To help the adult video industry work itself out of these hard economic times, I offer these can't miss video ideas for free:
Outside the Box is a video feature in which I spend the first 20 minutes awkwardly pressing my erection into Kristina Rose's taint, softly asking her to help me put it in, then shamefully begging the crew not to judge me for my sexual incompetence. In the end, I just settle for a handjob while asking if kissing is allowed.
Do you like cell phones? How about asses? If you've answered "Yes" to either, then you'll probably change your mind after watching Booty Call, a video in which I set my iPhone on vibrate, insert it into various female performers' anal cavities, then tell one of my friends that I've lost my phone and to please keep calling until it turns up. Did I mention that my friend is really my great aunt Ruth, who is distrustful of technology?
In My Dinner with Jessica, Wicked contract girl Jessica Drake joins me for dinner where she eats like a pig while not gaining weight and I keep wondering how much longer it will be before I can excuse myself to go masturbate. Because this will be a Wicked feature (naturally), expect director Brad Armstrong to self servingly write himself a scene where he eats my tiramisu while wearing a condom.
In the spirit of series such as "Cuties" and "Bombshells," video production powerhouse Elegant Angel brings us Fair to Middling, which guarantees that all female performers will be at least as attractive as Meredith Vieira, but no more sexy than Parker Posey.
If there's one thing we've learned from the Japanese it's that any country can make faulty automobiles. But if there are two things they've taught us, it's that any country can make a shitty car AND that a culture's obsession with schoolgirls can be just as profitable as it is creepy. With this in mind, look for Happy School Time Melancholy Fun Party, the ongoing porn series that combines hot schoolgirls and cheerleaders with soul crushing teenage rejection. What's that noise you hear? Is it the soft moans of an imminent female orgasm? No, it's an effete high school junior muffling his sobs in the cafeteria as some asshole discretely finger bangs the girl he's had a crush on since the 6th grade . Watch this, and similar scenes, from the privacy of your own pathos.
Look for This Ain't My Life XXX, the porn parody of my own existence. That is to say, it is just as absurd as my own life, except this version has sex in it.
Edited by - diville on Jan 25 2012