I have a confession to make....I've worked in a sex shop for over two years now. I sell porn and sex toys and lubricant every working day......I recommend and suggest candidates/solutions for my customers needs but, and here's the thing, …........I don't watch porn, I rarely play with toys and I use lubricant as hair serum. It's not that I don't have sex, or think about it, or read erotic novels ( Laurel K Hamilton, Jeaniene Frost et al) but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to overcome a sense of propriety that has been bred in me, bone deep it seems, by my aged parents (I was a late in life miracle child) , the nuns who helped school me and the small town I came of age in. I have all these subconscious triggers which set off feelings of fear and wrongness. It was impressed on me that your body and its functions (especially its functions) were your own private business. I can't remember it said out loud but the implication was that physical needs were considered unavoidable but shameful to contemplate. Sex in any form was on a par with going to the toilet, not something you admitted to pursuing or taking pleasure in. You did it for babies. Unfortunately this whole “sex is shameful” got tangled up in my head with the idea of morality and guilt and it did it in a sneaky way so I didn't even realise it was happening. I seem to remember hearing that a lot of people who fall away from the church in their youth find renewed faith as they get older. I'm not feeling an overwhelming urge to go to mass but I am feeling more and more bound by the heavily censored bodyphobia that was instilled in me from a very young age. I'm finding it less and less comfortable to admit that my body has carnal needs or should have carnal needs. The real stinger is that I WANT to be consumed by physical passion, I WANT to be unrestrained in the bedroom, gleefully wielding whips and butt plugs with aplomb; I WANT to indulge in all those dirty things that other people tell me feels good Mentally I'm intrigued by all manner of sexual things but cannot translate this into everyday life because I cannot shake of the ingrained feeling that sex is wrong, it's dirty and only bad girls enjoy it. I can be aroused by visual and physical stimulae. It turns me on. Then I feel bad. Just because I'm still struggling under the sometimes overwhelming guilt regarding sex engendered by a repressed Catholic smalltown upbringing as an only child of aged parents who has societal enforced moral prejudices against taking the physical step towards physical gratification.......... doesn't mean I don't have the dirty mind necessary to start the vicious circle of desire and shame turning ad infinitum. I am my own worst enemy in every way. I want to explore what my subconscious tells me is nasty and I want it to be healthy and natural and good. Advice? Topic Moved by - killbillvol69 on Jun 28 2010
Women's necks are too damned sexy for me! 756 Posts 3/06
Posted - Jun 29 2010 : 12:31AM
Hmm, Laurel K. Hamilton? Good choice. I like to read a good vampire story from time to time myself. The title of your post says it best. I don't know how you can undo years of being told certain thoughts are bad, or how to get past the guilt. Those thoughts are planted pretty deep, but keep this in mind -- if sex (or thoughts of sex) were truly evil or bad, and every human felt this, then you couldn't exist, mankind would be extinct. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable so our species continues. That's the Reader's Digest scientic explanation. To help you through some of this guilt, I suggest learning about other viewpoints from other religions and people. Hopefully, this will help you get past some of the guilt. Another thing you might want to try is writing your own erotic stories. Maybe write them for yourself at first to help release what's buried deep in your subconscious, but maybe later share some. I think one good thing that comes out of repression is one hell of a story writer.
Fat bottomed girls make the rockin' world go round! 1551 Posts 5/09
Posted - Jun 29 2010 : 12:40AM
^ Pushkaa, I share the same feelings you have. My upbringing was similar as the one you had. Sex was "dirty". When I attended a sex education program with my father, in the evening at my school, he passed out. I learned about sex by experimenting with girlfriends who were more experienced. Shy, Catholic girls can make the best lovers. All those repressed urges are kept on a hair trigger. At least is was for my Catholic girlfriend in college. She could have an orgasm by simply rubbing herself on my knee! My wife was raised a Catholic and she has no problem asking me to "make her cum", with my tongue. Oh, I've tried to repress my urges to feel pleasure sexually, only to fail time after time. I am spiritual in the sense that I have a good relationship with my maker. I've come to realize that sex, in all it's forms, is a physical need much like breathing, eating, and sleeping. I beleive in my creator. I beleive in the concept of forgiveness. What I don't beleive in, or accept anymore is the guilt or shame. Edited by - dogzcatcher on 6/29/2010 12:42:03 AM
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ekarth Deactivated User
211 Posts 1/10
Posted - Jun 29 2010 : 4:00AM
well man its your life, you can do whatever you want to. I love shemale porn and some people label me as GAY for that reason but i never feel guilty about myself, and nor should you.
