Today I have been in a somewhat reflective mood and have been considering how the anal play aspect of sex has altered in the 7 years I have been with my present gf. Long before I met my present gf I was pretty much obsessed by anything and everything relating to hetero anal sex and past relationships had, I'll readily admit, been coloured by the degree of anal involvement in the relationships sexual side.
I had only dated my girl a couple of times and it was on one of our first sexual liasons together when I first asked her if I could 'fuck her in the ass' (maybe I phrased it differently at the time ). I recall she had stated that I could do 'anything I liked to her' and to me that was a gift horse that would not be wasted through excessive mouth gazing! This was her first time and I did the best I could to make the experience as good for her as I could, partly for her benefit and partly for pure self interest. In many ways in our first few years, given that when we met she was still a month short of 17 and I was 24, I think she basically just gave me what I wanted on a plate; she expected to be satisfied sexually, but that was as far as her input tended to go. In those early years as for much of our relationship we have probably fucked maybe twice a week (bear in mind we have lived apart for most of that time so only slept together a couple of nights a week) and have probably included anal play in 75% of those times and anal sex itself probably once a fortnight. That said, there have been times we have gone a month or so without anal sex and other times when we have included it much more. Generally the frequency has been dictated much more by her than by me. It would be fair to say that for much of our relationship anal sex has been something she has done more for me than for herself . My gf has rarely found it unpleasant, and has frequently enjoyed it but the fact remains that she has always preferred the sensation of vaginal penetration more so given the choice that is what she plumped for. The only real exceptions to this has been during her period where on many occasions she has actively sought out penetrative sex when her ass has been the only avenue available. The other major exception occured about 3 years ago and at the time I thought it may represent a watershed in our sex life. We had gone on holiday to Corfu, my gf was not on her period having altered her cycle deliberately to avoid the holiday time, and the ifrst day we arrived she asked me to fuck her in her ass! In the first 4 days of the holiday she instigated sex on 5 occasions and each time she made it quite clear that it was her anus that needed my attentions (ok, so her clit as well!) and not her pussy. Quite what led to this state of affairs I never learnt but it didn't turn out to be the awakening I had hoped for and things returned back to normal again. Almost from day one she has enjoyed digital stimulation and licking during oral sex. For many years it was most apparent to me from her reactions that her orgasms were strongest whilst giving her oral if I inserted a finger or two in her ass - timing always being a critical factor though. Interestingly though, she obviously enjoyed the experience long before she was comfortable admitting she enjoyed it; almost as if she was comfy with the idea of doing anal (finger, penis, whatever) to please me but the thought that she might actually actively want and seek it out was something she was not so comfy with. This brings us onto more recent times. For much of the latter half of 2003 this aspect of our lovemaking took something of a slump. Although my gf was still prepared for the odd session for my benefit, the very fact that it was quite obviously just for my benefit is hardly much of a turn on for me either. For someone as anally obsessed as myself this was a sad state of affairs and I begun to think that at last this must be the long term outcome; the status quo that will hold sway for the rest of our relationship. My gf actually told me that she didn't really want fucking in the ass any more which was not something I wanted to hear, although of course I'd rather be told than for her to keep up any silly pretence. At the end of November she allowed me inside her ass for the first time in a couple of months and a few days later our circumstances changed as we bought a house and moved in together. Early December was rather tumultuous and for a couple of weeks we had but a couple of intimate moments as other things took precedence. Although I again penetrated her anally on one of these occasions there was little sign to me of what was to come next. A couple of weeks ago, just around Christmas we had a mega session. We had visited York a week before and I had bought her a massage bar; like a bar of soap except that it is hardened masage oil that liquifies in the heat of your hands. On this night I had debuted the bar and spent 15-20 mins massaging and oiling her body. Then followed maybe another 15 mins of more genitally focussed oiling as I licked and rubbed the oil all around between her legs and into her holes (er no, not her ears and nose, just the holes between her legs). What followed, in an uncharacteristically studly performance by myself, was around an hour of fucking (+ clit vibe) spread over three rooms, two holes and one staircase. Let me say though that although she came strongly through anal + clit vibe she still asked on several occasions for me to go back to her pussy. As an aside, this was one of the occasions where we did something i try not to , A2P. I started sensibly enough, she being more than happy with A2M, but the whole occasion was very raw and unscripted and before long we were chopping and changing without caring about bacteria or anything so unsexy! Let me repeat though, on several occasions she still asked me to go backto her pussy. Afterwards she gave me a kiss and said just how much she loved the fuck. Several days later, sometime just before New years eve and as we started to get a bit horny together I asked her if she fancied another multi-hole fuck marathon (my exact words) and she was all smiles. I'll cut to the chase here: after much penetration and interspersed oral both ways she told me her pussy was too sore to carry on I asked her if she'd like me to cum and her reply was better than I could have imagined 'no, keep fucking me in my bum, I don't want to stop yet' Since then we have fucked twice, totally anal during her 'painters days' and a bit of everything two days ago. Yesterday, having thought to myself that I'd better back off the anal a bit lest she kibosh the whole shooting match and whilst driving along down the road she shouts to me over the cd player (Queens' greatest hits playing) and totally out of the blue 'I don't know why but I'm so enjoying anal sex with you now, maybe I'm relaxng into it more or something'. My reply was ' Hang on, I think I'd better turn this music off... now what did you just say'
Well, this has been rather a long post and in some ways not entirely relevant to this section. What is important though is how things change and indeed change when you least expect them to or when you stop trying and allow things to evolve in a more organic way. I have known (or at least suspected) from my gfs obvious enjoyment of digital anal stimulation for many years that the barriers to her actually appreciating and wanting anal sex, as opposed to her doing it as a treat to me, were wholly mental in nature but that was something she has had to work through herself and although it's hard a few months of backing off (which she enforced) was maybe a blessing in disguise after all!!
