Porn and Girlfriends/wives

Author	Post
Bobcat Senior Member 1490 Posts 2/08	Posted - Sep 28 2008 : 3:52PM I was wondering what stories you have and problems you have all encountered when introducing the topic of porn to your partners? I've had reactions that range from histrionics and sobbing, with me having to give my DVD's away, to that of mild tolerance. None of my gf's have ever been that comfortable with porn and at times I've struggled with how hard to push them to watch. should you push someone to watch porn if they say they don't like it? Fortunately for me, my current gf will watch some porn with me, but in truth she's more interested in the girls hair cuts, she's a hairdresser you see, than watching sex, well that's what she tells me! So my questions are, how does/did your partner reacted to your porn? Will they watch with you and did you have to push for them to do so? Btw, womens views are welcome too! Edit: I've placed this in sex talk because in my experience watching porn with ones partner is a prelude to having sex together, is this the case in your relationship? Edited by - bobcat on Sep 28 2008 [Link]
blowfish Member 874 Posts 1/08	Posted - Sep 28 2008 : 6:03PM Been there. Porn does seem to interfere with intimacy when both parties are not into it. [Link]
jayo All-Star Member 2117 Posts 7/04	Posted - Sep 28 2008 : 7:09PM I have no first-experiences to relate to this, so I can only relay what I've heard from my friends. I've known a couple women who claim to watch and like porn with their husbands. But the majority do not. Most of my male friends like it, but I don't know any who say their wives are into it. I know a couple of women who claim they would be more interested if they found the right kind, but don't like what they're seeing. I.e. it's not the act itself, it's attitude, approach, etc. I think that fits: a lot of women I know read romance or crap fiction, and some of the stuff I've seen rivals in detail the stuff I've seen in men's magazines; so it's not that they don't like the stuff. They just don't like what they're getting on DVD. Considering the last bunch of titles I've seen, I can't blame them. [Link]
Kimi Lixx Senior Member 2012 Posts 6/01	Posted - Sep 28 2008 : 9:05PM I watched porn with my boyfriend on our first date - 16 1/2 years ago. (we had an extended break) I don't think we've watched any together since. Except for the odd internet clip here or there, for amusement value, not arousal. I've recently mentioned to him that I'm up for that, but he hasn't made any moves towards it, and neither have I. I have to agree with jayo, too. An awful lot of the porn I've seen just doesn't do anything for me. Some of it is just dull, some of it is actually bad - unarousing. I'm sure that's got to be true for guys, too, but maybe the threshold for guys is higher because the visual is more stimulating or something. I dunno. I have a serious problem with secret viewing. (which is not the same as private viewing) If he hid his porn from me, I'd freak out. It would make me miserably insecure and I'd feel like he was cheating on me. I'd probably give up on the relationship. [Link]
ma meeshka Iconoclastic Member 3939 Posts 4/06	Posted - Sep 29 2008 : 12:50AM stories? i don't really have any. it all depends on the kind of person you are and the kind of partner you attract. it's really something you have to discuss at length before doing. btw, if someone blubbered and cried and put me in a position where i had to give away something i owned, i would rethink my relationship with that person. i can see how someone with wild insecurities might get upset, but i would never concede to emotional blackmail. not a shot at you, bobcat. i don't know the particulars of your situation. just my take on the extreme-response situation. [Link]

Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Sep 29 2008 : 3:28AM Most men enjoy watching porn. If they do but still refrain from watching, they're either sexually ashamed or pussy-whipped. If a woman can't deal with a man's porn watching, she'd probably better stick to women or pussy-whipped and ashamed men. The notion that porn destroys intimacy is female-centric. [Link]
Big Raider Fan Member Ready and willing 133 Posts 8/07	Posted - Sep 29 2008 : 1:20PM I almost always watch porn with my partner. We've been together for a long, long time, and I think we watched porn for the first time together, so there wasn't really an problem introducing it. We both like a pretty wide variety. I suspect we're a bit unusual [Link]
WardqueenJanine Member 914 Posts 2/08	Posted - Oct 1 2008 : 10:37PM I enjoy porn and funny as it might seem, I look at it from an artistically critical view more often than sexual arousal. It's not to say that a lot of porn doesn't turn me on though! When I was married to my first husband we mildly enjoyed porn together and each of us had our own interests and genre' that we collected. It's strange that it wasn't always a huge turn on for us and sometime actually a distraction from sex. However, clients often request porn and I always oblige. I find it to be much more of a turn on under those circumstances, possibly due to the personal detachment or possibly the titillation factor. [Link]
