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All Forums > Sex Talk > Sex Talk Forum Page 24 > a problem

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MisterX Member 41 Posts 8/07	Posted - Jul 20 2010 : 2:14PM ok now im in a happy relationship and have good sex life but i am a porn addict the first chance i get im watching it and i love masturbating to porn i just cant get enough .... so im wondering is this normal or is there a problem [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jul 20 2010 : 2:15PM You'll find out if it is a problem when it affects your relationship. [Link]
Jonny Jay Outlier Moderator 5990 Posts 8/09	Posted - Jul 20 2010 : 4:34PM ^100% true. [Link]
MisterX Member 41 Posts 8/07	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 2:06PM in what way will it affect my relationship i just wait for her to go out and do it then [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 2:26PM You wait until she goes out and then you do it. Does that mean she doesn't know about it and you hide it from her? If so, it will almost certainly be a problem at some point. You're not perfect, she'll find out, and she might feel all sorts of not-good things about it. Or maybe you'll get lucky, and she'll be so relieved you're a porn addict that she'll reveal to you that she's been a secret porn addict and hiding it from you, and you'll both live happily ever after. [Link]

MisterX Member 41 Posts 8/07	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 3:16PM thanks guys ill try and calm it down [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 3:21PM Kimi is 100% right, but I'll amplify with my 2 cents: While mutually understood and agreed zones of privacy in a committed romantic relationship can be workable, secrecy is a cancer. Secrets deprive your partner of the right to know who you really are, they require you to act dishonestly, they promote shame in you, and they are likely cause your partner to feel betrayed and lose trust in you. Not good. Worse than not good. Be honest and deal with any negative fall-out straight-forwardly, keeping your own desires and interests firmly in mind. Or set explicit ground rules for "no share" areas in your relationship, being prepared to change them as the relationship changes. Take it from one who has seen where both the low road and the high road go. The high road can be a lot rockier in the short run, but the low road will gently lead you into a very deep ditch. * * * * * Sorry for the profusion of mixed metaphors -- it's just one of those days. ----------------------- [typos, as always] Edited by - bob on 7/21/2010 11:55:53 PM [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 3:47PM MisterX wrote: thanks guys ill try and calm it down Click to expand If you mean by this that you'll try to cut down on your porn, I think you're making a mistake. Tell her about the porn first, talk about it, and then determine how you want to handle the issues that arise. The correct definition of "addiction" is a topic of heated debate. Putting the nomenclature of diagnosis aside, however, if your porn-watching is compulsive and interferes with other important areas of your life, you have a problem. If you simply love to watch porn in your free time yet your life remains healthy, balanced, and in control, then you may not have a problem. There may still be a conflict or incompatibility with your sig-other, but that's another matter. My wife really dislikes porn, both aesthetically and from her particular feminist viewpoint. But she knows that I like porn, that I'm not a sexist, and also that I disagree with her ideologically on this issue. The upshot is that we've simply chosen to disagree. We agree about most things, which makes this area of difference easier for both of us. There was a time when my relationship to porn was out of control. One of the things that helped me get the problem under control was to resolve the whole porn issue with my wife -- the resolution being, as I said, that we would agree to disagree. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 3:51PM Because secrecy and shame cause anxiety and anxiety finds relief in compulsive behavior, secrecy and shame fuel compulsive behavior -- which in turn leads to more secrecy and shame, even more compulsive behavior, etc. It's an ugly loop that needs to be broken. ------------------- [typos] Edited by - bob on 7/21/2010 11:49:45 PM [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 3:54PM And now I've said way too much about myself. [Link]
Savoy All-Star Member Sucker for Sinners 1844 Posts 12/06	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 6:19PM I would be incredibly aggravated if you weren't taking care of shit that needed to be done because you were too busy playing with your peter all day. That irks me far more than a guy using porn. [Link]
