First of all, all of this truly depends on who your wife is and how you think she would react to knowing about your solo porn life. One woman might understand, and allow you your "free time," but another might not, taking offense to the fact that you need to get off without her sometimes with your "dirty smut." You are the only one who can be the judge of this.

With that said, if you choose to watch porn in secret, keep in mind that you will eventually be caught. When you live with someone, there is no escaping this, period. You may get away with it for years, but eventually she will come home early, wake up in the middle of the night, whatever; and she will find out what you are doing. What happens here can range from "no big deal" to "severe"; if your wife is someone who won't understand your porn watching, then her reaction may be much worse than if you would have simply told her upfront.

What would I do? Personally, I just wouldn't keep this secret from her. I'd either try to involve her more with the kind of porn that I like, try to tell her that I need this "alone time" sometimes, or just give it up. I'd rather set the record straight in the beginning than have to explain myself unexpectedly one day when I am surprised. But hey, that's just one unmarried guy's opinion.

Edited by - getcool on 1/2/2005 11:07:29 PM

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DVD Wishes...it isn't that she would get mad that I'm watching porn. As you pointed out, she is cool with it as long as we do it together.

I suppose it's just part of the adjustment of living with someone. Just like I can't "leave the seat up" anymore, I will have to limit my porn renting to like once a month. The good side of that will be that when I go to rent, there will be so many good titles out that I'll have plenty to choose from. I guess the only real loser in this situation is the video store owner that I rent my porn from.

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Her tastes run more to the mental than visual (reading Penthouse Letters as opposed to watching a movie). However that can be very enjoyable as well by having one read stories to the other as they are going down on you.

Honesty/openness is key. Find out what turns her on and adjust your playtime accordingly. You will be well rewarded in the end (so to speak anyway ).

RT

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Gradually ease into the harder-core, like over the course of a few years. Until you get there, get your fix on the internet.

Also, if you can figure out what her fetish/turn on is, incorporate that into your own, if at all possible (i.e. combine your foot fetish with a total-body lick fest including cunnilingus). People are Pavlovian creatures - they associate action A with response B over time.

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Mine is an alternative view, and it won't be a happy one, or give you much that you can use.

I've been married to ths same women for 20 years, and she is pretty much the prude when it comes to sex. She HATES porn. I've been watching porn since long before I hooked up with her, close to 30 years, and I'm in here, so I obviously didn't give it up.

I guess it becomes just another one of those idiosynchratic things about your partner that you may not be that thrilled about, but it's not enough to make a big stink over, or to draw a line in the sand upon. She knows I still watch it, and isn't too thrilled about it, but she doesn't say anything about it. I in turn, don't flaunt it or shove it in her face. I don't spend a lot of money on it, or watch it indiscriminately. For most of our lives, our work schedules have either been opposite or overlapping, so there has always been time when I was home when she wasn't, and vice-versa. So it is during those times, or when she's asleep that I indulge my fantasies. Plus, since we have kids, it ain't like I'm poppin' in a tape or dvd in every spare moment that I have.

Plus, the computer has made things a lot more palatable and a lot less obtrusive. I watch most of my porn, DVD's and the net, on the computer now, which offers a lot more privacy, as opposed to the TV and DVD player which are located in the living room and bedroom.

I suppose in the ideal or fairy-tale world, all relationships have 100% trust, honesty, and openness, and your wife shares exactly the same fantasies and fetishes as you, and you live 75 years together, in bliss and harmony, always on the same page. But I still think that might be the exception to the rule. After awhile, most people uncover their partner's foibles and warts, decide what they can and can't live with, and then just make out the best that they can. And you constantly make adjustments in some of your stances and positions, for the greater good.

BSD

P.S. -

Like someone above me mentioned, I do not go out to bars, don't drink, and don't chase other women, so I guess my old lady figured this might be a reasonable price to pay.

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I was married for 9 years. I wasn't raised to ever say "no" to your husband, so I was always available to him. He snuck nudie mags from day one, and I always knew about it. Part of his kick was thinking that he was doing something secretly behind my back.

I was not, and certainly am not, a prude. However, those magazines hurt me down deep somewhere that isn't ever going to heal. I felt like I just couldn't compete with those beautiful paper women. No matter what I would do for him in the real world, his fantasy women were better than me. I hated him. I hated for him to touch me, because I just knew he must be fantasizing about them.

I never did say "no". Not even the night before I threw him out. I've heard that other women raised a bit differently just shut down on their husbands altogether. "You want your porn, go, have it and leave me alone." They pour their energy and caring into their homes and kids, and maybe a nice man on the outside who doesn't look at porn.

My suggestion to you: Don't sneak porn behind your wife's back. Either give up your alone time, be honest with her about it, or don't get married.

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"Vegetarianism for me is about saying ‘yes’ to things - even meat." - Coupling

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DenverDon

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NJ Films Inc

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Allow me to put forth the following scenario -

You're around hot, completely naked young girls every day and there's not a damn thing you can do about it except make sure the battery for your camera is charged.

