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All Forums > Sex Talk > Sex Talk Forum Page 54 > Another problem
AuthorPost
PornMaestro
Member

Toronto
12 Posts
4/03
Posted - Jun 28 2003 : 9:36AM
My present girlfriend is wonderful, I feel so lucky to have met and fallen in love with her.

She has a sexual problem whereby she can't have anything penetrate her. It seems to be more psychological, as she just tenses up and gets afraid when something is touching the hole, or even enters a little bit.

I've done some research on the net, and she is talking about it with her therapist, but I just wondered if anyone had had similar experiences and could relate how they did or attempted to overcome it.

I would never think of pressuring her, and I always try to give her support and offer help, but she seems to only want to fix it on her own, and unfortunately I think she's almost given up after trying for a little while some months ago.


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lindi
Senior Member

12345
3205 Posts
9/02
Posted - Jun 28 2003 : 11:03AM
I hope you've read this thread.

Unfortunately, this isn't that uncommon, either (amazing world we live in).

I have had physical tension regarding penetration after a bout with a yeast infection - starting sex without realizing I had a yeast infection, and trying to continue when I realized there was some pain, only to find it getting worse. Sometimes all it takes is one 'negative' experience, and the body wants to become tense in that situation.

Does she get an annual women's gyn exam with a speculum without problem? How about her own fingers being inserted?

She sounds very aversive - perhaps there is a trauma or abuse in her past. I guess her therapist will be exploring that. Or maybe she has absorbed some strict religious conditioning or something. It sounds like she probably really does need to work on it alone for now, but hopefully she hasn't given up and is working on it.
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Edited by - lindi on 6/28/2003 11:04:21 AM

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PornMaestro
Member

Toronto
12 Posts
4/03
Posted - Jun 28 2003 : 11:51AM
Hi lindi,
Thanks for the link. I believe she realized it 4-5 years ago when she did have a yeast infection, and couldn't insert the necessary treatment into her vagina, I believe her mom had to do it for her.

She can't insert her own fingers or tampons, I believe she's told me it's harder when she has to do it herself.

Also, I'm not sure if she regluarly sees her gyno, but recently she had to have an exam before making a decision on the pill, but was too nervous about it and never went.

I also fear it may be some sort of abuse experienced in her past, interestingly she has told me her sister has the same problem. However, it is obviously difficult to bring this up for conversation, and it's probably not even my place to bring that up.

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lindi
Senior Member

12345
3205 Posts
9/02
Posted - Jun 29 2003 : 1:51PM
Hey, how does she respond to sexual things that don't involve penetration? Does she enjoy those?

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oreb
Member

92 Posts
6/03
Posted - Jul 2 2003 : 2:01AM
You said "However, it is obviously difficult to bring this up for conversation, and it's probably not even my place to bring that up."
This is crap, if you are at a point in a relationship with someone where you both think it's time to have sex, then you should also be close enough to talk about anything. It's important to know all that you can about someone you care about.
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MLyons
Senior Member

1617 Posts
8/02
Posted - Jul 2 2003 : 10:57AM
Oh I don't know... I certainly appreciate the tender approach that PornMaestro is taking to this. As was suggested there could be some deep issues here that merit a bit of care and a lot of patience. You sound like you really care about her, PM and as long as she feels supported without pressure, I think you have a good chance of keeping her open to working on it because her relationship with you is worth it--not out of obligation but out of the genuine desire to clear this hurdle for both her and your sake.

I think it's certainly worth exploring, and certainly you shouldn't be afraid to offer help, and express your desires, but I appreciate the caring attitude your exhibiting and I'm sure she will too.

That said... obviously I don't know shit. And I'm just some stranger on the internet, you can take or leave what I say, but I've found that if you really have a good relationship, and you approach these kinds of things with empathy and care and above all a willingness to compromise, she will WANT to do what she can to correct this problem she has--as much for you as for her. Forcing the issue is never a good idea. Patience. For what my opinion is worth, I think your going about it the right way!

Mike L.

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Arethusa
Member

Enjoying Sweden
99 Posts
8/02
Posted - Jul 7 2003 : 2:33AM
Well, I certainly feel you on this problem. It can be very frustrating, more so because it is such a deeply personal problem that it can be hard to talk about intimately. Letting her figure it out herself is a good approach because (at least in my experience) she will probably be very sensitive to any pressure you put on her. And well-meaning questions can be interpreted as such.
One thing I have found that helps it to make every attempt at penetration a positive one. Laughing, talking, etc. tends to help. It's just going to compound her feelings of discouragement if they are negative experiences.
It's a fine line to walk: on one hand she really has to want it to work out, on the other hand she can't feel too pressured or it won't work at all.
On another note, I've found that with a problem like this it's easy to fall into the rut of substitution i.e relying solely on oral sex or just cuddling and not working on the problem. This might seem OK at the time but in the long run it solves nothing. Working in small increments seems to be helpful - begin with just a little penetration and work your way from there as she (hopefully) becomes more comfortable. Just don't give up on it. I'm happy to hear she is in therapy. Hopefully she has a good therapist who will help her discover the root of this problem.
Hope this helps, keep us updated.
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