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I've been with my girl for 6 years (on and off) and she's up for pretty much everything.
So life is sweet, but there's a girl who's just started at work who I get on with a little too well.
Now I'm not totally stupid, and know that being attracted to her ass isn't love, but I'm totally attracted to her mind. Now that's something I thought I'd never say ever .
When I'm with her, my heart beats so fast, I think I'm going to die and it's mainly because I know if I ask her for anything , I'll get it.
Is it possible to be 'just friends' with a girl who gives you 'the feeling' ?
Possible? Yes, tough though. Six year itch? Too much familiarity at home, no challenges? Comfort versus the rush of infatuation, opposite polls of relationships. Dichotomies of gender relations. Ah, for the excitement of corn chips and salsa when all America knew was potato chips and french onion dip.
Is it possible? Maybe, but not if it gets back home. Few mates understand mental versus emotional attraction. Some do. It is hard to find one person to fill all rolls. That is why we have friends, I suppose.
So, when the phermones fade, what would you be left with? Hit the (cold) showers, fantasize, take stock in your life.
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Posted - Aug 31 2004 : 3:51PM
why the offs? i say go with the flow... slowly. if you fall in love with the new girl then break up with your girlfriend. doesn't sound like you've made a lifetime commitment to your current girlfriend.
The on/off thing was during the first few years because we lived some distance away from each other.
As for commitment, I don't believe in marrage because two people should be free to create their own future without a contract.
I love the girl I'm with as much today as I did when we first met, so it's not a case of out with the old, in with the new.
Today, I had an intimate conversation with the girl at work, I asked how she felt and Jesus Christ, when she spoke from the heart I felt like I wanted to die because I couldn't give her what she wanted.
One day she'll make some guys dream come true but today she's my nightmare.
When I find myself strongly attracted to someone, I discuss it with my husband. It helps keep me out of trouble, having it out in the open. (He's not controlling, though).
When I'm going to be around the guy I'm attracted to, I wear unattractive underwear, don't drink with him, and try to see the guy just following an orgasm with my husband, etc.
I can enjoy the horny vibe back at home with my husband.
If it's really bad at work, you could quit. It sounds like trouble, and it doesn't sound like it will blow over soon.
Being a guy and one that participates in a porn forum, I guess it's fair to say I'm horny all the time .
Work is a strange situation because it's an environment that's male dominated (& physical)so inorder to keep the 'bad-asses' in control, I have a 'work personna' that's kinda unique. The result is, people (some of whom could actually kick my ass) avoid any kind of conflict with me because I'm an unknown quantity. The mistake I made with this girl was letting her through my guard and exposing my humanity.
The other mistake I made was giving her my mobile number, so now I've got these text messages that can only be discribed as poetry. Damn, why couldn't she be a dumb bimbo ?
I've worked hard to get where I am at work and I'm not going to give that up. As for the girl, she's the most unique person I've ever met and I don't want to hurt her in any way.
I'm going to try and be 'just friends' with her and who knows it might be a unique experience for us both.
Wow, this is a tough one. Especially considering that you and the new woman both like classical music - there aren't that many people out there that care for it, so it's great when you meet someone who does.
I had a boyfriend once who like classical music and fine art as much as I did, and it was heavenly, for both of us.
Now, don't mind my asking, but why did you give her your mobile number? Was it work related, or not?
P.S. Hardz, are you the guy who coined the phrase here on ADT, 'fluffy bunny tender sex' for those who don't care for Max Hardcore?
Well you definitely want to be tempted and your are giving some signals. Why else let her see your "human side". Maybe accidental, but: You let a conversation get intimate. How was that going to make all this easier? Why would you possibly ask a woman how she felt if you wanted to stay just friends? This is definitely an invitation for her to go deeper. Seriously, a heart-to-heart that doesn't blow up in a woman's face is an opening for her to continue. You let her know your interests for things a woman might appreciate in a guy, even if she doesn't like them herself. If you really wanted to shut it down, why the sharing? Or is this the humanity you let her see? If nothing else, it seems like a classier interest than the "gorillas" at your workplace would have. Why didn't you show an interest in geeky things and killing bunnies? (Sorry Renee). That would have been a huge turn-off. Your cell number? The excuse is "knight in shining armour"? Do I need to comment?
Ah, sweet agony. You invite it, on some level you enjoy it. Your version of S&M. If it helps, some love to be in love. The feeling that dies down in a relationship. That emotion that is a drug of its own. I've known guys who love being in a relationship with wife/gf, but had close sexual/emotinal relationships on the side. Not a contradiction, but tough to explain when found out.
