WARNING: Sickeningly besotted fanboy alert.
I am finally back home after my first trip to the USA, which included a visit to the AEE and the AVN Awards.
Firstly, I would not recommend a 36 hour journey to Las Vegas without sleep. I arrived in Las Vegas in the early afternoon on Thursday, 10 January, and was almost dry-retching from tiredness (honestly, I couldn't have felt more buggered if I had been the recipient of a 10-girl strap-on gang bang) - but I had more important things to do. Like circling the block half a dozen times to find the Sands Convention Centre, and then following the vague signage at the Venetian (an arrow generally pointing north) that made me want to just sit down and lay my head on the nice leather armrests on the poker machines ... .
I finally found my way to the trade registration desk and collected my badge, although I was initially mistakenly issued the one for Evil Motion and Raven Riley. And thereby I saw my first porn star in the flesh!
I did not really know what to expect from the AEE. I have attended the Comiket in Japan, and figured it would be something roughly on that scale. At Comiket there are 400,000 Japanese guys crammed into a large convention centre where you get to stand in a line of about 2 thousand guys outside in 45 degree celcius heat for about two hours until you are actually escorted into the building and some cute anime voice actress dressed as a french maid hands you a free porn manga and a Gundam parody tea towel. You then go outside again and jump on the end of another very long line to get some free Melancholy of Haruhi Suzimaya manga porn. Anyway, I figured it may be something like that, and so I did not want to waste the half hour or so left of trade time on the Thursday afternoon.
Unfortunately, I did not find the main expo floor on the Thursday afternoon - once again confused by signing which stated "Fan Only Entrance" (not realising it meant the fans could only use that entrance, and not that only fans could use the entrance!). So I looked around the B2B section and then decided that I really needed to either sleep or die at that point.
I had every intention of going to the ADT Dinner at the Luxe Cafe, after getting a few hours sleep. However, as I headed down to the Luxe Cafe just after 7:00pm my attention was rudely diverted by a mini-crisis caused by the Venetian misplacing my AVN ticket and pre-show party invitation. It took until after 9:00pm to sort the drama out, and it looked like the ADT Dinner was all wrapped up by the time I got free. I did see Annette Schwarz and a few others leaving the Luxe Cafe and also shared a lift with Annette (a stunningly beautiful and statuesque girl in person). I was very disappointed to miss the dinner. I had to console myself by spending a small fortune at the Spearmint Rhino.
And so onto Friday, where I got to make maximum use of my Trade pass. The crowds were quite thin on the ground (compared to what I expected), and so it was fantastic that I was able to walk straight up to Sunny Leone and get a couple of pictures taken with her. Similarly, I spent some time talking and taking pictures with Kirsten Price. This totally blew my mind - I have seen more movies starring Kirsten Price than I have of Meryll Streep, and yet there is no convention that I could go to where I could speak to, and get photos taken with, Meryll Streep or any other top mainstream actor. Even Sci Fi conventions only have one or two name stars and you usually have to pay an outrageous amount of money to get photos or autographs on top of the entrance fee. But at AEE a diligent fan can meet literally 100's of the top porn stars! And that is exactly what I set out to do over the next two days.
Some of the highlights:
Talking to Courtney Cummz about her wacky JAV costume epics and the obscene message in her autograph (I love her and will not allow a bad thing to be said about her until she is arbitrarily replaced in my affections by the next hot girl that comes along);
Talking to Lexi Belle (what a cute little girl all in pink - I just wanted to pick her up and hold her and hug her and squeeze her, and pack her up in my luggage for the trip back Down Under);
Talking to Bree Olson (I noted that Bono-one was just a bit ahead of me in the line to meet Bree);
Talking to Monique Alexander about my "Hello Kitty" tie;
Talking to Casey Parker about surfing and Australia;
Meeting jessica drake;
Meeting Jesse Jane;
Meeting Carmen Luvana - Big Ed quickly stepped in to remove a guy's hand from Carmen's cute backside just before my photo with her, and so I was extra careful not to incite his wrath;
Meeting Sunny Lane;
Meeting and talking to Dana Dearmond;
Aurora Snow's autograph on a very filthy Anabolic calendar photo!;
Talking to Randy Spears about his trip to Australia to make porn in the 1990s;
and meeting and talking to Sasha Grey. Now, I always had my questions about this teen existentialist and what she was really like, but I was really surprised at what a nice, articulate, young woman she was in person. The guy in front of me was in a mobility scooter, and she took extra time to speak to him and take photos with him. She was really sweet and it showed me a side to her that I did not expect to see (although I would see it later at the AVN Awards). I spoke to her briefly but was captivated by her smile and personality. It was at that moment that I realised just how great the AEE is for fans. I have always said that I could never understand how anybody could take their own life or do self-harm when something as simple as a smile from a pretty girl can make life so incredible. AEE is a thousand smiles from 100's of pretty girls, and it has value as a event even for that fact alone.
