Been a while since I posted, but I need male perspectives! I am infatuated with my boss. He is adorable, so cute and really sexy. I am not in love with him, God forbid, and there is no chance of ever having any relationship to him outside of work. And yet, I pine after him and ask for your insight... I don't even know what I want. I just can't stop thinking about him. I have no grand design for him. I want merely to touch him, to be close to him, to know his flesh... and yet I can't even call it lust. It falls either above or below lust. The problem is, he's married, eleven years older, and his wife just (maybe a month ago) had their third child. He is completely off limits and barred to me. I don't have the possibility of catching him in ANY way. He is beyond my capabilities. I would never dream of taking him. And there's no hope of that, any way. He hasn't shown any interest in me, despite my attempts to look pretty or alluring. He won't even talk to me about anything outside of work, yet he's all I think about. My heart races when he's in close proximity, I want only to kiss and touch and recognize him. And it's selfish and pathetic. I hate myself. And yet I wonder why he chose to confide in me recently about a coworker, a woman in her 50's (I am 22), who propositioned him. I haven't been working there more than four months and he chose to tell me about it. He told me he knew I wouldn't tell anyone. I have been told I project an air of truthfulness, that I won't betray confidances. But what does that matter here? How do you kill unrequited passion? How do I make myself stop thinking about him? What am I not understanding in this situation?
Sunshowers, If you honestly want to move beyond the frustration of this unrequited passion for your boss, the best thing you could do would be to find a new job and never see him again. That won't kill the passion, at least not right away, but it will distance you and give you a chance to move in a different emotional direction. I'm not as sure about this second bit of advice (and I'd welcome others' thoughts), but you might let him know why you are leaving and ask for his help in finding you a new position with another company. The combination of his feeling flattered by your infatuation and his guilt over his (albeit unintentional) contribution to your situation might make him a good ally in aiding your transition. One thing to be careful about: As much as you may doubt it, your boss may have confided in you about the other woman because he's infatuated with you, too, and wanted to gauge your reaction. However, given his marital and family status, it's likely to be emotionally dangerous for you to become romantically involved with him under any circumstances. Best of luck with this tough situation. -------------------------------------------- Edited by - bob on 10/2/2009 3:49:09 PM
I don't think you really can kill or get rid off passion of anykind or any emotion or drive for that matter. You can supress it which is good to some degree in the sense we dont act on everything but unhealthy if taken too far. It sounds like the passion in this case is driving you a bit nuts and thats kinda the fun of it too, its irrational thats why its awesome. I love that feeling and situation you are describing and get that often but dont attach to it b/c really it means nothing and its the feeling in of itself thats as good as anything. If you try to kill it you will make it stronger or really fight it at all inside. Its as much you as him, so see it, accept it, love it..its part of you, an aspect of you thats causing it. its pretty doubtful it would be anywhere near as good as u image it b/c its your mind As for reasons there are probably billions all pretty irrational but there is never really an answer to that. I dunno maybe this is too much of a 'hippie' answer for you lol but really thats a really cool feeling and emotion, id go with it in mind not fight it trying not to think about him is the same as thinking about him lol ya lifes always a pain in the ass in that way imo
I doubt he feels the same way about me. Of course, I harbor fantasies about him wanting me and feeling refreshed by a young, aloof girl wanting him the same way. I just don't know what to do. I'm not good at all at picking up on signals or people's motivations. The thing is, I'm aloof and not very emotional towards people. I'm attractive and I do take care of myself. I figure it's better to be aloof and mysterious than to cling to people. I just wish I knew what he felt about me. I am looking for another job. It actually has little to do with him. I am sick of being disrespected at work. If there was some way I could know what he thought about me! But the thing is, and it continually smacks me in the face, that it wouldn't matter even if he did want me. He's married and has three children. I couldn't interfere with a marriage. And I'm not a good flirt. I wouldn't know what to say to him. I'm sure this is something that I should subdue and hope dies with time. The possibility of "what if?" is what torments me. I would love to have ten minutes with him to demonstrate my feelings.