Drom Member 79 Posts 3/10	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 7:00PM Bob wrote: secrecy is a cancer. Click to expand Let's say my greatest fantasy is to have sex with Mexican midget twins who preferably are amputees. Do you really think my wife should know about that? My fantasy couldn't possibly ever come true and she would never ever understand it. She'd surely be disgusted with me and probably develop an aversion to have sex with me. Honesty isn't always the way to go. There are countless of everyday examples for that. I might find my wife's best friend smoking hot and fantasize about having sex with her. You really think I should be honest about that???? Really?????????????? [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 7:15PM If she wants to know, you should be honest. You don't think she has fantasies? As long as that's what they are, and they don't impact how you view her, chances are she won't feel threatened by that. On the other hand, she will imagine you fantasize about all sorts of things that make her feel like human trash and a worthless piece of shit. What she imagines you fantasize about is far worse than what you would tell her. [Link]
Savoy All-Star Member Sucker for Sinners 1844 Posts 12/06	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 7:26PM Kimi Lixx wrote: On the other hand, she will imagine you fantasize about all sorts of things that make her feel like human trash and a worthless piece of shit. What she imagines you fantasize about is far worse than what you would tell her. Click to expand Will you kindly connect the dots for me on this one? [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 7:44PM Savoy wrote: Will you kindly connect the dots for me on this one? Click to expand Easy enough. A big breasted woman will imagine you fantasize about small breasted women and think she is nothing but a disgusting cow. A small breasted woman will imagine you fantasize about big breasted women and feel like she's not even a "real woman". An older woman will believe you fantasize about young women and relegate herself to the used up toilet paper category. A young woman will imagine you fantasize about sophisticated mature women and that she's nothing but a stupid hole. Those are just some basics. Depending on the particular insecurities of any given person (male or female) what they IMAGINE you want can be devastating. [Link]

Savoy All-Star Member Sucker for Sinners 1844 Posts 12/06	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 8:00PM I've imagined the same things, but don't tend to think myself to be a worthless piece of shit when I do. More like feelings of inadequacy. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 8:22PM I'm sure a person's self image comes in to play when their insecurities are tweaked. A person with a stronger self image might feel less horrible than a person with a weaker self image. Me - I already think I'm a waste of space. It doesn't take hardly anything at all to push me over the edge. I'm completely convinced that my boyfriend has no desire for me at all and only puts out because he believes I will cheat on him if he doesn't. I can't think of a single reason he wants to be with me. He doesn't share any fantasies with me. He claims he has none. What I imagine/believe he wants makes me feel dead inside. [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jul 21 2010 : 11:47PM Drom wrote: Let's say my greatest fantasy is to have sex with Mexican midget twins who preferably are amputees. Do you really think my wife should know about that? My fantasy couldn't possibly ever come true and she would never ever understand it. She'd surely be disgusted with me and probably develop an aversion to have sex with me. Honesty isn't always the way to go. There are countless of everyday examples for that. I might find my wife's best friend smoking hot and fantasize about having sex with her. You really think I should be honest about that???? Really?????????????? Click to expand There's an important distinction between what goes on in your mind and what you do in the world. Another way of saying it: There's a difference between keeping your thoughts private and being secretive about your actions. I was addressing my comments to the realm of action. For that reason, I probably should have used the word "secretiveness" rather than "secrecy". That said, if your sig-other wants to know what your fantasies are, you're better off trying to share them (start with one or two of the tamer ones, and see how it goes). The more you can share with each other, the deeper your relationship will be. ----------------- [typos] Edited by - bob on 7/22/2010 7:20:59 PM [Link]