brasilfan Member 130 Posts 2/03	Posted - Nov 1 2008 : 3:01AM My wife likes porn and we watch it together to get started some times. When I met my wife I have made it perfectly clear from the start that I collected porn and that it was important to me. She has no issues with it and like I said is interested herself although she would probably not watch it on her own. She does not have any limitations as far as porn is concerned but she does not really like the build-up of most porn scences, i.e. the teasing bit with the woman presenting her stuff, which is clearly to get the usual male viewer hard. She wants to fast-forward straight to where the action starts and while this is a waste sometimes when the porn girl is hot and tasty, I would not complain about it. I am sure there are a number of girls out there who are the same as my wife but some (most?) would never admit it and rather talk badly about porn and the viewers instead of enjoying it themselves. Sad really! [Link]
ma meeshka Iconoclastic Member 3939 Posts 4/06	Posted - Nov 1 2008 : 4:05AM i don't think people who like porn but won't admit it would talk negatively about it. maybe one or two. most would just keep it to themselves. [Link]
Pagoda Senior Member Thread Killer 1747 Posts 10/05	Posted - Nov 1 2008 : 5:50AM Bobcat wants to know if he should "push her into watching it." The answer to that is, "No." If she doesn't like it, leave it be. You wouldn't physically compel her into any sexual act she didn't want to engage in. Why push her into watching sex when she doesn't want to? That doesn't mean you can't set the stage for her to discover porn on her own. Intentionally get caught with it. "Accidentally" leave it in the DVD player when she's alone in the house. "Forget" to put it back in its hiding place. If she has any curiosity at all, she will watch it. She'll want to know what you're jerking off to. There are three ways it could go. One, she could really like it and ask to watch one with you. Two, she could really like it and keep her interest secret from you. Three, she could dump your ass because she learns you're a pervert. [Link]
minaleigh Member 91 Posts 10/08	Posted - Nov 1 2008 : 9:03PM I think a common reaction women have to finding out their man watches porn is... "what am I not doing for them?" "does he think these women are pretty than me?" "do I have to perform this act to get him off?" All types of insecurities surface and suddenly they get uncomfortable about their sexuality because they realize that there's a portion of their man's sexuality that they didn't know about and didn't explore before. Often times, they weren't even aware of these fantasies. I'm sure that there are some women that would prefer not to know because they don't want to explore their sexuality out of fear, but any healthy woman who's in love with their man will want to talk about and try watching it with their man, even if it's to better understand what turns their man on. Not all woman like watching porn, though. (But there are quite a few that do!) Honestly, I like watching girl/girl and anal porn occasionally, but overall, I feel no real need to watch it unless my husband brings it up. Men often use their visual senses to get turned on and women, well, it depends - women are a mystery. For me, I'm all about the touch sensations and sound. I could just be blindfolded and enjoy sex as much, or even more, than with my eyes open. Most of the time, I feel no need to fantasize to get off because the immediate experience of having sex with a person is enough for me. I can't speak for all women, though. I do use porn to study different techniques and positions try, more than I actually use it to masturbate. As far as approaching women, I think all skeletons should come out of the closet in successful relationships, so it's good to fess up to fantasies and porn collections. Sometimes you realize you have more in common than previously thought and sometimes the truth hurts. Either way, you'll gain more understanding of one another. If she can't handle a naughty side of you, then maybe there's not enough love and acceptance for the relationship to continue. Consider it a blessing in disguise. Truly successful relationships that stand the test of time only happen from loving everything about each other, for better or for worse. No one's perfect. Everyone has their kinks and it's healthy to occasionally indulge in your significant other's fantasies, even if they're not your own. Relationships are a give and take. But make sure whatever you try is something that both parties are comfortable with. Keep the dialog going before and after the experience so there's no confusion about the reality of the situation or any intentions. Cheers. Mina [Link]
