An 'extraordinary' number of couples are in no-sex relationships, a psychologist tells our writer, but does a lack of intimacy matter?
It is impossible to imagine a time when images of the erotic were not part of everyday life. Sex is the not-so-secret weapon used to promote anything from ice-cream to cars to TV newsreaders. Most of all, sex sells itself: we are bombarded with self-help manuals, videos, magazine features and even personalised coaching, aimed at improving virility, performance and satisfaction between the sheets. The implication is that we are all having a lot of sex; and even if we are not, our neighbours, colleagues and friends almost certainly are. Yet huge numbers of people, in apparently healthy long-term relationships, may go to bed with nothing more exciting than the latest Joanna Trollope novel. Susie Orbach, the feminist psychoanalyst, believes that the situation is more prevalent than is acknowledged.
In an age in which there are few sexual taboos — and even fewer that the sexually adventurous aren’t willing to boast about — enforced celibacy between partners may be one of the last bastions of embarrassment and misery. These couples are not to be confused with the “new celibates”, whose self-important posturings about the tantric value of directing sexual energy into other activities are relayed far and wide.
Through her work as a psychotherapist (she co-founded, with Luise Eichenbaum, the Women’s Therapy Centre in London in 1976), Orbach is struck by the “extraordinary” number of couples in no-sex relationships. “As a society, we see the erotic as a central part of our lives,” she says. “But the fact that millions don’t have sex in relationships makes you wonder if that is true. I don’t have figures, but it seems to be pretty widespread, from young men and women to older couples. It’s one of the secrets that people live with and feel a deep shame about.
“Sex, along with food, is the idiom of our times, but lack of sex doesn’t get talked about in a useful way. When people have had a very passionate relationship in the beginning, to find themselves suddenly in a no-sex marriage is something they find hard.”
She challenges the commonly held view that, with time, sexual ardour inevitably diminishes as the senses are dulled by overfamiliarity. Orbach, a visiting professor at the London School of Economics, was asked about this during a debate at the LSE between herself and the institution’s director, the sociologist Professor Anthony Giddens. Using the analogy of food, she said the experience of dining in a fine restaurant usually improved in the way that one’s enjoyment of Mahler’s Fifth Symphony increased with repeated hearings. “Perhaps not when you know the menu so well,” interjected Professor Giddens in the debate, one of a series at the LSE that are open to the public.
“Most aspects of social intercourse are more pleasurable with repetition,” Orbach replied. Later she told me: “It’s too superficial to say we just get bored with the touch of a particular body and its predictability. One way of looking at celibacy is that it’s too exciting and too intimate to be in love and sexually engaged, every single day. That would be quite burdensome.”
She believes that the key to the problem is when partners lose their individuality. Ironically, the very togetherness that is so seductive in the early stages of a romance can blight it later on. “At the beginning of a relationship, the thing that produces sexual energy is the psychological merger. People talk of speaking with one heart and soul and being twinned in their longings. That is disastrous for a long-term sexual relationship.
“Why do we deaden ourselves in our most important relationship? What’s so scary about being alive in it? For many people, staying in a highly sexualised love relationship is too close, too intimate. For most of us, our first love is our mother, but that relationship might have been cloying or restricting. People are scared of that kind of dependency.”
She advises couples to use the security that love brings to maintain their individuality, and that they should never lose their sense of surprise over what the other might say. “It’s like that lovely thing you see in children when they move from dependence to autonomy.”
There is evidence that sexuality may not be absent even in a no-sex relationship. “There may be fantasies, sex with strangers and sexual jealousy. If the sex is tailing off, why, when there is a threat to the relationship, does the sex become very passionate again?” Conversely, sexual activity is not necessarily an indicator of intimacy. “Sex can become a way of keeping intimacy at a distance,” says Orbach. “A couple might have sex and then have an argument afterwards to square the relationship.”
One partner may instigate the no-sex rule, but the other is usually complicit. Denise Knowles, a psychosexual therapist with Relate, says: “The man may have problems, but the woman may not want to put him on the spot. The protection rackets that go on in relationships are worthy of the Mafia.” Celibacy, she suggests, may be the product of busy lives (“You just want to crawl into bed and snore”), of the reported drop in testosterone levels that diminish the sex drive and of physiological changes later in life. Some couples are comfortable with a lack of sex. “We are too influenced by fashion, peer groups, the media. If you are both happy with no sex, or sex once a month, that’s fine.”