What will you do if GF finds out? With the text messaging, she may see. If it escalates to calls, there might be curiousity. Don't forget to keep tabs on the cell, even if your subconscious(sp?) wants to be caught. After all, your actions have been leading option B on. Or spill your guts.
How do you know that New Girl won't turn into a psychotic freak, like in the movies. You have been getting unsolicited poetry. I've been stalked, not fun.
You're an insightful person Croy and much of what you've wrote makes a lot of sense.
You know, I did try and test her reaction to something inorder to see if it would drive her away but her reaction was a surprise.
Regular members to these forums will know by now that I love rough sex and I do push the limits of my partner during sex. When I spoke to her, I used to term 'violence towards women' and you know what she said.... " how far would you go with me " That knocked me right off my feet.
She is the most unique girl I've ever met, I just can't stop whats happening.
Don't string your current g/f along. That wouldn't be right nor fair.
I'm merely speaking from experience, cos, the same happened to me. Except the shoe was on the other foot. My fiancee did it to me.
It left me feeling like shit, bitter, twisted and mean. Basically i became an asshole. My life became months of 1 night stands, thinking all women were complete and utter cunts, and thats how i treated them. Much as it pains and hates me to say.
If you discuss this with your girlfriend, it may help make your priorities clear -- either you are talking to her so she can help you deal with it as a problem, or you are letting her go.
Then if you two decide to make a go of having your cake and eating it too, she can have the same choices.
She should know if she becomes the fall-back plan just in case things don't work out elsewhere. This is much uglier if it goes behind her back.
You already know this isn't going to work as a 'just friends' thing.
this is utterly weird, my situation is somewhat similar to this one. I´ve been living with my GF for 7 years now, we have endured the ups and downs of our life and relationship together and she loves me enormously. I care for her deeply and also love her.
Something happened a bit over a month ago. I was on a holiday for two weeks (On a Scout Jamboree of all the places...) and fell in love to a girl I worked with. Now this didn´t go as I planned (She was involved in a relationship already) but we became friends.
The whole experience plus having the first holiday like in five years (I´m an entrepreneur) was really a wakeup call for me, I had been depressed for a long time before that and suddenly my eyes opened to the world and in some strange way I became to love life. It´s been a really wonderfull and at the same time utterly wierd experience, for the first time in years I really feel alive and being like the 100% real me, not this desaturated and bland 50% me that I was for a long time before the change. The problem is that it made my eyes a bit too open especially when it comes to the other sex...
Now, hmm, I fell in love to another girl I´ve known for a guite a long time and confessed it to her. Oh no, not again... I really wasn´t consciously looking to get involved again but my feelings kinda overwhelmed me. Ok, it didn´t ignite right away because we have been really close friends for years (Almost like a brother and sister) and the idea was a bit alien to her (as it was for me also until I had this change of heart). She is still pondering about the whole thing, have to see how it turns out... Well, no matter what we are most probably going to stay as close friends if she finds the idea a bit too alien so I´m quite comfortable with things and try to take it easy on her.
Now, I used to be quite a shy guy and I quess I still am. I know I appeal to girls, I know how to behave, I´m slender, tall and handsomish with a long good looking hair etc. Before I kinda uncosciously ignored these certain signals, I was the angel haired guy that usually sat in the dark corner of a pub all by himself looking preoccupied by his thoughts, drawings or a book. But now that I have had my sensors turned on hyper I seem to pick up and receive this positive vibe from girls more easily, too easily actually.
This is the thing that is really starting to kill me, I get attention from girls I have never seen before in that certain special way. And it feels so great, almost like a drug... But I really don´t want to do anything stupid like betray my current GF even though the fact that I have fallen in love for a couple of times within a period of one month seems to strongly indicate something else... There are certain principles I have held dear for all my life and one of them is the idea of fidelity, I don´t fuck around even though saying that the current situation being what it is sounds a bit hypocritical. I have pre-emptively ended relationships before because the grass on the other side of the fence has started to seem a bit too tempting. I didn´t make any moves to explore the other side of the fence afterwards, it was just the idea that if I have these kinds of thoughts the relationship or my involvement in it isn´t really up to snuff and therefore the relationship shoud be terminated. I don´t want to betray myself or my companion.
I´m riding quite high at the moment, too high actually. I´m like a kid in a candy store with too many open jars full of different kinds of unknown but tasty looking and tempting candy. I know that I have my hands full of this one candy I like very very much but the idea of something different appeals to me more each day. And if I did go dipping to another jar I might like it even more than the one I like at the moment...