ma meeshka Iconoclastic Member 3939 Posts 4/06	Posted - Nov 2 2008 : 1:31AM Pagoda wrote: Mina, you're my new favorite ADTer. You said everything I didn't want to take the time to type. Click to expand +1 to both of those sentiments. i've expressed similar opinions in other threads though. [Link]
Pagoda Senior Member Thread Killer 1747 Posts 10/05	Posted - Nov 2 2008 : 1:40AM ^^^ Mina, you're my new favorite ADTer. You said everything I didn't want to take the time to type. [Link]
minaleigh Member 91 Posts 10/08	Posted - Nov 2 2008 : 1:56AM Thanks Pagoda. Whenever I'm not making porn, talking with my husband or writing code, I'm on the internet. (At least, that's my routine when I'm in LA.) That and I'm a fast typer. (It's the nerd in me.) I appreciate your thoughts as well. Cheers to the feminine perspective! [Link]

love_that_porn Member 246 Posts 9/08	Posted - Nov 2 2008 : 12:38PM ^ Sweet praise to the feminine perspective! Mina, I think my girlfriend would love you for your mind. But she's bi-curious, too! [Link]
minaleigh Member 91 Posts 10/08	Posted - Nov 2 2008 : 1:07PM Aww thank you! I think my mind is my best quality too. You know, the easiest way to get two women into bed together is for them to emotionally and intellectually connect, as well as be a little bi-curious. [Link]
goofy Deactivated User 16 Posts 12/05	Posted - Nov 4 2008 : 9:22AM Mina's postings are some of the most intelligent postings on this board. She would make a terrific sex therapist in private practice. [Link]
minaleigh Member 91 Posts 10/08	Posted - Nov 5 2008 : 3:35PM I considered going to school to become therapist years ago, but then I decided to major in photography and film instead. [Link]
ma meeshka Iconoclastic Member 3939 Posts 4/06	Posted - Nov 5 2008 : 6:11PM Better choice, imo. Which do you prefer? Film or photography? [Link]
minaleigh Member 91 Posts 10/08	Posted - Nov 5 2008 : 9:26PM Photography is all about immediate gratification, while film and tv requires long term commitment. In the world of film and tv, I've been a producer and I love the aspect of bigger productions. I personally love photography, though, and you can still make a big production out of it, especially on fashion shoots. (I love art direction / propping and styling.) Honestly, I can't do just one - I love both. [Link]
Buster Hymen Member 44 Posts 8/08	Posted - Dec 7 2008 : 6:34AM I have caught my girlfriend masturbating to porn a few times but we usually both like watching it together. [Link]
BYOB_Kenobi Senior Member “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Kierkegaard 2684 Posts 8/09	Posted - Oct 4 2009 : 7:35PM brasilfan wrote: My wife likes porn and we watch it together to get started some times. When I met my wife I have made it perfectly clear from the start that I collected porn and that it was important to me. She has no issues with it and like I said is interested herself although she would probably not watch it on her own. She does not have any limitations as far as porn is concerned but she does not really like the build-up of most porn scences, i.e. the teasing bit with the woman presenting her stuff, which is clearly to get the usual male viewer hard. She wants to fast-forward straight to where the action starts and while this is a waste sometimes when the porn girl is hot and tasty, I would not complain about it. I am sure there are a number of girls out there who are the same as my wife but some (most?) would never admit it and rather talk badly about porn and the viewers instead of enjoying it themselves. Sad really! Click to expand Wow, a real keeper. In my experience, even the more benign stuff has been a mood-killer, for what reason I still do not know. [Link]
BYOB_Kenobi Senior Member “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Kierkegaard 2684 Posts 8/09	Posted - Oct 4 2009 : 7:41PM minaleigh wrote: Thanks Pagoda. Whenever I'm not making porn, talking with my husband or writing code, I'm on the internet. (At least, that's my routine when I'm in LA.) That and I'm a fast typer. (It's the nerd in me.) I appreciate your thoughts as well. Cheers to the feminine perspective! Click to expand Jesus Christ, I am glad really hot, nerdy chicks exists. You know you are a nerd when you talk about writing code. [Link]
TedtheBellhop Member 767 Posts 6/09	Posted - Oct 5 2009 : 10:32AM Bob wrote: Most men enjoy watching porn. If they do but still refrain from watching, they're either sexually ashamed or pussy-whipped. If a woman can't deal with a man's porn watching, she'd probably better stick to women or pussy-whipped and ashamed men. The notion that porn destroys intimacy is female-centric. Click to expand This was a tough decision for me to make. As dirty as my lady is in the bedroom, porn brings about enormous feelings of insecurity. I tried to explain to her that, in general, a woman is wired to nest. A man is wired to spread his seed. I didn't ask for it, nature made it that way. I explained that I was willing to shut down nature, but porn was the occasional outlet that made it easier to shun nature. Apparently I don't have a way with words, because that only made it worse. Ultimately, I'm happy in every way (especially in the bedroom). That's why I didn't let it ruin our relationship. And honestly, if I watch a few minutes of VOD every few weeks without her knowledge. We're all a little better off. [Link]

