Your inquisitveness is infectious... 586 Posts 4/05
Posted - Feb 2 2006 : 1:24AM
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
All the couples agreed and then came back at the end of the two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor!"
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" the pastor said.
The pastor then goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" the pastor said again.
The pastor finally goes to the young newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No, pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" asked the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," admonished the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the grocery store either!"
Your inquisitveness is infectious... 586 Posts 4/05
Posted - Feb 2 2006 : 1:30AM
There was this boy that lived with his mother.
One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom. On his way back he passed his mother’s room. He saw his mother rubbing her breasts and saying “I need a man, I need a man…" He then went back to bed.
The next night the same thing happened. The boy saw his mother in her room, rubbing her breasts again and saying "I need a man, I need a man…”
On the third night, he took a look inside his mother’s room and noticed that she finally had a man in her bed.
The boy went to his room right away and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing himself and saying “I need a bike, I need a bike…”
The Iraqi ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk out of the lobby the Iraqi says: "You know, I just have one question about America."
Pres. Bush says: "Well, Mr. Ambassador, I will do anything I can to help you understand."
The Iraqi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek.
Pres. Bush, with a knowing smile, leans toward the Iraqi and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY IS (unfortunately) ABSOLUTELY TRUE!
A female pornstar (who will remained un-named) was in a car with Flick Shagwell. They were in a gas station and the female pornstar (who will remained un-named) looks at the gas pump and then turns to Flick Shagwell and asks Flick "How do they keep the gas for ALL these cars in that LITTLE BOX?"
One man's trash can be the next man's treasure. 1187 Posts 1/04
Posted - Feb 9 2006 : 7:04PM
A small boy about age 7 wants to get a drink of water in the middle of the night. He gets off the top bunk trying not to awaken his younger brother, opens the door, and tippie-toes his way down the hall. He find his way into the kitchen and drinks a glass of water. On the way back to his bedroom he sees a little crack in the door of his parents bedroom. He looks inside and sees his mother giving his father a blow job. He rubs his eyes to make sure he sees what he think he sees and tippie-toes his way back to his bedroom. His brother is awakened by his movements and he tells him, 'The next time mom gives you a hard time about sucking your thumb....'
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped George W. and Laura Bush, Karl Rove, Dick Chaney, and Condoleezza Rice. They are asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
One man's trash can be the next man's treasure. 1187 Posts 1/04
Posted - Feb 10 2006 : 3:59PM
An Arkansas pig farmer is dismayed to find his 16 year old son jacking off behind the woodshed. Shaking his head sadly he thinks to himself, 'I've got to get that boy a woman.' The hog farmer down the road a piece has a 16 year old daughter so they arrange a marriage between the two of them and give them some land between the two farms so they can raise their own hogs. A couple of months later the farmer visits his son and finds him jacking off behind the woodshed. Shaking his head sadly he approaches him. 'Now son, I went out and got you a wife so you wouldn't be doing that no more and here I find doing it some more. What's the matter with you, boy? Doin' that just ain't right.' 'But Pa,' his son explains 'her arm gits too tired!'
[Link]
Nikki49 Deactivated User
New York 2 Posts 2/06
Posted - Feb 23 2006 : 9:50AM
There are three southern bells sitting on the porch drinking lemonade. Betty lu speaks up and says "girls lets play a game, lets compare our husbands to soda pop." I'll go first my husband is like 7up... he's 7 inches and he's always up! The other girls giggle and get red cheeked. Mary ann speaks up and says my husbands like Mountain Dew, he's always Mounting me and we're always doin it! Again every one giggles... Shirley it's your turn says Betty lu. Well... Shirley says, My husbands like Jack Daniels. Mary ann speaks up and says Shirley that's not a soda pop that's a hard licker. Oh Yes I know says Shirley.
a man goes to the doctors because he can't get it up. the doctor takes pity on him and pulls a bottle of pills out of his draw and advices the man to take one before each sex session. the first day the man is sat at home and decides to take a pill and fuck his misses. afterwards he is like wow that was fucking great. the next day he thinks what if i took two pills so he does. after sex he is like fuck me that was horny. the next day he thinks fuck it i will take the lot. a week later the doctor calls and little tommy answers. the doctor says "little tommy where is everybody" to which tommy replies "mum dead, sis is pregnant, my arsehole hurts and dads on the lawn yelling here kitty kitty".
A woman & a baby boy were in the doctor's surgery where he examined the baby, & checked his weight. Being a little concerned, he asked if the child was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed" the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did, & he pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, & rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk." "I know" she said "I'm his grandmother, but I'm really glad I brought him in."
