the fetish, rather than any kind of self-control on my part.

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Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 11:15AM

Your avatar is special!!!!!!

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TedtheBellhop
Member

767 Posts
6/09

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 2:53PM

In retrospect, my post was not appropriate for this thread.
Edited by - TedtheBellhop on 6/11/2009 11:32:35 AM

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Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 3:39PM

I'm beginning to have an idea about where my fetishy interest in BDSM comes from -- which for me is switchy, involving arousal from both dominance and submission.
I have a very loud inner critic. As a consequence, I often experience myself in terms of a duality between my primary "acting self" and my secondary "self-observing and negatively-appraising self". People sometimes use the expressions "beating oneself up" and "struggling with oneself". I live with a persistent awareness of these psychological dynamics operating in an almost literal way.
And so I contain within myself both sadist and masochist. The most fundamental S & M experience I have is the one going on inside -- the relationship between me and me.
------------------
Edited by - bob on 6/10/2009 9:06:34 PM

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Ramsey
Senior Member

Trina Michaels fan
10332 Posts
10/02

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 4:10PM

Because feet are the most beautiful bodypart on a woman?

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Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 6:06PM

Issues of guilt and shame around fetishes can be huge.
I don't want to invade your privacy, Kimi, but I have a question (if you don't mind answering): I know from your posts lately that you are very much in love. Can you discuss your fetish with your boyfriend -- not as a way of seeking it, but just as a way of airing it? If you can't, do you wish you could?
(I'm not saying that you should discuss it -- or should want to -- I'm just asking.)

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Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 6:27PM

Yes, I am

No. I can't.
Yes. I wish I could.

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Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 9:34PM

Thanks, Kimi.

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Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 9:45PM

Over the last couple of years, I've started to discuss my fetish interests with my wife more openly, but it can be excruciating. She's a fairly good listener (better and better all the time), so that's not the problem. I also don't think the problem arises because she doesn't share those interests. I believe it has more to do with my own feelings of exposure and vulnerability around such an intimate topic.

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Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 12:26AM

I would be willing to tell him everything, except that I believe if he knew it would crush his sexual ego, perhaps to the point of being unable to perform at all. Since that is not desirable, I am keeping my fetish to myself. If it becomes less dangerous to tell him in the future, I will.

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JohnHenry
Member

165 Posts
3/09

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 12:33AM

Hi Kimi,
In my experience, and *just* in my experience, I've found that the more I try not to get my own fetishes met, the more I crave them. Sometimes just knowing I have the option to play the way I like to play is enough to satisfy me.
We're fed the mistaken belief that relationships should never have hiccups, problems, or snags. Healthy relationships embrace compromise. Obviously, you know your man better than we do. Perhaps there's a way to share your fetish with him, without quite illustrating how deep it runs, and how important it is to you?
Warm wishes,
John

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Harri Patel
Senior Member

#SDNY he's all yours. -- Michael Steele
5110 Posts
3/03

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 12:49AM

Color me boggled.

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Kimi Lixx
Senior Member

2012 Posts
6/01

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 12:50AM

I already tested the waters with lighthearted suggestions of things similar in nature to my fetish. It didn't go over well. It's not going to happen, nothing even remotely related is going to happen, and that's just the way it is.
It isn't the end of the world. I would be willing to give up sex entirely to be with this man, a limited sex life is a compromise I am willing to make.
For what it's worth, I have always had to make sexual compromises in my relationships. Heck, I didn't have a single orgasm with my husband for the first two years of our marriage. It just isn't the end of the world.

