Is it bad when your wife tells you the only reason she has sex is because she is married? What about when she has not initiated sex in over 2 years? Any help would be great. Todd
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Clam Digger Deactivated User
Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good. 2268 Posts 1/05
Posted - Mar 17 2010 : 3:25PM
Well it's not good. Do you talk to each other about both of your feelings? Are you honest wither and yourself? How old is she? How long have you been married? Do you have children? Would she have more sex, if it wasn't with you? Has she talked a a physician about this? Lack of sexual desire can be induced by physical changes in a woman's body. Do you ever surprise her with flowers or other thoughtful gifts? Do you do things together? Do you treat her as a full partner in your marriage? Do you respect her, and show it? Do you let her know in both big and small ways that there is no one that you would rather be with? During sex is her orgasm more important to you then her's? During sex, do you treat her as a lover or nothing more then a hole in the mattress? Are you mindful of your personal hygiene? Edited by - Clam Digger on 3/17/2010 3:28:14 PM
Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good. 2268 Posts 1/05
Posted - Mar 17 2010 : 5:16PM
One other question I should have asked is, did see ever enjoy sex? Considering your answers to the other questions it sounds to me that the two of you should consult a physician. There may very well be that there is a medical issue. I might also suggest that both of you go together to a therapist or marriage counselor. Other then sex, it would seem you have a wonderful marriage.
A sexless marriage, unless both partners agree to such, is not working. Period. I'm with CD...you two should seek out some medical advice. She could be taking some meds already that are impacting her libido. Anti-depressants, for example, can throw tons of cold water on your desire to have sex. It is also possible that although you think everything is "fine" with the two of you, there is some hidden frustration on her side and she views sex as a chore, something she doesn't want to do because she feels as if she gets nothing from it. Marriage counseling would be my second stop if physically everything works out OK. Unresolved conflict in the marriage puts you on a direct course to divorce court. If you can talk about anything, then you can talk about anything with a trained counselor who addresses sexless marriages all the time.
When you read my response, bear in mind that I am a newlywed. Seems to me that love without sex is just what you said, a friendship. If she's not willing to admit that there is an issue there, or willing to work on that issue, I would consider a separation when your daughter has moved out of the house.
Todd, My wife and I have struggled over our differing levels of sexual desire for a significant part of our 20-year marriage. However, because we really love each other and really love being being together (and not just because we have kids), we've worked hard on the issue and have made huge advances. The sex we have now is even better than the sex we had when we first met, but it's been a long haul and we still have our rough patches. As other people have said, getting professional help -- both medical and psychological -- is crucial. Your problems will not correct themselves immediately, but they are probably correctable. You will need to be persistent and patient. Don't give up on your wife too quickly. Divorcing a much-loved life partner is like having a death in the family. Hang in there! Best, Bob
Do you like her body? I ask this not flippantly. If you do, you should compliment her on it until she literally says "that's enough already :>" Often, middle-aged women find it difficult to enjoy sex because they're obsessing over what they perceive to be their physical flaws. This prevents them from getting to where they need to be mentally to enjoy having nude sex. If she has such fears and you eradicate them, she might get a new lease on her sex life.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious - Brendan Gill 723 Posts 4/09
Posted - Mar 23 2010 : 4:39PM
This requires careful professional help, both medical and psychological. I will suppose that you know not to presume the problems are all with your wife and that whatever it takes to restore a full relationship is likely to require a lot of change from both of you. Just remember that this is a problem that can be fixed, but it will require patience and understanding. By the way, CD, I thought your posts were VERY impressive and really covered all the bases.
Maybe -- but maybe not. A lot depends on how accurately Todd has assessed his own situation and how straightforward his wife has been in expressing her feelings to him. If the only thing lacking in their relationship is sex, and it truly does stem from Todd's wife's lack of desire (as he says she says), then it's not clear to me what kind of changes are incumbent upon Todd to make. It's possible for one partner in a relationship to be sexually dysfunctional without the other one being so. To a certain extent, we are each responsible for our own desire and our own orgasms. If a woman started the same kind of thread in this forum, I doubt that people would be rattling off the same list of questions that Clam Digger asked of Todd. And if not, why not?