Yours, SNP.
Edited by - Sir Noel Plum on Jan 6 2004
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DenverDon Benevolent
Firmly Embedded in Depravity 5914 Posts 7/02
Posted - Jan 6 2004 : 10:48PM
Wow, this almost belongs in the story forum.
But well done SNP for working through it for both of your enjoyments.
I almost posted it in the story forum but as all the other recent threads in there were fictional I felt justified posting it in here.
Not sure I deserve any praise though! I admit I am delighted that something of fundamental importance to me (really it is) should (fingers crossed) resolve itself in a way that promises so much now, and not just to me, to both of us.
Thanks for sharing. My wife and I explored anal as well but she only likes it if she has a few drinks and even then she complains it burns. But once we get into it she loves it. I do know what I am doing since I have had gf's into it and know how to do the warmup and move slowly.
I have a feeling that I have a long way to go, but I think eventually she may come to like it and maybe even one day demand it.
Lucky you; my wife and I have only been married for six months, but we have been together for over four years. For the record I am really turned on by all forms of hetero anal, fingers, toys, rimming and actual intercourse.
We we first started dating we had actual anal intercourse about once a month. I always went very slow, used lots of lube and tried to make it pleasurable for her; my cock is pretty average, so it wasn't like I was trying to shove a monster in there. It never really hurt her, but she just didn't experience much pleasure from it. After she figured she had "caught" me it came to an end. I'll oftern rim her during oral or slip a finger into her ass during oral and sometimes she lets me, but usually tells me to get away from her ass.
A year ago or so I bought her Tristan's anal sex book for women, she kinda half-ass read it, but it's sat in the nightstand ever since. Shorty after that we were fucking, she was on her back on the bed and I was standing and my cock accidently hit her rosebud, as it wasn't real vigourous fucking, maybe 1/2" went in. I made some comment about fucking her ass, more joking thatn anything, and she said lets go, so I luber the hell out of both of us and slid on it. She tolerated it, said it didn't hurt, but she obviously needed more practice......music to my ears!! A couple of days later we were getting warmed up and she asked me if I wanted to go in her ass, honey, no need to ask twice, so again, lots of lube, slow and easy. Basically the same result, no real pain, no pleasure, but she did say it made her feel kind of nauseaus. And then it was gone no more anal sex.
I would continued to occasionally slip a finger in her ass during oral, and even though she would protest, it was quite obvious that she really enjoyed it. One night I was going down on her, had a couple of fingers in her pussy working her g-spot and really had her going I slipped a finger in her ass, it totally sent her over the edge. She told me she came as hard as she ever had and it was definitely the anal stimulation that sent her over the edge. The next time I was giong down on her I tried the same thing was she told me to get away from her ass. A month or so ago I bought the Sinclair institute anal sex DVD and watched it with her, one of the suggestions was for the woman to slide a finger into her ass while she was taking a shower to try to get comfortable with somethign in her ass. She tells me she's been doing this and also said she more open to anal play after watching the DVD, but I'm going (at least going to try) to let her take this at her pace.
What I have discovered, or at least my theory, is that she really enjoys anal play, but she doesn't think she should, so she has a psychological barrier to it. Hopefully we can slowly work through this and soon she'll be wanting anal play on a regular or at least semi-regular basis, but I sure don't know what else I can do to encourage her.