Bob All-Star Member 5516 Posts 3/03	Posted - Oct 5 2009 : 1:48PM ^^^ Everyone has to work out their relationships in their own way. That said, as a 20-year veteran of marriage and a survivor of the spousal porn wars, I think it would be better in the long run for your fiancée to deal with her feelings of insecurity than for you to deal with her feelings for her. [Link]
kantabcd Deactivated User 167 Posts 5/09	Posted - Nov 10 2009 : 1:13PM Edited by - kantabcd on 2/14/2010 12:54:58 PM [Link]
Gore Gore Girl Doctor of the Erotic Arts 7238 Posts 1/09	Posted - Nov 14 2009 : 6:00PM TedtheBellhop wrote: I tried to explain to her that, in general, a woman is wired to nest. A man is wired to spread his seed. I didn't ask for it, nature made it that way. I explained that I was willing to shut down nature, but porn was the occasional outlet that made it easier to shun nature. Apparently I don't have a way with words, because that only made it worse. Click to expand This stuff is not biological, nor exclusively male/female. And even if you believe it is, framing it that way is only going to come across as though you're saying "I can't help it! I'm a man!" This is not very reassuring. It also sounds like an excuse. If a person's wife/husband/partner doesn't like something you do or enjoy, obviously a compromise has to be made if you think the relationship is important enough. And I do empathise with those who have seemingly unresolvable issues in their relationship like this. I don't like the whole lying thing, but whatever works I guess. If she found out, do you think she would leave you? This is perhaps something to consider. Anyway, to respond to the OP, I have had the pleasure of journeying through porn with my partner in the sidecar - due to the nature of my work, and my position as Queen of the Movies, I pretty much make all the movie decisions (which are extremely diverse, for research purposes). My partner generally watches all of them with me, but there have been several "no go" areas for him, and so I have been watching some stuff alone. Edited to soothe my abrasive tone (I must have been in an irritable mood). Edited by - Gore Gore Girl on 11/16/2009 10:06:38 AM [Link]
JohnW Senior Member 1351 Posts 6/08	Posted - Nov 17 2009 : 10:12PM What is there to say really... You have to bring it up in the way that makes the most sense. The earlier you make your attitudes clear, the better. But you can't really trust that she will actually stick by some general philosophical principle that she was in total agreement with on that first date. Jealousy or control issues tend to get the better of people. Take it slowly, carefully find out where she stands and what she will accept and if it doesn't work at all, you really need to have that long talk, with yourself. If it gets this messy over non-excessive porn consumption, chances are there are other things that can become messy as well. Might sound a bit pessimistic but that's how life treats you. I've known several people that turned out to think differently about a lot of issues when they were faced with them. Some times for the better, some times for the worse. [Link]
seedfeeder Member My balls are full, who's hungry? 716 Posts 4/09	Posted - Nov 23 2009 : 3:17PM I've seen mixed reactions. I had a girlfriend that freaked out a bit... but only because she found the bukkake summit movies where the girls drink half a gallon of cum from a beaker lol. Funny part to me was that the girl was quite the slut.... yet was very offended! Another girlfriend snooped around and found some dvds.. I came home to her watching them, she had a whole stack of like 10 of them lol. She wasn't really offended, more embarrassed. Anyway, she's had different reactions that revolve around her own insecurities or lack thereof at other times. I just remembered once in high school when the two hottest girls in school were at my house, and the hottest one was snooping, found a locked drawer in my desk and I lied and said it was locked when I got it and I didn't have the key. Next thing I knew, this hotty bimbo has a foot on the desk and starts yanking it open (breaking the lock lol) and she got it open... to find about 30 jerk off magazines. So what does she do? Sit down on my couch and start going through them all, the two of them talking about the women, asking me questions, etc. It was pretty funny (and quite embarrassing at the time). It really