So is a lack of sex the cause of a troubled relationship or the result of it? “We don’t know,” says Knowles, “but when couples say they are not having sex, what is clear is that they do not communicate. Full stop. When sex goes off the boil they also don’t touch, which is where the distance creeps in.”
When followed up later, 80 per cent of Relate’s clients who complete a sex therapy course are still happy with their sex lives. Treatment includes reintroducing them to sensuality, touching, cuddling and massaging each other.
Knowles advises people to surprise each other, to leave loving notes or text saucy messages, to develop interests outside the relationship and to maintain curiosity about each other. Oddly, the solution to getting sex back into people’s lives may be continued abstinence. “Sex often becomes penetrative intercourse and nothing else. Couples should concentrate on the foreplay and on maximising sensations before progressing to full sex. One of the keys is not just giving pleasure but enjoying the pleasure they are receiving.”
A return to closeness
GARY AND JULIA, a professional couple in their mid-thirties, sought help from Relate after a seven-year hiatus in their sex life. They were childless, but had been together for 15 years. Denise Knowles, a Relate therapist, says: “They were embarrassed when a sex scene came on the TV because it reminded them of what they were missing. Gary was ignorant about what turned Julia on and even about how his own body worked. He felt pressured because Julia was very sexual, so he avoided going home. Because he’d ignored her for so long, she put a shield up and didn’t feel safe with him.
“When we began therapy she couldn’t be completely naked with him because she felt too vulnerable. They became creative with massage and touch and began paying attention to each other. He told her he liked the feel of the small of her back, and when they were out with friends he would run his hand down her spine, sending a tingle through her as she knew he was turned on.
“When they used to have sex he had kept his eyes shut and she said that she wanted him to look at her and recognise her for herself. They began having sex in different positions; Gary said he would go to work with a spring in his step. After 26 therapy sessions, they said their relationship had improved beyond recognition and that they had never felt so close.”
"The Impossibility of Sex" by Susie Orbach, Penguin, £7.99. "What Do Women Want?" by Susie Orbach and Luise Eichenbaum, HarperCollins, £6.99. For details of LSE debates, ring 020-7955 6043, or visit www.lse.ac.uk/events.
Alright, if anybody is interested in this marriage stuff, the two most excellent books that I can recommend are Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, and The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin. There are lots of reviews of both at amazon, and a lengthy review of The Erotic Mind here
The above posting touches on one of the problems - psychological merger. What we are attracted to in another person is their 'otherness.' If we merge, where is the 'other' that we are attracted to?
Additionally, romantic excitement is maintained not just by attraction, but by obstacles. The uncertainty and hope involved in the potential unavailability of the other person stirs the embers. Our friend silk seems to prefer unreciprocated longing. Others prefer long-distance relationships, or the somehow unavailable or innappropriate partner (perhaps married). We all know that the way to strengthen the romance between teenagers is to forbid them to see each other.
Our styles of prefered adversity set the stage for many of our sexual fantasies. But much of the intensity of romance derives from unpredictability. Sexual tension demands that something remains dynamic or unpredictable, or violates prohibitions.
How you keep that alive is up to you. But it is not an unpleasant task to firmly maintain your own character and interests, and keep the other person a little off-balance. ------------------------------------------------------------
All of your comments were interesting and insightful, Lindi, especially your conclusion:I think many people keep the sexual spark in their marriage alive by engaging in the swinging lifestyle. That way, they maintain a stable intimate relationship at the center of their lives, while at the same time continually fulfilling their need for the new and unpredictable. Plus, that other people are having sex with their mate seems to make their mate more sexually desirable to them. The disease issue can be handled with proper screening and the use of condoms. But of course this lifestyle can backfire if your mate falls in love with someone else and leaves you! (But then, that happens all of the time to non-swingers, also.) And then there are possibly serious issues with jealousy. Caution to all who are reading these words: I'm not advocating swinging. I'm justing pointing out a choice that some people make.