You're a lucky man that has a partner that enjoys anal, I envy you for it, but hopefully I'll be in that situation in the near future.....fingers crossed and knocking on wood. I know that she would really enjoy it all if she could just let herself go mentally. Damn, I typed a helluva lot more than I planned on, hope I didn't bore y'all to death!
I know, I give out this link indiscriminately, like it's popcorn or Halloween candy or something, but yet again, here's my favorite link on anal sex, the one with Jack Morin.
You might want to show it to your wife. But I recommend against pressuring her. There is a huge difference between willingness and enthusiasm, as Sir Noel has pointed out. Oh, yadda yadda... many relevant statements on this recent thread on blowjobs and cum.
It can take a while for sexuality to evolve. Things change. For women things usually start out all fucked up because they are told if they do anything at all they are whores. It isn't any different here on this board. Quit the whore shit, be as happy about your daughters running around and getting some as you are about your sons, and this will all go away in a couple of generations.
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AlexPanzer Deactivated User
1593 Posts 6/03
Posted - Jan 8 2004 : 7:32AM
Both are the interestsing posts from SNP and I_love_her_ass. Anyone else got anything like them?
I had tried anal sex several times before my husband and it always hurt and I could never get into it. Then after being with my husband and trying it with him, it hurt the first few times and I didn't enjoy it, we didn't do it very much in the beginning (we've been together about 8 years.) But I'd say the last 2 or 3 years I've really been able to relax and enjoy it, and I now sometimes prefer it. I have much stronger orgasms from anal.
Good bit of thinking that Harri, maybe that was the reason, it hadn't occured to me .Point taken Rob. However, I wasn't trying to insinuate that some forms of anal between a man and a woman weren't heterosexual rather that my obsession only relates to womens derrieres. I realise that my statement is not really accurate anyway because to be 'obsessed by anything and everything' would involve me being penetrated which, whilst something I've given a go in the past is not really something I'm that interested in (or turned on at the thought of). So then, I agree with you that I phrased things clumsily, just not quite in the sense you state.I'm sure you're right about this mental barrier thing and I think the only thing that will convince her she really does enjoy it (during oral, as you state) is overwhelming evidence! That will come in its own time. I reckon for now every time you can improve her orgasm with anal stimulation is a step in the right direction and each time she allows you to do this she is a little bit further down the line toward simply accepting she enjoys it rather than worrying whether she should be doing it, will you 'find' something up there, will she be clean, will it hurt and all the other uncertainties she may have. Once she is comfortable accepting the principle of something going up there (a finger), and the fact that it is okay to find it enjoyable, then probably most of her concerns regarding full anal penetration will already be mostly allayed.
Matrixman, When she says it 'burns' it makes me wonder what lube you use. My sugestion is that the burning sensation is often caused by small abrasions or tears around the anus which may be through the sex you are having or may have already been there (overzealous post-shit arsewiping for example). Use saliva or any wayer based lubricants and you are guaranteed a burning pain just as much as when you graze your knee and then go for a bath. My suggestion would be to avoid water based lubes and saliva and stick to silicone or oil based lubes (which I think are better lubricants anyway).
My wife & I dated for a year and a half in high school, and being teenagers screwed like the proverbial rabbits. During all that time, she stated a distinct dislike of anal sex on her. It's not that she had ever tried it, but her instincts told her she wouldn't.
I'd never tried it, but was curios as hell to give it a go.
We broke up but stayed friends, and some 6 years later started dating again. During that time neither of us had tried anal.
Imagine my surprise when on the 4th night of sleeping together again (dated awhile before the sex started backup), after a few good minutes of warming up, she directed me straight to her rosebud!
That's the first time either of us had tried anal sex, and we both absolutely loved it. It's been a stable fixture of our sex life ever since, and if I am ever in the mood for it all I have to do is ask. That's if she hasn't already decided that's what she wants... (we're amazingly in tune in that regards).
Am I keeping it in perspective? Trying to. Things like this never come easy to me. The standard line trotted out is always to 'talk things through' but whilst it is right that you should be able to talk openly with your partner it can tend to spoil the spontaneity rather. I'm sure if we'd always discussed and pre-sanctioned everything we've done together sexwise over the years the whole thing would have been rather dull and predictable. Consequently I'm not liable to do anything other than play each occasion by ear which any athlete would tell you is a 'submaximal way to train' but probably about the most sensible way to avoid, as you suggest, a withdrawal of goodwill!