matchmaker Senior Member 24909 Posts 4/05	Posted - Jul 22 2010 : 1:16AM Kimi Lixx wrote: I'm sure a person's self image comes in to play when their insecurities are tweaked. A person with a stronger self image might feel less horrible than a person with a weaker self image. Me - I already think I'm a waste of space. It doesn't take hardly anything at all to push me over the edge. I'm completely convinced that my boyfriend has no desire for me at all and only puts out because he believes I will cheat on him if he doesn't. I can't think of a single reason he wants to be with me. He doesn't share any fantasies with me. He claims he has none. What I imagine/believe he wants makes me feel dead inside. Click to expand Have you talked with your boyfriend about all the stuff that you mentioned and how you're feeling? [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jul 22 2010 : 8:43AM matchmaker wrote: Have you talked with your boyfriend about all the stuff that you mentioned and how you're feeling? Click to expand Yes. [Link]
Bobcat Senior Member 1490 Posts 2/08	Posted - Jul 22 2010 : 2:55PM Kimi Lixx wrote: matchmaker wrote: Have you talked with your boyfriend about all the stuff that you mentioned and how you're feeling? Click to expand Yes. Click to expand You've never considered that he is damned lucky to have you..........Cleveland doesn't have any other decent single men?? [Link]
Drom Member 79 Posts 3/10	Posted - Jul 22 2010 : 3:03PM Bobcat wrote: You've never considered that he is damned lucky to have you..........Cleveland doesn't have any other decent single men?? Click to expand Do you two know each other personally? If not, how the fuck can you judge whether or not he's lucky to have her? Kimi might be a wonderful partner, she also might be a disaster. [Link]
MisterX Member 41 Posts 8/07	Posted - Jul 22 2010 : 3:06PM wow thanks guys what i meant was ill try and stop thinking about it as much then ill not want to masturbate as much inbetween sex [Link]
Bobcat Senior Member 1490 Posts 2/08	Posted - Jul 22 2010 : 3:22PM Drom wrote: Bobcat wrote: You've never considered that he is damned lucky to have you..........Cleveland doesn't have any other decent single men?? Click to expand Do you two know each other personally? If not, how the fuck can you judge whether or not he's lucky to have her? Kimi might be a wonderful partner, she also might be a disaster. Click to expand No I don't know her! That's why I said "YOU'VE" as opposed to "I THINK HE'S"! She may think you're right and he isn't, I was not judging anyone! The question was aimed at her opinion of herself! I was merely making a suggestion, not extolling a fact! [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jul 22 2010 : 4:49PM MisterX wrote: wow thanks guys what i meant was ill try and stop thinking about it as much then ill not want to masturbate as much inbetween sex Click to expand Get a hobby! Do things that occupy your mind and your body. Involve your woman in them if you can (and she wants to). Build your relationship with her and with yourself and maybe you will not need the stimulation and relief of masturbating so often. [Link]

Clam Digger Deactivated User Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good. 2268 Posts 1/05	Posted - Jul 22 2010 : 9:49PM Drom wrote: Bobcat wrote: You've never considered that he is damned lucky to have you..........Cleveland doesn't have any other decent single men?? Click to expand Do you two know each other personally? If not, how the fuck can you judge whether or not he's lucky to have her? Kimi might be a wonderful partner, she also might be a disaster. Click to expand A good reason newbies should view from the sidelines until they learn about members who have been around for a couple of years. [Link]
Clam Digger Deactivated User Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good. 2268 Posts 1/05	Posted - Jul 22 2010 : 10:03PM Kimi Lixx wrote: matchmaker wrote: Have you talked with your boyfriend about all the stuff that you mentioned and how you're feeling? Click to expand Yes. Click to expand Is it just the sex? Do you both enjoy other things together? I hope you don't honestly think you are a POS. I know that this an anonymous forum and I don't wish to be presumptuous, but few other members are as open and as clear headed as you. It seems to me, that he should at least give you sexually, what you want, once in a while. Most of us know how deeply you feel about this guy, I hope he values the relationship as much as you do. The best! Edited by - Clam Digger on 7/22/2010 10:05:40 PM [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 1:49AM Kimi Lixx wrote: He doesn't share any fantasies with me. He claims he has none. Click to expand He must be terrified. [Link]