My wife left me. I don't understand. After the last kid was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I wasn't a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends & a six pack every other day. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 for make-up. I said "Wait a minute, I've given up beer & you haven't given up anything!" She said "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back.
A foursome was waiting on the men's tee, while another foursome of ladies was hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies were taking their time, when finally the last lady was ready to hit the ball. She hacked the ball 10 feet, went over & hacked it another 10 feet, then hacked it another 10 feet. She looked up @ the men, who were watching impatiently & said apologetically "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help".
One of the men immediately replied "Well, you know, that appears to be your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead".
To this day, a memorial marker for him stands next to that tee.
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
"Top of the morning to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods & bends forward to pick up the nozzle to fill up. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus" says the Irishman "BMW tinks of everything!"
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Joe & Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Joe suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool & stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom & pulled Joe out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in & saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Joe, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered, he was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think" he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I probably wouldn't do something that self indulgent!" Later on, when Laura had lunch with Hillary Clinton on her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. Later Hillary told Bill "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
an english man, an american man and a french man find a magic lantern and decide to rub it to see if jenna jameson is inside. instead out pops a genie that agrees to give them one wish each.
first the american says "i wish that my land is rich with food and luxury for all" and the genie grants the wish.
the french man says "i wish that my land is protected from all others so could you errect a wall around france" done.
the english man thinks for a minute then asks "how tall is the wall?" "100 ft" "how thick is?" "10ft" "ok. fill it with water".
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
.CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET? For those of you > who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. > It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional > studies. > > 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than > Americans. > > 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than > Americans. > > 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks > than Americans. > > 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks > than Americans. > > 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats > and suffer fewer heart > > attacks than Americans. > > CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently > what kills you.
little timmy comes home one night and asks his dad to explain the differnce between reality and potentail and his dad says to ask his mother would she sleep with goerge clooney for a million pounds and so little timmy does this.
"mum would you sleep with goerge clooney for a million pound?" "yes i would".
right now go and ask you're sister if she would sleep with brad pitt for a million.
"would you sleep with brad pitt for a million pounds" "fuck yeah"
"but dad what did i learn" "well you see son potentail we're sitting on 2 million pounds but in reality we're just living with a couple of whores.
Bud & Joe were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in & they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Joe says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel & get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch & got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up & is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Joe who says "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Joe says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
An American, a Japanese & an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm & the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He stepped out of the sauna & went to the bathroom. He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around & said "Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"
A group of 2nd, 3rd & 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see & learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the karsey, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher & the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out & told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside & helped the boys with their pants, & began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said "You must be in the fourth grade".
"No, ma'am," he replied "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Australian, an Irishman & an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared & stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again & sure enough it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out "Hey! you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile & nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over & says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness & takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you & drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles & says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender & tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, this the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink & smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods & says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed & has the bartender send over a Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat & approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman & shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone" he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove" he exclaims "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie whispers. "Back off mate, I'm on Workers Comp." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Morris & his wife Esther went to the state fair every year & every year Morris would say "Esther, I want to ride that helicopter". Ester always replied "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50 & $50 is $50. One year Esther & Morris went to the fair & Morris said "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might not ever get another chance!" Esther replied "Morris, that helicopter ride is $50, & $50 is $50. The pilot overheard the couple & said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride, & not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's $50. Morris & Esther agreed & up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over & over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris & said "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but $50 is $50".
every week a doctor would visit a tribe in africa. the workers came to meet him and said "big cheif no shit" so the doctor gave the worker some pills for the cheif. the next week the doctor is greated by the workers saying "big cheif no shit" he reaches into his bag and finds some government test experiment pills and give them to the worker. the next week he come back but he cant see the cheif anywhere so he asks the worker. the worker repleis "big shit no cheif".
A coach full of nuns is drive up a montain when the drive hits a bannana peel and goes over the edge.
all the nuns are in a cue at the gate to heaven and peter is there with the list. the first nun comes up and says "i once gave a man a hand job what can i do?" "wash you're hands in the fountain and you can enter. the next nun say "i gave a man a bj once what can i do?" "wash you're mouth in the fountain and continue in" the peter notice an argument in the cue and i says to the nuns "ladies whats the problem?" one of the nuns speaks "i want to wash my mouth out before she washes out her ass".