^ I think that falls into the category of 'Be careful what you wish for.' Listen to Bob. You need to distance yourself from this guy, and the sooner the better.
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realtip Deactivated User
2301 Posts 6/04
Posted - Oct 2 2009 : 6:55PM
I wouldn't suggest that at all. The only thing that has the potential of doing is making the situation more awkward and uncomfortable for the both of you. Next thing you know, he might be confiding in your coworkers about your proposition to him. Again, this will only make your working environment more uncomfortable. If you're going to leave, the best thing is to just say nothing about these feelings you're harboring. Telling him won't benefit either of you.Pardon my asking. But are you sure about this? Just reading your posts makes me skeptical about how strong your will power would be.
^^^ You're absolutely right, realtip. My second idea about telling the boss "why" was a bad one from several perspectives. SunShowers should just give appropriate advance notice and leave.
Unrequited love? Is there any other kind? I agree. Get Out. Unrequited love (or infatuation) is poisonous. It'll either eat you alive or drive you to do something you'll regret. You need to focus your attention on something rewarding, not destructive. And if you do it--tell me how.
I've been in similar situations many times in my life, as I'm sure most people have! I've lusted after co-workers etc, sent out "signals" and got nothing back! I've found there's one sure way to resolve situations like this, go out and find someone who does want you and direct your love towards them. You will soon forget about the other non-responsive person.
Due to the potential for sexual harassment claims, it's not wonder he's not showing any interest in you. You would definitely have to make the first move if you felt going after a married man (that you don't even love) is what you want. You can always pretend (convince yourself) that the guy's a total asshole, or find something about him that you dislike (no matter how small) and fixate on that negative aspect, which may help diminish your lust. I don't think quitting your job is the answer at all. By quitting, you're essentially saying you're unable to interact with people in an adult setting. Are you going to go through life quitting everything just because someone stirs feelings in you and you don't know how to cope with them? I hope not. Find a reason to be romantically repulsed by him, while at the same time remembering you must be professional and work with him for the sake of business. Edited by - cryogenix on 10/4/2009 1:38:51 PM
Unable to interact with people in an adult setting? Is that code for having a affair? Frankly, it sounds like complete nonsense to me. An unwanted infatuation is not a choice. It cannot be turned on or off at will. In fact, there's some evidence suggesting that it is a hormonally induced state which bypasses the conscious, decision making centers of the brain altogether. The best course of action is to remove the source of the infatuation. The second best, and usually most practical, is to remove oneself from the object of infatuation.
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Kierkegaard 2684 Posts 8/09
Posted - Oct 4 2009 : 6:06PM
SS, I see three practical options
Replace him with another 'forbidden fruit' (healthy fruit). The more alien/foreign, the better chance of it being effective. I wouldn't advise this in many situations, cause it can get out of control if not limited. But if you need to buy time, this might be a feasible option.
Leave environment - there are many situations where many things are beyond your control. An feasible option is to remove yourself from that environment. Not sure if this is possible or necessary, but if you want to prevent impending compulsions, then this is usually effective. However, it doesn't address the nature of the problem, if there is one.
Experiment in doing stuff (healthy stuff) outside your scope and boundaries (kind of related to #1). If you have a curious personality (sounds like you do), then this might help stimulate thoughts and divert attention (i.e., racing thoughts) towards new things/people that are not 'dead-ends' for you. As in #1, the more foreign, the more effective.
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I admire your unselfishness by not giving in and becoming a home wrecker (especially since there's kids involved). Unfortunately, in doing this, he becomes the forbidden fruit even more, which makes it harder. Just realize there's life outside of this person.
You really should write this stuff, giving people access to your writings, if you are not doing so already. This is what blogs were designed for. I have read many blogs where I could care less of their thoughts or observations. I enjoy reading your adventures, albeit it is a limited sample.