Well, maybe things will be easier when my GF comes back home, she has been on a holiday for the last three weeks and all I really want is to hold her close and discuss with her certain things that I am going through at the moment. I´m quite shure that this whole episode would have been easier if she had been here, now I have had free reign of doing things my way and it gets a bit old after a while. (+ and counting in the fact that I haven´t gotten laid for three weeks is also affecting me... Well, come tomorrow morning somebody is going to get a ride of her life because I know that is exactly what she wants as a homecoming present...).
What can I say, I´m having the time of my life but at the same time I´m really scared that I hurt someone deeply, including myself. Even though I really don´t know if I wan´t to continue this relationship I certainly am going to give it another try. I just have to try to slower the pace I´m living at the moment and get my bearings back.
As it was said before, stringing someone along or hanging to a relationship as a measure of security is wrong, I have no intention of doing that. But these feelings inside me are new, fresh and strong. How true they are is another question altogether.
Whew, a long post but I think I needed that, sometimes it´s good to actually write things down by yourself, a kind of a mental excercise that helps one to find out what is real. And yes, I didn´t mean to hijack this thread but mainly to get this out of my head...
P.s. If this story looks contradictory and confused it most probably is. I know that that is what I am at the moment...
I have a girl at my job that is a similar situation, she is drop dead gorgeous and looks a lot like Alicia Rhodes. Problem is that I am almost 20 years older than her, and I'm her boss. Plus her mom works downstairs and her parents come in all the time, and they are a wholesome christian family. Her dad even told me the other day that she speaks very highly of me and they appreciate what I've done for her. And she is a computer science major and is really into computer like I am, and is always seeking my advice when building computers or whatever. But I know it wouldn't work out, I can tell we'd have personality conflicts plus with all the perverted stuff I'd wanna do to her it'd be an instant lawsuit. Did I mention that she looks just like Alicia Rhodes?? This makes my mind run wild some days when she comes in looking super hot, and images of DP's and swallowing are racing through my mind. I just have to do like homer and repeat to myself....
Sorry, what parts of my last post before yours were untruthfull? If I have offended you or your sensibilities I can say that I´m sorry even though how I managed to do that is completely beyond my understanding. And about feedback like that, I would like to be told straightaway in a straightforward manner instead of vague pointing of fingers. Maybe it was just not your day...
Well, just to continue my own saga I had a long discussion with the second girl I mentioned in my last post and we decided that it would be best to stay as friends and just move on that way. We cannot go back but we bloody well can choose the way we proceed from here. We hold eachother in very high regard and the experiences and discussions we had only reinforced that feeling. Even though it was a little bitter pill to swallow at first I´m actually glad that it came out like this. For a moment I was really afraid that I had done something irreversible but fortunately this was not the case.
My GF is about to arrive in an hour, I´m currently prettying things up at our flat so she is going to have a nice and easy homecoming. It will be great.
All that said, lemonaid, I hope that in the future life has more than lemons in store for you.
This thread went a little pear shaped for a moment but thats ok.
I told the girl at work about my situation, I could feel her heart breaking. It was such an emotional moment it's not easy for me, being a guy, to admit I wanted to cry.
She said afterwards that all she wanted at that moment was for me to hold her and kiss her.
She knows I can't give her want she wants but she's still not stepping back.
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DenverDon Benevolent
Firmly Embedded in Depravity 5914 Posts 7/02
Posted - Sep 5 2004 : 8:30AM
Sounds like it all worked out. Not easy, and hard on the heart, but successful. Congratulations.
I hope it ends well, not ugly. Try to remind yourself that you have no reason to be jealous, after all, you walked away. Her hanging out with the other guys at work is best for the two of you. Seperation cools things off. The negative interpretation is that she is talking to other guys to get a reaction from you.
It is a lesson learned. Next time something like this happens, you will know to take stock in your life and not string one or the other along. Remember that these days things can end very poorly, not just with an insane call from her to the gf.
What happened was, we were working on a project together and she just kept talking and talking and talking, and all I could think was " just shut the hell up for a minute ", so I leaned forward and kissed her.
It wasn't fireworks or anything because I took her by surprise, but fuck me, can she kiss.
Being a guy it's not easy for me to say this on an open forum, but I'm in love with them both. I miss them both when I'm alone and miss one when I'm with the other.
Hardz, have you taken the advice earlier posted and talked seriously with your long-standing GF?
I'm no expert, but I strongly believe that complete communication is the only way to keep a relationship healthy and strong. Sometimes its hard to bite the bullet but I think it needs to be done, regardless of whether or not either girl will accept your future decisions with them they both have a right to know why you made those decisions.
