But tell her if you lose the collection, you're shutting her off. That'll give you more time to play the field.

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Everyone knows you don't try to change someone after marriage. I hope you don't end up having to cave in on this one. But like you said, marriage before porn, if it comes down to it.

Growing and changing together is normal & healthy. Trying to change someone is not. (I added that in case someone who responds after me doesn't understand the distinction.)

Edited by - threesomebody on 8/29/2005 10:49:17 AM

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Marriage before porn? Better make sure that's not the only problem that potentially exists.

Have a long sit down. Know who you are, before you figure out who she is.

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My wife and I have an agreement. I can have as much as I can fit in my porn basket.

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Bulk Mailman, if you are getting in alot of arguements about it, that could lead to bigger problems, like the loss of your marriage. You might want to think about the two of you attending a marriage counselor to help both of you reach common ground on the issue.

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I'm thinking Oatmeal is very deprived.

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You say you've been married a year?

Twenty years from now, you'll wish you'd kept the porn.

BSD

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In an effort to be open about it, I have a shelf in our theater room reserved for porn. This one shelf was designed for CD's, so the cases are turned and you can't see the titles on the spines. That way its discreet and we don't have to hide anything from visitors. But we both know they're there, right alongside our mainstream titles. But... the shelf is really just the tip of the iceberg. I've got multiple boxes of other titles, all sorted by company.

If I were ever confronted with the ultimatum of getting rid of it all, I don't know what I'd do. Porn has been a part of my life for a long time. At age 8, I discovered the box of magazines in my dad's closet. I borrowed a few out of curiosity and left them in a stack of comics in my room. I got the "these aren't for kids" speech and forgot about them until puberty hit. By 15 I started renting, by 18 I was buying. Hell, I might need a walk in closet by this point.

Kane

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If you give in THIS EARLY in your marriage...you're going to be giving in for the rest of your life, pal.

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From what you say it sounds like this was an issue that was never addressed before your marriage: your wife was aware of your porn collection but did not make a fuss about it or seek a debate on it. By leaving the matter alone and not making your respective positions clear at the time you have allowed room for you both to develop opposing views of the situation. Your wife may have felt that after marriage you would drift away from your interest in porn and has since been disappointed to find that that has not happened. You may have felt that you had tacitly been given license to continue pursuing a porn collection when in fact your wife would have been shocked to think that that was how you were interpreting her silence on the matter.

What you need to do now is to discuss this matter as completely as possible. Just sit down and talk this out. Some sort of compromise along the lines of oatmeal's should be possible.

If you find that it is something that you can't talk about without it descending into an argument then counselling is the best way to go.

Much as I love porn, I would still be the first to admit that it is a trivial and silly thing to allow to undermine a marriage.

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Just my two cents.

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The funny thing is, after the talk, it cut my porn viewing down considerably. I stopped most of my casual viewing while she was around.

Kane

Edited by - Kane on 8/29/2005 1:50:26 PM

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If you ask me I'd say 'No, you should never ever give up your porn collection just because your wife says so'. If she loves you she won't kick you out just because of porn, she may use it as an excuse to kick you out though... on the other hand, if you was to throw out a couple of boxes of porn, she would take great satisfaction from knowing you even throw out porn because of her! PORN!

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MAybe you can ask her specificaly what it is that's bothering her.

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My advice for you is, give away all your porn to your friends at work
and buy your wife a nice present.
I think the problem is not so much about wether or not you hide your porn or display it openly,
or that you spent too much time trading (cant imagine) but much more that you may hurt your
wifes feelings.

As a woman, I can tell you that Id be hurt if I had the feeling my husband is more likely to jerk off
to porn at home than telling me he`d like to have sex.
Why would he prefer all those other women than me to stimulate his fantasies?
I mean your wife isn´t sick or something and can´t have sex anymore, nor is she far away.

Maybe she feels like shes not good enough anymore to please you or maybe
she thinks she has to "compete" with the performers in your porn.
Also many of the `gonzo porn´ of today I often consider just gross and disturbing,
so theres a good chance she´s more disgusted than aroused by it.

Just because she knew you had some porn before you got married, doesn`t mean she likes the
idea of you watching these flicks after you got married.
Often at the begining of a relationship both partners do some things they actually do not
enjoy that much, just for their partners, this stupid "I just did it for you idea" that
often causes trouble later on. Maybe she watched these movies with you just to do you a fav.

Of course there are some women that are into that stuff, but yours is not,
so if you love your wife you should really accommodate her and get rid of it.
The idea that the roots of why she doenst like it can be overcome by watching even more
porn together is highly unlikely.

And even if she´d agree to some sort of a compromise, you know by now that it stings her
in one way or another. Why would you do that to her if you love her?
Be thankful she told you, she doesn´t like it at all, so now you know what to do.

I await the stories of your cheering friends at work no later than next Tuesday.