Sure, but it is hardly the only method. For example, Captain Kirk has an unrequited passion for Lt. Uhura. He can remove her by transferring her to another command.
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NewRomancer Deactivated User
under THEIR avatar 738 Posts 7/08
Posted - Oct 5 2009 : 9:44AM
Get a hobby... stop dwelling on it... Remember that no matter how great you think he is, his wife is totally sick of his bullshit... And he wipes his nose on the towels.
I have considered every reply. And it occurs to me that there is nothing to consider! I am fortunate now that he is on vacation all week and I won't see him. I've made a conscious decision to just get over him. Honestly, I don't love him and can't detect anything that would appeal to my heart about him. He's cute and I have a physical reaction to him, but that's where it ends. Upon reflection, I'm not even as attracted to him as I thought I was. It's just so rare for me to be attracted to anyone that I probably overestimated the situation. Still, how nice it would be to wrap my arms around him...Hubba, hubba. And yet, there are probably many guys out there I've yet to meet that I will want to molest, so it's not as if he's the Holy Grail. I appreciate every reply to this thread. You've helped me put this in perspective. As to starting a blog, I've tried that and failed. I don't really have enough to say and many of my opinions differ from the norm, so I fear people don't relate to it so well. Thanks
Bullshit! If you're unable to keep your hormones and feelings in check, it means you're not in control of your own life, are not a rational adult, and therefore have no business interacting in the real world until you can control yourself. Are you a child who must act on every whim and urge because you can't help yourself? Sounds like a rapist's mentality, to me. Eliminate the source of your infatuation or desire? Again, there's no need to rid it or extract yourself from it, just learn to DEAL with life. Sheesh!
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Kierkegaard 2684 Posts 8/09
Posted - Oct 5 2009 : 1:40PM
Glad to hear of your revelations. As for the blog issue, I think this is why people (on ADT at least) like your writing (besides your style), because your opinions differ from the norm. Related to JahGentle sentiment, embrace your passion & uniqueness (I'm not referring to the theoretical relationship with the guy). As for the mundane logistics of it, you could re-start small and you wouldn't have to devote/produce a lot (and then re-eval after feedback). At the very least, I am sure it would offer you an healthy, productive, and effective coping mechanism for all your life stress (if/does writing helps you in this department?) Personally, I am sick of reading generic blogs, especially the bad satirical ones. Besides being unoriginal and boring, they have a depressing effect. At least your stuff is uplifting, refreshing, and I posit in high demand (even if not perceived so), in a world full of depressing news/publications. Well, I better stop before people think I'm suck your dick. Oh too late!
There's no alternative to interacting in the real world, even if you "have no business" doing it. In any event, you're confusing two things: having strong (and maybe unpleasant) feelings, on the one hand, and, on the other hand, acting on them. Most people can't turn their feelings off like a spigot. They have to manage them in both the short and the long term, in the most practical and effective ways, in order to further their best interests. To use SunShowers as an example of someone who is struggling with strong emotions, she has kept her emotions in check (in that she hasn't acted on them), even though she can't will away those feelings as if she were a robot. In terms of my advice to SunShowers that she distance herself from her boss, I thought her question was how best to deal with the pain and "stuckness" that her (obsessive?) feelings were causing her. My impression was that there was an air of emotional desperation in SunShower's first post. On reflection, I may have misread her feelings due to her passionate manner of written expression. Her most recent post has a markedly different tone from the first one. If my initial impression was wrong, my advice to her would be different. -------------------------
BYOB Kenobi, you are welcome to suck my dick whenever you like. I would consider it an honor and a privilege. Thank you for the favorable opinion of my writing. I do like to write and write a lot of fiction. I am really not disciplined enough to keep up with a generic blog. I have one blog about beauty tips, but I update it infrequently. For one, I don't have many followers and for another, beauty tips can be boring. If I ever do decide to start a blog, I will be sure to let you know.
I haven't made a move or given him the slightest indication I'm interested, so I hope no one is implying I have no self control and should resign from society.