Other couples try to keep the spark alive by engaging in sexual role-play, making good use of sexy attire, using various sex toys to spice things up, having sexual intercourse outdoors or in unusual places, discovering new sexual positions, watching each other masturbate, engaging in foreplay that doesn't necessarily lead to sexual intercourse, practicing sexual teasing while fully clothed that doesn't always end in sexual intercourse, watching adult movies together, reserving one night a week for a romantic outing, continually surprising each other with inexpensive but thoughtful gifts, talking dirty to each other while having sex, periodically reinventing themselves with a new style (hairdo, hair color, clothes, etc.), getting into excellent shape or maintaining it, deliberately choosing to stop arguing with your mate, taking a month off with no sex allowed (not even masturbation), or any combination of these on an ongoing basis. I guess the only limit is one's own creativity and diligence.
Sadly, most couples, over a course of time, fall into a predictable sexual routine and then eventually experience "bed death" to varying degrees. But it doesn't have to be that way.
Always remember these words:
If you don't take good care of your lover, then someone else will.
I think this is very interesting. First of all who can go a month without masturbating??? Sex I can see, but don't you just have to let it out??
Anyway, my husband and I have definitely had a sliming down of our sex life since the early days (5 years ago). The most important thing in our lives is our conversations. We "make love" most of the time laying on our bed, fully clothed, with our animals cuddling with us, have a good talk about life, work, our family, or whatever is bothering us. Cuddling, non-sexual cuddling is the best form of sex we have. Now don't get me wrong we have great sex... but more importantly we make love with our minds as often as possible. If sex is what you hope will keep the marriage strong, then the marriage will probably be a typical marriage, and who wants typical?
One of these days (I'm going to cut you into little pieces)...NO NO NO...too much Pink Floyd. I've got to write down some thoughts on this issue; it may be helpful to some, interesting to others, and a complete waste of time to the rest. Hey, I aim to please.
I've been with the same woman exclusively for over 13 years now, and she still gives me butterflies in my stomach. Granted, frequency of sex has lessened over the years, I mean c'mon, you can't go twice a day every day forever! But I dare say the quality has more than compensated for quantity.
What psychologists like to call the 'honeymoon period' has never ended. Why is that? I'll be brief , but I believe it has mostly to do with communication, trust and space.
Space only works with trust, and trust comes with open, honest communication. You have to take a chance on getting hurt (badly!), but it's so worth it! Everything hurts, life hurts, the world sucks, the air'll kill ya, but as Robert Heinlein (as Lazarus Long) said:
"Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you. If you don't bet, you can't win."
Emotional baggage is so crippling to people in their personal lives and their relationships with others. Allow me to 'splain:
When a woman (I'll use 'woman' here because it's more frequently the case in this particular example) is very insecure, needy, possessive, jealous, distrustful (regardless of how this came about, whether upbringing, past boyfriends, traumatic experience, whatever) and the like, it adds a burden on a relationship that can and often does cause said relationship to grind to a screeching halt. But not before children are born, fights are had, affairs happen, constant harassment and nagging occur, a constant need for attention and reassurance manifest, and other extra layers of BS are piled on top. Sound familiar? I've observed it empirically too many times to be making it up as I go along.
Combine that with men who are, by upbringing or by choice, emotionally unavailable and uncommunicative, and you have a recipe for disaster. Of course "Gary and Julia" from the example are having intimacy problems -- Gary is too stubborn and proud and embarassed to learn what he needs to learn, to ask Julia how he can please her, or tell her what pleases him. Julia feels "too vulnerable" - a sure sign that she has trust issues and can't open up and just LET GO!
Some women (and I don't mean to pick on women here but it seems to occur more in them) try to change their men into something they're not. Untold amounts of struggle and strife come from the whole "you're not what I thought you are or want you to be". Acceptance of each other's faults is a whole new rambling rant. I'm blessed that my wife thinks the "pro" column outweighs the "con" column, because I, like all of us, am far from perfect. I tend to indulge my dark side more than I should, among other things.
So, the issue then becomes not 'why does sex fade in marriage', but 'why can't people let go of their self-destructive and happiness-crippling behavior?'
I'm a simple guy, but I have developed over the years a kind of empathy, an ability to put myself in other people's shoes that has served me well. I can tell you, given a set of circumstances and familiarity with the players, how a scenario will play out down to action and dialogue. Astounding but true (you will be "Shocked and Amazed"), more often than not I'm right.