My advice - when you suggest that you'd like some "me" time to watch some smut, she'll probably get bent outta shape. Most women are insecure, even seemingly well-adjusted ones. Honesty is very important but I'd keep your private sessions to yourself.
Quaze

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My wife is not a prude in as much as she does not have a big sex drive or any major curiousities about spicing up the sex life and such. She works from home so is there pretty much all the time. My time to watch is the morning before I go to work and she is sleeping or if she is showering...

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Um, I'd say, find out if there's any porn she might want to watch on *her* own (I like gay porn, myself) and then you can each have "private time" in addition to the things you choose to watch together.

(Of course, dude, for all you know, she already *is* checking out stuff on her own. Haha.)

Comstock Films

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Sometimes the trite old clichés tell it best: "Honesty is the best policy".

And Kimi, for what it's worth coming from a total stranger: You are beautiful.

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I wouldn't mind as long as it didn't become an obsession, or start to interfere with the sexlife.

For once however, I have to disagree with something Quaze said about most women being insecure. If the situation were reversed, if she had an addiction to masturbating by herself with a stack of porn featuring good looking guys (let's pretend for a second that these videos even existed in straight porn) would most men would be fine with this? I don't think so!

Call me cynical, but there could be a damn good reason that there are so few young attractive guys in straight porn, and it's not because of wood problems if you know what I mean.

Double standards? <<<<[[[[

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Watching porn together is nice.
And watching it while one half of a couple is away for an extended period shouldn't be a problem. Again it shouldn't be a secret. Quite the opposite.
But I suppose a dirty phone call with said spouse should be even better.
Perhaps the two combined?

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Quaze

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And Quaze, it can't be easy being married to a pornographer under the best of circumstances

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How are casual consumers supposed to know that a particular movie might appeal to the non-gonzo crowd (of either gender), if the front cover looks the same as your average RLD flick.

Some food for thought for the cover designers?

Oh, and just to set the record straight.
Any advice I might offer on wedded bliss should be taken with a grain of salt, as I've unfortunately not had the pleasure of meeting the one .

So don't worry ladies, this K is still single and currently available. <<<<[[[[

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And don't worry about opportunity. Believe me, there will be (plenty) of mainstream movies that you'll watch alone. Or TV. Maybe not in the first months, but suddenly real life will arrive.

She is a human being, you know? She also has interests. You won't spend all the time together. (And that won't mean that you don't love each other.)

She likes and accepts porn. That's great! So there is no reason to hide. Be honest with her.

Watch porn in the time you would use to watch Die Hard (or, if you want, The Seventh Seal ) alone. She'll be doing things by herself. Just remember (again) to be honest. Don't tell her you're watching The Seventh Seal and suddenly she opens the door and... Wow!

And talk to her about the (porn) movies she wants to see. Don't rent a film she is dying to watch and say: "hey, I want my time alone."

And, aftewards, talk to her about the film you had seen. It may have a good scene you might want to show her.

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If it means that I can't have a "ball draining cock pull-a-thon" anymore (I remember seeing that on some compilation once) then so be it. Better to have communication and trust than a jerk session anyway.

This has been very helpful. Now...any suggestions about living with her cat?

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-T.C.

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I wouldn't give a FRANKENBERRY if my girlfriend, wife, lover, mistress (maybe not mistress) or whoever wanted to watch porn. hell, I'd sit there and watch her or hope she asked me to join it.

I thought women were supposed to be all sexual and open these days, exploring their bodies and such. but from those comments it's like men should not even think about it because we do too much "exploring."

damn that!

there are a lot of women out there who just don't care for sex, period! mayb be good for a relationship but they see sex as a chore. which is really sad in a lot of ways because I think even nuns and priests should fuck and have kids. stopping such a natural act like that is insane.

I'm sure a lot of guys out there would not like seeing their wife or girlfriend watching adult videos with dudes in them, which is probably an untapped market, and getting off. unless it was a male masturbation film I'd sit down and watch with her or sit in the corner even if it was and watch her.

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I made it clear to her that watching porn is nothing more than amusement for me, it's like a fantasy that will never come reality. So I showed a her a few shemale flicks and after a while I managed to convince her - it's obviously not realistic that I would do that in real life, with the lack of transsexuals In my region. I did confess to her that I had done it before, just for the experience. Instead of getting all those feelings of insecurity again, she asked me curiously about how it was, that 'tranny humping'.

It turned out to be a great discussion cause she learned more of my personal history, and I ended up knowing all of her dirty deeds in the past (at least the things she told me.). Aferwards, I asked her if she wanted to look for other (straight) porn stuff, but she refused to do that and told me (here comes that cliche again) just to be honest and nothing more.

She got a little carried away in the next few weeks ('Shall I buy you a strap-on honey?' 'Ooh, let's go to that sex shop and get ourselves some butt-plugs.''Why don't you show me your blowing skills?''Oh honey, Rupaul's on tv!'), but that faded away quickly.

Funny thing is, that I felt kind of jealous when I saw her vibrator for the first time. But I thought, if she could handle my masturbating habit, why shouldn't I be able handle hers?