Ms Green A young Catholic man goes to confession and says,"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Now go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon after, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous blonde woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and very short dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, totally naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replied, "Well, ma'am, I can't help noticing that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?" The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
a judge is riding home on a sub way train one night drunk. he is looking round the train and then he pukes all down his front. when he gets home his wife wakes up and asks if he has been drinking? he repleis "there was a yob on the train and he throuw up all over me but don't worry he was caught and i will sentance him tommorow.
the judge gets a call the next day from his wife. "have you sentanced that yob yet?" "no. he is in this afternoon i will sentance him to 3 months" "well you had better give him 6 because he shat in you're pants has well".
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
A guy went up to his cabin in the woods to do some hunting. On his first day out he spotted a bear and took a shot at him. The bear fell behind a bush, and thinking he had killed the bear the hunter went out to retrieve the carcass. After coming to to the point where the bear had fallen the hunter found no trace of him. All of a sudden the hunter felt a tap on his shoulder and when he turned around he saw the bear standing in front of him and the bear said, "Hey, you tried to kill me. Now, I can't let you get away with that so I'm going to give an option - you can either suck my dick or I can maul you to death right now." As the hunter was thinking the bear began to growl at him and the hunter said, "OK, I'll do it." After finishing, the bear let the hunter go. The hunter returned to his cabin and resolved to kill the bear the next day.
The next day the hunter set out after the bear with a larger caliber rifle. Upon spotting the bear he fired several shots at him. The bear fell behind a bush, and thinking he had killed the bear the hunter went out to retrieve the carcass. After coming to to the point where the bear had fallen the hunter once again found no trace of him. And once again the hunter felt a tap on his shoulder and when he turned around he saw the bear standing in front of him and the bear said, "Hey, you tried to kill me again! I can't let you get away with that so I'm going to give an option - you can either let me fuck you up the ass or I can maul you to death right now." As the hunter was thinking the bear began to growl at him and the hunter said, "OK, do it." After finishing, the bear let the hunter go. The hunter returned to his cabin and resolved to do his utmost to kill the bear the next day.
The next day the hunter, really determined to kill the bear, set out after him with a machine gun. Upon spotting the bear he fired several bursts of machine gun fire at him. The bear fell behind a bush, and certain the bear was dead the hunter went out to retrieve the carcass. After coming to to the point where the bear had fallen the hunter found no trace of him. Nervously the hunter spun around and immediately he saw the bear was standing in front of him. The bear looked curiously at the hunter and then asked him -
"You don't really come here for the hunting do you??"
A Highway Patrol cop was sitting in his patrol car across the street from a bar at 1:30 in the morning when he saw a man come stumbling out the door. The man, obviously inebriated, began walking across the parking lot. On the way to his car he dropped his keys and had a hard time finding them. Finally, after finding them, he made it to his car, but then it took him a couple of minutes to unlock the door. Once he got into the car he passed out. With the cop was still watching the drunken patron, the bar closed and the rest of the customers got in their cars and left.
A few minutes after the parking lot emptied the man came to, started up his car and began to drive away. The Highway Patrol cop pulled him over and arrested him for drunk driving.
After they get down to the police station the cop give the guy a blood alcohol test and the results came up 0.0%. So the cop asks the guy, "How is this possible" to which the guy replies -
Your inquisitveness is infectious... 586 Posts 4/05
Posted - Apr 7 2006 : 4:50AM
One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents’ room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing. The father says, "we're playing poker, son!" And the mother says, "yeah, and I'm his partner!"
The boy then goes into his grandparents’ room and they're having sex as well. He asks what they're doing. The grandfather answers, "oh, we're playing poker!" And the grandmother answers, "and I'm his partner!"
The boy then goes into his older brother’s room and he's masturbating. He asks his brother what's he doing. The older brother responds, "well, I'm playing poker..."
The boy then asks why he doesn't have a partner. The older brother replies, "you don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"
Your inquisitveness is infectious... 586 Posts 4/05
Posted - Apr 7 2006 : 4:53AM
And here's one for the tax season...
******
A gentleman, called to testify before the IRS, asked his accountant on what to wear for the trial. The accountant said, "wear your shabbiest clothing. Let the judge think you’re poor."
The gentleman then asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer replied, "do not let the court officials intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Still searching for answers, the gentleman consulted his church priest. The priest answered, "well, let me tell you a story. One night a woman was going to get married and asked her best friend on what to wear for her wedding night. Her best friend suggested to her, 'wear the sexiest lingerie you got...'"
Confused, the man asked, "wait, what does this all have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The priest responded, "because, no matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Paying trib-ute to SinncentVanSage 1412 Posts 12/04
Posted - Apr 12 2006 : 6:59PM
No wonder you made it into the Weekly Fix of the Week again, Cursive! Wanna play some poker with me? First I poke you, then you poke me back with your clit. After all it's already as stiff as my poker.
