I really have no statistics to suggest that waiting improves or lessens the odds of a successful marriage so I have no reason to argue for or against.

[Link]

In humans, strong sexual urges are NORMAL from the time of puberty onwards. What's unnatural is to fight against them because "society" / the church / your parents / whoever says it's "wrong" to have sex before marriage. Hell, anthropologists and behavioural psychologists have even proven that humans aren't even naturally monogamous. I could probably even prove it right here in my own unscientific way by posing the question: "Who of you reading this can HONESTLY say that you'd have been perfectly happy if you'd only ever had ONE sexual partner thoughout your entire life??"

I'd wager that there'd be very few of you who would give an HONEST answer in the affirmative!!!

Having said that, if someone chooses not to have sex (or feels that they don't want to - for whatever reason) then that's their individual choice so who am I to argue? It's their "choice".

[Link]

But if you mean in the sense of "losing out" in terms of sexual experience, then yes, I suppose so.

[Link]

See, I started this thread because I'm at a college and I still am a virgin. I'm not all preachy about that or anything. It is my personal choice because I am waiting for that someone that I totally fall in love with. It's not happened yet. Anyways, when someone asks about my sexual history and I tell the truth, the reactions on the girl or guy's face is unreal. I get that look like I'm the strangest person they've met. I have known people who treat me differently (in a worse way) after I tell them this about me. I can usually handle ridicule, but I don't really understand why I'm looked down upon for my lack of history/experience. Meanwhile, many people at my college will be doing all sorts of drugs, most of which are harmful either short-term or long-term, and the ones I know have no trouble fitting in at our college.

It gets to the point where I almost feel uncomfortable admitting to someone in person I've never had sex because of being looked at so differently for living that way.

[Link]

Chillin..

[Link]

I would say that if you're passing up opportunities with girls who you have the hots for (even if you haven't met "The One" yet) then you're certainly missing out!!! And if you're waiting for "That Special Someone" then it could be a VERY long wait indeed (on the other hand she could be right around the next bend).

As for other people's reaction to you being a virgin, I wouldn't worry too much about that. A lot of young people (young men in particular) are extremely prone to "embellishing" their sexual exploits and chances are that some of those who look at you like you've just beamed down from Mars are themselves in reality still virgins, or not much more experienced than you are yourself.
I recall a similar situation from when I was in my first year at university in Manchester (UK) in the early '80s: A group of us lads were sitting in the bar one night. Alcohol was flowing like it was going out of fashion, and someone started the "how-many-women-have-you-fucked?" survey. People started coming out with preposterous answers like "20" or "about 40" or "I've lost count" (bear in mind we were a bunch of spotty 18 / 19 year-olds). I resolved to tell the truth and said "2" which (at the time) was true. My answer was greeted with howls of derision, laughter and ridicule from my friends and classmates, who were all trying to make out they were big-time Lotharios (whereas I knew that some of them couldn't even score in a brothel). But all the piss-taking bothered me not one jot, because I knew that I was probably the only one there telling the truth!

So my friend - rise above it. At the end of the day it's your own decision (for whatever reason) and I'm not going to condemn you for it. But I would ask you this as a final thought: Do you REALLY want to go through life relying just on porn as your only sexual outlet until you meet "The One"??

Edited by - floraman on 11/21/2003 5:48:16 AM

[Link]

You don't say how old you are, but from your posts and the fact that you're at college and so far don't appear to have had a relationship, I'm guessing you're around 18 - 20.

If that's the case, I don't want to come across as a callous bastard but the chances are that at some point you will meet a girl and (being the sensitive type) get attached to her emotionally - and there's also a chance that she'll later on blow you out and mess you up big-time. Shit happens. But most of us have been there and there's absolutely no shame in it: Life can be a bitch sometimes - and so can women !! I was getting screwed up emotionally over women - in some cases losing sleep and shedding tears over them - well into my 30s until I married the Mrs (who screws me up more than all the others put together ). But I never let it stop me dating women and / or enjoying a good fuck whenever the chance arose!!!

What I'm saying is, don't let your emotional sensitivities get too much in the way of your natural sexual urges - just enjoy yourself a little while you're young! We're put on the planet for a limited period, might as well make the most of it! If you meet a girl who you like and you get some positive vibes back from her, why not just give it a try, take things as they come and see how things work out? You say you're waiting for "The One" - but how will you know whether or not any woman's "The One" until you've first got to know her as a person AND sexually - sex after all being a fundamental part of any normal, healthy human relationship??

