Help. Orgasm trouble :(

Author	Post
vanessa31 Member 6 Posts 8/12	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 2:12PM Hi. First post. Just want to say I've spent some time looking around and this site is great. I do have a problem, tho. I have never had an orgasm through intercourse. It really is bothering my husband. He thinks it's him, even though I have told him it has never happened for me with anyone I've been with. He is so skilled in other areas, he can make me come just by rubbing my feet or other places other than my pussy and he is fantastic at oral sex. I try to reassure him that I think our sex life is great but when we were discussing it other night, he had tears in his eyes. It absolutely broke my heart. It has kinda became an issue when we have sex. He tries so hard and knowing he's stressed about it makes me stressed. We will be having sex and he'll start rubbing my clit, trying so hard to make me come when he's thrusting, but GOD! Something is wrong with me. I can't come when he thrusting and rubbing at the same time. It just doesn't work! Fact is, I can't even make myself come by rubbing myself with just my fingers, it takes a vibrator or something. I feel broken. :( I want nothing more than to make him happy in every aspect of our sex life. His favorite porn is where girls are squirting. I can't do that either. I bought special toys that are supposed to stimulate the G-spot and I got to the point where I felt like I was going to pee and sure enough. I pissed all over myself. Not sexy..I'm glad he wasn't watching. LOL. I tried again the next day and I got to the point where I felt like I was going to pee and it felt really good but no orgasm came from it. So, I was wondering if you have any tips or can suggest instructional DVD's that can teach me. Thanks in advance. [Link]
trout bum Deactivated User "I'm Not Here To Suck My Own Cock!" 2145 Posts 5/10	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 2:22PM ^Welcome to ADT. You have come to the right place for help. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 2:42PM Most women do not orgasm from internal vaginal stimulation. There is nothing wrong with you. You can't "learn" to do it, and there is no special technique your husband needs to use. Your body, and your mind, may change as you go through your life, you may become vaginally orgasmic at some other time, and it may go away again. Porn sex is unrealistic. It is aimed at fulfilling male fantasies that the penis is the most important thing in the world. Most "squirting" is staged, not the product of female orgasm. Biologically/physiologically the clitoris is the equivalent of the penis. Penile stimulation makes males orgasm, clitoral stimulation makes females orgasm. When women orgasm due to vaginal stimulation it is often due to pressure on the cervix triggering stretch receptors that cause oxytocin to be released which causes smooth muscle contraction. It is an uncommon phenomenon in women who have never borne children. Other sources of vaginal orgasm include stimulation to the "buried" nerve bundles of the clitoris, and hyper-arousal. Hyper-arousal is essentially your mind giving you an orgasm, like having a wet dream - it doesn't actually require physical stimulation at all, although physical stimulation can be a trigger for the mental arousal required to achieve orgasm. Stress is the enemy of orgasm. You are not broken. You orgasm just fine with stimuli that you find orgasmic. You husband provides you with that stimuli. He sounds like a caring partner. Tell him to quit worrying about making you orgasm. Tell him to quit watching porn if it is creating unrealistic expectations. There is nothing wrong with you. [Link]
SunShowers Member 333 Posts 4/08	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 2:52PM Well said to poster above! I was also going to chime in by saying that there really isn't anything wrong with you. You're capable of reaching orgasm, just maybe not via intercourse. Your husband sounds like a sweetheart and this doesn't need to be a huge source of stress between you. If you two invested a lot of time in foreplay, things that do turn you on and bring you to the brink of cumming, maybe he could then start fucking you and see if that does it. It seems like he wants to be inside you when you experience the Big O, so try a lot of foreplay and then get him in quick. As to not cumming when you use your fingers, that's normal. I started off as most girls do with my fingers as a teen, and that worked fine. Then when I got older and procured a vibe, I got used to the vibe and using my fingers didn't cut it as much. You're just used to a different type of stimulation. Keep your chin up! Just do a lot of experimentation and relax. Have some wine beforehand. [Link]
trout bum Deactivated User "I'm Not Here To Suck My Own Cock!" 2145 Posts 5/10	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 3:09PM The women here at ADT are amazing! (did I spell it right) Kimi? [Link]

