I am convinced I'm in for a lot of distress and frustration. You know, when you're a stupid kid, you have a lot of fantasies about your future. Because you are "special," every experience you have will be beautiful and illuminated and passionate. You believe that you are different. Your thoughts and perceptions are entirely unique. But the cruel (and somehow comforting) realization is that you are no different from any other stupid kid, that you will experience people who are beautiful and ugly and base and manipulative and disappointing. Worst, you experience yourself in these same particular shades. I am changing from a stupid kid to a stupid adult, from a stupid girl to a stupid woman. This interest in my boss, for instance. It's completely unfounded. And it can come to nothing. While I PERCEIVE it to be real and beautiful, the reality is that it's hollow and based on nothing. I think he's cute. I'm a stupid, weird girl that sees beauty where she shouldn't. He probably regards me as nothing more than an awkward, shy girl who obviously has confidence issues, who is pretty, but not in an especially alluring way, who he can use to cut corners in the work place. And yet, probably because I'm inexperienced and bored and horny, I like to muse on my attraction to him. But it's bittersweet because I have enough sense to know that there's nothing real behind it. Before I go to work, I rev myself up into believing that I will go in there and be confident and flirt in him. Even if it just stroked his ego. But fantasies are merely that, just titilating ideas. Relationships are merely fragments of what we create in our heads. They are probably never that beautiful or sweet or tender or passionate. Kimi Lixx, how can you be sure that the relationship you decide is true and beautiful, is truly that? Won't you be jaded and spoilt by then? Won't you be so disenchanted by weeding through the assholes that you accept the relationship you deem to be "real" only on mundane terms? Won't it simply be that you found a guy who isn't quite as offensive or boring as the rest? You are beautiful, by the way. Beautiful bone structure.
Because the person you decide that about will feel just the same about you. You'll be astonished every day by how wonderful you feel every time you make him/her smile and you'll be just as astonished by how hard he/she tries to make you smile. You will believe, honestly believe, that you are blessed with his love.Of course you'll be jaded, cynical, and the entire world will be as sour as spoiled milk. What has that got to do with anything?I'm sure that part depends on your standards. If you settle for someone who isn't quite as boring and offensive as all the rest, then you'll feel like you settled. If you find someone who isn't as boring and offensive as all the rest and you feel like you won the lottery, then you'll cherish your prize.Thank you. Compliments are always welcome.
It's strange, now I'm starting to dislike him. It's not a deep dislike and I have no enmity towards him, but when I think of him it's almost unpleasant. Plus, he makes me incredibly nervous when I'm around him. I'm beginning to notice an unhealthy pattern of being attracted to guys who are taken or off limits, while not being particularly excited or motivated by single guys. I think it may be because I'm so timid and inexperienced that it's "safe" for me to allow myself to be attracted to unavailable men. I can maintain a comfortable level of control that way. Maybe I can be like a troubador.
It's somewhat funny to me how he seems to not know how to react to me. His responses and words to me are somewhat unsure and reserved. And I've definitely given him that impression, I'm not open and sweet and chatty. I need to find a subject that will allow me to open up and be chatty with him. I think the woman who propositioned him might be a good way. I will admit that I hope this doesn't go anywhere, but I think it would be good for my personal development to try to do this. I think toying him would be good for me. Not to cause him pain, but to experience my own power.
When I say "toy," I don't mean torment or lead on. I think, however, that since he's untouchable and obviously not too taken with me, it might be good for my own development to be more outgoing around him. Or, in the end, it may be a very bad idea. I've had some wine and my thinking on this might not be very realistic. But what I want to say is that there are no "cunty" motivations involved.
You're probably right. I don't think it's possible for me to behave the way I'd like to around him, anyway. It's one thing to imagine I can do it and talk about it, it's another to go into work and deal with the reality of everything. He's married, older, my boss. I'm just someone who works under him. But still, I can continue to think he's cute and want to jump his bones, even knowing that nothing will ever happen. I think I have a SERIOUS thing for unavailable men. I have little interest in going out and seeking someone who is single. Unless he was exceptional in certain areas, but there aren't many guys like that around here. Anyway, thanks Bob.
If you want to be happy in this life, you must find out why this is so and do your best to to fix it.Are the unavailable men who attact you any more exceptional than the available men who don't? Also, what does "around here" mean? Where can you meet guys other than "around here"? My advice would be to get involved with groups engaged in activities, hobbies, and pursuits that interest you (hiking clubs, book clubs, drama groups, writing classes, dance classes -- whatever); that's the kind of social context in which you're likeliest to find a guy you're compatible with.You're welcome, Sunshowers. I wish you all the best.
You can't know that he isn't more taken with you than his behavior would seem to indicate. Not everyone behaves the same way when they're attracted. You're making excuses for yourself to keep going with this even though you know you shouldn't. Nothing good can come of this. Ask anyone who has seen lots of these types of relationships. I grew up surrounded by this constant backstabbing and watching all of my friends suffer because their parents couldn't decide who they wanted to be married to. Have you ever seen someone you care about completely change because their parents hate each other? Yes. I'm talking about a kid. 6 years old. His mother and father divorced and he was never the same. I was his best friend (We were like brothers) so I know. It was night and day. One day he was great and happy and lots of fun and the next he was different.
You're right, RP. I am trying to invent reasons for going through with this. But they won't amount to anything. Honestly, I seriously do look at this as an exercise in being bold and going outside my own limits. I am too obviously unconfident and ungainly to be attractive to someone like him. But I am tortured with the possibility that I might be wrong. He can be pretty dismissive and cold, but sometimes I wonder if that might be on purpose. He has either flirted or engaged in playful banter with me on four occasions I can remember: 1. Talking to me in humor about the older woman propositioning him. 2. I was forced to wear a hat at work because of safety regulations recently. When he saw me in it, he said "At least it looks good on you." 3. Performing one of my extra duties to help him out, I figured out how to do something by myself. When he saw what I'd done he said, with a big smile on his face, "Did you do that all by yourself? Wonderful!" Keep in mind, he's rarely very enthusiastic with me or smiley. 4. I, yet again, went above and beyond my duties to help him out and he said, "Atta girl! Look at all that work you've done." On reflection, however, some of this looks rather patronizing and pointless. :( Is he flirting with me or not?
Well, it really didn't come off that way when he said those things. It was just rather pleasant and light-hearted. It looks different in writing. But maybe he was being patronizing? I wouldn't know.
After contemplation, I can only conclude that he has only tried to be kind towards me. I've taken on yet another duty that goes above and beyond, and he very seriously thanked me for doing it, it's a huge help, yadda yadda. Case closed. I think I may have some sort of weird karma with him, as in I have a natural, deep reaction to him, but who knows the history of it? I came into the room as he was talking to an older woman about his wife and child, which left no doubt in my mind he is devoted to her. I absolve myself of this infatuation, signed and sealed, irrevocably finished. Good riddance. May I find someone who is in a position to reciprocate.
This is fucking hilarious. He engaged me in charming conversation today, something he rarely does. How funny that I decide to distance myself and he suddenly decides to talk to me in a non work-related way. Ass.
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Clam Digger Deactivated User
Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good. 2268 Posts 1/05
I'm over him. Today sealed the deal. I had to haul 50 pound boxes of potted plants for him while he merely arranged them on crates. I think that's shitty. I barely got them all out there. Here's to moving the fuck on.