Hey, and did you see I made the Weekly Quote of the Week with a quite ancient quote? And speaking of quotes, I want Walter back!
Okay, back to topic... I may not be a very beautiful woman but nevertheless... oh fuck it, I just want to tell this joke somewhere:
Victoria is all alone in her bedroom with Peter (never mind the contradiction, after all it's only just nothing but a joke). Peter seems to be a little uncertain what to do, so Victoria smiles at him and begs: "Put a finger into my pussy, pretty please." Peter does it. Victoria: "Now put another finger into my pussy, pretty please." Peter does it. Victoria: "Now put a third finger into my pussy, pretty please." Peter does it. Victoria: "Now put the whole hand into my pussy, pretty please." Peter does it. Victoria: "Now put the other hand into my pussy, too, pretty please." Peter does it. Victoria: "Now clap your hands inside my pussy, pretty please." Peter: "I can't." Victoria: I'm fucking tight, ain't I?"
And what about Peter? He had been locked into a hen house as a child and got severely pecked, that should explain his behaviour. But this doesn't belong to the joke, it's just a little inside information for those who became enamoured with Peter during the course of the joke.
Somewhere writing the alphabet on a clit in cursive
Your inquisitveness is infectious... 586 Posts 4/05
Posted - Apr 13 2006 : 12:40AM
Sure, baby! But of course, this is definitely not the thread for some poker playing. As for jokes, well, I'll let another beautiful woman (or man) tell it for next week. Congrats on making quote of the week, sweetie! And yeah, I want the Walter back too.
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day, "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
One man's trash can be the next man's treasure. 1187 Posts 1/04
Posted - Apr 20 2006 : 9:58PM
A sociology professor wants to visit a tribe of people never visited by western man before. He hears about a tribe in deepest, darkest Africa and arranges to stay with them for awhile so he could learn their language, their customs, and their way of life. All goes well for a couple of years until the Chief's wife gives birth to a white baby. The Chief summons the professor. 'You're the only white man to ever visit this village. My wife gave birth to a white baby, you've obviously had sex with her, so do you have any last requests before I order you killed?' 'Chief,' the professor explains, 'I didn't have sex with your wife. There are white babies born of animals no matter what color the animal normally is. These are called albinos. Even if they aren't albinos, some offspring just look different. You've seen the white tiger, they are usually orange, you've seen the white elephant, they are usually gray, and if you look at our herd of sheep, there is one black sheep there among the white ones. So, offspring can and do look different than their parents do on occasion. No, Chief. I didn't have sex with your wife.' 'I see,' the Chief says, 'tell you what, let's make a deal, I won't mention the white baby if you don't talk about the black sheep.'
One man's trash can be the next man's treasure. 1187 Posts 1/04
Posted - Apr 25 2006 : 4:22PM
An elderly lday is visiting the doctor and she asks him, 'My husband and I used to have a great sex life, but we're getting up in the years now and he has no interest in sex any more. Can you suggest something?' 'That's easy, the physician replies, 'we have a little blue pill, it's called Viagra. Have him swallow a tablet and 30 minutes later, he'll be ready for action.' 'My husband would never take Viagra if he knew what it was and he hates to take pills too. Have any other ideas?' The doctor gives it some thought. 'OK, try this. Grind up the Viagra tablet and then sneak it into his morning coffee or orange juice.' 'That just might work,' she thinks. A couple of months pass before the elderly lady visits the doctor again. 'Say, did that ground-up Viagra tablet idea work for you?' he asks her. 'Boy did it ever. I did what you told me to do. I ground up that tablet you gave me and I sneaked it into his coffee mug. Half-an-hour later, he got wild-eyed, just like Dr. Jeckle turning into Mr. Hyde. He grunted and snorted, grabbed me, threw me onto the table, ripped my pants off, pulled by panties down, put one of my feet on one shoulder and my other foot on his other shoulder, he yanked his pants down, and then he pounded me like a pile driver ramming a post into the ground. He was thrusting like a piston in a Formula 1 engine. He fucked me silly and I haven't cum like that in 20 years. Whew!' The doctor grins ear-to-ear. 'I'm glad it worked out well for you.' 'It didn't work out all that well. You see, we're never allowed in Denny's again!'
a man is talking to his elderly father in a nursing home and the son says that he has taken viagra. the old man says that he takes half a viagra pill every day for the last five years. when the son asks why he says.
"it keeps my old knob up just enough to stop my rolling out of bed and when i get up to take a piss it stops my piss on my shoes".
Congrats on making quote of the week, sweetie! And yeah, I want the Walter back too.