depends on the woman. What women sometimes don't get is how visual men are. Watching porn doesn't make us perverts (in most cases), it makes us visual men, that's what we are, that's how we tend to want to masturbate. For women it's more about fantasy/emotion and them in my opinion. That being said, it's kind of fun to take HER to the porn store, or perhaps get HER some slutty clothes and explore dress up stuff, etc. Watching porn can become research together. Make movies of yourselves and watch them, etc. I think porn becomes dangerous for your relationship when your sex life is weak yet porn abounds (which tends to happen causally eh?) So it's really a good thing if you can communicate, experiment, role play, etc. I feel I have a very healthy sex life, yet I probably have about 1000 dvds and watch my porn now and then. Gonzo might not be the best for a girlfriend, I recommend starting her out with some storyline stuff, which you may have to go back to the 70s or 80s to find. My wife recently saw some thing about how brook hogan (gag) got a stripper pole for her home and got interested. She wants a stripper pole (and she'll get it for xmas). Suddenly we own stripper shoes (even the 8" ridiculous ones), black lights, about 75 different hose/stockings/socks/knee highs/etc., neon clothes, neon makeup, the list is quite long. She had already been dancing for me now and then... but now it's like a weekly thing. It's very cool and something we share and she loves it too since she's the center of attention (isn't that what women really want??) Either way, I guess my main point here is the togetherness issue. If your porn is a big, private secret-it can hurt things. If you can find ways to include her, it should make it okay and even fun. But to just invite her into your little masturbation world is probably not the best approach. Get her exploring sexuality by exploring it with her and pretty soon watching some porn with her now and then would probably be no big deal to either of you. Example: Let's say you want her to watch porn with you. Here are 2 possible approaches you could try that could possibly lead to what you want: 1/ "Hey honey, I thought we could watch this video together tonight, it's called "A Good Source of Iron", it's pretty cool... the girls are on their knees while 20 guys all jerk off into their mouths like cum toilets and they gulp it down and lick all the cocks clean, what do you think?" or 2/ "Hey honey, I have a naughty idea, why don't we go to the adult store together and get you a sexy outfit? I've never done that before and thought it would be a lot of fun to do with you!" Which one do you think might get her excited enough to say yes? [Link]
JohnW Senior Member 1351 Posts 6/08	Posted - Dec 8 2009 : 7:16PM And showing her my current porn collection - no way. I'd really have to be sure she was ready for it. So I'd take my time to find out how she really felt. I've learned that you don't really know people until you've been around them for a couple of years. It takes time to figure out people's quirks, prejudices and real feelings. [Link]
saratoga120 Senior Member 1404 Posts 5/05	Posted - Feb 14 2010 : 2:00PM Girlfriend happens to be a porn star. I don't think we've watched a porn movie together in the nine months we've been seeing each other. But she is amenable to going through my vast collection of images on my computer and picking out the ones she'd like to emulate in poses. On the other hand, until recently she'd been strangely reticent to enjoy web lit-erotica with me (Penthouse Forum type stories). But blessedly all that's changed. [Link]
soragesum Member 78 Posts 3/10	Posted - Mar 16 2010 : 10:36PM Most men enjoy watching porn. If they do but still refrain from watching, they're either sexually ashamed or pussy-whipped. If a woman can't deal with a man's porn watching, she'd probably better stick to women or pussy-whipped and ashamed men. The notion that porn destroys intimacy is female-centric. Click to expand GOD.. so much THIS! If you are on a porn board discussing porn... porn is probably pretty important to you, therefore if any girl you meet has a problem with porn. Turn around and run the other direction as fast as possible. I just don't get it... if I walked in on a girl I was involved with suprised her while she was going to town on a 16" long mold of a horse cock... I would bend her over, bind her, and go to town on her with it. Then I would want her to tell me in excrutiating detail EVERY single deep dark fantasy that she has EVER had. I guess I'm just weird... actually WANTING and NEEDING to know every single thing that could possibly turn my partner on. I'm just funny that way I suppose. [Link]
saratoga120 Senior Member 1404 Posts 5/05	Posted - Mar 17 2010 : 2:54PM Not funny. I know there are things my girlfriend is ashamed to tell me that turn her on. One-by-one I'm able to excise them, however, when she is at her most vulnerable. [Link]