Drom Member 79 Posts 3/10	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 4:18AM Clam Digger wrote: A good reason newbies should view from the sidelines until they learn about members who have been around for a couple of years. Click to expand Sure thing! So I'll dedicate the remainder of this year to read and study the forum history of each virtual villager. I'm sure I'll find plenty of wisdom in your 7.200+ posts. I also can't wait to find out how "Clam Digger" and "JJ1 hex 3021PWNZOR" are related. It's not like I have a life or anything. Forum snobbery is my favourite pastime anyways. Now that I know my place in this hierarchy, I will obey everyone with more posts than me, oh wise one. Edited by - drom on 7/23/2010 4:20:09 AM [Link]
Algaliarept Senior Member 3557 Posts 7/08	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 5:11AM MisterX wrote: in what way will it affect my relationship i just wait for her to go out and do it then Click to expand This reminds me of the comedian Louis C.K. talking about how his wife gets mad when he masturbates ("are you thinking of another woman?!") and Louis quipping with yeah that's what every married man thinks of when he jacks off "ohh yeah, my wife!" (whack whack). He went on to ad, men jerk off because they can think of other people, not their wives. Makes you wonder if some women are from another planet or something [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 11:37AM Drom wrote: I also can't wait to find out how "Clam Digger" and "JJ1 hex 3021PWNZOR" are related. Click to expand Huh? [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 11:44AM Blossom wrote: ^ Woman masturbate thinking of HOT guys & not their Boyfriend or spouse, just like men. Click to expand I don't. I think about all the sexual things that turn me on. There are no real people in the vast majority of my masturbatory fantasies. I have rarely thought of a physical description that didn't apply to genitals or breasts. The exception would be when I actually have fantasized about my partner, remembering some particularly exciting thing we've done. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 11:51AM Clam Digger wrote: Drom wrote: Bobcat wrote: You've never considered that he is damned lucky to have you..........Cleveland doesn't have any other decent single men?? Click to expand Do you two know each other personally? If not, how the fuck can you judge whether or not he's lucky to have her? Kimi might be a wonderful partner, she also might be a disaster. Click to expand A good reason newbies should view from the sidelines until they learn about members who have been around for a couple of years. Click to expand There was no need to scold Drom. First of all. If we're going to analyze my relationship problems we should start a new thread. Second. Drom has an excellent point. No matter how long I've been posting here (ten years!), and how awesome (or not) my online self appears to be, I very well may be a disastrous relationship partner. Third. New members are welcome and sometimes they bring a new point of view to the party. (the rest of the time they just start threads about anal sex, interracial sex, best boobs and butts, and how porn is going downhill) [Link]
Clam Digger Deactivated User Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good. 2268 Posts 1/05	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 12:29PM Bob wrote: Drom wrote: I also can't wait to find out how "Clam Digger" and "JJ1 hex 3021PWNZOR" are related. Click to expand Huh? Click to expand ^that goes for me too. [Link]
Clam Digger Deactivated User Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good. 2268 Posts 1/05	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 1:13PM Kimi Lixx wrote: Clam Digger wrote: Drom wrote: Bobcat wrote: You've never considered that he is damned lucky to have you..........Cleveland doesn't have any other decent single men?? Click to expand Do you two know each other personally? If not, how the fuck can you judge whether or not he's lucky to have her? Kimi might be a wonderful partner, she also might be a disaster. Click to expand A good reason newbies should view from the sidelines until they learn about members who have been around for a couple of years. Click to expand There was no need to scold Drom. First of all. If we're going to analyze my relationship problems we should start a new thread. Second. Drom has an excellent point. No matter how long I've been posting here (ten years!), and how awesome (or not) my online self appears to be, I very well may be a disastrous relationship partner. Third. New members are welcome and sometimes they bring a new point of view to the party. (the rest of the time they just