I did spend half an hour in line to see Jenna Haze, but was scared off from the ridiculously long lines (Comiket-style and with no free tea towel at the end of it!) for Belladonna and Nautica Thorne. However, the only stars I was genuinely sad I missed were Paulina James and Hillary Scott.
Another highlight was the excellent open legal issues forum on the Friday at which such interesting subjects were discussed as restrictions on choking in porn and the growing risk of anal prolapse litigation against all studios! Who would have thought that employment law, or even entertainment law, could be so entertaining.
As for gripes. Yes, it did get very crowded on the Thursday, Friday and Saturday afternoons. It was annoying when professional photographers and interviewers held up the fan lines, as it was when guys with very large backpacks held up lines getting the girls to sign dozens of photos. The attitude of some of the booths left a bit to be desired too - the staff at one company booth (which shall remain nameless) were very rude and dismissive of questions about their upcoming product lines - and I was wearing a trade badge and for all they knew could have been a major adult store owner! There was also the booth where they sold their calendars for $5 (I understand that not all companies can give away glossy calendars for free like Anabolic and Hustler), but required a second $5 if you asked more than one girl at the booth to sign it! The girls at another booth were so occupied with the 'fans' that they wouldn't sign anything during the trade hours!
Overall, I loved the AEE! Whether I would travel 36 hours without sleep just for it - probably not. Staying at the Venetian, I probably saw more porn chicks in the lobby, lifts and the corridors on my floor than at the AEE - they were generally easy to pick as they were hot, well-dressed (ie, not dressed in jeans, t-shirt and hoody, which is the standard casino attire for all men and women in Las Vegas - even the eighty year-olds!), and more often than not had some 'parolee biker-dude' type character tightly clutching their arm. There was a definite vacuum of quality female talent once the porn chicks left Vegas.
I also tried that pill they were selling at AEE which is 12 times better than Viagra. I haven't tried Viagra, but that stuff is pretty good. They need to keep me in mind when casting for "Fashionistas Safado Sydney".
I should also add that a big reason for attending the AEE was to get a sense of perspective on size and girth. Just how big are those porn dudes - and how big am I? I have often pondered this question just like medieval monks pondered how many angels could fit on the head of a pin. I came away surprisingly contented. Porn girls are tiny. I now surmise that I could comfortably fit three porn chicks on my cock - well, maybe just Jenna Hayes and Lexi Belle - at once.
Now on to the AVN Awards. For starters, the Mandalay Bay Events Centre is too big for these awards. Most of the seats were empty at the start of the show and within 30 minutes about 60% of the crowd had simply got up and left. I also hated the horrible gauntlet of amateur cameramen and assorted gawkers you had to run to get into the Events Centre - it went for about 500 metres. All the while people were taking your photo and speculating as to who you were (ie, "Isn't he the guy that played the Janitor in "Saved by the Bell"?", "Isn't he the maths teacher from "Zoey 101"?", "Hey, isn't that George Clooney lurking in the shadows over there with the "Hello Kitty" tie on?"). I therefore made a rush into the Events Centre and missed most of the Red Carpet arrivals and the free booze!
The seat I had was perfect. About eight rows back and on a 45 degree angle to the stage. I was right on the aisle and had a perfect view of the porn chicks wobbling down the narrow staircase in high heels and almost taking what would have almost certainly been a fatal tumble dowwn several flights of stairs to the floor area - another reason the Events Centre is a bad venue. Now someone else also appreciated what a good seat I had. Sitting immediately behind me was Pauly Shore and his 'entourage'. Now he proceeded to hit on every single unaccompanied porn chick that wobbled by. Normally I would say "good on you mate!", but it was becoming quite annoying "and was affecting my time in the house". Those of you keeping abreast of the 2008 Celebrity Death Pool may have noted that Pauly Shore is Number 1 on my list. Now as a great believer in divine intervention, I must confess that for a split nano-second the thought did cross my mind that this was my "Showgirls" moment, and that if I could only just get behind him on that treacherous staircase where so many porn chicks had almost come a cropper ... . Anyway, before I could have acted the owner of the seat Pauly Shore had appropriated for his own purposes soon appeared on the scene and young Pauly then scampered away rather sheepishly. Nevertheless, I remain confident that the type of behaviour displayed may still get him into trouble this year - perhaps at the hands of an angry parolee biker-dude.
I was happy with the award winners - particularly, Bree Olson, Sasha Grey, Penny Flame, Jenna Haze.
The jokes between the presenters needed a little more work - repeated references to the pain of anal sex and what the porn people were going to do to each other back in their hotel rooms after the show quickly wore thin (particularly for those of us going back to a lonely hotel room at the Venetian).
Overall, once again I was thrilled to be in the same room (although a very big one) with people who I have seen do the lewdest and strangest things for my entertainment over many years. It was also very moving to see a young existentialist weep upon being recognised for her exceptional but unconventional work.
I wandered off into the night, once again very contented, in my suit and Hello Kitty tie, clutching the complimentary vanilla flavoured vagina wipes.
Las Vegas was good.

Edited by - Cuddly Wombat on Jan 23 2008
Edited by - Cuddly Wombat on Jan 24 2008