DenverDon

[Link]

AP and Reuters reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The raise was
precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories virtually disabling their military. Additional reports indicate that the French now have numerous small arms for sale, the quality of these
firearms is near perfect, having never been fired and only dropped once.

[Link]

I should stop calling well-meaning people provincial.

[Link]

I'm walking through the park and here's this nice old guy sitting on a bench bawling his eyes out. So I stopped to see if I could comfort him and asked what the problem was.
He looks up at me and says "Two days ago I married the most beautiful 28 year old girl you've ever seen and since then I've been in heaven. She makes love to me passionatly, feeds me, waits on me hand and foot and is just the sweetest, kindest woman I've ever had the pleasure to be around."
"Wow", I said, "sounds awesome to me - so why are you sitting here crying?"
Tears streaming down his cheeks he says "Honey, I'm 82 and I can't remember where I live".........

[Link]

rocco

[Link]

"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
telling me how great it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never
really sure how it was supposed to function, but he
said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew
he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able
to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic
process but wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he
thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was
his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a
product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was
talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at
it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
was.. . God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
screwed!!!

(would you all believe my longest lasting and most significant relationships have been with Engineers - that is just SO TRUE!)

[Link]

Maybe Steph can come up with a new booby prize for winners.

[Link]

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[Link]

Hey, men use their brains, too! In sad cases to pee only, but anyway...

Sometimes it's better not to. That goes for abstaining, too.

[Link]

~

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.

As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.

He turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fuckin' menthol!".

[Link]

Q... What was the highlight of the BULIMIA CONVENTION?

A... When the CAKE came out of the GIRL!

[Link]

She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I have been having lots of sex doggie fashion"

The doctor says "Thanks for being so candid, I didn't really need to know that, but can't you just try another position?"

The lady said " Yes, I could, but the dog can't"

[Link]

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

[Link]

there are 2 muffins sitting in an oven

muffin one says man its hot in here

muffin 2 says
HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN

[Link]

(Yeah, don't tell me this is tasteless and horrible because of Katrina, humans deal with things that frighten them with humor. That's why there are all those jokes about death and sex.)

[Link]

By the way, you rule, Kimi!

Terves who are faithful are served a faceful.

Edited by - VincentVanGauge on 9/2/2005 1:22:05 PM

[Link]

Why?... they're all stuck up c***s.

[Link]

A lobster walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve food here."

[Link]

this one requires a response so ill type it in.

Once up on there wass a very poor village where there were no schools or books.
A little boy was born names Juan. The village instantly knew this boy wa special. They knew Juan would go places and do things.

They put all their money together and bought Juan hooked on Phonics cause they knew he would go places and do things.

Juan excelled in reading and all the men gave from their earnings to send Juan to school two villages over.
They knew Juan would go places and do things.

The women all shaved their heads and sold their hair to pay for Juans applications fees to an American University.
because they knew he would go places and do things.

He was accepted to a school in the big New York City, he was finally going places and doing things.

As he got off the bus in Penn station Juan was shot with a golf gun.

you say "what's a golf gun"

I don't know either but it sure put a hole in Juan

[Link]

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the
faith to ask, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can
drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can
do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of another wish, a wish you think would honor and
glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and
divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am
uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could
understand women. I want to know how they feel inside,
what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say,
"nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or
four on that bridge?"

[Link]

Some of these jokes are very funny, so when you copy and paste them into email (Outlook), note you also get the "go to top" logo.

When you hover over "go to top" it basically says: https://www.adultdvdtalk.com/rum/snickers.dlt/catid=1/i_am_a_pervert

You might want to bear this in mind when you fwd these jokes to your work colleagues.

[Link]

He wispers in her ear "If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken more time"
she replies "If I had known you had more time I would have taken my hose off!"

[Link]

Well, anyway . . .

A traveling salesman was making the rounds in a rural community.

He walked up to one farmhouse and saw a pig with a wooden leg rooting around in the pig sty.