@Dracula. Laurel K is an author I can reread which is unusual. Anita Blake is awesome, but her Merry Gentry Series is amazing, erotic and sensual.....oh, if only they could film it. But they'd never do it better than my imagination and even if they did, I'd probably never get round to watching it. You said ***The title of your post says it best. I don't know how you can undo years of being told certain thoughts are bad, or how to get past the guilt. Those thoughts are planted pretty deep, but keep this in mind -- if sex (or thoughts of sex) were truly evil or bad, and every human felt this, then you couldn't exist, mankind would be extinct. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable so our species continues. **** I may have inadvertently given you a slightly skewed idea of myself and what my problem(sic)is. I was a virgin until I was 18 for a cocktail of reasons, lack of confidence (puppy fat and no tits), lack of opportunity, small town and yes, I admit, a vague idea that sex was 'wrong' but in a kinda naughty way, you know what I mean? I went to art school, moved away from home and embarked on the usual student spree of drink, drugs and sex and cannot remember having a problem with it. Had my first child at 20 ( I have 4 now), worked as a stripper/ lap dancer for 8 years* (*in the 90's and it was incredibly innocent in a way....I was the stripper who came out dressed as a man to "Sweet Transvestite" and whipped out a salami) I generally had sex within relationships but wasn't innocent of the occasional scratching of an urge if I saw something I fancied in the pub. I don't remember feeling tortured or hell bound in the slightest. But....... Everything I've done I now realise I've done within quite strict boundaries/limits, outside the social lines drawn by some but well within a rigid moral line I drew for myself. I stripped and lap-danced, I never did extras. I did lesbian shows, but it was always a 'show' (sorry boys). I had sex but always on the whole, it was vanilla. I watched a little bit of porn with my first husband but always felt vaguely embarrassed at it and preferred reading erotic novels or Penthouse letters. My present husband watches porn on a regular basis while I have a bath, a joint and read before we meet up for sex. I don't really have a problem with sex, with wearing stockings and riding his face for while he wanks. I do have a problem in letting myself enjoy it, a problem admitting that yes, that feels good. As with the stripping, it's almost a show but not one that I can bring myself to show enthusiasm for. The repression I was referring to was perhaps double edged, the repression I suspect was imposed on me by my upbringing which leads to my own repression (or is it suppression)of my sexual curiosity. I rebelled as much as i could but couldn't cross certain lines and this inability to admit that sticking a finger up your bum isn't the worst thing you could do is pissing me off. I wasn't really claiming that religion per se has a huge effect on my life other than the moral codes and social strictures it imposed upon my emerging brain. I'm more bemoaning the fact that my nature cannot seem to overcome my nurture and I need to become more than the uptight vanilla Pavlovian result of my conditioning. I agree that writing is a wonderful release, I just need the release to be more. I need to work out how to overcome my knee jerk rejection of pleasure, my conditioning. I need to give myself permission to enjoy anything and everything I think, but my stomach won't let me
Women's necks are too damned sexy for me! 756 Posts 3/06
Posted - Jun 29 2010 : 11:17PM
You certainly have a good eye for the best in erotic literature. As for the issue that keeps your spirit grounded, I don't have a good answer. Certain things we're born with, and others we learn along the way through life. For example, good and bad. If you think something is wrong or it's holding you back, it's probably always been part of who you are. It will take some work to get past that, but I don't see that as an easy thing to do because it is a part of you (if that makes any sense). However, from everything you said, it sounds like you have already done a pretty good job getting past a lot of the guilt. It does sound like you want to go further, but feel held back. Maybe your friends and husband can help encourage and support you so can you at least try. Maybe someone else here might have some other suggestions too. I wish I could help you more on this. In any case I do wish you the best. There are a lot of people out there across the internet, and at least a few have been down this same road before. Hopefully, they can give you some ideas.
@Dogzcatcher You said:" I've tried to repress my urges to feel pleasure sexually, only to fail time after time." I really have no problem supressing/repressing my urges....my problem is acting on them. I have a filthy mind and a weak stomach if that makes sense. My body almost seems to close down when I skirt the edges of my own particular no's. When I am emotionally or spiritually affected by anything it usually manifests itself in stomach pain, one of those people who live by their 'gut' instinct. You said "I've come to realize that sex, in all it's forms, is a physical need much like breathing, eating, and sleeping." I get that, I even mentally understand it. Sex is a physical need, for some more than others. I get the biological imperative part, hell, I've done the biogical imperative part , four times. And I DO, when I can get persuaded into it, enjoy it. I just can't say that I want to do it, and when I do it's never uninhibited. I can smoke like a chimney (breathing!), eat my body weight in chocolate and sleep for Africa.......I just can't tell my husband to spank me and not feel sick
Oh and Dracula May I suggest you give the Lynn Viehl Darkyn novels a read , if you haven't already done so...they provide an entertaining alternative for your origins and are bloody good reads as well
Women's necks are too damned sexy for me! 756 Posts 3/06
Posted - Jun 30 2010 : 10:43AM
Thanks for the recommendation! I have not read or even seen anything from Lynn Viehl. I'll keep an eye out. BTW - I've written a few stories here under the forum titled "Story Time". One of my better ones is called "Dracula Fangs a Porn Star". It's not Hamilton or Stoker, but it might be a fun short read. :) Edited by - Dracula on 6/30/2010 10:48:15 AM
Fat bottomed girls make the rockin' world go round! 1551 Posts 5/09
Posted - Jul 1 2010 : 2:21AM
^ You are not alone in this matter. I've heard of women who say they cannot have orgasms. I've also heard some women say that they don't like receiving oral sex because they are much too sensitive, or it is painful to them. Like Dracula says, writing can be a satisfying way to put one's feelings in order, in a way to sort them out. Many times, I've written letters or stories only to tear them up after I've written them. Men can become aroused by a cool breeze across their trousers. With women, it's a whole different matter. It takes a special person to have the patience and tenderness to bring pleasure to another. Things do change with time, though. I was very shy when I was a child. If someone had told me then that I would someday have a job where I would speak with people every day I would have never believed them. Yet, I did overcome my shyness with time. I imagine trying to change yourself to allow yourself to enjoy pleasure would be similar to those who are afraid of flying in airplanes. Just the thought of flying in an airplane makes them sick to their stomachs. My wife is afraid to fly in airplanes. I still love her just the same. If the thought of "letting yourself go" makes your stomach ache, and you want to experience a mind-blowing orgasm, find a professional person (doctor) to help you overcome your resistance. This professional (who, I have no idea on how much it would cost) can take "baby-steps" in helping you. I would ask myself..am I doing this for myself? Or, am I doing this so my husband can feel that he has "rocked my world"? Sometimes, just snuggling together in bed, without sex, is all my wife needs to be happy. Best wishes.