Edited by - chocolate_cougar on 8/29/2005 6:48:45 PM

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But I agree. I'm diggin' her.

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The real problem is what one person will tollerate from the other just to make things work.

Cougar wants you to throw out the porn because it will make your wife happy, but she doesn't care how it makes you feel. But, by her own rationale, your wife should be more understanding about it, also.

When the argument becomes - and it eventually will - "If you loved me, you'd get rid of the porn;" "Well, if you loived me, you'd let me keep it," you're in trouble.

If the problems are her - i.e. she's threatened, or whatever - than getting rid of the porn will not satisfy her. She will find something else to complain about until you're not allowed to leave the house without a blindfold and chastity belt.

If the problem is you - i.e. you have a porn addiction, or even if it isn't addiciton you spend more time with it than your wife - then keeping the porn you presently have won't satisfy you either, you'll need to keep up with the new titles, get more stuff, and piss her off more.

So, like so many others have already said, you need to find out the real problem, and do it soon, even if it leads to a fight. Better to get that shit out in the open now.

AND, if she said it was ok before and suddenly changes her mind, she's a liar. It was never ok with her, and she fully intended in chaging you.

And, telling her you threw it out and keeping a stash is a really bad idea. She WILL find it, and there'll be hell to pay. She'll get you so caught up in lies you told that her intollerance of your hobby will get glossed over.

Good luck, and I hope everything works out.

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Edited by - Endless Loop on 8/29/2005 11:54:53 PM

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That way, you both get a win out of it, and she has proven to you that it was really important to her, not just empty bitching.

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I'd skip both Cougar's advice (ultimatums aren't the answer to anything in a relationship) and also Seymour Asses (neither is dishonesty) and talk to your wife openly and honestly to get to the root of the problem.

Bobpowers1 and Gunzo both make excellent points, that maybe the porn itself isn't the problem, but the amountof time you spend on it and not on things you could be doing together.

Hopefully, if the two of you can talk openly and honestly to one another the full issue will come out.

Anyay, good luck, and I'm moving this to Sex Talk.

scipio

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my wife and i on average have sex twice a week, sometimes it's great and sometimes it's frustrating cause what she is comfortable doing is very limited. she is scared or shy to do say cowgirl for example, which we have only preformed a handfull of times, because she thinks she is doing it wrong because of what she sees in my porn tapes. no matter how much incouragement, or coaching i do, she would only do the things i like for 1-2 minutes max. then we would have to go back to missionary or doggie. which is no problem with me, especially doggie.

look my wife and always do things together, ball games, picnics on the beach. she works part-time & goes to school & i have a full time job. free time? we're out doing something always, as do all first-year married couples do. so it's not like i'm neglecting her with time. the porn is done when she's at work/school. i don't fish, i don't like dungeons & dragons, this is my hobby.

yes i like porn, i prefer gonzo, yes i have to have all the latest titles, i gotta be the best in something, and yes i put alot of time into it like the index, which i've had for a while cause i was getting sick of people asking what i had. just gave them the list. can't remember all of it.

when we talk about it, it's usually her that brings it up, when she's already irritated that i haven't yet scaled it down to 20 like we agreed, which leads to a heated fight. she thinks i'm blowing her off. i think the next time, i'll bring it up when she's calm. maybe i'll use some of your advices, "porn basket" sounds cool, maybe we'll watch more of it together, and no way am i gonna just stash it away and say i tossed it, very bad advice. thanks again guys & gals, i'll post an update when it happens. wish me luck!

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So don't worry about mimicking positions, attitudes and money shots that you see on video, worry about giving her maximum pleasure. That, for me, gained her trust in the bedroom and was the shortcut to easing my wife into some of my more perverted sexual hobbies like erotica and pornography.

They say women are turned on by different things than men. A man gets turned on by a set of tits or watching porn, a woman gets turned on by being wanted and bathed in adoring attention.

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You had told your wife that once you got married, you wouldn't need porn anymore, because you'd be having sex together. So now that you still have the porn, she may feel that the sex didn't live up to your expectations. This alone may be devastating to her.

Additionally, you agreed to keep only 20 of them, and then you didn't keep your word, which may lead her to feeling that your priority is porn first, and keeping your word to her second.

On top of that, she isn't experienced enough sexually to realize how much of porn is done just for how it looks, and is actually uncomfortable for the performers.

Her feelings are hurt and she feels inadequate. It's really sad.

On the other hand, it's not just porn to you, it has nostalgic value, you use it for trading with other people (a little male bonding), and you get a competitive satisfaction over having a bigger pile than the next guy.

Flash has good advice. Given the circumstances, her feelings are more important. Box the porn and stow it. Talk to her and apologise for not keeping your word, let her know that you put her first. Don't talk so much about the porn, but about her feelings, and about yours. Be willing to find other ways to do the male bonding and competitive thing for a while. And look for something in the long run that will leave both of you feeling good.

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Z.

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