It appears that there is honesty and self-disclosure, just not to your long-time girlfriend. These are choices that you are making about your priorities.
If you want to hurt your girlfriend the least, tell her now. This will only get worse; there will only be more to tell later.
I'm not going to risk hurting my girlfriend by telling her anything. Telling her now or if she finds out later, the result will be the same. If you were being executed in the morning, would you give your firing squad an alarm call or would you just hope they oversleep ??????????
As for the girl at work, she has this biting fetish.....when we kiss she bites my lips and I mean hard . I've actually had to pull away a few times. She says she can't control herself when she's excited.
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Posted - Sep 9 2004 : 9:55AM
um, nervousness :)
If I were in your girlfriend's shoes I'd want to know now. Being kept in the dark is much worse than being left. If you've moved on let her move on too. Or I'm going to have to agree with you're a total bastard ;)
Yeah, I'd have to say 'bastard' and move this to polls.
The reason for not telling your girlfriend isn't to avoid hurting her -- it's to avoid her having the freedom of making the choice of staying, leaving, or seeing other guys. It's to avoid complications that result from what you are doing. It's just rationalization for you to pretend you're doing things for her sake.
1. Know what you want 2. Be unafraid to talk 3. Do the right thing
I'm speaking from experience. I spent years in love with my girlfriend but never gave 100%. I foolishly strayed only to realize who I was truly in love with, thankfully she gave me a second chance.
You DON'T want to sample, not if you want to keep your girlfriend. It will save you a lot of grief later on, it was very painful to fall for a another woman only to have to say good bye.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
I have to change this as I see you've gone OVER the line. If you're not compatible or in love with your current girlfriend then be a man and end the relationship. THEN you're free to pursuit the other woman.
Otherwise try to step back and realize the origins and reasoning of your emotions. I know it's very hard to do but you owe your girlfriend some decency and consideration. Realize that you'll try to rationalize and justify what you're doing. You're addicted to the attention of this new woman and are looking for any justification to get your next fix, you've basically become a crack whore.
This is what prostitutes and pornography are for, to get rid of these urges without bringing love into the equation.
You're already comparing your girlfriend to a firing squad -- which casts her as an adversary, and she doesn't even know that you think of her that way. You have a new confidant, with whom you are honest, and for the two of you, your girlfriend is the outsider and the adversary.
Would it really be the same thing to you if your girlfriend came to you and told you she had an attraction to another guy, and that she was confused and wanted to turn to you for help and understanding as she worked things through, as if you found out that for 4 months she had been screwing some guy behind your back, ("so as not to hurt you")?
Your alliance is not with your girlfriend anymore, your loyalty is gone. She deserves to know. Nobody likes finding out that they have spent time in a fake relationship, just so somebody else can have a drama.
She's not in a fake relationship......I love her and devote myself to her every moment we're together. I work at night and need to sleep as much as possible during the day to avoid burning out due to the physicality of my job, so the amount of time I spend with my girlfriend is short but very intense. We always try to make the time we're together special. She's not my fall-back position, she's my lover and I worship her. I can't and will not hurt her by telling her anything !
As for the girl at work, She knows about my situation, I've told her I can never give her what she wants. Her reply was..... "I have what I want !" This may sound strange but there's a connection between us that goes beyond attraction. When she walks in to a room full of people, I can feel she's in the room without ever seeing her.
What I'm doing may not be 'the right thing' but I'm not willing to give up either girl.
I know that you probably don't like what you are hearing here (and many people wouldn't) but your comment bugs me a little.Everyone seems to have a different view of what "Love" is, and to me the most important aspect of Love is exactly this: Holding that person (and your time with him/her) special and devoted every moment you're NOT together. Everything else is lust, passion, respect, desire, but not Love.
*Just my opinion with my relationships and life experiences, not to be take as the Gospel.*
I can understand the fascination you're experiencing right now Hardz, I've been there and done that. You're in the moment and blinded by lust and can't honestly think about your predicament. You're in a very seductive situation and I think the other woman realizes that.
You've come to the board apparently looking for advice but you're not taking it... that should say something IF you're willing to listen. Personally I think you've come here looking for some form of approval or a pat on the back.
Good Luck with it, I hope you don't come out the other side with regrets or emotional wreckage.
Let me tell you two reasons why it will be worse if you tell your girfriend latter: 1.) What! Its been going on for (X) months! The larger X gets, the worse it will be. 2.) You will have had sex with girl #2 by the time your gf finds out on her own. Long night of work together, get some breakfast, sex. On the course you've been on, it will happen.