I don't think I need add anything to Bob's remarks (spot-on, as usual), but I will say that if you'd made that insinuation to my face I'd have blackened your eye.
Simple. You have to get away from the person in question and stay away. OK. That isn't simple but it's what you have to do. Only willpower will stand in your way of trying something as long as you remain in daily contact with this person and you don't sound like your willpower is as strong as you say it is. This man has a family. I completely understand what you feel and I know it sucks bad but that's just how it is. There have to be a thousand single men where you live. Why him?
I was just reading an intriguing article in September's issue of The Atlantic, which I have now located online for your pleasure. Sex and the Married Man. It's about Helen Gurley Brown, smarmy desperation, and the John Edwards affair. Good reading. Keep your self respect, SunShowers, and look elsewhere.
Also -- the infatuation is better than the realization of these things. You can savor the feeling of infatuation even if it burns. You might feel more alive, but probably pretty shitty. But it's better to find a healthy relationship, and at the end of the day, you want to make the world a better place.
Great article. We get The Atlantic and I read it last month. The writer, Caitlin Flanagan, always has interesting and provocative things to say, and she says them well. She's also a hottie: ---------------------- [spelling]
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Kierkegaard 2684 Posts 8/09
Posted - Oct 8 2009 : 5:23PM
lucky bastard!
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Clam Digger Deactivated User
Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good. 2268 Posts 1/05
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 10:19AM
He wasn't confiding in you, he was hitting on you. You are quite a bit younger and have only worked for him for 4 months and he his telling you such a story. Please, the next thing he'll be telling you is about all the pressure that he is under and that his wife doesn't understand him. Fuck him or not, but find a new job.
I really don't think he was hitting on me... or maybe he was, but not in a committed way. Maybe he's just used to his wife and the kids and felt like "strutting" a little bit with the next closest female. I don't take that conversation as indication that he's genuinely interested. I did fine while he was out of town last week, but now he's back I'm still feeling the same way about him. But honestly, no bullshit, I know I would never make a move. I'm too reserved and shy about such things. Which is a huge part of my problem in regards to guys in general. There have been a couple of attractive guys at work who have tried to flirt/engage with me, but I can see now they've pretty much given up. I know how I come off, which is why I know nothing would ever happen with my manager. I give off every indication that I'm not interested. I've even been told this before. And it sucks because sometimes I AM interested, but I'm too shy to be flirty. I feel like I'll make a fool of myself. I really wonder if I'll ever have a relationship. I have no confidence in myself, even though I know I'm pretty and have good physical attributes. But when I'm around guys, I just close myself off and give the impression that I don't care about them. Which can be an asset. I know I would never be someone who would cling to a boyfriend, he'd be lucky to hear from me once in a few weeks. I would LOVE to flirt with my manager just a little bit, nothing serious, but I don't have the power. I have no confidence and doubt I ever will. I'd love to think he was flirting with me, but it's dangerous to assume. It makes you powerless and I can't deal with that. :(
Being shy is a flaw. People generally think of it as being humble and unassuming, but shyness is a reflection of ego. If you're shy, you're wrapped up in your sense of self, what people perceive about you. And that's egotistical. But it's one thing to recognize the flaw, it's another to eradicate it.
I would think about shyness more in terms of a mild phobia than as a flaw. Like any phobia, shyness can be overcome by gradual yet systematic exposure to the uncomfortable situation. If you're afraid of the water, you start off by dipping in a toe -- or as much more of your leg as you can manage before too much anxiety sets in. Repeat, push a little farther, repeat, etc. Eventually, you're swimming laps. Figure out a reasonably small increment of flirting (or just friendly talking) to start. Sure, you'll feel anxious, but you'll realize afterward that you've survived it; the embarrassment, if any, hasn't killed you. Onward and upward. As a mentor of mine once told me, "It's much easier to act your way into a new set of feelings than it is to feel your way into a new set of actions." Easier to say than do -- but effective.
