Some time ago, I knew this woman who was/is thirteen years older than me. She was a very pretty and fervid lady. Anyway, most importantly, her character was full of flaws and full of sh**. She's told me that her husband used to abuse her (she didn't say whether it was physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally or sexually; not that to me it matters of which). Her personality was in upheavel and she was slowly trying to construct herself. She didn't know who she was anymore. Although she had got a divorce from the man, she still sees him because they have three children. One night, she called me and said that she wanted me to see her perform at a strip club. I felt down about it and it had nothing to do with insecurities. I just never felt right seeing a woman whom I may come closer with exploiting herself like that. Especially a woman who I've just met who claims to be a 'victim'. But, then... I may be contradicting myself, because if I had the chance to have a day with a porn star that I used to watch randomly, I'd love to spend the time with umm....

anyhow... this lady had been taken advantage of from time to time, in many aspects. She's even had things stolen from her. So, I've told her about some of my personality problems and asked her why she works at a strip club. I was trying to give her hints about me as a person and give her a lot of conversation. She had the audacity to ask me "Are you gay?" I'm wondering "Where is that coming from?" She says she feels femininity in me. I was, and am now, a very mild-mannered and nice person without me patronizing and brown-nosing people. Here I am trying to give this woman conversation, enthusiasm and trying to heal her and she thinks I am 'soft' and 'gay'. What does this tell me? Maybe she'd like another hard-hearted guy who can beat the total crap out of her, as well as placing money and materialism over her and everything else. I mean, there's nothing wrong with masculinity and testosterone, unless it's just attitude and overtly cocky... Some females like the kind of guys who are cocky and who happen to appear to be abusive, intimidating... that is not me. Some females like guys who are stupid because it gives them the ability to control them and 'teach' them things. That, alone, can make someone feel at the top of the canyon. People love controlling other people.

So, one time I've called her and she's hung up the phone on me and we've never spoke since. I've known a lot of people, especially females, who like being abused; for example, this lady and even my mother's sister (unfortunately, my aunt). My aunt liked the kind of guys who were intimidating in looks and I've seen her with bruises and with her back teeth knocked out! She'd always go on about how "He's gonna beat me. He's gonna kick my ass!"

Although it's only cinema, it had really frightened me to see this French movie entitled "The Piano Teacher" with this actress named Isabelle... forgot her last name. That film and even books reveal the origin of these destructions. It can be a psychological disorder that contains phobias, surpression, curiousity, pain and vulnerability. "The Piano Teacher" told the story about a music-teacher who had a disgusting craving for S&M and she's played mind games with one of her male students. Finally, he's had enough and he gives her more than S&M. He beats her bloody and THEN has sex with her!

Nietzche said that "whoever says they can see through women has a lot to learn." Nietzche is one of my favorite thinkers, quoters and artists. Everyone is dysfuntional from man, woman and child. It's only easier to see the male dysfunctions for three reasons. Guys, including myself, are tired of apologizing to people for who they are, what they want and their instincts. It's gotten to the point now that many of us are starting to merely feel like push-overs.

I remember back when I had first entered high school, an old friend of mine who had his way with girls and women and I knew a lot of it he never lied about. One of the first things he's told me when I first stepped into high school was that... "You can't be nice to these females, man!" On a note, he gave females conversation, but he never patronized and brown-nosed them by spending money on them and he wasn't a push-over. I've witnessed how he almost gave two females on two occassions a beat-down out of anger toward these particular two females! These two females would curse him out, lie on him, threaten him, even! He'd get in their faces about it and sometimes, at the end of the day, some females would not like him at all. Some, though, still liked him a lot! So, guys are supposed to put up with garbage from females just because they are females?

What should I do? I'm not on the verge of turning abusive, because that is not me! I have a mind of my own, but... lately I've been wondering... should I keep being nice to these females? These very few females are really starting to change my mind about the rest of them and this isn't the way it should be!

Edited by - victorio on Oct 26 2003