I don't count calories anymore. It's a futile effort. But the curious corner of my brain was suddenly inspired to investigate the ingredients of ejaculate. How many calories, if any, does spermatozoa have and could this actually affect my waistline? I thrive on stupid questions because they inevitably bring fascinating answers. The question of semen ingredients is no exception.

In my search for the truth upended, I found widely varying data regarding not only what semen tastes like but how much is ejaculated, what is in ejaculate, and what you should or shouldn't do to improve the taste of it.

Dr Stephen T. Chang, who wrote the Tao of Sex writes:

"When the average man ejaculates, he loses about one tablespoon of semen. According to research, the nutritional value of this amount of semen is equal to that of 8 ounces of beefsteak, ten eggs, six oranges, and two lemons combined. That includes proteins, vitamins, minerals, amino acids and everything else associated with these nutrients."

This is total bunk. But Dr. Chang is not the first authority to misinform.

No. You cannot use semen in lieu of hair gel.

The high school friend who told you about that slutty cheerleader who gave head to the entire football team was misinformed. Variations on this story suggest the girl's stomach had to be pumped and that a pint or even a gallon of semen was extracted. Impossible. Even if she gave head to all 22 players, that would only amount to about 3 fluid ounces. That's less than half a cup.

So what is the skinny on semen? I'll be giving a good rundown of the basics, but if you're really curious you might want to read The Semen Book by Vivien Marx. Marx is a biologist who works as a science editor and journalist in television and newspapers. Her book is considered the 'end all be all' resource on ejaculate. One interesting tidbit from this resource: ejaculate travels at 17km/hour. Gives new meaning to 'fast food' or 'a quick snack'.

The amount of snack you're going to get out of an ejaculation is about 1-2 teaspoons. Already sounds like a medically approved dose, doesn't it? The difference in semen quantity (quite a difference between one and two mouthfuls) depends on various things, not the least of which is how often he gets lucky. Dehydration will directly and sometimes drastically affect both the quantity and quality (taste, texture, smell) of semen - so make sure he's drinking water.

The typical pH of semen is 7. A little acidic. Why? Let's take a look at the actual ingredients of semen.

Ejaculate is only 1% sperm. That's it. Comprising of anywhere between 100 and 600 million sperm (typically 20 million per ml), even at full-capacity the load is only going to be enough to just cover the period at the end of this sentence. The rest is composed of various proteins, vitamins, sugars, salts, cholesterol, and water. All this other stuff is what protects, feeds, fuels, and pushes the sperm to their ultimate destination.

Some of the ejaculate even stimulates the woman, making her that much more ready to accept the little DNA packets. This scientific fact has been toted by some scientists as an important reason not to use condoms (instead, to rely entirely on the pill), suggesting that women physiologically require semi-regular doses of the stuff. Well. There are vitamins, you know. Ask a vegetarian.

List of Semen Ingredients

All in such small amounts you'd scratch your head wondering how to visualize it. Here is a comprehensive list of what you're swallowing.

One average serving is 15 calories.
(These 15 calories are easily burned away with the sexual acts you've engaged in just to get the calories - five minutes of foreplay burns 7.5 calories.)

ascorbic acid (Vitamin C)
antigens - proteins that stimulate the production of antibodies
calcium
chlorine
cholesterol
choline
citric acid
creatine
deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA)
fructose
glutathione - the frontline: an important protein that kills free radicals
hyaluronidase - protein that breaks-up acid, to lower the viscosity and increase the permeability of connective tissue and the absorption of fluids
inositol - an alcohol that is a component of vitamin B
lactic acid
magnesium
nitrogen
phosphorus
potassium
purine - special alkalies, or bases that when mixed with acids create various types of salt
pyrimidine (this is basically the smell - organic compound)
pyruvic acid - a colorless acid that aids in metabolism or fermentation
sodium aka pure salt
sorbitol - A sugar alcohol (sweetener) with 4 calories per gram
urea - the chief solid component of mammalian urine; amazingly and stupidly, this is synthesized from ammonia and carbon dioxide to be used as fertilizer, in animal feed and in plastics
uric acid - tasteless, odorless crystalline product of protein metabolism; found in both blood and urine
vitamin B12
zinc

Are you a connoisseur? Test your knowledge and your pallet.
T or F?

True or False? Wheat germ increases seminal output.

True. Wheat germ contains a lot of the microscopic ingredients that fuel sperm. While it won't increase the quantity of ejaculate overly much, you will notice a difference in its taste.

True or False? Semen will taste sweeter by drinking lots of pineapple juice or eating bananas. Apples keep the dentist away, but not me!

True. Fruit is in itself an aphrodisiac, and the sugars and vitamins in fruit will indeed give semen a sweeter flavor.

True or False? Meats make semen taste more acidic.

False. Meats are high in alkaline content, the opposite of acids.

True or False? Alcohol or coffee can make semen more bitter.

True and False. Coffee will make semen taste bitter. Chemically processed liquors will also make semen taste bitter. However, naturally processed alcohols will give semen a buttery, sweet flavor. Drink high quality wheat brewed beers, or sake (fermented rice).

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