Has anyone ever ventured outside a marital relationship for sex with another partner due to a spouses lack of interest due to a untreatable chronic illness?
I would also bet that it doesn't end well, but life has already dealt a bad hand.
It's a good question, and I've previously discussed this issue with my husband. I told him if I was ever disabled and 'out of it' as in a coma or something, to have a life. That if I had a tragedy, there's no reason for his life to be over too. It would be a much tougher issue if I was chronically ill but still mentally 'with it,' but then we'd have to talk it over.
[I've also told him that if I die first, he should have another relationship as soon as he wants one. No reason for him to ever wonder if it would have been okay with me. No time is 'too soon,' and he's not the kind of guy who should be alone].
And, of course, we've also discussed the 'vice versa.' Neither of us knows what we'd really want to do in that position, but we both trust the other to act with integrity and with the well-being of both of us in mind.
seedless - a difficult issue as we're all human beings and therefore have the sexual urge, but an unwise course of action to take I think if the emotional bond is still a strong one.
Hope you don't mind me asking but does your partner have the illness, or do you have it? Or are you just raising this as an issue?
I personally wouldn't want, or probably be able, to see someone else for sex if my wife had such a condition. I'd just use my hand more. I would have thought that if you are involved in such a situation your partner (or yourself) needs all the emotional support he/she can get. Seeing the same person (extra-marital partner) for sex might well interfere with this process, as it is - in my experience - nigh on impossible to remain emotionally detached from someone you are having regular sex with over a prolonged period. Seeing a prostitute (one-off) probably won't result in the same emotional attachment developing, but this isn't something that I'd personally want to do. However, each to their own.
Edited by - Another porn addict on 3/12/2005 2:52:55 AM
Yes, that is the defining part. it's not a healthy marriage any more if the decision is made behind the other person's back. If sex is more important than the relationship, the relationship is ailing.
My husband is probably the type who would turn to his hand, but if I was coherent and was asked about other relationships, him having one steady relationship with another partner would seem a lot more threatening than the idea of him seeing prostitutes. He's also the type of guy who likes to be emotionally invested in the sex, though, so that wouldn't appeal to him much.
The situation is such that it's going to involve some sorrow for both people no matter which way it goes.
This has come up a few times by my wife who has had a full hysterctomy due to endomiterosis, developed type I diabetes 6 months after that operation and has asthma also. She turns 40 next week and has been battling health issues for over 6 years. She says her body feels like she's in her 70's. She is seeing various doctors for her ailments, but she has brought up the subject a few times over the past year, either telling me I should find someone else for sex or to divorce her and marry a healthy woman. I have resorted to self gratification as a sexual tension relief but I do have to admit I do miss the intimacy. I'm sort of at odds I have taken on a few new hobbies to keep myself busy. It helps take my mind off the problem. Divorce is not the answer and I really don't like the idea of a second sex partner. Some people claim they can handle more thn one sex partner. I think no matter how hard you tr there will always end up being an emotional component by either partner that will make things very complicated.
[Link]
DenverDon Benevolent
Firmly Embedded in Depravity 5914 Posts 7/02
Posted - Mar 12 2005 : 2:32PM
I have a friend that has/is going through this. He and his wife discussed it and she encouraged him to get with some other women for sex and sexual relief. Divorce was not an option that was discussed.
He has gone out a few times with some 'professional' ladies for an evening of sex and close personal contact. He chose this route because he didn't want a 'relationahip' that might develop into other personal entanglements. This was all with his wifes knowledge and 'blessing' as it were.
It sounds like you really love and are very loyal to your wife, which I deeply admire.
I would highly suggest seeing a marital and/or sexual counselor for suggestions on how to possibly find healthy outlets for your sexual desires that don't involve affairs or the use of prostitutes.
Maybe your wife, as completely understandable as it is that she currently has no libido, may be able to find some small spark left in herself, that would make her want to resume some sort of sexual relations (not necessarily intercourse) with you.
It just seems there are so many ways for two people to relate to each other intimately, sensually, not even necessarily sexually, and so many outlets for sexual energy, that bringing another person into the equation should be the very last resort.
This may be very easy for me to say, but I did go through a similar situation about seven-eight years ago. I will always be so grateful to my husband for staying faithful through such a trying time for us.
seedless - thanks for sharing your situation with us. It's obviously a really difficult time for you and your wife at the moment. I spent a bit of time just now surfing the net to see if I could come up with anything that might help you. Maybe you have tried this yourself already. If not this might be of assistance.