And more often than not, what all that comes down to is reducing the equation to each person's peculiar set of preconceptions, prejudices, hangups, complexes, neuroses, and the like, adding in the circumstances, bring to a boil, and simmer. Voila! Disaster. Not an ability I particularly enjoy; like watching the news, it only fuels my cynicism.
What was that I said about trust and space? Oh, yeah! That's a big part of the 'secret'. No secrets here. See, I grew up around lots and lots of alcohol, drugs, sex, swinging, porn, and various other sundry items. Both of my parents are alcoholics, my stepfather is one (not to mention a bisexual crossdresser), they all at one time or another or to this day smoke or smoked pot, snorted coke, popped pills, shot up, fucked around, lied, fought, attempted suicide, and created a web of addiction and codependence that psychologists could have a veritable field day with.
Take one kid, put him or her in that milieu. They come out all fucked up. Take another, and they come out well-adjusted and pragmatic. Fortunately, I came out fairly well-adjusted. I know people are inherently fucked up, we all are. I just knew it early on. But I also know you CAN trust some people, you just have to be careful, VERY careful with that. With trust, space is possible.
With space, you avoid that whole possessive, needy, jealous, constant reassurance bullshit that drags you down and makes life suck. With space, you can go visit a buddy out of town and your wife doesn't assume you're out whoring it up. That comes from trust.
You can build trust through honest, open communication. Still no big secrets! It doesn't take years of therapy and a library full of self-help books to figure this stuff out, I promise, unless you fight it tooth and nail and refuse to see the simple elegant answer that was in front of you all along: let it go. Whatever it is, if it's in the past, let it go. All you have is NOW, TODAY, not yesterday, and certainly not tomorrow. You can carry that baggage around everywhere you go, or travel light.
I say travel light! The rest falls into place.
Bjork said: "If you ever get close to a human And human behaviour Be ready to get confused There's definitely no logic To human behaviour But yet so irresistible There's no map To human behaviour They're terribly moody Then all of a sudden turn happy But, oh, to get involved in the exchange Of human emotions is ever so satisfying There's no map And a compass Wouldn't help at all Human behaviour"
To put it in more cobalt60-ish terminology then: once you a) lose the baggage and b) learn how to give your partner mind-blowing orgasms then c) sex does not fade in marriage.
'Nuff said. Now where's that rock I always crawl back under? Til I rant at you all again: don't beat yourself up or take it out on other people. We're all in this together.
Cobalt -- I'll read your post later when I have a second longer but I wanted to say, as suggested by Lindi, that the whole obstacle theory is very true. I had hotter sex when breaking off a relationship (or just after) than at the beginning. But I've never sustained most engagements past a few months (it's sad, I know), so I'm not sure how things would fare in a long run.
skronker: yes, well, lindi is brilliant. (kiss, smack)
May I extend, then, my concept of 'space' to encapsulate this gem:
"But it is not an unpleasant task to firmly maintain your own character and interests, and keep the other person a little off-balance".
That is precisely what we do. My wife and I have grown up together, since she was 16 and I was 18, and we're 30 and 32 now. But we're obviously not the same people we were. Fortunately, we still like the person the other has become! And it's an ongoing process.
A couple of years ago, at her prompting, I started trying out a dominant sexual persona, a Brandon Iron-lite. It was terribly hard because I'm the most laidback, easygoing guy you can imagine. But it worked (eventually). Once I got past feeling silly and self-conscious, and just went with it, it started to work!
It was exciting, for both of us, and I grew into it and changed as a person. So did she. But we're not always that way. We, as was said, keep each other on our toes. We still surprise each other.
There you are. Next time, I'll just say "What lindi said."
It's still a good idea to break through your boundaries, though, and slough off the detritus if you can. Shedding skin. You can tell in just the short time I've been around ADT, my posts run the gamut from goofy to self-righteous. I've learned from many of you, and grown, and feel I'm a better person for having participated. All the better to keep Mrs. 60 on her toes!
I don't have all the answers (I just sound like I think I do).
Who shall I be tonight? Sweet, sensitive, cry in her arms Cobalt? Or rough n' ready Cobalt Iron? Who knows? Not Mrs. 60!! Not even me! We all do well to surprise ourselves sometimes, always strive to continue learning and trying new things, or we might as well take our dirt nap. My two cents, I ain't shy about spending it.