But whichever course of action you finally settle on, I wish you well.

[Link]

To my mind marrying someone you haven't had sex with is a little like marrying someone you have never had an argument with or bared your soul to. Maybe in years gone by peoples sexual aspirations were lower but I think most people nowadays have pretty firm views as to what they want sexually in a partner and both man and women are more demanding. Given that you are a young porn viewer you may aspire to many things that many women won't be happy to give you. That in itself is not a problem normally, but if you wait till your wedding night to find out that she's more hairy that Ron Jeremy, wants the lights out and won't put 'that thing' anywhere other than the official designated slot you might start to regret not finding out sooner.

History is littered with men twenty years into a marriage still trying to get their wives to start giving them blowjobs (and vice versa of course). That is my main concern for you F5; if I had to play tennis with just one person for the rest of my life I'd want a few trial games before signing on the line and given that sex is so much more important that tennis I don't think it should be gone into blind unless your expectations are very low.

Whether you want to wait for someone you feel deeply about is another matter entirely and far more understandable. Sex is good when feelings are deep, so that much I understand. Personally though, I tend to go the other way. I tend to fall for girls very easily and I'm very poor at finishing relationships - I hate hurting peoples feelings. I have learnt the hard way that for the likes of me (and I get the feeling you) it is even more important to find out what a woman is like in as many ways as possible as early as possible before I start feeling too attached. I have in the past suffered in poor sexual relationships because I felt it would be shallow of me to end the relationship purely on these grounds with someone I'd become close to. In my case I've always had sex early on but sometimes thought the sex would 'blossom' later on whereas in reality looking back I was just with girls whose sexuality and/or drive was too far removed from mine. The end result was the same though and, although I'm in a stable relationship now, if I was to have to start again I'd want as much and as varied sex as I could get early on so that I would know what she is about and she would know what I am about before feelings start to cloud and bind.

SNP.

[Link]

What do I think about the choice itself? It's a sweet idea, not very practical, and possibly even likely to turn out poorly, but very sweet. If you manage to find a partner who agrees with you about sexual things you haven't sampled yet, and there isn't anything sexual that you consider a high priority, then I can see how really wonderful it might be to have just one person to share your sexual life with. On the other hand, it could be a horrible nightmare to not really know what you want (cuz you haven't sampled it yet), and to find out later that something sexual is a higher priority than you thought and it's not going to happen with your chosen partner.

There is one solution, of course, and that's to not have sex before marriage, but to not limit yourself to a single partner after marriage. (I'm mostly only joking!!) <Mostly>

[Link]

I think it was floraman who asked, I am 21, in my Senior year of college. I think I might be too immature for sexual relationships. Like, most people my age are more advanced and ready for that sort of thing. I don't think I could handle having sex with a girl and either not being in love with her or never seeing her much ever again. I have this feeling it would feel too weird to let go and not have her be part of my life since sex or any intimate contact would be such a huge step for me. I feel like I need to be settled with someone I know very well, can trust, and know will love me either way.

[Link]

whether or not someone can have sex with only one person their whole life depends on the person. i certainly respect that decision.

[Link]

Edited by - PL on 11/22/2003 3:43:21 PM

[Link]

I'm excited to one day lose my virginity. Really hope it is with the person I'm in love with and together forever. I cannot imagine having sex any other way. It would shake me up, I think.

Edited by - F5 on 11/23/2003 3:40:21 AM

Edited by - F5 on 11/23/2003 3:40:59 AM

[Link]

SNP.

PS: What a marvellous situation we have here. On the one hand, as Walter mentioned we have Shameless or the likes of Steve Holmes and at the other we have F5 and several others who are, or have been, in similar circumstances. I think in many other spheres it would be inconceivable for people of such disparate positions to happily share the same forum. Bill Gates would not bother sharing a forum with a jobseeker; Zinadine Zidane would not discuss football with local pub league players; no top politician would lower themselves to discuss politics on a normal public forum.
Not so much referring to F5 now, whose path is his own decision, but I find the fact that there is such a spread of sexual activity on this forum both heartening and somewhat depressing at the same time. Heartening that such a divide can be overcome and so much common ground exists amongst such diverse life experience. Depressing in the way life seperates the haves and have-nots in every department and to such a degree. We have posters who have sex with women, usually sexy and often stunning women, so regularly they must all begin to blend into one after a while; we have posters who would think themselves lucky should they score with one such woman.
I've not read it here before, and I wonder if I'm the only one who finds something almost cruel in such inequity (hey fuck, I'm sounding like the socialist I was denying over in WN&N ).
I also wonder if F5 will forgive me for dragging his thread so off-topic

SNP.