And nowadays were a happy couple. Just wanted to share this.

''The unexamined life is not worth living''

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Valentino if I were you and she looked to be a little worked up during a lesbian scene (if you watch porn together that is) I would begin the bisexual fantasy comments on her. I'm not down with she-males nor am I into creampies. having said that there are probably 50 dudes out there who are into she-males and 200 more into creampies. it's just a question of personal preference. you saw her dildo and became a bit jealous and rightfully so. whatever idiot invented the dildo re-enforced the dellusion in women everywhere that all guys are 12 inches long and as fat as a Chicago style polish sausage.

bottom line being if she doesn't like porn she should except it, because the fellas can back me up when I say there a thousands of things women do that we're forced to accept. what's wrong with a little porn watching every once and awhile?

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a. He'll compare me to these young, pretty, shapely women, and he'll think I'm unattractive.

OR

b. I think he's unhappy with our sex life

OR

c. He might pressure me into doing the hardcore sex acts that he sees in the films.

Some of the magazines recommend the wife have an honest discussion with the husband, and even find some porn they can watch together (REdbook). Other magazines (Ladies HOme Journal) say that the husband is a degenerate, who better ditch the porn, or else. (BTW, a lot of these magazines nowadays have ads for companies that sell sex toys for women).

I think the guy who started this thread should at least keep his solo porn habit from getting too excessive. If he wants his wife-to-be to think of him as her #1 man, he's got to keep his time spent watching nude women to a reasonable level. And maybe he ( or any guy reading this) should ask himself, "What if my wife was watching Erik Everhard films once a week? [Hey, EE's young, cute and in great shape]. What if she starts comparing me to him?"

Back around a year ago on RAME, a man whose porn habit had gotten out of control and who was neglecting his wife, wrote in to ask for advice. Another man replied with the following: "Porn will never love you. Porn will never hug you. Porn will not take care of you when you are sick, or feeling down. Porn will not be there in an emergency."

Well said.

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Be happy with what you have, and make some sacrifices if you must. It sounds like it will be well worth it.

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scipio

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I'm not sure how analogous that is to the porn, and I'm not trying to get into a discussion about how one is different because it's real people vs. fantasy . . .

But considering how those things make me feel, I say be honest with her, and figure out a way to include her even more. It could alienate her of you don't.

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"Do you mind if I watch it alone?"
That gets it out in the open and you're being considerate of her feelings. Tell her exactly why you watch porn and the type of porn you choose. You don't want her interpreting your actions the way Kimi Lixx did (sorry to hear your story Kimi, hugs ).

Your noble intentions could be interpreted incorrectly. For example, you sneak your porn around thinking if she found it she may become uncomfortable or upset. She thinks you hide it because you don't find her attractive and aren't satisfied.

About the cat... if it's an annoyance I suggest you arrange an "accident", otherwise they're harmless (unless you're allergic, then she needs to find it a new home) The sadist in me agrees with shaving it... and her beaver while you're at it.

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How would I feel? I decided a long time ago that one cannot "own" another person. I don't own her body or her mind, and I certainly can't own her fantasies.

If this is a part of who she is, then I can learn to like it, learn to cope with it, or just go away. If sometimes she wants to fantasise that she is fucking Steve Holmes or Brandon Iron instead of me, then I need to learn how to play along.

What would I not tolerate? Secrets and lies. If she can't trust me then I can't trust her. End of story.

Sole Brother - I agree with those here who have advised you to be open and honest about it. Oatmeal's approach seems very sensible.

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My interest in porn actually satisfied my wife's (back then girlfriend's) curiosity. She was shocked at first but then warmed up to all the various things we could do together. When we finally tied the knot we kept things open. She would often tell me what movies she wanted (which were mostly involving two girls with a guy) and boy was I surprised. We're now in our early 30's (been together since our teens) and sex has been better than when he had at it when we first met.

She's looking hotter now then when we first met and her appetites now involve multiple partners (which we are still in the process of satisfying). We've gone through almost all the situations you described Sole Brother and actually have a laugh when we reminisce catching each other masturbating in front of the tube. Most of the time now we try and catch a flick together but with different work schedules (me during the day and her at night) we have to do the one handed nasty by ourselves a few times a week. But when we get days off together we enjoy the movies together.

I guess my advice is to try it slow and don't be pushing each other too quickly. Introduce a bit at a time and who knows she may surpise you as well.

Have fun Sole B and yes, married life can be a lot of fun.

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I used to work nights, so it was easy to do it in the morning after she left for work but before I needed to sleep for the day. Once I started working days, I wondered how am I going to get in all my porn needs? I would come home early once in awhile to get it taken care of, but then I just started staying up late. Once or twice a work week I might not get to bed until 3 am, and get get to work for 9ish.

Obviously she knows I am renting porn (she sees it on the credit card) but I guess doesn't care as long as I keep it somewhat hidden.

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After you do that a couple of times, she's more than likely to tell you the same thing some time... After all, girls do masturbate, and they do it even while in a relationship.

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