it 2 in the morning. sherlock holmes and watson are camping. sherlock looks at the stars in the sky and says "watson what do you deduce from that sky?" watson says "well astrological the moon is in the second house, metrological it's about 2 in the morning and zoogical it will be a nice day tommorow" "watson you cunt someones stole the fucking tent".

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He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. My dad said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of."

My dad looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast pocket.. Then the frog said, "What are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Naah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

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a british business man is in a japan on holiday. the first night fucks a japanesse call girl. she begins moaning and shouting in japanesse.

the next day the business man is playing golf with his japaness business partners. he gets a hole in one and decides to use some japanesse to impress his partners. thinking back to the night before he repeats the excited comments of the call girl. the japaness look at him and say "what fuck you mean wrong hole".

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a man is walking through northern ireland at the height of the trouble when he is pulled into an alley and forced to his knees. a gun is put to the back of his head and a voice asks him "catholic or prodestant" he thinks quickly and replies "jewish" the voices then says "that must make me the luckiest arab in ireland".

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"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.", the grandson says.

"You lisina to me", says the Don, "some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

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40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell - with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

Number 19 for me, definitely!

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if at first you don't succeed blame it on someone else.

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God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments
for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou
shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody

rocco

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One asks "What's the best sex you ever had?"

His friend answers "That's easy. I entered my wife doggy style, and reached down to cradle her breasts in my palms"

The first guy says "What's the big deal? Hell, I do that all the time!"

The friend says "You're right, but you didn't let me finish. See, then I tells her, Honey boy you sure have beautiful boobs, but I think your sisters felt a little bigger to me when I did this last week! Then I just held on for the ride!"

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A hobo is sitting in a clearing next to a railroad track, eating a cold meal out of a tin can, when he sees another hobo walking along the tracks toward him.

The new hobo walks up and sits down nearby and they strike up a conversation.

"You wouldn't believe it," the new hobo says. "There was a train wreck about a mile back. I pulled this girl out who was trapped in the wreckage. We had sex three times!"

"Wow! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No," the new hobo says. "I looked around but I couldn't find her head."

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Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept fucking her harder than ever.

The next day, the man went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

The clients were Japanese, so he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When he shot a hole-in-one, he raised his arms and shouted, "Wasukima!"

All the men looked at him quizzically, and one of the clients asked, "why are you shouting 'wrong hole?'"

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the brunnete ducks.

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the bartender says "the peanuts are complementary but the cigerette machine is out of order".

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"do you remember me?" he think and remember the only time he was with any one that look like this. she then says "i had you're son" to which he replies "you where the stripper from the party i fuck on the pool table in front of every one while you're partner stuck a cucumber up my ass"

no. i'm you're son english teacher.

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how the fuck are we supposed to find the fellopene tube in all this shit.

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a plane is flying across the ocean carrying an english man, a cuban, a china man and a satanic pilot. the cuban is smoking a cuban cigar and half way through he tosses it out the window the others looks at him and he replies "to fucking many of those in my country". the china man is eating noodles then he decides to tosses the out the window again the group look at him and he says "to fucking many of those in my country". the english picks up the pilot and throws him out the window and the group look at him in disbeleive and he says "to fucking many of those in my country".

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Why is this thread places over here, not in WN+N, or Polls ?

It maybe nice reading (it is), but from the first four fixed threads in Star Crossed, I can understand three being placed were they are now, but not this one.

p_n

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on the monday they return.

the judge asks the first how many people did you get off drugs and the man replies 34. the judge asks how and the man draws a large circle and a small circle on a board. he tells the judge that this is you're brain before drugs and after. the judge turns too the next man and asks how many people he got to quit drugs the man replied 879. the judge looks puzzled and asks how and the man draws a small circle and a large circle. he then explains that the small circle represents you're ass before prison and the large circle is you're ass after prison.

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They both will steal $20 from you, but the meth head will come back to help you look for it.

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The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin DB9, a Mercedes SL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garages. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account, but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off. Just send the bottle back."

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The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses!"

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Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so lowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

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(joke #1)
(joke #2)
(joke #3)

And you said you weren't funny anymore . . . !

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on you're left is a deep valley and on you're right hand side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

in front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size has you're car and you can't overtake it.

behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

both the gaint pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

what must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
?

?

?

?

?

?

a. get off the children's merry go round, you're pissed.

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One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

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The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

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what did he do?

turned the roasting spit for about half an hour on the bbq.

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COURT RULING, Pittsburgh, PA, June 29, 2006

Pittsburgh, PA (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a
Pittsburgh courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Pittsburgh Pirates, who the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Old ladies can eat more than you think

not jokes just funny observations

Edited by - chick on 8/2/2006 4:53:35 PM

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"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out"

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3 guys play a round of golf. An Irishman, an Italian, and a Frenchman. When the 3 gentlemen finish their round on the links they head for the 19 hole, sometimes referred to as the bar. The Irishman tells the bartender, 'Sir, I'd like an IW.' The bartender scratches his head. 'OK, I'll serve you an IW if you can explain to me what an IW is.' The Irishman grins a wide one. 'That my good man is Irish Whiskey.' The bartender pours him a Bushmills. The Italian tells the bartender, 'Please, I'd like an IWW.' The bartender looks away to think about IWW but he comes up empty. 'I'll be glad to serve you an IWW as soon as you can tell me what an IWW is.' With a knowing nod the Italian replies, 'That sir, would be Italian White Wine.' The bartender pours him a large cold Inama Classico. The Frenchman has to think of something and he doesn't want to order wine like the Italian man did. 'Bartender, please serve me a 15.' The bartender is stroking his chin in thought, but he can't figure this one out either. 'Ok, I'd be delighted to make you a 15. All you have to do is tell me what a 15 is.' The Frenchman smiles broadly and tells the bartender. 'That my good man would be a 7 and 7.'

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"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

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