[Link]

Marriage is a great thing. I'm happily married since 15 years. I found a women which whom I want to raise children and grow old. But that doesn't mean that I doesn't lust for others. And vice versa.

If you limit your sexuality to one person you limit you fun in life.

Steve

[Link]

Do whatever you need to do.

Personally I started having sex at age 14 and have not regretted it. My only advice is when you do end up doing it be safe and careful about it. You'll never know the unspeakable joy of trying to get your 15 year old girlfriend an abortion in Pennsylvania (I was 15 at the time as well). And I'm sure it's just as horrible when you're both older.

It takes two to tango.

ned

[Link]

1.
If you 'save' yourself for someone that you feel you are in love with, do not be surprised if they don't reciprocate the same feelings back towards you. These kind of situations can be very ugly if one person thinks the other person is so special. Can you handle a woman leaving you after you have sex with her? It can happen. Marriage doesn't insure anything.

2.
A sexual experience of saving ones' virginity becomes 'special' out of default more than reality. You have nothing to compare it to; its much the same as living in a small town and saying, 'this is the best place on earth!' when you have never taken the chance to travel the world.

3.
What kind of expectations do you have of women (appearance, morals, etc?) Because if your only exposure to them intimately is through pornography, good luck!

Again, I wouldn't call you a loser, because I don't know you personally and from what you said, this is your choice and who you are. In college, I was considered a loser by many peers because I didn't do drugs or drink. So, I can understand/appreciate the pressures of a college life. I don't know where you are going to college, but at least consider a few flings before you graduate. Because you can never go back and fuck all those coeds that were 19 or get head from 18 yr olds in dorm bathrooms.

Being in a monogamous relationship for 2 years, it makes me feel better that I fucked all that I could beforehand (whether crippled, crawling, crass, or cute,) and it also makes me feel better that my fiance has had her experiences also. It makes for a more dynamic experience because we have lived a little sexually. Of course, it might end tommorrow. Thats life.

I don't know the advantages of waiting for marriage for sex because my friends who went this route are still waiting (at 27 and 30 years old, respectfully) or have gotten divorced and look back with regrets for waiting so long.

Hope I didn't offend, if you meet the 'right' woman, I would love to hear about how it all turns out.

[Link]

I'd like to give you the benefit of some tiny shred of wisdom, but it boils down to everything I got is nothing that hasn't already been said. It's another refrain of "it's your decision and yes we'll still respect you" (besides, to hell what any of the rest of us think!).

I would also reiterate: please don't confuse sex with love! But I'll be the next to admit that sex with love is so wonderful, joyful, incredible, it really shouldn't be "anticlimactic" (if you have a climax, well, that's automatic antonymity), but let's thank old cynical Plum-pants for pointing that out, shall we?

But sex as recreation is not without its benefits (and adherents, dang ole Steve Holmes on my shoulder again). It's good exercise, stress relief, and a fabulous sleep aid!

I rubbed one out in the shower this AM to satisfy a need, not to bond intimately with my fist! Crude way of putting it, I know, but you get the point.

Ultimately, it's what you feel most comfortable with, that makes you grin at yourself in the mirror and say "you're such a piece of work, look at you, you fabulous bastard" and give that goofy mug a couple of thumbs up (OK, that's just me again, but I'm still getting through, I hope).

As long as you avoid the pitfall of judgement on those who disagree with you, we're all good. I doubt there's anyone here who would make personal attacks on you UNLESS AND UNTIL you start up with forcing some "I waited for marriage and love and you should, too " attitude on us.

You're no loser, man; the sheer fact that you're open and honest with a bunch of perverts is proof of that!