start threads about anal sex, interracial sex, best boobs and butts, and how porn is going downhill) Click to expand Of course you are correct about "newbies" and your response is an example of your level headed self. Many of us think of you as a very hot women with a very sharp mind. Those of us who have read your posts know and awful lot about your failures and triumphs probably suspect that there is one hell of a book in your soul. I do think that Bob is onto something regarding fear and it's effects on relationships. From my limited observations, you seem to have it all...downright sexiness and brains. That can really be quite an intimidating mixture for the male ego to digest. If I were in your partner's place, I probably would be traumatized. Maybe that does make you a "disastrous partner". If there is ever going to be hope against loneliness, I surely hope not. Me - I already think I'm a waste of space. It doesn't take hardly anything at all to push me over the edge. I'm completely convinced that my boyfriend has no desire for me at all and only puts out because he believes I will cheat on him if he doesn't. I can't think of a single reason he wants to be with me. Click to expand Maybe your partnercould have written that paragraph. Could it be that life is one big practical joke and that we can all be driven from happiness by our own fears. Edited by - Clam Digger on 7/23/2010 2:12:42 PM [Link]

smurftrapper Member 124 Posts 9/09	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 2:10PM I believe that is a very unfortunate part of the human condition that we seek out an acceptable, or comfortable level of misery. I am incredibly fortunate, or blessed (however you'd like to word it) that I am content with my life, work, relationships, financial situation, and health. Open, and honest communication with friends, family, and lovers has been instrumental in my contentment. Hobbies, interests, projects, all very varied, some time consuming, and long term, some just flights of fancy, but all of them enjoyable. I am happy to share them with people if they care to join me, and I will happily join them in theirs if I am invited. It might only be a one time thing, but I will give it a try. I try not to judge people, and their interests or hobbies, unless it is harmful to themselves or others. The ability to agree to disagree with someone as Bob is able to do with his wife is a very healthy thing. MisterX I have no solutions, just a repeat of what has been suggested here. Get some hobbies, and some shared interests with your significant other. Be open and honest with her. Have as much fun as you can together, and be serious with one another when necessary. Kimi, I truly wish that you did not have the issues that you currently do, and your boyfriend shared your desires. I do not know if he is afraid, or selfish, or just plain oblivious! I hope it changes for the better! Quickly! From the way outside looking in, it almost seems as if he believes you are property, and not a person. I hope that is not true! [Link]
Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Jul 23 2010 : 11:50PM Clam Digger wrote: Bob wrote: Drom wrote: I also can't wait to find out how "Clam Digger" and "JJ1 hex 3021PWNZOR" are related. Click to expand Huh? Click to expand ^that goes for me too. Click to expand I'm wondering if it was a not-so-veiled threat of cyberstalking. Drom -- Do you care to elaborate? [Link]
Drom Member 79 Posts 3/10	Posted - Jul 24 2010 : 3:49AM Bob wrote: I'm wondering if it was a not-so-veiled threat of cyberstalking. Click to expand Clam Digger wrote: A good reason newbies should view from the sidelines until they learn about members who have been around for a couple of years. Click to expand Drom wrote: Sure thing! So I'll dedicate the remainder of this year to read and study the forum history of each virtual villager. I'm sure I'll find plenty of wisdom in your 7.200+ posts. I also can't wait to find out how "Clam Digger" and "JJ1 hex 3021PWNZOR" are related. It's not like I have a life or anything. Forum snobbery is my favourite pastime anyways. Now that I know my place in this hierarchy, I will obey everyone with more posts than me, oh wise one. Click to expand I took a random internet nick in "JJ1 hex 3021PWNZOR" (who btw. probably really does exist) to point out how ridiculous Clam Digger's postulate (new forum members should study the forum's history before posting) was. I frankly don't care to "learn about members who have been around for a couple of years". It's an internet forum, Clam Digger! Why would I spend hours to research peoples' internet persona. It's about as pointless as watching "Big Brother". That was my point! [Link]

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