SexShopGrl Member F is for Forty and Fabulous! 940 Posts 5/11	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 3:51PM I agree with everything Kimi and Sunshowers said. RELAX!!! [Link]
vanessa31 Member 6 Posts 8/12	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 4:18PM Thanks. I wish I could say I feel better about it. It just sucks to not be able to make your body express what you are thinking in your mind. We watch porn together and when those girls squirt or have those big, loud orgasms when a guy is fucking her, I can't help but think he's wishing I could do that too. I am going to try to not think about it and just relax. I appreciate your responses. :) [Link]
SexShopGrl Member F is for Forty and Fabulous! 940 Posts 5/11	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 4:42PM ^That's part of your porblem right there hun. You cannot compare yourself to anyone else let alone a porn star. Comparison is the thief of joy! [Link]
SunShowers Member 333 Posts 4/08	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 5:08PM vanessa31 wrote: Thanks. I wish I could say I feel better about it. It just sucks to not be able to make your body express what you are thinking in your mind. We watch porn together and when those girls squirt or have those big, loud orgasms when a guy is fucking her, I can't help but think he's wishing I could do that too. I am going to try to not think about it and just relax. I appreciate your responses. :) Click to expand Those porn stars are putting on a big show for the cameras. They're being paid thousands to scream and make a spectacle. You're not a porn star and not being paid, so don't worry about emulating them. You're an individual, a person, who needs to relax and enjoy her sexual encounters without feeling pressured into doing something unnatural for you in the moment. Just feel what you feel and express it however you want... [Link]
Hardware All-Star Member Your other left 14594 Posts 3/02	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 6:14PM ^ Sensation is sensation; only the brain's interpretation of those signals changes. [Link]
SexShopGrl Member F is for Forty and Fabulous! 940 Posts 5/11	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 9:45PM ^ I think what she's saying is that for her the effort wasn't worth it. I don't see what the big obsession is with squirting in the first place. [Link]
vanessa31 Member 6 Posts 8/12	Posted - Aug 9 2012 : 11:39PM Wahine, I get what you are saying. You're thinking vibrators are messing up my potential "natural" feelings. When I first started masturbating, I used a vibrator. I don't know why, but it never felt good to me to touch my own pussy. It just didn't bring on the same sensations that a vibrator or my preferred method, shower head, did. You know you can't tickle yourself??...that's the best way I can describe it. As far as cumming by having my feet rubbed...that's another weird thing too. It just does. Same with having my ass or thighs rubbed, I can cum very quickly that way too. Or just light kisses around my ears or neck...it's like I have orgasmic places everywhere but where they should be! :) I think I am going to try to "re-program" myself, if I can. I have several dildos, they just haven't done anything for me. But I am going to try and simulate intercourse that way and see if I can get things to change. I do get very close to orgasm through anal sex too...it's just he can't keep from cumming in my ass long enough for me to reach orgasm. I thank you for your suggestions. [Link]
SexShopGrl Member F is for Forty and Fabulous! 940 Posts 5/11	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 1:25AM Yeah wahine, I was referring to your opinion that squirting was overrated. [Link]
lindi Senior Member 12345 3205 Posts 9/02	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 1:38AM The women on this website are the best! [Link]
SexShopGrl Member F is for Forty and Fabulous! 940 Posts 5/11	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 4:27AM You know, I had thought. While I HIGHLY agree with wahine's suggestion at trying manual masterbation, the OP might consider looking at couple's toys. I think she has desensitized herself with vibration, but if she has this aversion to touching herslef during sex, she might think about a Wevibe. we vibe 3 Check Amazon for better pricing. [Link]

Gore Gore Girl Doctor of the Erotic Arts 7238 Posts 1/09	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 11:35AM I want to echo the basic sentiment that you are normal. Orgasm from vaginal penetration is not the "natural" way of orgasming. That's just what we're told should be the way, because there is a penis involved, and (imo) because that way in sex ed they don't have talk about anything but baby making. The clit poses a problem in the context of sex ed in that it is all about pleasure. As already noted, the vast majority of women cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. But this doesn't seem to be what you're having trouble with - it sounds like even with digital stimulation of the clit, if there is vaginal penetration involved at the same time you cannot orgasm. If there is no vaginal penetration, then you can. Is this right? [Link]