Thanks for reading, and know cobalt60 loves you. Say good night, cobalt.
Alrighty then, I'll say it. What lindi and Cobalt said.
I have a few issues with some of the suppositions of the aritcle Asmodeus quoted, but I have no issues with lindi and Cobalt's thoughts. The thing is... sex is certainly a nice part, and complicated part of a relatioship, but it is only a small part in a relationship that is truly successful in the long run. Maintaining individuality and surprising each other is of paramount importance, as is communication. When you're with the right person and you have these things I believe the sex will fall into place.
As others have suggested. People and relationships are different. What works for one couple may not work for another. Sex once a month may be fantastic for one couple and may be woefully inadequate for another. Who says the sign of a successful sexual relationship is marked by sex 7 nights a week? Who came up with that rule? What IS sex anyway? To some, sex-proper is the only way to be intimate with someone, to others, cuddling and talking is a kind of intimacy that sex can't match. Balance... individuality, risk taking, communication, mutual satisfaction, and growth are really the only things that are ultimately important--for my wife and I, sex certainly has its part in that, but it certainly is not the only measure of our relationship's success.
Both Cobalt and lindi have very wise perspectives, and know what they're talking about. In many ways, I really do enjoy today's hyper-sexualized popular society, but in many other ways it is also misleading and can lead to unrealistic expectations and lifestyles for those who are not wise to its wiles.
God, I have been SO different depending on the person -- from totally the Brandon-Lite super-aggresso spankmaster to Mr. Cuddle Bunny, running out for the latte and bagels. I guess the deal is to have a quirky balance going on. Hopefully, I will end up with someone who appreciates that sort of thing and can respond in kind, otherwise, well, otherwise it won't be happening.
At the risk of repeating myself, sex is play. For me, that's been the most enlightenng thing to learn -- it's not dead serious -- you can say, "Hey, you're laying on top of my hair!" You can get silly. You can be cuddle bunny one day and be a bit forceful another day. You can try everything at least once, and say "yum" or say "yuck."
I did the lame bump of this thread to make it easier for me to find, as I'm working on a column on a related topic. And boy, talking to you all brings up new ideas and helps me find my focus. Thanks!
One small point. Sex does not decrease or fade during marriage. People chose to, or chose not to, have sex, married or not. Whether that decision is made actively or passivly doesn't matter. The couple can have sex a hundred times a week. They just chose to have it be a priority in their lives or not.
The minutia of life can ovewhelm any relationship. Focusing on what is important, and why you married your spouse has to be done consciously. Take your wife out on a date every week. Have sex when you feel like it. Or when you think you should. Sex, in marraige, without love and respect is simply masturbating with a partner.
I've been with the same partner for almost 19 years, and we still have very regular sex. We also sit and talk, go out on dates, shove the kids out of the house into the yard so we can hear each other over the din, and do whatever it takes to stay close.
If you're married, remember laundry isn't sexy. Dirty dishes aren't sexy. Problems from work aren't sexy. Your spouse _is_ sexy. Ignore the other stuff every once in a while. And don't chose not to have sex, if you think its important.
Thanks for bumping this Cobalt. I hadn't seen it before.I've never heard this phenomenon named before, but I've definitely experienced it. When you know someone so well that you can predict their exact answer to every question, there is a real sensation of loss.
As Cobalt implied, one solution is to allow each other to grow and develop separately for part of the time. Unfortunately it is hard to find a partner who is secure enough not to be afraid of this concept. Some even interpret it as rejection.
Good stuff by MYK, we'll be hitting 16 years in a month or so.
Frankly for the most part it has only gotten better over the years (of course the 10 person hot tub we installed last month might have something to do with it , no not really (for the most part )).
Seriously (or as serious as I ever get ), it is as good as it has ever been. Over the years you get comfortable with each other & if (hopefully) you communicate with each other, by this time you should know what each other likes/enjoys. At this point there is no worrying about what they might think if you admit to liking something slightly different than "the norm" (whatever that is). Browsing toy catalogs/web sites together has been great as we've found lots of things that just heighten the experience overall. Much of that has to to with knowing each other so well that we know what might turn them on/up another notch to make it that much better. Also at this point you know that a toy isn't going to replace you but that it lets you go that much longer .
My $0.02 is that if things have faded it is more a communication problem than a physical/what society believes problem.