Thanks to everyone who has posted. I find this forum one of the best on the net. Thanks APA for the link, I will persue that further. I have another close friend who has chrones. He and his wife have faced this problem for many years. Although within their marriage it has been his illness that has put sex on hold I think it is easier for women to go without as we age than men, at least it's been my observation. My wife's girlfriend also has some sort of sexual dysfunction since the birth of her child over 3 yeas ago. I have spoken with her about our problem as well as hers. She said she has not had the "urge" for over 3 years, and has not even felt the need to satisfy herself. It amazes me that some people can let these problems go on for years. Life is short, why cheat yourself. I guess deep down I feel I'm missing out to a certian degree. When my wife and I married 12 years ago we both were relatively inexperienced sexualy which made the first years of our marrige fun. After a few years we settled into what I call routine sex. After the kids were born when we were lucky to have any time to ourselves we made the best of it. Now we are 3+ years into this rough spot and I am looking for the wisdom of other folks who have been there and done that.
My wife has another appointment with her gyno next month. I will go along and see what she suggests, maybe thearpy will help.
Not having seen this other board, I will say that I guess there will be emotional difficulties. I don't want to make you feel guilty, but here is what I see: You are out picking up women while your wife is home with the kids. If you have the same sex partner for a while, developing some feelings would be natural. Obviously this is conflicting and difficult. Other people finding out will be very strenuous. How would you explain it to your kids when they are old enough? What if they find out anyways?
A tough situation I am happy I don't have to figure out.
Porno movies, sexy videos, xxx. Adult DVD Talk at your service. 6409 Posts 11/99
Posted - Mar 13 2005 : 11:03AM
seedless - do you think your wife really means it when she says tells you to find another woman? she may be saying it in the hopes that you will tell her you don't want another woman. i think therapy is good advice. and you don't have to masturbate alone - maybe your wife would like to be a part of that?
don't misconstrue lack of interest with a lack of communication. There should be a way for you to get her fires going. If not seek medical advice to rule out any chemical problems and/or councilling for the mental barriers.
I'm going to quote a bit that I posted on that thread:
Also, for some people, not having sex for a while makes desire increase, but for other people (myself included), frequent sex keeps them hornier, and not having sex for a while makes desire dwindle.
I also have to say that frequent sex helps keep a lot of things tuned up, physically -- I just went through menopause, and I believe that daily sex kept me from experiencing any dryness and need for lubricants. Maybe if she can 'just say yes' and get going again, it will benefit her health.
Also, there is more to sex than sex -- sex is play and connection, and romance. I'm thinking that surely your wife is open to play and connection and romance, if she doesn't feel pressured to complete any particular act just for playing. It's a good place to start.
I have a few clients who have partners with ailments. One has fibromyalgia, another is in treatment for cancer, a few are dealing with menopause. I'm not in their homes, and I don't know their wives, but I do know that the men are seeing me for more than sexual release. They do want intimacy (or the illusion of intimacy), physical closeness, attention, and affirmation of their desirableness as humans. I believe some of their wives could provide them with these things even if they do not feel physically able to engage in intercourse. I believe if the men did not feel the need for these things they would be more satisfied with sexual self-gratification if that was all that was available. Please, seek relationship counselling before seeking sexual release outside of your marriage if what you really want is closeness with your wife.
I don't want to seek sex outside my marriage. I was curious what other couples had done in this situation. Sneaking out of town for a quickie every now and again would not solve the problem. When my wife has brought up the subject of me marrying someone else or finding someone for sexual relief I have told her that it would not solve the problem and that I love her too much to do that. With three kids I would not risk having to explain my actions. My wife is under medical care right now. I feel there is an emptiness she has because she can not be as physically active as she used to be. Both her parents died of cancer when she was young, her father when she was 15 and her mother when she was 24. Her father was one of the last survivors of the crewmen that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima. They flew back over the site once they dropped it exposing themselves to radiation. She has been to counseling in the past for childhood related problems. We have also been counsoled by a marriage counselor when we first married. Tonight after talking with her She has finally decided to take up running again and is looking into doing something for herself. I have told her many times she needs her own space and I could handle the kids. Her girlfriend called tonight and told her the same thing that she needs to find time for herself. I think some of it has to do with her self confidence since I hve been taking up the slack. Yesterday she was mad at me because I was helping our youngest daughter run the sewing machine. I am very mechanically inclinded and am self taught in everything I do. If I can't figure things out I find the help and wisdom of others. My wife tends to be the opposite and will not ask others for help and is in some ways too dependent on me. But I think that comes back to the chronic illness factor since she has to go day by day.
Porno movies, sexy videos, xxx. Adult DVD Talk at your service. 6409 Posts 11/99
Posted - Mar 14 2005 : 10:48AM
That's great, seedless! Exercise helps alleviate depression and increases self-confidence. Hopefully, she starts feeling better. It's amazing what a healthy diet and exercise can do for a person. Try cooking a nice healthy dinner too (and send the kids out :)
I'm doing some work for a company that tries to rehab fibromyalgia, clinical depression, chronic pain, chronic fatigue and a few other hard to prove ailments.
We don't see the fraudulent cases (as they're generally weeded out by then) but Mrs Oatmeal runs a doctor's office and they see plenty of people trying to get a free ride.
Natural 6 - review by Captain Jack
Posted - Mar 11 2005 : 9:34PM