vanessa31 Member 6 Posts 8/12	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 11:56AM Yes, GoreGoreGirl..you are right. It's almost like there is too much sensation going on. Just want to say I do feel better knowing that my problem is somewhat "normal". Thanks, a bunch, ladies. I do want to find out more about squirting. I know there's lots of controversy about whether it is real in porn, but I looked around on the web about it and they even have classes that guarantee that they can make you do it. Anyone have experience with that? I know I would make my husband a very happy man if I could do this for him. Maybe it would make up for the lack of vaginal orgasms that he wants. [Link]
Gore Gore Girl Doctor of the Erotic Arts 7238 Posts 1/09	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 12:12PM ^ Thanks for clarifying. Re: squirting, I have no experience, but there are a couple of fun how-to porn movies, as well as female orgasm-focused how-tos that are fun to watch and you might learn something. Tristan Taormino's... Expert Guide to Female Orgasms. (includes female ejaculation) Expert Guide to the G-Spot. Also, I recently watched a documentary called Orgasm Inc. (available on netflix instant watch at the moment) that you or others may find interesting. It's about the attempts to develop a "female Viagra" but uses this as a way to address how female orgasms are "handled" or represented in general. One story stood out as particularly sad - a woman who said she can't orgasm from "sex" and volunteered for experimental surgery to be able to do so. I assumed this meant she couldn't climax at all - "sex" is a very ambiguous word. Turns out, she can climax just fine. She just wanted to be able to climax from vaginal penetration alone, and was willing to have something surgically implanted in her lower back to do so. [Link]
davebowman Member 294 Posts 6/09	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 12:14PM I want nothing more than to make him happy in every aspect of our sex life. His favorite porn is where girls are squirting. I can't do that either. I bought special toys that are supposed to stimulate the G-spot and I got to the point where I felt like I was going to pee and sure enough. I pissed all over myself. Not sexy..I'm glad he wasn't watching Click to expand You may think it's not sexy - but are you sure he wouldn't be into that though? Almost everyone agrees that the huge gallons of OTT 'squirting' that you see in most porn is actually piss - your husband may already be aware of this and be 100% into it. [Link]
Gore Gore Girl Doctor of the Erotic Arts 7238 Posts 1/09	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 12:44PM ^ Yeah, I never said that vaginal penetration is sensation-less. I also don't dispute that some women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. I do think it is damaging to raise girls to believe there is something wrong with them if they can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation, and this still seems to be the dominant message. Even the term "heterosexual sex" in the context of what you wrote seems to mean "vaginal penetration with a penis" - this demonstrates how we perceive the notion of "sex" (i.e. penis goes in vagina). That notion in and of itself is problematic to me. [Edited to add that I'm not taking you personally to task - I think we all say "sex" and mean penis/vagina intercourse. I'm referring to a broader societal notion - wasn't meaning to pick on you. :)] Edited by - Gore Gore Girl on 8/10/2012 12:53:56 PM [Link]
Gore Gore Girl Doctor of the Erotic Arts 7238 Posts 1/09	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 1:27PM a former member wrote: It's personal preferences, if you will. Click to expand Totally. I am merely advocating a more open (non-hierarchical) attitude toward to those preferences. And I'm in no way whatsoever advocating to raise girls to believe there is something wrong with them if they can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation, I'm only saying "you've got vaginal muscles, see if you can learn to use them". With no stress or goal oriented approach. Click to expand Totally. Oh, and to the OP, I bet there are millions upon millions of women (and men) who would love to be able to orgasm from a foot rub! That's like a super power! [Link]
SexShopGrl Member F is for Forty and Fabulous! 940 Posts 5/11	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 2:27PM ^ I wish I could being that I am a foot girl. davebowman wrote: You may think it's not sexy - but are you sure he wouldn't be into that though? Almost everyone agrees that the huge gallons of OTT 'squirting' that you see in most porn is actually piss - your husband may already be aware of this and be 100% into it. Click to expand It's this kind of attitude that causes these problems in the first place. She has to get other shit sorted first. We are not circus monkeys preforming for your pleasure. Edited by - sexshopgrl on 8/10/2012 2:28:43 PM [Link]
