Over the weekend I decided to create a porn-centric Twitter account in an effort to, you know, learn something. And already, I've gained some important insights into the lives of the people we like to think we know, but don't.
Feel free to follow me, too, if you want, though my life is pretty boring in comparison to the people below. I'm here: @Diville
Now, here is what I know for sure...
The State of Louisiana May Have at Least One Proven Fighter Running for the Senate
Late in the evening of June 27th, blonde porn bombshell and rumored senatorial candidate Stormy Daniels was sucker punched in the face by a Chris Brown wannabe. She then returned fire with a punch of her own which reportedly broke his nose. Finally, Stormy and I have taken the same kind of shot to the face.
Given her fighting dexterity, natural gift for counter punching and growing familiarity with Las Vegas, perhaps a career in boxing would be more amenable than one in the U.S. Senate, though both are as crooked as Steven St. Croix's penis. Regardless, if she chooses a career in the ring, in Washington, or in sex, I'd like to publicly make myself available as a sparing partner, a debating partner or a...well...you know.
Bunny Rabbits and Kittens Can Go Fuck Themselves
In the "Rock, Paper, Scissors" game of cuteness, porn starlet Lexi Belle is the nuclear option. Invoking her image in a contest of adorableness is like bringing a hand grenade to a match of wits. It's just not fair. Those who follow Lexi are privy to photos like this one: Lexi Being Cute
The last time I saw something that cute on screen, a hunter shot its mother.
Stephen King Should Consider Performing in Gonzo Porn
Proving that getting tattoos isn't the only thing with which she can be prolific, Julia Bond's continuous Twitter narrative provides a stream of consciousness that would make Virginia Woolf herself rise from the grave and applaud. Then maybe masturbate. Really, who else is more prolific in front of a keyboard?
As I write this, Julia is on a 10 tweet per hour pace, which by the way, is the same frequency with which I have sexual thoughts about her. Hold on...wait...there goes another tweet. Now, I counter with a quick mental image of her in doggie. It's now your move, Julia.
The saying goes that if you put a room full of monkeys in front of room full of typewriters and give them an infinite amount of time, one will eventually write Tolstoy's War and Peace. I'm not saying a big room of Julia Bond inspired monkeys is producing her Twitter feed, but I am saying that room would probably look a lot like the back 10 rows of my city's midtown porn theater, but it probably wouldn't smell as bad.
Marie Luv's Mouth Floats Like a Butterfly, Stings like a Bee, but Doesn't Bite like...uh...Whatever is Known for Biting. A Shark, Maybe?
Carpenters frequently have drawers that squeak, mechanics have cars that don't run, and psychiatrists are crazier than shithouse rats. Yet, as a pornstar, I suspect Marie Luv has never left her man unsatisfied. Perhaps dehydrated, but never unsatisfied.
In the past few days, Marie has taken up the cause of cocksucking like Susan B. Anthony took up the cause of women's suffrage. In the process, she's challenged damn near all takers to a dick sucking contest. And she isn't shy about talking trash to her opponents. You know, good naturedly, like Muhammad Ali, except with less rhyming and more invocations of swallowing. Don't believe me? This is a direct quote (no, not by me; by Marie): I don't waste cum over here. I like my man to deposit that shit in this pussy or down my throat. I luv when he fuck me & then feed me. Yum :-p
See, it's all in good fun. You can tell by the little silly face she adds to the part about how she likes to eat cum. My sister uses the same emoticon when she texts me about cupcakes and knock-knock jokes.
The First Rule of Alexis Amore is Don't Talk about Alexis Amore
True, Alexis Amore often inspires thoughts of lust (hold on while I enjoy one right now..wait...wait...ok, all done...no...keep waiting...ok, now we're done). But what may be somewhat of a surprise to her fans is that Alexis leans just as easily toward blood lust. You know, like watching people beat the hell out of each other.
Over the weekend, Latina lovely Alexis became quite exercised over the idea of going to a Taiwanese kickboxing match in which small men punched and kicked one another for her enjoyment. She even took pictures with the fighters afterward. She, bright faced and smiling; them, bloodied but no less delighted. Her snapshots are reminiscent of Norman Rockwell paintings, if Norman Rockwell was Taiwanese, perverted, violent and not Norman Rockwell.
Bonnaroo is Busted and Burning Man is Boring
Nautica Thorn, who is better at fucking than I'll ever be at anything, is excited about the pending opening of DickFest 2009. What is DickFest? I'm not exactly sure, but she says it has something to do with her having a lot of sex. And that's all I need to know to name DickFest the best festival ever. Really, I couldn't be more excited if the Virgin Mary's image appeared in the smudges on the side of my Astoglide bottle. By the way, did you know that every time Nautica Thorn arches her back an angel gets its wings? It's true. So true that I think I'll go Wikipedia it right now.
Edited by - Diville on Jun 29 2009