Did we always use lube and go slow? No. Generally these were points we followed but there were times when saliva was all that was involved and times when we fucked hard and fast. First let me say that the hard and fast bit was/is never a problem with us, the key has been in starting slow and gentle but after a few minutes the only concern has ever been thrusting too deep or occasionally at a bad angle. I always wonder whether the lube issue is maybe more of a concern for circumcised guys than uncircumcised? The dynamics of penetration are quite different (as can be seen in porn) and if your thrusts are fairly short a circumcised penis moves more or less within its own skin with regard to much of its length which must greatly reduce the frictional load. Just thinking on my feet here but at say a thrust rate of 2 per second if you go for 10 minutes that would be 1200 thrusts which is 2400 passes of skin on skin: lube is clearly going to be an issue here! For an uncircumcised male where the skin of his penis, for the most part, remains in situ and the skin on skin effectively takes place within the shaft and on the lower glans I don't see this being quite so likely to be such a major issue. Although it is not often said, I feel a major issue with lube involves water based lubes. If you use a water based lube any micro tear or abrasion, even if you can't see it, causes a stinging sensation. This I assume is akin to submersing a cut/graze elsewhere in the bath or the even more relevant diarrhoea 'sting' when a watery shit follows an over exuberant wiping session. I can tell you that on occasion we have started off with an oil or silicone based lube and then either saliva or a water based lube has started her stinging which is what I base my conclusions on.
Gavin. I found your story very interesting. Have you found out from her since what triggered her into giving it a go with you or have you any thoughts on why her attitude may have changed over those few years? As I say I found your story interesting but I think I'd find the story behind what preempted the change more interesting still!
I agree not being spontaneous could lead to quite a dull sex life. Thats the beauty of not thinking before doing an action -- but keeping it with someone you ultimately trust.
Water based lubes are always better with condom use but since I, like yourself, am in a "long-term" weve pretty much stuck to silicone. That is one something that is never mentioned but you described it quite well -- it being how water based lubes do irritate the skin such as water irritates paper cuts. Quite funny the diarrhoea reference! HaHa
Speaking of anal -- do you think the actresses in porn feel the same problems with anal, as far as speed not being an issue, but angle & depth being a concern? Good point you brought up.
I just ran across this topic and thought I'd share a little from my perspective as well, based on Noel Plum's post. It is interesting how his gf went from back and forth from asking for it to avoiding it completely and back again.
I have always had a big anal fetish and thus I always wanted to try anal with each girl I dated but did not until the woman who is now my wife. She is a very strong-willed, independant woman who never takes crap from anyone, so I thought she would balk at the thought of anal sex, finding it degrading, but she has been accomadating and brought it up once or twice during vaginal sex, asking if I would like to "try the other one".
In the first year of dating, I slowly worked up to the point of fingering her anally while orally pleasuring her, this she has seemed to enjoy fairly often (I was only waved away from her ass on a few occassions). Anal sex happened with no words for the first time, I simply moved from her vagina to her ass and slid it in. It was slow moving and afterwards she described the experience as "strange", but I did not get waved away!
Since then I tried weeks later, but she reacted stronly against it, so I figured that was the end of any chance of anal sex. It was a year before anything happened again, other than rimming and fingers. She asked during missionary if I would like to try. She was on her back on the bed, scooted to the edge, I lifted her legs and slowly worked in, with some prepatory finger play. All was great this time. I subsequently purchased some lube, hoping it would be a mainstay in our sex life.
Since then, she has only asked one other time if I would like to move on to the other hole. Otherwise, we have moved to anal without speaking, we move through first orgasms for both of us, then I can warm up her ass with my tongue and fingers and generally hint that I would like anal sex and usually she does not protest. I focus on whether or not she is enjoying it, and I think she does seem to, mostly.
The problem is that due to my wife's chronic back problems we do not have sex very often, sometimes just once or twice a month. So when she is okay for sex I try to cram in everything I would want to do ever during sex so it might seem overwhelming. This happened recently when after our first shared orgasm, I was again back at her for regular sex, I asked if she would mind if I moved to her other hole, she thought for a brief moment and shook her head no. Ah well, I kept going where I was and finished up, no harm done.
I have bought an All-Sex Guide, but she has yet to flip through it, even though I bought it almost a year ago. I joke about it, she sees me reading it, but she does not seem interested in reading the well-worn pages on anal play. She knows how much I enjoy so hopefully we can include it again soon. I don't see my interest in all things anal fading any time soon! ;)
I'm 'owed' one at the moment, it was my birthday yesterday and events conspired to deprive me of my 'Birthday Fuck'. The irony is that we had a real nasty fuck the day before, on valentines day, and the only reason it was anal-free (well, not totally if you count three fingers and a tongue)was because I wanted to save something for my birthday!!
I can vouch for this. Got circumcised late in life, about 5 years ago. Now I need lube for anything. Hardly ever needed it before. You wouldn't believe how much you can miss that little fold of skin.
Natural 6 - review by Captain Jack
Posted - Jan 6 2004 : 9:59PM