When the farmer opened his door, the traveling salesman said to him, even before beginning his sales pitch, “I’ve never seen a pig with a wooden leg before. What’s the story?”

The farmer said, “Maybe you’ve heard that pigs are smart; well, this is the female Einstein of pigs. My tractor broke down once and I couldn’t afford a repairman. While we were asleep one night, the pig stole my tools and, by the next morning, my tractor was not only fixed, it ran better than ever.”

“That’s extraordinary,” said the salesman, “but how did the pig get the wooden leg?”

The farmer said, “Not only is this pig smart, she’s brave and loyal too. When the tornado came through last year, our teenage son had fallen asleep in the cornfield and we couldn’t find him in time to get him into the storm cellar. Well, when our son made it back to the farmhouse, this pig herded him into a ditch and shielded our son with her body until the twister had passed over.”

“Wow!” said the salesman, “That's amazing! But how did the pig get the wooden leg?”

The farmer said, “Did you know that pigs can be warm and loving? Well, our pig takes the cake. When our baby boy was born last year, my wife had trouble producing breast milk and we couldn’t afford formula. This pig suckled our little boy for six months, and he’s the healthiest baby you can imagine!”

“Okay,” said the salesman, “I understand that your pig is smart, brave, loyal, and loving -- but how in God’s name did she get a wooden leg?”

“What’s the big mystery?” replied the farmer, “A pig this special you don’t eat all at once.”

Some jokes have the terrible ring of truth, don't they?

[Link]

1. Ziploc Bags -- are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Copiers -- are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tires -- are Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4. Sponges -- are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

5. Hot Air Balloons -- are Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

6. Web Pages -- are Female, because they're always getting hit on.

7. Subways -- are Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

8. Hourglasses -- are Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammers -- are Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but are handy to have around.

10. Remote Controls -- are Female...Ha! You thought they'd be male. However, consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Link]

An Austrian construction company hired a new subworker. At his first working day his boss saw how he threw away a nail, then drove the next one into the wall, threw three other nails away, drove the next two into the wall, and so on.
Boss: "Are you nuts? Why do you throw half the nails away? They're all new!"
Subworker: "I know, but some of them point in the wrong direction."
Boss: "Fool! These are for the other side of the house!"

Squirting is an art form that serves more purposes than just being art.

[Link]

you kick it in the nuts

[Link]

Gals keep 'em coming.
I can't duplicate jokes told by men or repeated by men in the Weekly Fix, but guys feel free to share.

[Link]

Jacco

[Link]

By that time, the penguin had worked up quite a sweat. When the auto mechanic saw him, he said, "Hey, you look pretty wrung out, pal. There's a Ben & Jerry's across the street, and I've heard that you penguins like frozen stuff. Why don't you go over there, take a load off, and get something cold to eat while I check out your van."

The penguin nodded in agreement and waddled his way over to the ice cream parlor. He ordered three scoops of French Vanilla in a dish and tried to eat it. But he was so clumsy with his flippers that he made a huge mess and was covered with the stuff from head to toe.

At that point, the embarrassed penguin beat a hasty retreat back to the car garage. When the mechanic saw him approaching, he said, "Buddy, nothing to worry about, you just blew a seal."

The penguin said, "No, no! It's only ice cream."

[Link]

Tied and blindfolded they're individually led to face the firing squad. Panicking as the guns are turned on him, the Englishman decides he needs to act quickly to distract the gunmen. He decides to shout "FLOOD!!" the gunmen panick and the Englishman sneaks away

Seeing this, the Scotsman decides to copy what the wise old Englishman has done. He waits until the guns are pointed at him and shouts "AVALANCHE!!" the gunmen panick and the cunning Scotsman sneaks away

The Irishman is led to the firing squad. Thinking this'll be easy...he shouts "FIRE!!"

[Link]

During the end credits of Amateur Angels #1 , Kimi tells the following joke while Joel Lawrence, completely unfazed, continues slowly ploughing away.

[Link]

So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Damn, I kill me sometimes.

[Link]

rocco

[Link]