That said, make your own mistakes, it's the best way to learn. And if you feel strongly about waiting, wait! I was shallow, I just waited for a hot chick worthy of my first load . I didn't expect to marry her. But I didn't expect to fall in love with her, either, and it had nothing to do with sex! (LIAR, am not, am too, am NOT, AM TOO)

But wear a rubber, and don't be a 20 year old Dad like I was (pulling out does NOT work, especially if you... ahem..."forget" -- but my God, if you'd have been me, there, then, doing that, with her, you'd have come in her, too).

Oh, boy, I'm in a silly mood today. I'll get back to you!

[Link]

I'm a "sensitive" guy myself, and I couldn't see myself having sex with a girl without having or developing feelings for her. I don't really see the point of DECIDING not to have sex until marriage though. I would suggest trying not to take things so seriously and trying to get some experience. I don't know if you have non-sexual relationships with girls or not, but I think it's a good idea not to wait too long to learn how these creatures work, because it doesn't get easier as you get older if you have never had a girl. I have friends closing in on 30 who have never had a girlfriend, and that's not an easy situation to be in. Also, the longer you wait with sex, the more pressure and nervousness you are probably going to feel about the first time. As most guys know, being nervous can have horrible consequences when you're supposed to have sex. ;) (It seems horrible at the time at least, not REALLY a big deal though.)
Isn't it hard to find girls that don't expect to have sex in a relationship? I honestly don't have any idea, so maybe you can enlighten me.

Anyway, good luck... And no, you're not a loser! :)

[Link]

[invalid URL removed]Link

Remember that although numbers like "4%" seem small, that translates to millions of people.

F5, are you a religious person?

[Link]

My two cents.

[Link]

Personally, I think you are making the best possible decision. Here's why I believe that. I had sex with a few people before meeting my wife. When I met my wife we were both in our mid/early twenties, she however was a virgin. When I asked her why she held out so long the answer was simple, because when she fell in love with the right person then she would have something very special to give him. Guess what? That meant a whole lot to me, and we did not have sex until we got married. I on the other hand did not have that special thing to give my wife and it made me feel bad for just sleeping around with a few chicks just to get off, I knew I had no special feelings for them in the first place. I gave my gift away. Also, for those who are scoffing, sex is great with my wife and has been for the past 10 years, thanks.

[Link]

I do have a few questions about it, though.

What happens if you don't meet "The One" until you're, say, 35, and although you're still a virgin, she's been "out there", and has 20 or 30 notches in her bedpost. Are you going to be cool with that?

That's a minor concern, though...

As a fellow guy, I understand the effect that horniness can have on our ability to make a rational decision. I've done some pretty stupid shit in the past in order to get laid, I don't think it's far-fetched at all to at least bring up the possibility that you might end up marrying the wrong girl just because "it's time to get some".

And that's where the danger lies. You're making the choice to wait until marriage based upon the fact that you have a hard time separating love from sex. Ironically, in order to truly make a wise decision about who to marry, you'll have to do exactly that. Separate love from sex. Decide if you're really in love, or if you're really just wanting to nail this girl. (the second option can feel A LOT like the first sometimes.)

Personally, I think you have a much better chance of finding "Miss Right" if you give yourself permission to take care of the short term physical needs as they arise, and simply make "marriage" the thing that you save for the one you eventually fall in love with. But that's just my opinion.

It's your choice, and I respect the choice that you've made, just wanted to offer something to think about.

(Maybe by hearing my comments now and considering them, you'll figure out a way to avoid those pitfalls.)

Edited by - slightly_deviant on 12/30/2003 6:17:48 AM

[Link]

But that last post brought up the separation between sex and love - a confusion that is usually much greater in women. My own personal sense is that women are better off not waiting, and not confining themselves to one guy. It would be too easy to end up with a dud, too.

All of my girlfriends who 'waited' for marriage ended up divorced later. Maybe a coincidence. But if a girl is horny and waiting for marriage (or just anxious to get started having kids, or anxious to get out of a bad home situation), she may jump a little too soon. One of my friends found herself married to a gay guy. One decided many years later that she was gay (she had been molested as a kid and attributed her lack of interest in sex to that). A couple of them married young to protective older guys and got tired of still being treated like babies years later. Part of the problem is that they didn't actually wait, they just got married young. But a lot of grief might have been avoided by sampling a variety of men, and developing a more grounded and less desperate sense of what they actually wanted, rather than settling for the first guy who came along.

[Link]