You're right and your words are wise. But when I say I'm not flirty, I really mean that I'm not aggressive. I do engage in friendly conversation with guys at work. I never escalate the interaction, however, even when given the opportunity. I HAVE flirted before at work. It's just not something that seems to be programmed into my system. I had a guy I met on a dating site (ugh, I hate meeting people that way) telling me to come over last night, and it just felt so pointless to me. Honestly, he jumped into sexual talk way too quickly, but I just don't want a stupid relationship built on sex. I don't care to have casual sex or have meaningless flirtations. Or if it is just based on sex, I'd like it to have an above average level of passion or attraction. I don't want to have sex just because a guy thinks I'm tolerably attractive or just because I have a pussy. I think the ideal situation would be for me to meet an aggressive, intelligent, kind-hearted guy who would be the instigator. But how often do aggressive, intelligent, and kind-hearted meet? Blegh. I have ridiculous standars, both for myself and other people.
Another thing about my manager: he's somewhat manipulative and a bit of a user. Ok, I know it's important to be productive at work. I know that what matters most is the job. But he's such a user. I was doing another job at work, a job which took me away from his department and which monopolized me. He cornered me in the office and talked me into leaving that job. I did. While I should have been more assertive and free-thinking, he did back me into a corner and coerce me. I do take responsibility for being weak. I'm such an efficient worker that I plow through my job, the job I was hired to do in his department, and I've now taken on duties to help him and the other guys in his department. I go above and beyond. I finish my job pretty quickly, when the last old bag they had doing it took all day, so I help them out. I essentially do parts of THEIR JOB, which in some ways pisses me off. When he was on vacation, he told the guys in his department that they could "USE" me to do certain things. That made me feel like I was someone they took advantage of. Today, I finished up early and he had me take on a major task in their department. I finished it in record time. And I hear him today telling one of the guys in his department, "I'm going to have her do that from now on. We can use her to cut down on things, blah, blah, blah." It just annoys me. THAT'S what you get for doing a good job and trying to be useful to people. And it further galls me because I have the feelings for him that I do. I'm just some stupid, young worker bee he can use to cut corners and get out of the office quicker. God, if only he would use me in the way that I really want. Asshole.
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Kierkegaard 2684 Posts 8/09
Posted - Oct 14 2009 : 4:30PM
SunShowers, Bob's advice is right on. After your past few posts, I can truly commiserate. I was a late bloomer, but instead of being a late blooming girl, I was a guy (which in some regards is more culturally unacceptable). I don't mean to negate anything, I just say this to show I can relate. The reasons for me were several, but one major one was that I was/am more introverted (and act so) than many of my fellow male peers/acquaintances (I say any). As you said, this in itself gives off negative vibes to any potential romantic pursuers. It sounds like you are more on the introverted side (esp. from your thought that you think a more extroverted male might help you get over your hump). Also, I was held back by what Bob described (i.e., phobia). And as Bob conveyed, I don't think there's anything wrong with being phobic (as I still am), but you just can't let it hold you back, therefore, you have to find out what works for you, to get over it (i.e., Bob's advice is excellent). For me, I always dismissed the abstract cliche of "taking the jump/leap" as I understood it theoretically, but not experientially. So next time you are around someone and get those feelings, just recognize them for what they are and not as a flaw or permanent feeling(s). As for sexually aggressive guys, just make sure you dictate your sexual experience. Relationships and sex are not mutually exclusive! As Bob said, your first step should be starting a relationship, the sex comes later in a relationship (if at all). I for one am not (and never been) into the one-night-stand/random-sex promiscuous/player behavior and only enjoy sex after starting a healthy relationship with potential. But this is your own personal choice; however, if you are concerned that you must conform your sexual preferences to another(s), this is not the case and you just need to continue looking. Due to the nature of 'jumping in' you will probably be scared and uncomfortable, but the quality relationships I (and many other guys) look for don't force anyone to do anything sexually outside their comfort zone. Therefore, if a potential BF doesn't want to wait, then find another dude as there are plenty. For me, I eventually damned all the crazy stupid extrapolations and improbable scenarios I built in my head and I eventually asked a chick out; I view things much differently now. Because I found the more I waited, the more external pressures/expectations along with fabricated internal ones, worsened. Bottom line: You think it's impossible now (even though your feelings are very real), but you will look back and won't believe that you thought/felt this way. Good Luck!