vanessa31 Member 6 Posts 8/12	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 2:50PM ^ Well, I see it both ways. I don't want to do things that I don't want to do just please him..i.e. circus monkey... but I'm pretty much open for anything. I have found that the more he likes something and I can see how much pleasure it gives him, then I like it more. Anal Sex is the perfect example. The first time I did it was because he wanted to and it hurt...not gonna lie. But I kept at it and now I really enjoy it. And the fact that he loves it, makes me love it even more. To answer Dave, I told him about pissing when trying to squirt/orgasm and he just said, "Did you like it..did it feel good"? And I was like..."Well, it felt as good as any other piss." We laughed about it, but we haven't talked about it since. I may need to press him to say more..but I think he wants the "real" thing. [Link]
Gore Gore Girl Doctor of the Erotic Arts 7238 Posts 1/09	Posted - Aug 10 2012 : 3:16PM ^ Generosity in the bedroom is great as long as it goes both ways and does not end up being exploitative, but I wonder why it seems as if it isn't going both ways. He wants you to do things that he finds pleasurable or that he feels you should be able to do/he should be able to elicit, even if you cannot physically do them. To the point where it really hurts him emotionally. Yet, you are not making the same demands of him - quite the contrary. So, is it that he understands it's unreasonable/impossible for you (and many many other women) to do certain things, or is it that you haven't explained this to him because perhaps you yourself are still wishing for something that, ultimately, may be impossible? It seems as though you need to figure out what you enjoy, and what you can/cannot or will/will not do (re: suggestions from others above), talk about it, and then he needs to meet you in the middle. [Link]
davebowman Member 294 Posts 6/09	Posted - Aug 11 2012 : 4:52AM We are not circus monkeys preforming for your pleasure. Click to expand Don't tell me - I was replying to the original poster's: "I want nothing more than to make him happy in every aspect of our sex life." etc. I told him about pissing when trying to squirt/orgasm and he just said, "Did you like it..did it feel good"? And I was like..."Well, it felt as good as any other piss." We laughed about it, but we haven't talked about it since. I may need to press him to say more..but I think he wants the "real" thing. Click to expand Fair enough. It may be a completely different problem but one of my ex's was terrified of losing control of her bladder when she came, so she would make herself hold back. It took months of trying to reassure her it was OK, but eventually she relaxed and everything was fine. I will return you to your girl talk. [Link]

Cumwhipper Senior Member 4050 Posts 3/04	Posted - Aug 11 2012 : 10:00AM Welcome to the forum, Vanessa! In all my years of sex, I think I may have had a girl orgasm once from actual fucking, and SHE may have been faking it! I stopped worrying about it years ago, I actually prefer going down on a girl and enjoying all the reactions I get as I learn how to stimulate with just the right pressure, speed, in the right places, etc. (all of which are different for everyone, BTW). If the girl cums, that's just icing on the cake. As much as I love porn and it's orgasm-centric point of view, as an older guy, I find myself worrying less and less about orgasms and more about pleasure. If that leads to orgasms in whatever we're doing, great. Your husband's heart is no doubt in the right place, but I agree with many of the OPs (all of whom are giving great advice IMHO) - he's confusing porn with reality. Orgasms appear to be happening for the girls all over the place in almost every scene where she's getting fucked, and that seems almost laughably fake to me. A girl being relaxed enough to cum in front of a crew and director while being fucked by a relative stranger that probably has no idea what gets get off? I doubt it. Even if the girl is able to cum from being fucked, the odds of it happening in that setting seem slim to none. The enemy of orgasms (and of having any kind of fun, in general) is stressing out about whether or not one is having a good time. Put that old Frankie Goes To Hollywood song "Relax" on your listening device of choice and play it on repeat... "Relax don't do it When you want to go to it Relax don't do it When you want to come" [Link]
lindi Senior Member 12345 3205 Posts 9/02	Posted - Aug 11 2012 : 4:24PM I always cum during fucking, but it's NOT from thrusting. It's from grinding. Intercourse and thrusting are not the same thing. The thrusting is a good way to work up a frenzy and get close, but grinding puts the kind of mellow side-to side circles around the clit that does the trick. In fact, too much pounding will make me numb. It relies more on finesse than on pressure. [Link]