Girl #2 has what she wants because you are moving towards her and confiding with her, not your gf. I'm curious how ugly this would get if you break up with #2. See, in many respects since she knows the situation you are in while knowing that your gf doesn't, she knows she has the stronger relationship with you.
To be fair, this would assume that both parties have enough information, right?
p.s. croy, are you still on adultdvdtalk.com right now? i would love to chat with some other porn fans (not gay). i am in the chatroom as J_Switzerland. Maybe see you there in a few minutes?
Toylover, sorry about the timing. I was sweeping through a bunch of websites at the time. Now I am here right before getting dinner and watching the start of the (American) Football season. You know, the game with the olive shaped ball.Risk hurting her or you? I'm smelling some self deception here. The execution remark is a dead giveaway. If you actually love her, remember that telling her (nicely) is about her, not you. At least be honest with yourself here. Admit to yourself what you are and why you do the things you do.This isn't nervousness. She is marking her territory and giving hints to your girlfriend that something isn't right. Just wait, it will get more insidious. When you drive #2 somewhere, something will "accidentally" be left behind. Watch out if she wears strong smelling perfume suddenly, she will hug you. Hair color different that gf's?
I found out about a boyfriend's other gal, when she happened to leave behind a copy of her Glamour magazine at his apartment. It even had her name printed on the mailing label. I'll never forget little Debbie Holtzenmeiser, no I won't. BTW, he met Miss Debbie at work.
The boyfriend did 'fess up, and I realized that he wasn't going to choose one or the other of us, he wanted both. It turns out that this was all rather casual for all of us, and a few months later I did break up with him, since our interest in each other was waining anyway.
Hardz, I suspect that your current girlfriend already suspects something is different with you, though she may not realize what it is. It would be better if you gently told her; she'll probably find out anyway.
I guess I am a total bastard and sharing my experience here was mainly because I can't talk to any of my friends due their familiarity with the people in this triangle.
I've never been a Saint and 'doing the right thing' isn't a quote I live by, it's more accurate to say 'doing the right thing for me'.
Looking after 'number one' was a matter of survival when I was growing up and it's served me well.
I know most people here think my girlfriend is some poor victim. Nothing could be further from the truth. I work hard to provide for her and devote myself to her needs. She lives a very independent life and I don't impose male chauvinistic restrictions upon her.
This 'truth' and 'telling your partner everything' is bull-shit because I highly doubt anyone here is an open book with their partners.
I may be a bastard but I'm not a bad guy. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. I could just sit at home, drink beer, eat chips and watch sports, but then I'd be a total wanker.
A guy who is occasionally a good rule of thumb psychologist. When you have seen and been through enough, it gets easier. What is a more common experience than attraction? Some other feminine things about me are cooking - on occasion I like to do it. Diplomacy/peacemaking - though when I get fired up I go quite the opposite. This is actually because it is quieter and less stressful when I am done. I like animals and have been noticing kids more. Bad sign, as I have been stubbornly single (words of others). Kids are just funny and cute. Now I am secure enough to shed the idiot punk thing. I can tell when things match (usually), though I cannot necessarily come up with the combinations. I hate centipedes. Masculine things? Well while I am not a leader, I am not the best follower. Just set me loose. When a guy who isn't an alpha starts acting with loud bravado, something in me wants/needs to show them what they really are. Part of me loves confrontation. But a rebel is only defined by having something to rebel against, a dependant reality. When I go into a bar, I can smell blood in the water. You know what I mean. The better part of me doesn't take advantage. I like fast cars, motorcycles, and gadgets. A well made weapon (for individuals) touches a primal part of me. A poorly made or maintained one pisses me off to no end. I target shoot and take care of my guns religiously.
The reason everybody think your gf is a victim isn't because of how you treat her on a day to day basis. It is because you are keeping a very essential piece of information from her. Essentially it takes away a part her freedom. Why? Well we need some beers and some pool (I don't play darts) time to figure that out. Also may have been on the opposite end of cheating, or themselves cheated.
Do we share everything in relationships? You are right, we don't. As Jimmy Carter said "In my heart I have committed adultry". But now you are getting defensive and rationalizing. Remember, the bastard comments were in part from the thread title and after you had kisses girl #2 (after much advice). I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. If I live longer, I will make more (it is a pattern). Same mistakes others have made. Doesn't make it more right.
Drinking/smoking/drugs doesn't make a person bad, nor does its absence make a person good. We aren't judging you on the rest of your life, just the thing you wanted us to judge.