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious - Brendan Gill 723 Posts 4/09
Posted - Mar 24 2010 : 8:05AM
No, sir. Not in this case. The issue in ANY problem that arises in a relationship should NEVER be whose fault it is. The second one focuses on who is to blame, your lover and your best friend becomes your adversary, and, as long as THAT is the case, NO problem, let alone one as complex and serious as sexual incompatibility, can be solved. Nor can any trouble that is not SHARED be endured. Even in cases where sexual dysfunction is the fault of a physiological or anatomical disorder, fixing it will require Todd's patience, understanding and care. There is no way for anyone here to know what the cause of this dysfunction is. It could be anything from attitude to anatomy. Nor can the couple themselves expect to be able to solve this problem alone. There are, as well, physical disorders that make it impossible for a woman to enjoy sex in the usual manner, that will require both husband and wife to develop a whole new understanding of the role of sex in their relationship. There are psyshological causes of sexual dysfunction that can take years to treat. There is no way that dealing with this problem will NOT test a couple's love for one another. Clam Digger is SO right: this is serious, and failing to do EVERYTHING required to find out what the problem is and to fix it would be tragic. I have gone through this problem myself and I speak of marriage from 40 years of experience.
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Clam Digger Deactivated User
Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good. 2268 Posts 1/05
Posted - Mar 24 2010 : 12:08PM
I can't speak for others, but I would ask those kinds of questions of a woman, specially on this particular forum, with issues like Todd's. How can anyone offer any sort of advice, especially for deeply felt problems, without knowing something about the person, or the relationship? More then that, a question that causes someone to search themselves more deeply for answers, is much better then a list of do's and don'ts from a stranger. More generally, why would any of this require that fault be assigned to anyone? We apparently have two people, who care a lot for each other, dealing with a problem about intimacy, that is causing pain and driving them apart. This is way beyond blame.
I agree. But any good marriage requires patience, understanding, and care in all sorts of ways. However you wrote:So unless Todd isn't exhibiting patience, care, and understanding right now, the question of what changes, if any, he needs to make remains unanswered and, in the absence of detailed information, unanswerable. ------------ (typos) Edited by - bob on 3/24/2010 8:22:23 PM
One further note: The concepts of "fault" and "blame" are distinct from those of "causation" and "responsibility". * * * The requirements and efficacy of various therapeutic methods -- that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious - Brendan Gill 723 Posts 4/09
Posted - Mar 25 2010 : 11:32AM
No they are not. Placing blame on one party or the other in this case is exactly the same as saying who is responsible for the problem. Of course I'm not saying that the problem shouldn't be diagnosed, that it shouldn't be discussed by the couple, under professional guidance if necessary. But, Should the diagnosis of the incompatibility be a physiological one, how do you begin to treat that problem by saying to your wife "your body is the cause of this." What's the point? Even saying so in the gentlest way possible can turn what should be a loving and mutually supportive exploration for solutions into a guilt trip full of self recriminations, resentment, and the risk of a destroyed relationship. The bottom line for Todd is that this forum is no place to be coming for answers about so serious a problem. Fotunately, I think he sounds as if he knows that.
And by the way, yes, marriage Does ALWAYS require patience, care,and understanding. And the reason you point that out is what?
Hmmmm. Don't let your good intentions interfere with your powers of analysis. Accurate diagnosis and effective treatement require precision.You continue to miss my point -- which is that a problem cannot be treated properly without determining its cause(s). Your statement that Todd should be prepared to make a lot of changes in himself (as distinguished from continuing to be patient, caring, and understanding) completely lacked foundation in the absence of facts.I agree.Because it's so general and obvious that it doesn't constitute useful advice.
Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. 2 Posts 3/10
Posted - Mar 25 2010 : 8:03PM
Just my two cents, for what it may be worth: For way too many years I suffered from serious depression, which killed a life-long joy of masturbation, sex and intimacy. Thankfully, that is soooo not the case now, in part due to therapy and in part due to meds. One in particular, (which was not indicated to) woke up my libido to the point where I am having what may be considered too much fun....! I know that we go through a fair amount of hormonal changes in our forties...like every other decade (!) and I wonder about a couple of things in regard to Tmkowal's post.... 1. Why do you have to ask if it is bad? It only is if it makes you feel bad/your wife feel bad, or the context in which she told you this was bad: a. If sex is not something you wish or desire, then you and your wife may be happy in ways that others could not be. b. If your wife feels "obligated" to have sex, that is clearly not acceptable, satisfying nor reasonable for either of you. c. If she told you about the sex being a marital "duty" during a heated moment, then it IS bad. It would be my guess that something much more serious (resentments?depressions?financial worries?mid-life god-what?) might be an issue. 2. No initiation in over 2 years? All the previous posts have been brilliant, insightful and really thoughtful, so here's my attempt: a. You never mentioned if you have other stressors in your life. For example, if she has become less physical in general, like no hugs, kisses, bum pats, etc., she may be withdrawing for many reasons ranging from anxiety, fear, stress and so on. b. Look back to about three years ago. Did some one she loved die? Did the daughter becoming a teenager remind her of something good/terrible in her past? c. Did either of you change weight significantly, for a trite, but sometimes real issue? OK, some tough questions.... Was she often initiating sex, or did you just notice that it's been over two years? How do you compute the two years? Was it sudden? Was there a major life event? As you both have talked about feelings, have you expressed your concern, confusion and, I'm guessing, your guilt over this to her? And the kicker, are you both being completely honest with each other, to the best of your abilities? Because a life lived in shame/fear/lies is a life half-lived, at best. The therapy will force you two to be honest, hopefully, but better yet, you could try it with each other alone, first. A full physical for BOTH of you might be a great way to share the "blame" and make sure you are both on the journey toward full health and happiness TOGETHER. Not sure if this was any help at all, but I do wish you the best.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious - Brendan Gill 723 Posts 4/09
Posted - Mar 25 2010 : 10:57PM
quote] Bob wrote:Hmmmm. Don't let your good intentions interfere with your powers of analysis. Accurate diagnosis and effective treatement require precision.
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Thanks for the nod to my good intentions, but if you read ALL of what I wrote instead of just the parts you want to pick on, you'd have seen: "Of course I'm not saying that the problem shouldn't be diagnosed, that it shouldn't be discussed by the couple, under professional guidance if necessary."
I continue to say that in discussing the problem, even mentioning that one or the other party has caused it or bears responsibility threatens the whole healing process regardless of its diagnosis. Whatever the cause, the person who has the problem already knows, from the professional diagnosis or is likely to suspect fom his or her her own intuition or fear, that he or she has the problem. Bringing it up even once can only make things more difficult. These are matters that require ultimate discretion and delicacy. A less serious example: If your wife is on a diet, you compliment her progress, you encourage her to excercise, etc. You never EVER say, "you know, honey, you WERE getting kinda fat." If you think THAT would be okay, you either ain't married, haven't been married for long, have a string of short marriages in your history, or are married to a woman you should keep at all cost.You continue to miss my point -- which is that a problem cannot be treated properly without determining its cause(s). Your statement that Todd should be prepared to make a lot of changes in himself (as distinguished from continuing to be patient, caring, and understanding) completely lacked foundation in the absence of facts.
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And your grasp of English is flawed. The phrase 'be prepared to' does not imply only that it WILL happen, but also that it MIGHT happen.I agree.Because it's so general and obvious that it doesn't constitute useful advice.
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So obvious that 57% of ALL mariages end in divorce within two years. So obvious that the number one reason cops are called is domestic disturbance. So obvious that I have to tell a male poster that placing responsibility for ANY problem on your significant other is a very dangerous thing for a relationship even in a minor matter.
^^^ I feel lucky that this statement doesn't reflect either my experience or my wife's over the 21 years of our marriage. Love should be resilient enough to tolerate constructive honesty, including around sensitive issues. An honest relationship requires that both partners be able to speak the truth and hear the truth.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious - Brendan Gill 723 Posts 4/09
Posted - Mar 26 2010 : 11:23PM
If EVER the phrase 'double standard" applied, it applies in marriage. My better half can criticize anything she likes about me as often as she likes. I smile. But if she ever said, "I need to lose some weight," and I said "Yes you do," it would be ugly, very ugly.