SunShowers Member 333 Posts 4/08	Posted - Aug 11 2012 : 9:00PM lindi wrote: I always cum during fucking, but it's NOT from thrusting. It's from grinding. Intercourse and thrusting are not the same thing. The thrusting is a good way to work up a frenzy and get close, but grinding puts the kind of mellow side-to side circles around the clit that does the trick. In fact, too much pounding will make me numb. It relies more on finesse than on pressure. Click to expand Oooh, Lindi. That gave me a tingling thrill just reading that. It's never occured to me to grind, but I'd bet it would be heavenly. Le sigh... [Link]
lindi Senior Member 12345 3205 Posts 9/02	Posted - Aug 11 2012 : 9:19PM Well, I'd say number one, get yourself off so you know exactly what you like (without any distractions, interference, or anyone else to please), then, number two, get on top and take control. When you have it down, he will too, and it won't matter much who's on top. Practice, practice, practice, but not with a lot of anxiety. Play. All the thrusting, pounding action in porn is not a realistic template for a woman to get off. [Link]
SexShopGrl Member F is for Forty and Fabulous! 940 Posts 5/11	Posted - Aug 12 2012 : 12:04AM lindi wrote: I always cum during fucking, but it's NOT from thrusting. It's from grinding. Intercourse and thrusting are not the same thing. The thrusting is a good way to work up a frenzy and get close, but grinding puts the kind of mellow side-to side circles around the clit that does the trick. In fact, too much pounding will make me numb. It relies more on finesse than on pressure. Click to expand OMG...yes! [Link]
Perverted Member 31 Posts 3/12	Posted - Aug 12 2012 : 9:19AM It seems that there is a great deal of confusion in this thread over what an orgasm is. First off, an orgasm is neither ejaculation nor squirting. It is simply an intense physical/emotional climax achieved thru a high level of sexual stimuli. Second, I have never been with a woman that could not achieve an orgasm from internal vaginal stimulation. [Link]
SexShopGrl Member F is for Forty and Fabulous! 940 Posts 5/11	Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 11:37AM Perverted wrote: Second, I have never been with a woman that could not achieve an orgasm from internal vaginal stimulation. Click to expand Ummm....I bet you have. OR maybe you don't know what an orgasm is. Orgasms from internal vaginal stimulation alone are very rare for women. [Link]
SunShowers Member 333 Posts 4/08	Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 12:01PM Perverted wrote: Second, I have never been with a woman that could not achieve an orgasm from internal vaginal stimulation. Click to expand Ahahahahaha! [Link]
Gore Gore Girl Doctor of the Erotic Arts 7238 Posts 1/09	Posted - Aug 13 2012 : 2:23PM [invalid URL removed]Some guys really don't like being told this stuff... [Link]
matchmaker Senior Member 24909 Posts 4/05	Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 12:49AM a former member wrote: ... I think only features feature long, "realistic" female orgasms occurring in "realistic" timing. Still, I prefer watching gonzo, as features bore me. ... Click to expand I don't think boy/girl features have more female orgasms than gonzo. The scenes in features seem to be too short to actually scene women having orgasms in the scenes. [Link]

SexShopGrl Member F is for Forty and Fabulous! 940 Posts 5/11	Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 2:06PM ^ I don't see many actual female orgasms in porn at all. [Link]
Gore Gore Girl Doctor of the Erotic Arts 7238 Posts 1/09	Posted - Aug 14 2012 : 2:56PM I didn't think wahine was saying they have more orgasms in features. I think she was saying the representation was more realistic. That's why she used quotation marks. [Link]
matchmaker Senior Member 24909 Posts 4/05	Posted - Aug 15 2012 : 1:30AM SexShopGrl wrote: ^ I don't see many actual female orgasms in porn at all. Click to expand Do you watch girl/girl porn? There seems to be a lot of orgasms in girl/girl scenes. [Link]
matchmaker Senior Member 24909 Posts 4/05	Posted - Aug 15 2012 : 1:33AM Gore Gore Girl wrote: I didn't think wahine was saying they have more orgasms in features. I think she was saying the representation was more realistic. That's why she used quotation marks. Click to expand Thanks for the explanation! But at the same time, it would be tough to tell what a "realistic" orgasm would be if many women have orgasms in various ways and how some women might have orgasms similar to those in feature movies while other women might have orgasms similar to the sex that happens in gonzo. [Link]
ass_clown Member 42 Posts 5/12	Posted - Aug 15 2012 : 1:47AM SexShopGrl wrote: ^ I don't see many actual female orgasms in porn at all. Click to expand That is why I only watch amateur porn, I also don't watch dunb ass reality tv either for the same reason, it is all staged and fake [Link]