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Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 2:50AM

This resonated with me.
I used to toss lighthearted suggestions too, and my wife would lightheartedly bat them away. It made me feel frustrated. In order not to feel completely bottled up, I eventually had to make my interests more explicit to her. Her initial reaction was extreme discomfort, but that lessened when she realized that I wasn't going to pressure her to act out my fantasies, that my more modest goal was simply to share them with her so that I wouldn't feel hidden. This more direct communication, which she then took up herself, has ultimately improved our sex life. She more into wearing provocative lingerie than she used to be and she sometimes lightly plays off my fetish interests with sexy talk during lovemaking. We are having more and hotter sex than at any time since the first year of our 23-year relationship.
Bottom line, though, is that my wife isn't comfortable with BDSM scenarios, so we don't (and won't ever) play those games. I wish we did, but it's not going to happen. When it comes right down to it, though, my wife is much more important to me than my fetishes are, so a limited sex life is a compromise that I'm also willing to make. But it has taken me six years of internal and marital strife to get to a place where I can start to see these things clearly.
(Please understand that I'm not giving any advice here -- far from it. I'm just relating my own, unique experience. Every situation is different. Among other things, sharing my fetish with my wife didn't have any negative effect on her ego.)

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ma meeshka
Iconoclastic Member

3939 Posts
4/06

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 6:09AM

indeed. i think sharing fetishes as a means of airing them instead of accomplishing them is very healthy. but when you test the waters and things don't seem so good sometimes you just have to keep them to yourself.
what can you do then? post them on an online forum? i guess that's good because you have anonymity.

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SexyHard
Member

673 Posts
6/07

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 10:37AM

I only started reading this thread, so forgive me if I'm about to repeat what someone else has said.
I would distinguish between a "fetish" and an "interest."
My ex-wife was a bit of an exhibitionist. She liked to have sex in nature, and would almost always seek out natural environments that weren't that far off the beaten trail. Often people were aware of what we were up to, and that just added to the excitement. (We once got a round of applause.) I am personally both an exhibitionist and a voyeur. Back before Guiliani turned Times Square into Disneyland on the Hudson, I would seek out the strip clubs where it was alright to pull your dick out during the show. This satisfied both interests, I could watch sexy women dance around, and watch couples have sex, while also being watched myself
I would call this an interest. We stayed away from truly public places, and would always do things far enough off trail, that people could discretely ignore us if they were so inclined. I've never jerked off in any public venue other than a strip club where it was allowed, and I have never peeked in someone's window. I even close the curtains before watching porn or having sex at home.
More importantly, we didn't need to be outside to have sex, and more than 99% of our sexual contacts were in complete privacy. I can have sex without watching or being watched. If she/we needed to be watched in order to get off, I would call this a fetish.
I would imagine that some of the people on this board have a porn fetish-- that they need porn in order to get excited. The vast majority of us probably have an interest in porn.

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TedtheBellhop
Member

767 Posts
6/09

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 11:34AM

Sexy, great point. My previous comment was not appropriate for this thread. In the porn world the word "fetish" is thrown around lightly and is used inappropriately as such.

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Bob

All-Star Member

5516 Posts
3/03

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 5:41PM

Everyone is different. But for me, keeping things to myself caused me emotional trouble. Even though my wife didn't joyfully take up my fetish interests, it was better for me to air them with her. If I had aired them and she had then rejected ME (as opposed to not opting into my interest in BDSM games), I wouldn't feel at all positive about our relationship. There can be full acceptance of the person without any participation in the activities.

Starting to post on ADT back in 2003 was one of the first things I did to start working through my issues. It continues to be an emotional safety valve.
With regard to compromise, in an on-going relationship it's always in flux. The sexual compromises are easier for me during the times when my wife and I are getting along best; because the relationship feels so rewarding in general, the sexual deficits seem much less significant. On the other hand, when our relationship becomes strained for non-sexual reasons, the sexual deficits feel much bigger. Trying to maintain balance and perspective through all the ups and downs is beyond tricky.

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ma meeshka
Iconoclastic Member

3939 Posts
4/06

Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 7:48PM

i know what you're saying.
i was mostly thinking of things like... if you're into scat... it might just be the best thing to keep to yourself... but i guess it also depends on who your partner is and how they handle things.

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