"Bottom line: You think it's impossible now (even though your feelings are very real), but you will look back and won't believe that you thought/felt this way" I hope so. I really do. It's hard to imagine when you're in the muck, though. Thank you, BYOB Kenobi.
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Kierkegaard 2684 Posts 8/09
Posted - Oct 14 2009 : 5:59PM
I am positive that you will. I was in a similar situation and identified with a lot of your feelings that you wrote a few posts ago. Don't be so hard on yourself cause we all have different histories, circumstances, preferences, and issues; so you don't have to be perfect neither does the dude you date. Give us frequent sit-reps as you can't go wrong with getting advice from the ST regulars like Bob, Hardware, RP, Lindi, RT, Bobcat, jayo, NewRomancer, cryo, CD, DL... BTW, I can't believe that I admitted I was a late bloomer in public (it's so not manly)!
I figured you would. Perhaps I should be clear that when I say 'you' I mean the part of your brain that operates below the conscious level. As far as that part of your brain is concerned, the guy is a great match. Of course, that part of your brain doesn't give a rat's behind whether he's married, would make a good mate, whatever. It just likes whatever message his pheromones are putting out.
If you substitute "self-possessed" or "reasonably confident" in place of "aggressive", my experience is that they meet a whole hellova lot. If, in using the term "aggressive", your imagination conjures up a guy who will see past your displays of apathy, overcome all of your defenses, and sweep you off your feet, I think you're setting yourself up for failure -- almost by definition. A rescuer/rescuee scenario may seem romantic at first, but it doesn't wear well over time. In my experience, it's the mutuality of disclosure and discovery that leads to intimacy. If you want right kind of guy to "find" you, you need to "find" him too. You have to meet him half way.
"If, in using the term "aggressive", your imagination conjures up a guy who will see past your displays of apathy, overcome all of your defenses, and sweep you off your feet, I think you're setting yourself up for failure -- almost by definition. A rescuer/rescuee scenario may seem romantic at first, but it doesn't wear well over time." You're right. I never realized that's what I was expecting. I can't expect to find him without doing any work. It's just that I'm so used to what's familiar and comfortable that I don't know how to take the steps towards what I want. "If you want right kind of guy to "find" you, you need to "find" him too. You have to meet him half way." And I have no clue how to do this. I feel like I'd have to wade through a ton of assholes.
Yes, you might. If you don't get lucky and meet a good guy right away, you keep going and weed out the bad ones. After a while you can spot a bad one a mile away and your 'auto-weeding' will kick in and you won't waste any time on them. You might even get your heart broken a time or two. That is life. The experience is worthwhile. If you discover that you're only meeting bad ones, then you might be attracted to the "wrong" kind of behavior/posturing. You may have to address your expectations and assessments if that is the case. Sometimes seeking a partner has to be very deliberate, don't let romantic notions fool you into poor choices.
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Kierkegaard 2684 Posts 8/09
Posted - Oct 15 2009 : 7:46PM
In this regard, you are not unique, as we all had/have to go thru many jackasses. However, I will say a failed relationship is not all negative. If you are smart about it, you will learn and remember what you like and, especially, what you don't like in partners /relationships and what doesn't work for you. BTW, Bob was right on and actually described me (esp. back then) in his aggressive analysis. If you want to take a short-cut, listen to Bob. I learned the hard-way and shredded the whole romantic serendipity/falling-in-your-lap fantasy, as it is just that, it doesn't exist outside a person's head and only in the movies. Edited by - BYOB_Kenobi on 10/15/2009 7:46:58 PM
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